Marital woes

[embarrassed 9]

This is going to sound so bizarre but I'll start anyway. My husband and I live in a sprawling suburban area. He's the USC and I'm the non-USC spouse. I am attending grad school and been doing well on that end. However, it's also summertime now and many of the people I know aren't on campus and many of my compatriots are in my home country. At the same time, the only people my husband and I see are his sister and her husband. My SIL and I used to have a rapport but my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year for no obvious reasons. She does not acknowledge me or even thanks me for inviting her to join us at events and our conversations are transactional in nature ("Embarrassed, when was the last time we went to XYZ?" "I think last July" "Oh, that's right"). My husband knows and acknowledges that his sister is a b**** but keeps on telling me to "be the bigger person". He has only gone out of his way once to let her know that I was offended by her behavior last year but she just pretends like nothing has happened between us. Naturally, I feel invisible and decide to take matters into my hands. I joined Meetup.com to connect with other internationals like myself and it turns out that one of the groups is having a meet-and-greet this Sunday. Since I don't have a vehicle of my own (husband and I commute and he picks me up), I asked if I could carpool with anyone because the venue would be quite a drive for my husband and he isn't the socializing type. I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing. The organizer kindly replied that he wouldn't mind giving me a ride and I was happy thinking that yay, someone is willing to carpool! Unfortunately, I conveyed all this to my husband and it blows up in my face because he's upset that I would even think about joining a "hook-up service" and that I would get into a car with a guy whom I've never met to go somewhere where I've never been. My husband tells me there must be something missing in my life that I am doing this and when I tell him he's being insecure, he says he's pissed off because he doesn't know what my intentions are, and that his sister was right all along about me being a gold-digger etc. And I'm like, "Seriously, she said that?" and he goes, "No, but she suspected you in the beginning and so you deserve her treatment!" As you can tell, this has blown up in my face for no good reason. I have changed my mind about going to the meetup but my husband says even if I'm not going, he doesn't want to spend Sunday with me at all. He says he couldn't care less if I don't come home. And that I ruined his upcoming birthday because of this. For reference, there is a sizeable age difference between us which might contribute to his behavior but I am hoping that rationality will prevail. I just feel so bad that he is upset by this and I honestly thought he'd be supportive cos I really just want to widen my social circle with people who share my experience. It just didn't occur to me that he'd be freaked out by someone giving me a ride just because it's a guy and I don't know him. Any kind words?

[TBoneTX 43,058]

*** Thread moved from "Moving to the US" forum to the Effects of Major Changes forum, where similar issues are often discussed. ***

[usmsbow 795]

Random questions/thoughts:

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

2. Has acted this way before?

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.

[embarrassed 9]

Thanks for replying. My answers are in blue.

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

Since Nov 2013. We've known each other for about 5 years now.

2. Has acted this way before?

This is the first time he has overreacted this much. In fact, he just sent me a text telling me to "make alternate plans" and "hope that you had a productive day making online hook ups". I used to bring up meeting my fellow countrypeople before, and he'd complain that he didn't want to meet strangers but would go anyway.

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

The only reason I can think of is that he is hitting the big 6-0. We are comfortable and there are no financial problems.

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

No idea. She seemed happy for us to get married but I think she was offended over little things like me not wanting her cats in bed with me when I was staying over. I don't know what's going on in her mind except that she may be jealous of me for whatever reasons.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

He's always been insecure about our age difference. And would tease me if I ever mentioned anyone who is remotely male, be it a grad student, professor or janitor ("I bet he was hitting on you!") I have never done anything to provoke suspicion. I'm not like some wild twenty-something who loves to club and party. I'm more of a homebody. If I'm not at campus, I'm at home with him. And if he's not at home, chances are he's at Home Depot picking out stuff for the house. We generally spend all our free time together.

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.

He's already been to the site and actually checked out the organizer's profile page. But he still thinks it's for hook ups! I have no idea how to talk sense into him. I can't believe he's threatening to divorce me over this

[onye uwaoma 131]

If I were your husband I would be suspicious of your behavior because this hook up thing is not only bizarre but a slap on his face...

[JoBri 545]

Why fight to introduce insecurity in a marriage?

[usmsbow 795]

Thanks for replying. My answers are in blue.

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

Since Nov 2013. We've known each other for about 5 years now.

2. Has acted this way before?

This is the first time he has overreacted this much. In fact, he just sent me a text telling me to "make alternate plans" and "hope that you had a productive day making online hook ups". I used to bring up meeting my fellow countrypeople before, and he'd complain that he didn't want to meet strangers but would go anyway.

