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This is going to sound so bizarre but I'll start anyway. My husband and I live in a sprawling suburban area. He's the USC and I'm the non-USC spouse. I am attending grad school and been doing well on that end. However, it's also summertime now and many of the people I know aren't on campus and many of my compatriots are in my home country. At the same time, the only people my husband and I see are his sister and her husband. My SIL and I used to have a rapport but my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year for no obvious reasons. She does not acknowledge me or even thanks me for inviting her to join us at events and our conversations are transactional in nature ("Embarrassed, when was the last time we went to XYZ?" "I think last July" "Oh, that's right"). My husband knows and acknowledges that his sister is a b**** but keeps on telling me to "be the bigger person". He has only gone out of his way once to let her know that I was offended by her behavior last year but she just pretends like nothing has happened between us. Naturally, I feel invisible and decide to take matters into my hands. I joined Meetup.com to connect with other internationals like myself and it turns out that one of the groups is having a meet-and-greet this Sunday. Since I don't have a vehicle of my own (husband and I commute and he picks me up), I asked if I could carpool with anyone because the venue would be quite a drive for my husband and he isn't the socializing type. I just thought I didn't want to trouble my husband since this was going to be my thing. The organizer kindly replied that he wouldn't mind giving me a ride and I was happy thinking that yay, someone is willing to carpool! Unfortunately, I conveyed all this to my husband and it blows up in my face because he's upset that I would even think about joining a "hook-up service" and that I would get into a car with a guy whom I've never met to go somewhere where I've never been. My husband tells me there must be something missing in my life that I am doing this and when I tell him he's being insecure, he says he's pissed off because he doesn't know what my intentions are, and that his sister was right all along about me being a gold-digger etc. And I'm like, "Seriously, she said that?" and he goes, "No, but she suspected you in the beginning and so you deserve her treatment!" As you can tell, this has blown up in my face for no good reason. I have changed my mind about going to the meetup but my husband says even if I'm not going, he doesn't want to spend Sunday with me at all. He says he couldn't care less if I don't come home. And that I ruined his upcoming birthday because of this. For reference, there is a sizeable age difference between us which might contribute to his behavior but I am hoping that rationality will prevail. I just feel so bad that he is upset by this and I honestly thought he'd be supportive cos I really just want to widen my social circle with people who share my experience. It just didn't occur to me that he'd be freaked out by someone giving me a ride just because it's a guy and I don't know him. Any kind words?

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*** Thread moved from "Moving to the US" forum to the Effects of Major Changes forum, where similar issues are often discussed. ***


06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Random questions/thoughts:

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

2. Has acted this way before?

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.


Removing Conditions Timeline

Aug. 10, '17: Mailed in I-751

Aug. 21, '17: NOA1

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Thanks for replying. My answers are in blue.

1. How long have you two been married? I assume not long? But apparently for more than a year apparently?

Since Nov 2013. We've known each other for about 5 years now.

2. Has acted this way before?

This is the first time he has overreacted this much. In fact, he just sent me a text telling me to "make alternate plans" and "hope that you had a productive day making online hook ups". I used to bring up meeting my fellow countrypeople before, and he'd complain that he didn't want to meet strangers but would go anyway.

3. If not, is there some new stress in his life? Maybe related to money? Or work? Both?

The only reason I can think of is that he is hitting the big 6-0. We are comfortable and there are no financial problems.

4. Similar question for the SIL: has her life had some difficulties pop up in the past year? That could explain the change in your relationship with her.

No idea. She seemed happy for us to get married but I think she was offended over little things like me not wanting her cats in bed with me when I was staying over. I don't know what's going on in her mind except that she may be jealous of me for whatever reasons.

5. Any reason why he would start acting insecure/jealous?

He's always been insecure about our age difference. And would tease me if I ever mentioned anyone who is remotely male, be it a grad student, professor or janitor ("I bet he was hitting on you!") I have never done anything to provoke suspicion. I'm not like some wild twenty-something who loves to club and party. I'm more of a homebody. If I'm not at campus, I'm at home with him. And if he's not at home, chances are he's at Home Depot picking out stuff for the house. We generally spend all our free time together.

Maybe you should explain meetup.com to him, show him the group page, etc. Maybe see if a female can provide you a ride. Just a couple suggestions.

He's already been to the site and actually checked out the organizer's profile page. But he still thinks it's for hook ups! I have no idea how to talk sense into him. I can't believe he's threatening to divorce me over this :(

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I think I remember you. If I remember right your SIL and your personality just don't match up, you didn't like her cats so I'm sure that didn't help. I also remember some other issues you were having with your expectations of them.

As for the meet up, you have no clue who the person is that you gave personal information too, you have no idea if the person you spoke to is not some nut. Just because he organized it doesn't mean the guy is going to be a safe person to be alone with. Heck I host a party every year for Canada here and the only person who ever contacted me was by email and then we swapped FB info to check each other out. Sure she could of be a psycho but neither of us were ever going to meet up alone.

The whole point of going to group meet ups is to not be alone with a perfect stranger. This is a safety issue and your husband went into the the protector mode. Now he did over react and then turned nasty and that was not called for.

Why did you not even ask your husband if he wanted to go, I mean give him the chance to say no at least?

Ok not the thread I was looking for but this makes more sense of why he acted the way he did. Still not acceptable though.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474677-anxiety-about-upcoming-aos-interview-due-to-a-secret/#entry6747944

I did tell my husband yesterday that I knew he wouldn't be interested and he agreed. He says he's perfectly fine not needing to meet new friends and I accept that. But he has had the luxury of knowing the same friends for 15-30 years whereas I'm generally new to the US and am trying to fit in somewhere. And I thought it'll be good to start with people who have been through the same experience of adjustment and transition. Perhaps I should have asked ahead but I don't want to appear as if I'm seeking his permission to make new friends.

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I don't think he would have reacted that way if you were being picked up by a female (U never met)

Him I suspect is older so at least understand the guy some-what. .Had he acted in-secure B4? if not

take the time to understand where he is coming from....If you love him maybe a little counseling,

going out together at times, communicating rationally & honestly will help....Seem you are indeed

well taken care off & when you do stuff like that all the negatives his sister spews to him comes to

mind....As to the sister politely tune her out

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Two words: marriage counseling.

The basics of your marriage are similar to mine and my wife's. If we ever have difficulties going forward, I would want to use marriage counseling to resolve it. Don't wait until you arrive at unsolvable problems to get professional help. By the way, this is a good forum and asking for help is cool. And I would never want to discount the issues that people have faced here and their level of expertise. But your issue is not an immigration issue, it's a marriage issue. That's why I recommend seeing a professional.

Edited by Russ&Caro

Marriage: 2014-02-23
CR1 started : 2014-06-06
CR1 completed : 2015-07-13 (POE)
ROC started : 2017-04-14 - CSC

N400 started: 2018-04-24

N400 interview: 2018-08-16 - Albuquerque - Approved N400 & ROC

Oath ceremony: 2018-09-24 - Albuquerque

 

April 2017 I-751 Filers Spreadsheet

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1t335PrkwxPk7sRryv02NH3vrWHy0vlkBxjmPy5VYJO8/edit#gid=0

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