Scared about moving

[Penny&Lee 338]

I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place, if not, apologies. But I’m honeslty just looking for some advice.

 

i’m moving to the US in a couple of weeks and as the day gets closer, I get more and more terrified. I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness & fear about leaving my family and not being able to see them for a long time. This is the biggest decision and move that i’ve ever made in my life and I’m honestly just feeling overwhelmed with sadness and guilt about leaving.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this / “get over it”? Because it’s taking over my life. 

 

Dont get me wrong here, i am ECSTATIC to start my life with my fiancé / my soon-to be hubby. He is the most amazing person in my life & i’m so lucky to have him. But I can’t shake this fear and overwhelming guilt / sadness. My family since day 1 have taken the news of me moving real hard & it’s taken a big toll on them too (as expected) but all its done is make me feel 100x worse. 

 

Im just really struggling atm with my emotions and any advice from people who’ve moved across the pond already and have felt similar to how I do now, I’d be so, so grateful. 

Edited June 28, 2018 by Penny&Lee

[TBoneTX 43,290]

Welcome to the Colonies!

 

1.  Whatever you're feeling is 100% acceptable.  It's a big move!

2.  Your apprehensions and your family's reactions are very typical.  Both will moderate.

3.  Translate your nervousness into excitement: get the stomach butterflies to fly in formation.

4.a.  Expect culture-shock.

4.b.  Be aware that, just when you think you've figured everything out, it will be otherwise.

4.c.  The above are both very normal.

5.  You're so far ahead already because English is your native language.

6.  You're so far ahead already because of many other threads in this forum on this topic (find them).

7.  Hugs to you!

[Penny&Lee 338]

6 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Welcome to the Colonies!

 

1.  Whatever you're feeling is 100% acceptable.  It's a big move!

2.  Your apprehensions and your family's reactions are very typical.  Both will moderate.

3.  Translate your nervousness into excitement: get the stomach butterflies to fly in formation.

4.a.  Expect culture-shock.

4.b.  Be aware that, just when you think you've figured everything out, it will be otherwise.

4.c.  The above are both very normal.

5.  You're so far ahead already because English is your native language.

6.  You're so far ahead already because of many other threads in this forum on this topic (find them).

7.  Hugs to you!

Thank you so much 💖 yeah i did get it’s pretty normal, if i didn’t feel like this I’d be worried too. It just gets to a stage where crying uncontrollably is annoying. Especially when I don’t want to be sad about moving? I want to be excited for a new life with my fiancé. Which I definitely am, so I’m just confused and overwhelmed.

 

i’ll do some looking and see if I can find some more similar posts! 😊

[NikLR 13,220]

It's normal.  You will feel homesick.  You are feeling it before you move and will feel it after the move too.  Especially if you are close to your family.  You will miss what is familiar while being excited about the new.  

It's okay and normal.  My best suggestion is to keep busy.  Pack.  Itemize.  Have fun with friends and family you won't see for a while.  Get recipes from them to make.  Grab photos and souvenirs.  Little things that will remind you of the happiness of home.  Share with them all the exciting new things you cant wait to do or try.   Hopefully they will share in your joy and celebrate the fun you've had vs lamenting on your move.  

[Penny&Lee 338]

9 hours ago, NikLR said:

It's normal.  You will feel homesick.  You are feeling it before you move and will feel it after the move too.  Especially if you are close to your family.  You will miss what is familiar while being excited about the new.  

It's okay and normal.  My best suggestion is to keep busy.  Pack.  Itemize.  Have fun with friends and family you won't see for a while.  Get recipes from them to make.  Grab photos and souvenirs.  Little things that will remind you of the happiness of home.  Share with them all the exciting new things you cant wait to do or try.   Hopefully they will share in your joy and celebrate the fun you've had vs lamenting on your move.  

Strange thing is I’m not really that close to my family, not as close as you’d expect anyway. Which is why I’m surprised I’m actually feeling this way. But being here is all I know, and the first time leaving home is me moving 3300 miles away. Pretty crazy and actually incredibly scary, more than I thought? 

 

Im glad to know it’s more the norm, as I expected it to be though. 

 

I hope they do. They have all been trying to make me feel incredibly guilty and aren’t happy for me. Probably the main reason that it’s making me feel awful.