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

The only reason I can think of is that he is hitting the big 6-0. We are comfortable and there are no financial problems.

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

No idea. She seemed happy for us to get married but I think she was offended over little things like me not wanting her cats in bed with me when I was staying over. I don't know what's going on in her mind except that she may be jealous of me for whatever reasons.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

He's always been insecure about our age difference. And would tease me if I ever mentioned anyone who is remotely male, be it a grad student, professor or janitor ("I bet he was hitting on you!") I have never done anything to provoke suspicion. I'm not like some wild twenty-something who loves to club and party. I'm more of a homebody. If I'm not at campus, I'm at home with him. And if he's not at home, chances are he's at Home Depot picking out stuff for the house. We generally spend all our free time together.

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.

He's already been to the site and actually checked out the organizer's profile page. But he still thinks it's for hook ups! I have no idea how to talk sense into him. I can't believe he's threatening to divorce me over this

Overreacted this much? So he's overreacted before, just not to this extent? Sounds like something happened. Maybe he saw/read something that made him more "concerned". Have you asked him straight out, "Hun, what's up? Why are you now all of a sudden upset at this? I'm confused" or something along those lines? Sounds like you two need to figure out where each is coming from. Hope he is willing to do that at least..

If I were your husband I would be suspicious of your behavior because this hook up thing is not only bizarre but a slap on his face...

What are you talking about?? What has she done that is suspicous or have anything to do with hooking up?

[Ontarkie 13,916]

I think I remember you. If I remember right your SIL and your personality just don't match up, you didn't like her cats so I'm sure that didn't help. I also remember some other issues you were having with your expectations of them.

As for the meet up, you have no clue who the person is that you gave personal information too, you have no idea if the person you spoke to is not some nut. Just because he organized it doesn't mean the guy is going to be a safe person to be alone with. Heck I host a party every year for Canada here and the only person who ever contacted me was by email and then we swapped FB info to check each other out. Sure she could of be a psycho but neither of us were ever going to meet up alone.

The whole point of going to group meet ups is to not be alone with a perfect stranger. This is a safety issue and your husband went into the the protector mode. Now he did over react and then turned nasty and that was not called for.

Why did you not even ask your husband if he wanted to go, I mean give him the chance to say no at least?

Ok not the thread I was looking for but this makes more sense of why he acted the way he did. Still not acceptable though.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474677-anxiety-about-upcoming-aos-interview-due-to-a-secret/#entry6747944

Edited June 23, 2015 by Ontarkie

[2far 185]

I would be upset if my spouse went online, found a group of strangers to meet up with, and made plans to meet them without mentioning any of it to me beforehand.

Especially, if he asked for a ride from someone before even asking if I wanted to go or if I would drive him.

My husband and I have actually considered doing something with a meetup.com group, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

It was brought up by one of us, discussed, groups were looked at together, etc...

I'm only guessing here, but the fact that he wasn't included in ANY of this is why he is upset and thinks you are doing something suspicious.

Edit to add:

You said " I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing."

As a married person, I firmly believe it is okay for each person to have their own "thing", but that involves communicating your intentions with each other so no one feels left out or insecure about it.

Edited June 23, 2015 by 2far

[tolitzpogi 37]

Speaking as a man and a fairly newly wed individual, I can somewhat understand his reaction.

1. Your desire to meet up with other people, especially strangers, gives out the impression that you're already bored with him and your life here, and that you want to spend time with someone else other than him. Sure, it's insecurity on his part, but think about it: you're married to him, and you are still in a relatively early stage of your marital relationship, and you want to meet up with strangers to satisfy something that may or may not be lacking in your relationship with your husband. The difference in age only makes it worse, because he feels threatened about people he does not know spending time with his wife, regardless of how harmless it is.

2. Chalk it up to insecurity or jealousy or possessiveness, but put yourself in his shoes: He has a young wife for whom he went through all the trouble bringing here to start a new life and he is thinking that you have found happiness with him. And then you spring this meetup to him without asking him if it was okay to begin with. You said yourself that he isn't the socializing type - which leads him to believe that since you wanted to meet up with strangers, you find their companionship more enjoyable than his, and he begins to question himself and whether or not he can make you happy.

3. The rift with his sister does contribute to his insecurity. I am 100% sure that he hears some unflattering things about you from her, but you said that you were in relatively good terms at first. Being in a new country is all about adjustments. In-laws are always troublesome because they do not know you that well yet.

