Anxiety about upcoming AOS interview due to a secret

[embarrassed 9]

I have recently gotten my AOS notice to appear for an interview with my husband. My secret would sound a little silly to some people but it means a great deal to me. I had a deed poll done on my 21st birthday because I did not want to associate myself with my family's Muslim identity. Where I'm from, children are automatically assigned to the religion of their parents, which they can only "change" at the age of 21. Same goes for name changes too. A little context about how I grew up- I was born out of wedlock (never met my dad), and was raised by my mother's sister (they hate each other but are staying in the same apartment for lack of choice). I did not have a religious upbringing- completely secular education in school, and my aunt was too preoccupied with bread-and-butter issues.

For some reason, when I was around 18, my aunt started turning into a religious fanatic. I say that, because she started imposing her beliefs on me, and wanted to me to learn Quran verses, not let me out of the flat unless she recited something from the Quran, hanging up Quran verses everywhere in the house etc. Life for me became even more uncomfortable at home, because it wasn't as if religion cured her depression or anger management issues. I have always cringed whenever I heard my full original Muslim-sounding name, and have always wanted to change it for the longest time. So I did that on the very day that I could. I didn't even tell my aunt but she spotted my new ID the following month. Needless to say, she harassed me about it- not because it no longer sounded Muslim, but because I'd taken on a plant name for my last name! She's gotten over it though. Besides her, only friends from my senior high school know about my original name. The name that I've changed to has followed me since, and it is the only name my husband knows me by. He's asked me many times over the years about where my last name comes from, and I just can't bring myself to tell him about this.

I've worried about my secret since before we started on the K-1. But I took on assembling the package for the K-1 while I was in the US, and before I left, I slipped a copy of the deed poll into an envelope and clipped it to the photos packet. I had included my old name under "Other names used" for all the forms, and was hoping that he wouldn't go through the package. He just brought it to the USPS folks. Months later, he told me that we received an RFE, which worried me because I didn't know if it would ask for proof for change of name etc., knowing how USCIS screws up sometimes. The RFE was about a certified copy which he didn't provide, so phew! When the actual interview came up in my home country, I did show them my birth certificate and deed poll, and no one asked me any further questions. Even for the AOS, I managed to photocopy my birth certificate in secret at home, and he didn't check the package either.

My concern is that for the AOS interview, when we will be interviewed together, that this secret will come to light if they ask for birth certificates. I'm hoping that they won't. But then again, I know that they already have all the copies on file, so they might just mention it in front of my husband. He's already met my aunt once, who came to Starbucks, in full headgear. She didn't tell him anything, and he didn't ask. Later he did ask me, "She dresses like those Muslim women.." and I told him it's an Indian thing (her father was half-Indian), and he's like, "Oh, ok".

The one time he came really close to knowing, was when he picked up an old PO Box authorization card of mine which was set up in my old name. I snatched it from him, to his surprise (I panicked!), and he asked if I was leading a double life. I convinced him that they mistook another 'embarrassed' for me, and that they didn't bother reprinting it. I'm already terribly embarrassed about my aunt ("I knew from my meeting with her, that she's obviously got a screw loose..but she's nice" How comforting!) that it took me the longest time to allow them to meet (under the condition that she was not to reveal anything). Because of the AOS interview, I don't know if I can continue keeping this a secret. I don't want him thinking that I've been lying to him all that this while because he has asked if my name was on my BC and if I had added the first name he knew me by ("Did you always have that name or did you change it?"). I incorporated that name into the middle portion of my current name.

I know a lot of people will advise to just come clean, but obviously, I still want to keep this a secret! It's a complex issue for me, and I just needed to get this off my chest. I welcome any constructive thoughts and feedback- this has been consuming me...

Edited January 11, 2014 by embarrassed

[Rebecca616 38]

Put yourself in his shoes. What would you think if your fiancé had done the same to you? Having kept it a secret this long, it might make him wonder what else you are hiding about yourself. (not saying you have)

[Golden Gate 530]

You will be consumed until you come clean. Lying to your husband is not the way to proceed in your marriage. You shouldn't be ashamed of your name or your aunt even. She is the way she is. She isn't you and you aren't her. She doesn't speak for all Muslims, by the way, either. Everyone has a nutty relative. However, if your husband is anti-Muslim and you are agreeing with him about that, I can see why you are having such a hard time coming clean. Anyway, if religion isn't a part of your current life, why does it matter what your family does? Here in this country, we all have our own opinions and many people have families made up of various beliefs on religion. Some are very religious, while others are atheists. People can be different religions in the same family. It isn't the big deal here as it is in some other countries. If you explain to your husband what you have felt in your life and how it has impacted you, and why you have changed your name, he should be able to understand because he loves you.

Edited January 11, 2014 by Golden Gate

[embarrassed 9]

Put yourself in his shoes. What would you think if your fiancé had done the same to you? Having kept it a secret this long, it might make him wonder what else you are hiding about yourself. (not saying you have)

That's the problem- I don't think it'd make him feel any better should he know now! Although I wonder if the USCIS folks do mention it, and he goes, "Huh, what?"..then would they think that we are not bona fide? That would be one compelling reason to reveal my past, but otherwise I still rather he not know, if given a choice. I changed my name precisely because I didn't want people to know me by my original name. Telling him I used to be "Embarrassed Binte Abdullah" contradicts that.