 

never the less thank you for your tips & advice, they’re greatly appreciated 💛

[Dianalorena 1,153]

hey there!

 

This is a huge move. You're uprooting your life, everything that is known to you, your family and friends, to start a new life. The good news is, with change comes growth! the things that scare us the most, tend to be the most rewarding in the end  Humans are very resilient and adaptable. I am also about to move in a few months and I'm starting to get nervous, which is super understandable. You're not alone in this so it's good to hear from other people. What I've been told is that the first few months or even year, can be rough since it's the adaptation period, in both your relationship and your life, since you have to build it from scratch, and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is painful! hence what you're feeling. As well as feeling homesick.

It feels so permanent and crazy, but also remember you'll be able to visit, and the time spent with your family is going to be amazing. 

Don't feel sad because you're sad, embrace even the tears! it's all part of the process and you won't feel this way forever. PM me if you ever want to talk any further. 

Sending hugs and good vibes your way!

 

[Penny&Lee 338]

3 hours ago, Dianalorena said:

hey there!

 

This is a huge move. You're uprooting your life, everything that is known to you, your family and friends, to start a new life. The good news is, with change comes growth! the things that scare us the most, tend to be the most rewarding in the end  Humans are very resilient and adaptable. I am also about to move in a few months and I'm starting to get nervous, which is super understandable. You're not alone in this so it's good to hear from other people. What I've been told is that the first few months or even year, can be rough since it's the adaptation period, in both your relationship and your life, since you have to build it from scratch, and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is painful! hence what you're feeling. As well as feeling homesick.

It feels so permanent and crazy, but also remember you'll be able to visit, and the time spent with your family is going to be amazing. 

Don't feel sad because you're sad, embrace even the tears! it's all part of the process and you won't feel this way forever. PM me if you ever want to talk any further. 

Sending hugs and good vibes your way!

 

this is the kind of response that keeps me on VJ. It’s so lovely and so heartwarming to see people being so kind and caring. Thank you so much. 

 

It is so incredibly hard, I’m moving in just a few weeks and every day that passes it scares me more and more. I’m so hopeful for a happy and wonderful new life & marriage but I always like to think about the future and the “what-ifs” (yep! I’m that person) haha. 

 

It is great though knowing that I’m not alone and these feelings aren’t absurd and it’s nice to hear that it’ll go away after a while. Tbh I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s just a holiday, to stop myself from being so emotional. It’s (kind of) helping? Maybe, sort of...🙄

 

thank you! You’re more than welcome to PM me as well if you’d like to talk more about it or even anything else 💖

[Dianalorena 1,153]

Just now, Penny&Lee said:

this is the kind of response that keeps me on VJ. It’s so lovely and so heartwarming to see people being so kind and caring. Thank you so much. 

 

It is so incredibly hard, I’m moving in just a few weeks and every day that passes it scares me more and more. I’m so hopeful for a happy and wonderful new life & marriage but I always like to think about the future and the “what-ifs” (yep! I’m that person) haha. 

 

It is great though knowing that I’m not alone and these feelings aren’t absurd and it’s nice to hear that it’ll go away after a while. Tbh I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s just a holiday, to stop myself from being so emotional. It’s (kind of) helping? Maybe, sort of...🙄

 

thank you! You’re more than welcome to PM me as well if you’d like to talk more about it or even anything else 💖

You're also definitely not alone in the what-ifs! fellow what-ifer here   Yes I know that's not a word 

I say embrace the move, and definitely don't feel bad for having these feelings. They're not absurd at all. It will get a bit ''worse'' before it gets better, I love that expression: ''it's always darker before the dawn'' because once the actual date comes, you will feel it 10x times! the nervousness, excitement, sadness. All together. 

but once you're settling, start your new life and staying busy you'll feel different!

Finding a community that supports you and understands is very important. Pursuit your hobbies and/or find new ones, stay busy and enjoy being with your hubby! all of that will help, especially since it takes a little while to make your routine in a new city and country. I haven't seen mine in six months and our process has taken a year and a half already (with two more months to go) so the excitement definitely overcomes the nerves for me. Haha I just really want to end this nightmare. 

