would you go?

[bvpshenvalley2 1]

I need some advice on what you all would do in this situation.

My husband and I met 4 years ago and married six months later in his home country of Peru. I was just able to get him here on a visa as I just got a job last year in the US and was able to sponsor him myself. Before I brought him here, I had been living in Peru with him to establish residency so I can file DCR and not be separated from my husband or be a single mom (we have a toddler).

It didn't take long for him to start complaining. Within months we were arguing on how he wanted to go home and how he wanted to work, and how he didn't want to be stuck in the house watching my daughter. In my spare time, I tried looking for jobs for him, but we were always rejected. The problem was that we live in a town that is run-down and does not have many jobs. I spoke with a recruiter in Atlanta ( a big Latino community) who told me that they could get him job, but I wasn't able to obtain a job there. He wanted to move there anyway but I barely made enough money to pay the bills and I couldn't imagine taking care of two households. Also, there would be nobody to care for our daughter as I work crazy hours at a non-family friendly business and he would not have enough money to pay for his own apartment in Atlanta.

Another problem we had is that we live in the country and he does not have a license. The driver's manual in GA is in English only with the test in Spanish. I tried to direct him to other states driver's manuals, but he told me they did not match the test. I tried to go over the driver's manual with him, but he just fell asleep.

Well, he finally found a job in Peru. We had argued enough before and I was tired of the begging, pleading and crying for him not to give me the two worst options of my life: be a single mom here (with no family and a crazy family unfriendly job) or send my daughter down to Peru with him where he has family. I let her go down with him as I didn't feel I could give her what she needed with my work schedule.

I would like to try to find a more family friendly job here in the US and bring my daughter back, but with my luck, that can take a while. He thinks I should move down there, but it scares me to put my future in his hands as I am the more educated and responsible one.

My questions to you all? Have any of you been put in a situation when you decided to move to the foreign person's home country for a more than temp basis. It wasn't the plan to move to his country until I retired, I thought everyone wanted to come to the US?

Also, what could I have done different to get him a job here? Please don't take this the wrong way, but I see many Latinos here (and I don't care their legal status) that are living here with their families. I always want to ask them where do they work? I also want to know how they are living as I said, I have to watch what I spend.

[NikLR 13,227]

*** moved to effects of major family changes on immigration from moving here and your new life in the USA so that the OP can get some better response to her question***

[Ivy. 113]

I would go, yes.

I would rather be with my husband and child in a foreign country than not be with them. Actually, that is exactly what I am doing, except we don't have a child yet at the foreign country is the US.

No, everyone does not want to come to the US. I like where I live and would much prefer him to move here. I hope that will happen one day.

If your family was unhappy in the US (and ut sounds like it was because your husband was not happy), why stay there? Were you happy in Peru? Do you have any specific reasons not to live there, except that you did not plan it just yet?

[Nicoco 26]

Even though I think I would have a hard time moving to my husband's home country because I can't speak Thai.... in your situation I would definitely seriously consider moving to Peru because your husband and daughter are there. It's going to be hard to leave everyone here in the US, but at least when you're in Peru you will have his family to help with your child and your husband and you will be together.

I know for many it is hard for them to leave their entire life to come to the US. This is exactly what you are going through....but just on the other side of things.

Good luck

[NinaD 6]

I'm from Canada and would love it if my husband would move there with me. I like America, but Canada has a lot of great thing about it, including a MUCH higher minimum wage and a socialized health care program. If you like Peru, maybe you should give it a try. If the marriage is still unhappy in Peru YOU can always come back to the USA. I think A LOT of people would rather come to the USA than stay in their home countries...but certainly not EVERYONE feels that way. I think it is rare for the American spouse to want to move, and rarer for them to even consider it.

[NikLR 13,227]

I would have loved for my husband to move to Canada. I agree it's much more rare for an American to want to move than it is for the foreign spouse. But why is that? Personally I think it's because they're taught that America is the best country ever and everyone should move here to be happy.

That doesn't mean the OP won't be happy in Peru and I agree that she should move there and try to make her family work. Who cares if you're the better educated person... Why does that matter? You don't have to be the bread winner. Move to Peru where you can raise your daughter. She will thank you for it, trust me.

[NinaD 6]

I agree it's much more rare for an American to want to move than it is for the foreign spouse. But why is that? Personally I think it's because they're taught that America is the best country ever and everyone should move here to be happy.

I agree, I think Americans really are taught that. Of course, this topic could be it's own thread!

Good luck to you OP. Hopefully it will work out for you guys. Maybe going to Peru will be awesome and you will get a job that will allow you to spend more time with your daughter. Plus, your husband is employed there, so if you both have income there you will be better off than struggling in the USA on your pay cheque alone.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I did it. We had originally intended to settle in the States, and were going through AOS, when we realised that we couldn't make it work over here. He was applying to law school and I was applying for an MFA, and while I got in everywhere, he didn't get a single offer. At the same time, he got a training contract with a Magic Circle firm in London which paid for his entire law school education plus a stipend. It was a no-brainer to move back and I did my Master's in Britain instead. For us, it would not have made sense to have one of us putting off our graduate education for the sake of another since we were in it together. I stayed 12 years over there.