I had the same experience with my mother and my brother, who initially said bringing my fiancee (now wife) here is not a good idea, and since she already had children, they said all sorts of things like her trying to take advantage of me and just being with me for the green card so she can petition an alleged boyfriend (of the father of the kids). But once she finally got here, she did her best to get closer to them. In Filipino terms, binobola bola niya para mapalapit ang loob (bluffing her way and kidding with them until they felt comfortable with her). Now, my mother buys her clothes, and my brother even helped decorate and prepare the room that her daughters are gonna be staying in.

4. You should understand that international marriages are wrought with scams, and they are also scared. You should gain their trust and roll with it until they are comfortable with you and start thinking of you as family instead of "that young girl who married someone older."

5. As I said before, you went about it the wrong way... you told him that you will be going with a stranger to a meetup, without asking him first if (a) it was okay for you to go alone, (b) can he go with you because there will be strangers there, and © pleading for him to come with you, even if you already know he probably inconvenience him. The point I'm making is you consult with him since he's your husband, and because you are new to the country.

You should apologize to him and ask him to forgive you for not asking him first, and explain calmly your intentions for making those preparations without consulting him. You seemed to have good intentions, but the problem is he does not know about them. Communication is the key. And do this with his sister as well. Sit down with her and be open about your concerns. Tell her that you want to get along with her because you are now family. Maybe tell her that you don't like cats, and that you didn't mean anything bad with your earlier actions.

My wife and I get into arguments, but we don't let it simmer. She wants to go outside a lot because she was bored inside the house, but she asks me if she can go. She tells me where she is going. She does not meet with strangers unless I was with her. And I do the same with her.

If you do love your husband, work on your relationship. Work on your marriage. Ego will net you a divorce.

Good luck.

[embarrassed 9]

I think I remember you. If I remember right your SIL and your personality just don't match up, you didn't like her cats so I'm sure that didn't help. I also remember some other issues you were having with your expectations of them.

As for the meet up, you have no clue who the person is that you gave personal information too, you have no idea if the person you spoke to is not some nut. Just because he organized it doesn't mean the guy is going to be a safe person to be alone with. Heck I host a party every year for Canada here and the only person who ever contacted me was by email and then we swapped FB info to check each other out. Sure she could of be a psycho but neither of us were ever going to meet up alone.

The whole point of going to group meet ups is to not be alone with a perfect stranger. This is a safety issue and your husband went into the the protector mode. Now he did over react and then turned nasty and that was not called for.

Why did you not even ask your husband if he wanted to go, I mean give him the chance to say no at least?

Ok not the thread I was looking for but this makes more sense of why he acted the way he did. Still not acceptable though.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474677-anxiety-about-upcoming-aos-interview-due-to-a-secret/#entry6747944

I did tell my husband yesterday that I knew he wouldn't be interested and he agreed. He says he's perfectly fine not needing to meet new friends and I accept that. But he has had the luxury of knowing the same friends for 15-30 years whereas I'm generally new to the US and am trying to fit in somewhere. And I thought it'll be good to start with people who have been through the same experience of adjustment and transition. Perhaps I should have asked ahead but I don't want to appear as if I'm seeking his permission to make new friends.

[Ontarkie 13,916]

I did tell my husband yesterday that I knew he wouldn't be interested and he agreed. He says he's perfectly fine not needing to meet new friends and I accept that. But he has had the luxury of knowing the same friends for 15-30 years whereas I'm generally new to the US and am trying to fit in somewhere. And I thought it'll be good to start with people who have been through the same experience of adjustment and transition. Perhaps I should have asked ahead but I don't want to appear as if I'm seeking his permission to make new friends.

Oh heck no, not ask his permission you're a grown women and don't need it. I mean just say something like hey I need to make friends and found this group want to come with me. That type of thing.

[Jawaree 717]

I don't think he would have reacted that way if you were being picked up by a female (U never met)

Him I suspect is older so at least understand the guy some-what. .Had he acted in-secure B4? if not

take the time to understand where he is coming from....If you love him maybe a little counseling,

going out together at times, communicating rationally & honestly will help....Seem you are indeed

well taken care off & when you do stuff like that all the negatives his sister spews to him comes to

mind....As to the sister politely tune her out

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

Two words: marriage counseling.

The basics of your marriage are similar to mine and my wife's. If we ever have difficulties going forward, I would want to use marriage counseling to resolve it. Don't wait until you arrive at unsolvable problems to get professional help. By the way, this is a good forum and asking for help is cool. And I would never want to discount the issues that people have faced here and their level of expertise. But your issue is not an immigration issue, it's a marriage issue. That's why I recommend seeing a professional.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Russ&Caro

[ChrisandKissy 1]

I think your poor husband and sister-in-law have a lot more drama from you in their future.