 

You sound like a super sweet person, being in touch with your emotions and being so insightful will definitely help you a lot.  Also, I see you're moving to New York, a little over an hour away from NYC. One of my favorite cities in the U.S for sure!  I wish you all the best <3 

 

 

 

[Penny&Lee 338]

13 hours ago, Dianalorena said:

You're also definitely not alone in the what-ifs! fellow what-ifer here   Yes I know that's not a word 

I say embrace the move, and definitely don't feel bad for having these feelings. They're not absurd at all. It will get a bit ''worse'' before it gets better, I love that expression: ''it's always darker before the dawn'' because once the actual date comes, you will feel it 10x times! the nervousness, excitement, sadness. All together. 

but once you're settling, start your new life and staying busy you'll feel different!

Finding a community that supports you and understands is very important. Pursuit your hobbies and/or find new ones, stay busy and enjoy being with your hubby! all of that will help, especially since it takes a little while to make your routine in a new city and country. I haven't seen mine in six months and our process has taken a year and a half already (with two more months to go) so the excitement definitely overcomes the nerves for me. Haha I just really want to end this nightmare. 

 

You sound like a super sweet person, being in touch with your emotions and being so insightful will definitely help you a lot.  Also, I see you're moving to New York, a little over an hour away from NYC. One of my favorite cities in the U.S for sure!  I wish you all the best <3 

 

 

 

Definitely a fantastic saying and one that I won’t forget!

 

i’m lucky tbh, I’ve already been to the US for very many months prior to this move (over a year in increments I’d say!) so I know a lot of people and I know what there is to do, what I enjoy and what I don’t really. So that’s a big step. We’ve got to focus on getting a house and everything when I get there, as well as applying for AOS. Lots of stress ahead but I’ve no doubt all of it will be worth it. 

 

I checked your profile! I saw it says 500+ days, I’m like... oh my gooodd. Our process from start to finish in the k-1 took just less than 300 days and I wanted to dissipate lmao. It was AWFUL! And 6 months apart is toooooooo long. Been apart from my fiancé now do 3 months and I’m SO over it! Bless you. Future is so bright for you & your hubby though, so just a few more weeks to go till it’s over. When I’ve moved I’ll be sending all my hope and energy towards you 💖

 

i am! Yeah! About 1 hour - 1 hour 30 from NYC. I could never live in NYC, far to busy for me since I’m a born and bred farm country girl here in the UK. But I do LOVE it there! It’s so overwhelming and incredible. But I’ve yet to see more of the US! Maybe one day 😂💛

[Dianalorena 1,153]

2 hours ago, Penny&Lee said:

Definitely a fantastic saying and one that I won’t forget!

 

i’m lucky tbh, I’ve already been to the US for very many months prior to this move (over a year in increments I’d say!) so I know a lot of people and I know what there is to do, what I enjoy and what I don’t really. So that’s a big step. We’ve got to focus on getting a house and everything when I get there, as well as applying for AOS. Lots of stress ahead but I’ve no doubt all of it will be worth it. 

 

I checked your profile! I saw it says 500+ days, I’m like... oh my gooodd. Our process from start to finish in the k-1 took just less than 300 days and I wanted to dissipate lmao. It was AWFUL! And 6 months apart is toooooooo long. Been apart from my fiancé now do 3 months and I’m SO over it! Bless you. Future is so bright for you & your hubby though, so just a few more weeks to go till it’s over. When I’ve moved I’ll be sending all my hope and energy towards you 💖

 

i am! Yeah! About 1 hour - 1 hour 30 from NYC. I could never live in NYC, far to busy for me since I’m a born and bred farm country girl here in the UK. But I do LOVE it there! It’s so overwhelming and incredible. But I’ve yet to see more of the US! Maybe one day 😂💛

You are very lucky indeed, and like Mr. bone said, English is your native language  you're also white, and that's important in the current political climate, haha

good luck on the house! my husband already rented one for us, so I'll be moving there hopefully at the beginning of September. i've been to the U.S many times as well, and I spent 6 months in Austin so I already know the area and love it, some friends and potential clients. Huge advantage for sure! 

thank you for the hope and good vibes <3 much needed, for sure! 