You're in it as a team when you're married and you need to think as a team. Unless you're seriously compromising some aspect of your life that creates a situation you cannot live with, you need to think for the good of the team.

[Brian1967## 119]

What do you have to lose? Can you obtain a job in Peru, if you wanted to work? I mean you sit in a interesting spot. However OP if my ex had asked me to moved back with to Ukraine would I have done it, in a nutshell. Yes I would have for the simple reason, even though my wife did not love me (long story), I loved her I would have sold everything and moved. If you make the move I wish you all the best:)

[Steve & Rema 4]

I would make the move. I did not want to move to the States, but I did just to be with my husband. We have plans to return back to Canada in a few years God willing..

[Ihavequestions 419]

American citizens who move to their spouse's country are not unusual.

What have you got to lose if you go? A family unfriendly job, which is obviously not a good fit for you because you have a family, in a run down town. Why stay and put your family through that?

Try it. You might like it.

[MIDUVIL 34]

Like others said, I would go.

You have nothing to lose and a daughter to raise. It's hard I know.

I don't think that everybody wants to leave in US, some people they want a job, some to have their friends around them, some people their families... everybody is different.

you can also find a job, using maybe your bilingual skills, working online...

[Gosia & Tito 199]

I need some advice on what you all would do in this situation.

My husband and I met 4 years ago and married six months later in his home country of Peru. I was just able to get him here on a visa as I just got a job last year in the US and was able to sponsor him myself. Before I brought him here, I had been living in Peru with him to establish residency so I can file DCR and not be separated from my husband or be a single mom (we have a toddler).

It didn't take long for him to start complaining. Within months we were arguing on how he wanted to go home and how he wanted to work, and how he didn't want to be stuck in the house watching my daughter. In my spare time, I tried looking for jobs for him, but we were always rejected. The problem was that we live in a town that is run-down and does not have many jobs. I spoke with a recruiter in Atlanta ( a big Latino community) who told me that they could get him job, but I wasn't able to obtain a job there. He wanted to move there anyway but I barely made enough money to pay the bills and I couldn't imagine taking care of two households. Also, there would be nobody to care for our daughter as I work crazy hours at a non-family friendly business and he would not have enough money to pay for his own apartment in Atlanta.

Another problem we had is that we live in the country and he does not have a license. The driver's manual in GA is in English only with the test in Spanish. I tried to direct him to other states driver's manuals, but he told me they did not match the test. I tried to go over the driver's manual with him, but he just fell asleep.

Well, he finally found a job in Peru. We had argued enough before and I was tired of the begging, pleading and crying for him not to give me the two worst options of my life: be a single mom here (with no family and a crazy family unfriendly job) or send my daughter down to Peru with him where he has family. I let her go down with him as I didn't feel I could give her what she needed with my work schedule.

I would like to try to find a more family friendly job here in the US and bring my daughter back, but with my luck, that can take a while. He thinks I should move down there, but it scares me to put my future in his hands as I am the more educated and responsible one.

My questions to you all? Have any of you been put in a situation when you decided to move to the foreign person's home country for a more than temp basis. It wasn't the plan to move to his country until I retired, I thought everyone wanted to come to the US?

Also, what could I have done different to get him a job here? Please don't take this the wrong way, but I see many Latinos here (and I don't care their legal status) that are living here with their families. I always want to ask them where do they work? I also want to know how they are living as I said, I have to watch what I spend.

Unless you have some good reasons to follow thru in moving, I'd be dropping this guy without thinking it twice. He needs to man up and bring something to the table. It seems from what you relate that he's only complaining and expecting things to be arranged to his likeness. Getting a DL is fairly simple, even without going trhu the manual in detail, of course, this requires a minimum of willingness and intelligence, I would assume the later and question the former. Many Latins come to the country illegally and ake their way, he has what others would consider gold: a GC; wanting to work presumes you look for a job yourself and not handed down a job; even in the most remote and rundown town, there will always be something to do, even if that means running your own business, which could be buy/sell in ebay or make some handcrafted goods to sell via ebay. You don't get rich necesarily but get yourself busy and bring some money in; and what the hack was that about not wanting to watch over your kid when you are working??

People work in whatever they can or is available; at the beginning there is no standing to be picky. Once some experience and history is establish then you can move on to better positions.

As for learning English, there are self taught classes available online. I would advise against having your daughter out of the country; you might have problems getting her back.

If you are open and willing then move down there; but take a deep and good luck at the whole picture of living there in terms of raising family, establishing a long term home, job opportunities, schooling for both you and daughter, etc.

Seems to me that he's full of it and you should then send him home without your daughter. If he can find a job in Peru (which frankly I'd doubt exists, and if it does, check what are the $$ as I'm sure that would not even be close to what even a low wage here would provide), he can very well find one here.

Sorry to being harsh, but it from what you say, I think you are better alone than with this weight pulling you down.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

When you are used to living in the US, it's hard to pack up and move to some 3rd world country where you don't know or trust anybody. My wife is from Costa Rica and I would never even think about moving there. And I speak fluent Spanish. For me, it would be about more about my job (I work in financial services; what am I going to do in the 3rd world, work at a call center for 1/50 of my salary? "Dell customer service, how can I help you?" lol) than the quality of life.

