Another heartbreak

[TBoneTX 43,059]

Brother:

Here's another angle to consider.

If you're offered that job with the excellent compensation, take it. Throw yourself into it. Work extra hours.

Taking a good job and doing well in it will earn you money, raises, commendations, and appreciation. The money and raises will give you extra flexibility that you really could use. The commendations and appreciation will act as a salve to your understandably raw self-esteem. You'll also meet colleagues with whom you'll have the chance of developing friendships.

This will be good for you now and long-term, si man.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Only you can make this decision. My advice is take time...as much as you need to figure things out. Hubby and I went through something similar when we were first married. It broke my heart. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. He got defensive and tried to turn the blame to me. BUT, after talking....really talking, after things calmed down, he realized how much damage he had done to our relationship. How much he had hurt me. He knew that if I stayed...things would have to change and that it would take me a VERY long time to trust him again. Is our relationship the same as it was when we first fell in love? No....but I would say its stronger and deeper. So it changed for the better after time.

It was really hard to trust hubby. Really hard. He made things easier though by giving me all his passwords for email, and phone. He completely stopped chatting online (he went astray online) and never ever complained if I asked him what he was up to online.

I've heard a leopard doesn't change its spots, once a cheater always a cheater....but I don't think its true. We're all human, we all make mistakes. Some of those mistakes are huge. But depending on the person, you learn from those mistakes. I love hubby and I know he loves me...and I thought WE deserved the chance to survive it. This was 6 years ago and our marriage is strong. Could I come back here in a few years and say he's done it again? I suppose I could, but so could anyone.....

Good luck and I wish you strength for whatever decision you make because whatever you decide it will be hard work.

[888888 2]

AWESOME insight on his question! I was able to learn from that . Been there , done that (been cheated on )- had the emotional , spiritual, mental ( and affected financially) "break down." It took years to "get over it ," and it still hurts . It hurts even more so since I have a child from him and he is not involved ( reinforces that I made the right decision when I finally stepped away from the relationship!)

I am sorry, I do not know the legalities of the position/options that you have. I do know the pain that you feel though . Believe it or not , my story is worse- and I made it through. I went through that storm, many times- but I made it through. You can too! Dig deep into what is RIGHT! I had to eventually separate myself from the situation as much as possible. No contact (change my number / email ) and try not to look at the nonsense they posted on the computer. In my mind and heart things replayed over and over again.

My concern for you is that it seems as though you truly love her, but let me state this comment...........this is not her first "offense," and I doubt will be the last unless she has truly changed and knows what respect and commitment is. If she love or at LEAST respected you, this would not be happening .What if you are apart again for a period of time, is she justified to cheat because she "needed to get some?" It's called sacrificing for the better cause.

NO man is worthy of me cheating on the person I am with. It is not easy going through this process of the K1- the not knowing and having the government in control of so many things dealing with my relationship. There is no way I would sacrifice what this man means to me and my children by giving into a few moments of *(#$#).

God bless you and I hope for the best.

[888888 2]

Brother:

Here's another angle to consider.

If you're offered that job with the excellent compensation, take it. Throw yourself into it. Work extra hours.

Taking a good job and doing well in it will earn you money, raises, commendations, and appreciation. The money and raises will give you extra flexibility that you really could use. The commendations and appreciation will act as a salve to your understandably raw self-esteem. You'll also meet colleagues with whom you'll have the chance of developing friendships.

This will be good for you now and long-term, si man.

awesome suggestion! I have thrown myself into work and my children - makes the days go by a little quicker and gives you something to focus on right about now !

[M+P4eva 0]

I'm very sorry for your situation. I hope your wife feels regret and remorse and wants to work things out. If both of you still love each other and want your relationship to work this might be worth saving. I also dont believe once a cheater always a cheater. When me and my now fiance got together for the first time (we got together after i left US, we were friends before that), i myself drunkenly kissed another guy, felt terribly scared and regretful, confessed immediately, and it took us a few days to figure it out. When he finally flew in to meet me and we were couple-y together for the first time all our insecurities melted away finally which had led us to say or in my case do stupid things, and we've been stronger than ever. While previously, before this incident even we both had a lot of trust issues with each other and us hanging out with members of the opposite sex, now after all the talking, meetings, by the time he proposed we'd not even blink an eye at these things and make jokes of our prior paranoid behaviour. But as someone else mentioned on the thread, we were completely honest with each other, we discussed and analyzed why anything remotely inappropriate happened and what was the root cause of it, always kept the other person updated on where we were after work and who we were hanging out with , were open to sharing email accounts etc.

i know this is slightly different from your situation, you guys had already made a 100% commitment to each other, and a full blown affair of some you're married to, the long term lies, is just too much to deal with but my point is, you were in a long distance, you have a chance to start anew now that you guys are together in a country you both like, and you also have a chance at a good job to keep yourself occupied for a while. In a inter-country long distance a lot of stability is lost which damages a relationship and makes people needy at times. I dont know how it'll play out from a legal point of view but please dont make any rash decisions. Calm down, and try talking to your wife, if she doesnt sound like she genuinely cares or is desperate to try to win you and your trust back, then you know its not even worth it.