 

Yup, it's going to take me 560 days or so between when we applied- to the actual interview date in August. I have around more 60 to go, and  it really puts things in perspective because even though it has been indeed horrible, many people wait even longer or have more stressful journeys. We saw each other a bunch of times last year (every 2-3 months or so) which I know is a commodity a lot don't have. But with all the delays and money spent seeing each other, we haven't been able to afford to travel again until my interview, which is going to be 8 months.  My poor man is working 2 jobs and I paid half the rent of our house (2000 USD!) out of pocket. 

 

Nothing about this process is convenient, fast, cheap or enjoyable. I'm grateful we're almost at the end of it, but definitely nervous about the interview portion of it!  I've heard Ciudad Juarez is intense.

 

My husband and I are planning a road trip once our finances improve. I can't wait to see more of the U.S! I was born and raised in a small island but I love big cities, I am a masochist because I adore being overwhelmed haha 

 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Hey there - just some (lengthy) thoughts/observations:

 

- You mentioned not being so close to your family, which is what surprises you about your current feelings. Perhaps that's exactly why you are feeling the way you are. I'm the petitioner, so I can't say I 100% understand what you are going through, but I did have to watch my husband go through this exact process just a few short months ago. I remember leading up to it, he focused on the most important people in his life that he's closest to. Then right before he left - like literally within a week of leaving - he was suddenly talking about these people he hasn't been close to for a while, some he hadn't seen in years, and how he's reconnecting with them. I think there was some underlying guilt that he hadn't taken the time/opportunity to reconnect with them more while he'd had the chance before moving out of the country. I think that's an organic "what-if" reaction - the realization that you may be missing out on the opportunity to become closer to some people, because you won't be near them anymore. I think that is entirely normal. It encouraged my husband to connect with people via social media more (something he's never been a fan of beforehand), and commit to staying in touch more. He spends a lot of time during the day FaceTiming with people and sending videos back and forth. I think that definitely helps. Going through this process during such a technology-driven era is only benefitting to folks like us - it makes staying in touch and closing the distance a lot easier.

 

- DO NOT allow others' guilt inductions negate any of the excitement you are allowed to have right now. Yes, this is a HUGE life-changing transition. My husband was VERY nervous during his move and I know it was a very bittersweet time for him. He was coming home to me, but telling a lot of people goodbye. That is never easy. It hurts my heart to hear you have people who are important to you who are giving you a harder time than they should be. Yes, your friends and family are allowed to be sad and wish you weren't going. It's human nature to want to be close to people we love, even if it's in a selfish capacity. But at the same time, if you are following your heart and making a decision that does nothing but make your dreams come true, that should matter more. My husband's family has fortunately been so supportive of us, even before they ever met me. My immediate family and close social circle on my end has been, also. But I had some extended relatives who were not supportive. They were rude. Ignorant. And racist. I saw sides of people I respected all my life that I never knew existed. It was hard, but I decided to put them on mute. I'll always care about them and they'll never be "dead to me", but I know I can't allow that negativity into mine or my husband's life. They won't be invited to our house for dinners or holidays. They aren't invited to our traditional wedding. That door will be open should they ever come around, but you come to a point where you realize you cannot force people to be in your corner. If they choose to work against you, it's not worth the effort to continue pushing up against that kind of pressure. If that is the case for you and people in your life, just make sure you always choose your joy and your self preservation over others' intolerance or refusal of acceptance. Always keep those lines of communication open and flowing, but don't feel like you need to swallow yourself up in their reservations out of respect or obligation. It is not obligated or required by you. I promise.

 

- Culture shock is real. No matter how you prepare for it. My husband is from a northern, Nordic country. Although his heritage hails from the Philippines (privy to dry/humid heat), our weather alone down here in the south has been an adjustment for him. Most of his visits here over the years took place in the summer, and once in the winter. He's now seeing what our year-long weather is like. He's not used to hurricane and tornado seasons. He'd also never seen heat lightening before, which I never thought about the fact that that could be strange or even alarming to someone who's never seen it before, or even knew what it was. I joked that it probably felt like War of the Worlds for a minute.  Visiting/vacationing somewhere is definitely different from LIVING there. Your mentality is different. There's a lot more to adjust to, because you aren't "going home" after a while - you ARE home. Allow yourself to feel that and realize what a big deal that is. But know that you will overcome it and you will embrace it and you will conquer it, because that is exactly where you are supposed to be. You are home. My husband has always said throughout this process that I'm his home. The rest is just white noise.