Those of you who are advocates of her moving to Peru simply because he's too lazy to learn the language or look for a job (needs to learn the language first) have never been to the 3rd world. It's not pretty. As a foreigner, you are treated differently. I won't say racism, but it's pretty close. The wages suck so bad that you end up eating rice and beans at every meal. The infastructure in most places is horrendous. Crime and corruption in Latin America is out of control.

It's easy to say move when the country is Canada or UK.

Also, something to think about, as the previous poster already mentioned, is that once you give your husband permission to take custody of your daughter and he applies for legal custody in Peru, you will not be able to take her out of the country. There are very strict laws in Central and South America regarding one parent taking the kid out of the country without special paperwork. This is supposed to combat human trafficking, but it usually just makes problems for legit parents. You may need to think about hiring lawyers, going to multiple hearings (in Peru), and dealing with vast corruption (forced to pay bribes to get anything accomplished).

OP,

If you are highly educated, why can't you find a good paying job in a big city like Atlanta?

Edited July 13, 2013 by Eric-Pris

[jenni17 36]

I need some advice on what you all would do in this situation.

My husband and I met 4 years ago and married six months later in his home country of Peru. I was just able to get him here on a visa as I just got a job last year in the US and was able to sponsor him myself. Before I brought him here, I had been living in Peru with him to establish residency so I can file DCR and not be separated from my husband or be a single mom (we have a toddler).

It didn't take long for him to start complaining. Within months we were arguing on how he wanted to go home and how he wanted to work, and how he didn't want to be stuck in the house watching my daughter. In my spare time, I tried looking for jobs for him, but we were always rejected. The problem was that we live in a town that is run-down and does not have many jobs. I spoke with a recruiter in Atlanta ( a big Latino community) who told me that they could get him job, but I wasn't able to obtain a job there. He wanted to move there anyway but I barely made enough money to pay the bills and I couldn't imagine taking care of two households. Also, there would be nobody to care for our daughter as I work crazy hours at a non-family friendly business and he would not have enough money to pay for his own apartment in Atlanta.

Another problem we had is that we live in the country and he does not have a license. The driver's manual in GA is in English only with the test in Spanish. I tried to direct him to other states driver's manuals, but he told me they did not match the test. I tried to go over the driver's manual with him, but he just fell asleep.

Well, he finally found a job in Peru. We had argued enough before and I was tired of the begging, pleading and crying for him not to give me the two worst options of my life: be a single mom here (with no family and a crazy family unfriendly job) or send my daughter down to Peru with him where he has family. I let her go down with him as I didn't feel I could give her what she needed with my work schedule.

I would like to try to find a more family friendly job here in the US and bring my daughter back, but with my luck, that can take a while. He thinks I should move down there, but it scares me to put my future in his hands as I am the more educated and responsible one.

My questions to you all? Have any of you been put in a situation when you decided to move to the foreign person's home country for a more than temp basis. It wasn't the plan to move to his country until I retired, I thought everyone wanted to come to the US?

Also, what could I have done different to get him a job here? Please don't take this the wrong way, but I see many Latinos here (and I don't care their legal status) that are living here with their families. I always want to ask them where do they work? I also want to know how they are living as I said, I have to watch what I spend.

If I were in your situation, I would move. It doesn't have to be a permanent situation but the job market in Peru for candidates with higher education is much better than it is in the US. Companies will fight over well qualified applicants. My fiance is constantly being contacted by head hunters trying to get him to apply to competitors companies, the situation in the US is much tougher. Many recent college grads have a terrible time trying to find jobs. If your fiance has a job prospect in Peru and your job is not a "dream job" per say that you see yourself excelling at and staying at long term then I would go. You can easily find work in Peru, I lived with my fiance there for 2 years during which time I was studying and teaching english on a Fulbright grant, but I met many Americans who were teaching english employed directly by peruvian institutes and none of them had trouble finding positions. If English teaching isn't the route you want to go then I'm sure there are many other opportunities you could pursue. You could always re-evaluate the situation once the job market in the US improves or your fiance could study something down there to make him more marketable in the future in the US.

I personally loved my time in Peru and I miss it every day. I would have stayed down there if it weren't for the fact that my fiance has plans to apply for MBA programs once he gets here. We plan to re-evaluate once he's graduated as to weather we want to stay in the US or move back. But my priority will always be my family, I can't imagine being separated from him again and if he's not happy here then we will move back to Peru.

One thing I would consider though is your daughter's schooling in Peru. You say she's a toddler so I assume she hasn't started kindergarten yet but the education system in Peru is far from ideal. (Coming from someone who spent a year working at a Peruvian high school). You can find good schools however it requires ALOT of research to find ones that are reputable and will give your child a good education. Most private schools there are for profit. So you want to find one that is putting a good chunk of that profit back into the school for the children's benefit and not pocketing it. And since the peruvian public school system is quite dysfunctional you could end up paying quite a bit for a private education that is comparable to what public school children here receive.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat : ) I hope everything works out!