[embarrassed 9]

You will be consumed until you come clean. Lying to your husband is not the way to proceed in your marriage. You shouldn't be ashamed of your name or your aunt even. She is the way she is. She isn't you and you aren't her. She doesn't speak for all Muslims, by the way, either. Everyone has a nutty relative. However, if your husband is anti-Muslim and you are agreeing with him about that, I can see why you are having such a hard time coming clean. Anyway, if religion isn't a part of your current life, why does it matter what your family does? Here in this country, we all have our own opinions and many people have families made up of various beliefs on religion. Some are very religious, while others are atheists. People can be different religions in the same family. It isn't the big deal here as it is in some other countries. If you explain to your husband what you have felt in your life and how it has impacted you, and why you have changed your name, he should be able to understand because he loves you.

Thank you Golden Gate. Your line about everyone having a nutty relative cracked me up! I would not say that my husband is anti-Muslim, but yes, we have both made terrible remarks about Muslims being the source of crazy airline security checks (I once had a brand new aerosol container of sunscreen dumped by a Muslim airport officer because I couldn't bring it on the plane, and I bitched to my bestie via text about it). To answer your question, it doesn't matter what my family does, but because they identified as Muslim, I ended up being identified as Muslim too...and I didn't even have a say in that, which pisses me off. If I hadn't been born to them, I wouldn't have to go to lengths to conceal a name which I hated. On some level, I just don't want my husband to think differently of me, because I really didn't have a choice, it was imposed on me, and I just hope he would understand that

[Rebecca616 38]

Once again, would you want your husband to have to go through that? Be sitting there and have it brought up and he's just sitting there looking a fool? You don't want that, so sit down with him and tell him the same story you told everybody here.

[Kajikit 65]

Sweety, something like this should not BE a secret from your spouse! Things that are kept secret become a BIG DEAL when they're not. It's not as if you got to choose your own name at birth... JUST TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[christeen 966]

If it does get brought up and he is like "huh" who's that? It WILL raise red flags to USCIS and eventually it WILL come to light... You did not choose your name, YOU did not choose your relatives so I don't really see the big secret... He will probably be a bit hurt that you waited this long to tell him, and he will will probably think hiding was silly... But get through it... Don't start your lives on lies and secrets...

[X Factor 1,110]

If it does get brought up and he is like "huh" who's that? It WILL raise red flags to USCIS and eventually it WILL come to light... You did not choose your name, YOU did not choose your relatives so I don't really see the big secret... He will probably be a bit hurt that you waited this long to tell him, and he will will probably think hiding was silly... But get through it... Don't start your lives on lies and secrets...

Agreed. If you tell him that is only one issue. If it comes out during the interview you would have two issues. ... him and RED FLAGS

[NikLR 13,220]

A strong relationship cannot be built on an unstable foundation. Tell him the truth. In all honesty, this isn't a big deal. You're making it a big deal by keeping something so trivial as a secret. So you changed your name because you didn't like the old one? So what? I'm pretty sure the only question he'll have is, why didn't you tell me sooner and why did you feel the need to hide this? Really you're ready to lose your relationship over something as trivial as changing your name that you didn't like? Really? Think about it. I doubt you are. Tell your husband, who should be the one person in the world you can tell ANYTHING to, about this asap. You don't even have to make a big deal over it.

"hey remember that time the package came in that name? Well that was my name when I was born and I changed it because I didn't like it. You know I"m not religious and you know my aunt is cuckoo, and well, I just didn't want that name anymore." "why didn't you tell me before" "because I was embarrassed and didn't know how to tell you. Plus I never liked that name and you've always known me by XXXX name." Treat it like it's not a big deal and it won't be. You've treated this like it's a huge deal up until now. You're not cheating. You're not living a double life. You just had a name you didn't like.

[Zedayn 485]

You need to tell him your secret. Honestly this isnt something you should have kept from him.

[mitchanme 18]

I'd bet almost anything if you tell him the whole story just like you did here he'll just laugh and call you a silly goose, and you'll wonder what you were so worried about. There sure are a whole lotta worse things in the world.

[rlogan 2,036]

. But I took on assembling the package for the K-1 while I was in the US, and before I left, I slipped a copy of the deed poll into an envelope and clipped it to the photos packet. I had included my old name under "Other names used" for all the forms, and was hoping that he wouldn't go through the package. He just brought it to the USPS folks.

That's incredible. You are willing to go to great lengths to lie to your husband while telling a multitude of strangers on the internet the truth and concealing the true filings with the government.

The lengths you have gone to in lying to the husband are vastly more a problem than the background you are concealing - which is actually no problem whatsoever. It tells me there is something disordered about your thinking and that this will not be the only lie to your husband. Isn't it an enormous irony that you change your name because of something you did not like about your relatives, yet lying to your husband is something you are fine with in yourself?!

Yeah, this is definitely one that will bring a potentially fatal problem in the interview and it will be something you have earned. You will also have earned the husband's distrust. If you lose your status over this and your husband decides (understandably) to leave you then don't change your name again. Change your behavior.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

^^

Straight to the point of the matter. And that is the cold, harsh reality of the situation. Continued lying will lead to much bigger problems.

[Cathi 5,610]

I had a small secret I was keeping from my husband, and I like you, was afraid it would come out at the interview stage. So instead of letting it eat away at me, I told him and he didn't even bat an eyelash. It didn't come up at the interview, but I was glad I told him. You are using a lot of energy hiding something that really doesn't matter in the whole scheme of life. We all have at least one crazy relative, we all have our little secrets, buts it's best to be honest instead of looking over you shoulder. It's better you tell him instead of him finding out from someone else, because he eventually will.