 

- Above all else - be fruitful in the positive attributes this will also bring. There will be way more joy than there will be fear and guilt. The feeling of finally being with your partner and never having to leave one another again is indescribable. I've yet to figure out the best word to use for it. The excitement of beginning your life together will validate everything you are feeling now, and you will have that moment where you realize this is exactly where you are meant to be and what is meant to be. And when that happens, nothing else will matter so much.

 

Hang in there, love! It is a rough journey for both the heart and the soul, but you are NOT alone and you are not the only one to ever feel the things that you are. XOXO

Edited July 2, 2018 by Paul & Mallory

[Penny&Lee 338]

On 7/2/2018 at 3:54 PM, Paul & Mallory said:

Hey there - just some (lengthy) thoughts/observations:

 

- You mentioned not being so close to your family, which is what surprises you about your current feelings. Perhaps that's exactly why you are feeling the way you are. I'm the petitioner, so I can't say I 100% understand what you are going through, but I did have to watch my husband go through this exact process just a few short months ago. I remember leading up to it, he focused on the most important people in his life that he's closest to. Then right before he left - like literally within a week of leaving - he was suddenly talking about these people he hasn't been close to for a while, some he hadn't seen in years, and how he's reconnecting with them. I think there was some underlying guilt that he hadn't taken the time/opportunity to reconnect with them more while he'd had the chance before moving out of the country. I think that's an organic "what-if" reaction - the realization that you may be missing out on the opportunity to become closer to some people, because you won't be near them anymore. I think that is entirely normal. It encouraged my husband to connect with people via social media more (something he's never been a fan of beforehand), and commit to staying in touch more. He spends a lot of time during the day FaceTiming with people and sending videos back and forth. I think that definitely helps. Going through this process during such a technology-driven era is only benefitting to folks like us - it makes staying in touch and closing the distance a lot easier.

 

- DO NOT allow others' guilt inductions negate any of the excitement you are allowed to have right now. Yes, this is a HUGE life-changing transition. My husband was VERY nervous during his move and I know it was a very bittersweet time for him. He was coming home to me, but telling a lot of people goodbye. That is never easy. It hurts my heart to hear you have people who are important to you who are giving you a harder time than they should be. Yes, your friends and family are allowed to be sad and wish you weren't going. It's human nature to want to be close to people we love, even if it's in a selfish capacity. But at the same time, if you are following your heart and making a decision that does nothing but make your dreams come true, that should matter more. My husband's family has fortunately been so supportive of us, even before they ever met me. My immediate family and close social circle on my end has been, also. But I had some extended relatives who were not supportive. They were rude. Ignorant. And racist. I saw sides of people I respected all my life that I never knew existed. It was hard, but I decided to put them on mute. I'll always care about them and they'll never be "dead to me", but I know I can't allow that negativity into mine or my husband's life. They won't be invited to our house for dinners or holidays. They aren't invited to our traditional wedding. That door will be open should they ever come around, but you come to a point where you realize you cannot force people to be in your corner. If they choose to work against you, it's not worth the effort to continue pushing up against that kind of pressure. If that is the case for you and people in your life, just make sure you always choose your joy and your self preservation over others' intolerance or refusal of acceptance. Always keep those lines of communication open and flowing, but don't feel like you need to swallow yourself up in their reservations out of respect or obligation. It is not obligated or required by you. I promise.

 

- Culture shock is real. No matter how you prepare for it. My husband is from a northern, Nordic country. Although his heritage hails from the Philippines (privy to dry/humid heat), our weather alone down here in the south has been an adjustment for him. Most of his visits here over the years took place in the summer, and once in the winter. He's now seeing what our year-long weather is like. He's not used to hurricane and tornado seasons. He'd also never seen heat lightening before, which I never thought about the fact that that could be strange or even alarming to someone who's never seen it before, or even knew what it was. I joked that it probably felt like War of the Worlds for a minute.  Visiting/vacationing somewhere is definitely different from LIVING there. Your mentality is different. There's a lot more to adjust to, because you aren't "going home" after a while - you ARE home. Allow yourself to feel that and realize what a big deal that is. But know that you will overcome it and you will embrace it and you will conquer it, because that is exactly where you are supposed to be. You are home. My husband has always said throughout this process that I'm his home. The rest is just white noise.

 

- Above all else - be fruitful in the positive attributes this will also bring. There will be way more joy than there will be fear and guilt. The feeling of finally being with your partner and never having to leave one another again is indescribable. I've yet to figure out the best word to use for it. The excitement of beginning your life together will validate everything you are feeling now, and you will have that moment where you realize this is exactly where you are meant to be and what is meant to be. And when that happens, nothing else will matter so much.

 

Hang in there, love! It is a rough journey for both the heart and the soul, but you are NOT alone and you are not the only one to ever feel the things that you are. XOXO

I can't say much other than thank you so much. This is an amazing read and something I wish that so many others could see too. I keep coming back here to read your response, although it's taken me a long time to respond (lol, packing, packing, packing).

It is so hard, something that I never expected to be so heartwrenching? Working so hard to be together, spending copious amounts of money and being so stressed. This should be the most exciting part for us! My fiancé (for the first time ever) is more excited than I am! I read you are the petitioner, and honestly, as the beneficiary, leaving everything behind is already SO hard, and I've not even left yet! More so, as I said, because my parents / family aren't really coming around or supporting us through it. It hurts me, watching them hurt. My mom has always been the "leather skinned" kinda person. And I've seen her cry more in these past 2 months than I have in my entire life. I don't want either of them to cry, I want them to realize that this is what I want to do and this is what I'm passionate about. She says things such as "I didn't give birth to you for you to leave me" "You're leaving me" "You don't care about us" "Family is nothing to you, because you're moving half way across the world" list could go on, and on. And instead of being excited for me, they're not. They talk about "what if things go wrong", "you can't let him control you", bizarre sh** like that, lol. My fiancé is the most AMAZING man I've ever met, and how they don't see that, IDK. But it's whatever, imo. I'm gonna do it no matter what anyone says, because I love him, I love the states, and there's SO many opportunities for me there in terms of work (when I can, anyways.)

Again, thank you. I'll continue to come back to your post when I'm feeling down, until the time of my POE comes (10 days)  XOXO 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

20 hours ago, Penny&Lee said:

I can't say much other than thank you so much. This is an amazing read and something I wish that so many others could see too. I keep coming back here to read your response, although it's taken me a long time to respond (lol, packing, packing, packing).

It is so hard, something that I never expected to be so heartwrenching? Working so hard to be together, spending copious amounts of money and being so stressed. This should be the most exciting part for us! My fiancé (for the first time ever) is more excited than I am! I read you are the petitioner, and honestly, as the beneficiary, leaving everything behind is already SO hard, and I've not even left yet! More so, as I said, because my parents / family aren't really coming around or supporting us through it. It hurts me, watching them hurt. My mom has always been the "leather skinned" kinda person. And I've seen her cry more in these past 2 months than I have in my entire life. I don't want either of them to cry, I want them to realize that this is what I want to do and this is what I'm passionate about. She says things such as "I didn't give birth to you for you to leave me" "You're leaving me" "You don't care about us" "Family is nothing to you, because you're moving half way across the world" list could go on, and on. And instead of being excited for me, they're not. They talk about "what if things go wrong", "you can't let him control you", bizarre sh** like that, lol. My fiancé is the most AMAZING man I've ever met, and how they don't see that, IDK. But it's whatever, imo. I'm gonna do it no matter what anyone says, because I love him, I love the states, and there's SO many opportunities for me there in terms of work (when I can, anyways.)

Again, thank you. I'll continue to come back to your post when I'm feeling down, until the time of my POE comes (10 days)  XOXO 

Man that is hard. I'm so sorry you have to go through that on top of the transition itself, which is hard enough. I can never pretend to know what it feels to be in your, or my husband's, shoes. I had a conversation recently in another thread about feeling guilty for all the things the beneficiary in your relationship is ultimately giving up to move to the states. The best thing I can ever advise someone, as the petitioner, is to just love their partner. Love them well and love them hard. It's all anyone can do. I know I can never duplicate the sacrifices my husband has made, and is making every day by being here instead of Sweden. Sometimes I'll just be sitting next to him and get it on my mind, and randomly blurt out "I love you so much, thank you". He always tells me it's nothing to thank him for, but I am thankful. It's such a precious, undisputable gift you are giving, being the one to move to another country.

 

At the end of the day, all you can do is what makes YOU happy. You parents and your family are important facets of your life, absolutely. But this is your life to live and unless you are making dangerous, unhealthy decisions, it's nobody's business to try and persuade you to be unhappy. My husband always says, the best response to negativity or discontent of your choices is living happily ever after. Hopefully when your family sees you living your best life, with your partner where you chose to settle down together, things will get better. My husband has always been a bit of a nomad before we met, so I know it's easy for him to say, particularly compared to someone who's never lived more than a 3 hour drive away from their parents (like me  ), but I do agree with his perspective - your family is ALWAYS your family, no matter how far apart you are. Disconnecting or letting those relationships go by the wayside is a choice. And you - and your family - have a choice of continuing to strengthen your relationship even while you live far apart. It is a two way street. But as long as you are giving your best effort and leave it on the table, then you are doing all you can. Just don't let it get in the way of that happily ever after, because you deserve that!

[Penny&Lee 338]

2 hours ago, Paul & Mallory said:

Man that is hard. I'm so sorry you have to go through that on top of the transition itself, which is hard enough. I can never pretend to know what it feels to be in your, or my husband's, shoes. I had a conversation recently in another thread about feeling guilty for all the things the beneficiary in your relationship is ultimately giving up to move to the states. The best thing I can ever advise someone, as the petitioner, is to just love their partner. Love them well and love them hard. It's all anyone can do. I know I can never duplicate the sacrifices my husband has made, and is making every day by being here instead of Sweden. Sometimes I'll just be sitting next to him and get it on my mind, and randomly blurt out "I love you so much, thank you". He always tells me it's nothing to thank him for, but I am thankful. It's such a precious, undisputable gift you are giving, being the one to move to another country.

 

At the end of the day, all you can do is what makes YOU happy. You parents and your family are important facets of your life, absolutely. But this is your life to live and unless you are making dangerous, unhealthy decisions, it's nobody's business to try and persuade you to be unhappy. My husband always says, the best response to negativity or discontent of your choices is living happily ever after. Hopefully when your family sees you living your best life, with your partner where you chose to settle down together, things will get better. My husband has always been a bit of a nomad before we met, so I know it's easy for him to say, particularly compared to someone who's never lived more than a 3 hour drive away from their parents (like me  ), but I do agree with his perspective - your family is ALWAYS your family, no matter how far apart you are. Disconnecting or letting those relationships go by the wayside is a choice. And you - and your family - have a choice of continuing to strengthen your relationship even while you live far apart. It is a two way street. But as long as you are giving your best effort and leave it on the table, then you are doing all you can. Just don't let it get in the way of that happily ever after, because you deserve that!

Thank you - it is so awful, but some days they're okay with it, the next they're shouting and screaming over it, I can and never will win. I guess also for them, online relationships were never a thing when they were my age. All they look at is "why couldn't you get someone here", stuff like that. It's hard for them to grasp and understand that online relationships do happen and are happening all around us, I'm seeing it's far more common nowadays for someone to meet online, than date someone locally. (Of course this can be disputed, but that's how I see it). But I hate the feeling of being tied up in one place. No matter whether I move to the states now, I've always had that "travel bug", so I'd be away more than I'm home either way.
It is so much to "give up", but we're all making these decisions for a reason! And besides, in my perspective, living there may not be forever. I could be there permanently and hate it. I like to look at all possibilities and that is definitely one of them. 

True! - I don't live to please anyone else. Being that girl that was always talked down to, bullied and never got the chance to have my own voice, my time is now and I've never been more confident in a decision I've made like I am this one.

Luckily for me, I've traveled and stayed with my fiancé for many months at a time, (3 months, returning home for 1 week, then going back for another 3 months), so being away from my family for long periods of time is familiar. It's obviously different now, and I am trying to convince myself that this is just a holiday just to make the sadness a little more bearable. I'd much prefer to cry in the arms of my love than cry at the airport when I'm alone. I always think the worst things when I'm solo, lol. I think the thing my parents are riding on is the fact I'm applying for AP so I can return for Christmas. That's only 5 months away, so not too bad.

I feel like I've just sat here and rambled on, hahah, sorry! But thank you so much for some great advice and comfort, I appreciate it more than I can express.

 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

12 hours ago, Penny&Lee said:

Thank you - it is so awful, but some days they're okay with it, the next they're shouting and screaming over it, I can and never will win. I guess also for them, online relationships were never a thing when they were my age. All they look at is "why couldn't you get someone here", stuff like that. It's hard for them to grasp and understand that online relationships do happen and are happening all around us, I'm seeing it's far more common nowadays for someone to meet online, than date someone locally. (Of course this can be disputed, but that's how I see it). But I hate the feeling of being tied up in one place. No matter whether I move to the states now, I've always had that "travel bug", so I'd be away more than I'm home either way.
It is so much to "give up", but we're all making these decisions for a reason! And besides, in my perspective, living there may not be forever. I could be there permanently and hate it. I like to look at all possibilities and that is definitely one of them. 

True! - I don't live to please anyone else. Being that girl that was always talked down to, bullied and never got the chance to have my own voice, my time is now and I've never been more confident in a decision I've made like I am this one.

Luckily for me, I've traveled and stayed with my fiancé for many months at a time, (3 months, returning home for 1 week, then going back for another 3 months), so being away from my family for long periods of time is familiar. It's obviously different now, and I am trying to convince myself that this is just a holiday just to make the sadness a little more bearable. I'd much prefer to cry in the arms of my love than cry at the airport when I'm alone. I always think the worst things when I'm solo, lol. I think the thing my parents are riding on is the fact I'm applying for AP so I can return for Christmas. That's only 5 months away, so not too bad.

I feel like I've just sat here and rambled on, hahah, sorry! But thank you so much for some great advice and comfort, I appreciate it more than I can express.

 

No need to apologize - this is what this community is for! A lot of it is networking, researching, and gaining knowledge, but another big part of it is emotional and mental support. Nobody knows what you are going through other than people who have gone, or are also going through it - and this place is full of people just like that. Sometimes I come here and just read posts/threads that are most relatable to whatever stage we're currently at and possibly struggling with. Sometimes it just helps to read other people have gone through the same motions, or understand the tough parts.

 

It's ironic; along with the negative people, there's also people who are pretty positive, but a little naïve about this whole thing. There's people who comment on how romantic this is and how amazing it must be to have someone cross the world for you. And that IS awesome - like I said before, it's something I'll never stop being grateful for. But it's also not easy. We all put it a LOT of time, and a lot of tears, to get to where we are, and continue to where we are going. My husband and I were apart for a whole year between petitioning and seeing each other again. That was the hardest year of my life. I spend much more time than I should being envious of "normal" couples who could just decide to move in together, or plan a normal wedding and have a normal engagement. Most of us here are far from normal. But at the same time, it's what makes all our stories so individual and special. While sometimes I crave the normalcy, I'm also proud to be so unconventional. It makes you interesting. It makes you unique. Authentic. NOT cookie cutter. And that's pretty cool, too.

 

I'm glad to hear the confidence there! That is what you got you this far with your partner, and what will make the transition such an amazing adventure for you. And you're right - as permanent as this feels, because of how many hoops you have to jump through, nothing is truly permanent. We have always left the possibility on the table that Sweden may be our home someday. The US may not work out in the long run; we felt it was the best option for us right now, but things could always change. We hope to both have dual citizenship when it's all said and done so we can go back and forth more freely, but also have the option remain open to move back there if we ever choose to. Not saying your family should hang their hats on that, because you may absolutely love being American and never want to leave  - but sometimes it helps to know some things aren't super glued down and paved over with concrete. The great thing about nomadic spirits is their roots are strong, but eternally flexible. I've always been a homebody, but it's something about myself that's changed since meeting my husband. And it's something I'm grateful for. That's one great thing about the states - there are SO many different places to see, and there are so many opportunities to travel within the country itself. I think that'll be something you'll enjoy together once you're settled, too. And something you don't have to wait for AP for.

 

Do you think your family will ever come visit you here? I think that helps a lot too, for them to see where you are and see that you're okay/happy/etc. It makes it easier for them to picture you here when you're apart.

 

Edited July 11, 2018 by Paul & Mallory