I hope you get good advise related to your visa/residantship here also rather than just personal comments.

Edited January 11, 2013 by M+P4eva

[bigdog 376]

I can feel your pain and I'm sorry you guys are messed up in this situation.

I pray you come up with the right decision.

God bless you.

:thumbs:

[InHisTime 110]

Brother:

Here's another angle to consider.

If you're offered that job with the excellent compensation, take it. Throw yourself into it. Work extra hours.

Taking a good job and doing well in it will earn you money, raises, commendations, and appreciation. The money and raises will give you extra flexibility that you really could use. The commendations and appreciation will act as a salve to your understandably raw self-esteem. You'll also meet colleagues with whom you'll have the chance of developing friendships.

This will be good for you now and long-term, si man.

This is a good advice. :thumbs:

So sorry that you are going through this. All I can share with you....Once TRUST is broken, it's hard to bring back. She should be remorse of what she did, instead of blaming it to you. She should ask forgiveness and demonstrate change for the better. Cheaters normally don't take responsibility of their actions.

Honesty is important in relationship. I hope your wife would realize her fault, ask forgiveness, and be strong not to do it again.

I hope and pray that God will guide and bless you in whatever decision you make. Be strong and love yourself. This thing shall pass. God won't give you trials that you cannot handle. God bless you.

Edited January 11, 2013 by InHisTime

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Maybe this will be helpful, maybe it won't. Years ago, when I was dating my first husband I discovered he had put ads on dating sites about 6 months into our relationship. I had been suspicious for some other reasons and had checked. I'm sure that he had cheated at some point before that and our relationship was really just a steaming pile of #######. I thought I loved him, I really did and I thought he loved me. Our relationship was rocky after that and pretty horrible. We ended up getting married when I was 20 and retrospectively I can say that I liked the thought of marrying him more than I actually liked him. I liked the thought of being with the rich trust fund brat who had an upbringing very similar to my own more than I liked him as a person. I stayed with him to save face and because I've always thought of myself as not being a quitter. I talked to the girls he cheated with, who he didn't bother to mention to that he was in a relationship, engaged, or married. His current girlfriend knows that he is divorced but doesn't know he has a 4 year old daughter. Once a cheater, scammer, and liar always one. What a waste of 3,5 years of my life.

It has been 4,5 years now that we've been divorced and I can't tell you the difference between a relationship like that and a healthy one. We've been through a lot in the time since we've been together, just the last 6 months has been moving countries and deciding to move again, the death of my father, immense drama with my daughter's school, and a painful miscarriage. There has never been drama or either of us looking twice at another person, even with sex being absolutely horrible for me with his size or when I was alone without him in America trying to handle my dad dying (trust me I could have used some in person emotional support then). I think when two people do really love and care for each other and throw themselves full on into making each other happy, cheating doesn't happen. I just can't imagine not being completely and utterly devoted to him, which I am. Even doing the slightest thing that makes him sad would break my heart over and over again. I know he feels the same way. I know he wouldn't stay if I cheated and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't if he did. I know it would mean that he didn't love me with his whole heart any more. Anyone that could purposely hurt someone like that isn't deserving of their love either.

Immigration-wise you might be in a bit of a sticky pickle. I think you know that one of the options is going back and the other is "trying to make it work for some period of time." That is something you are going to have to decide based on your own pride and ethics.

A person who loves you, respects you, and wants to make you happy doesn't cheat. They just don't.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Nola123

[lynndy38 64]

I just wanted to leave you my very best wishes.

My first husband cheated on me and a month later I discovered I was pregnant so I felt I HAD to make a go at my marriage but I never got over it we finally split when my son was 9 years old. I do however think you could make it through but now is not the time to be making rash decisions. You'll go through a whole array of emotions(hurt,anger ect) but then will hopefully be ready to make a decision on where you want the relationship to be.

You have done nothing wrong, please share with your family and friends,let them support you.Think about marriage guidence therapy but ultimately it has to be what you feel you can live with.I can promise you, you WILL come through this the pain does ease with time and time my friend takes.......time.

[Stellula 1]

I am sorry that this happened to you. In all honesty, only you can decide what you want to do. Personally I would have a hard time getting over something like this, but hey, that's the way it ALWAYS feels when one is deeply hurt and sounds like you are.

The one thing I would tell you though is to take that job if it comes through - that would be one step towards building your finances back again. Whether you want to work on your relationship or not will depend on you and you alone, however, I am sure you will agree that moving away and starting all over again is easier done when you have the money and the way to have the money is to take that job.

Yes it will be hard to live in the same town/city with her.....but only for a while. Pain is temporary. It will pass. Good luck in your decision. Stay strong.

[Matt/Jocelyn 1]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Your situation is the very reason that I made the decision to never get involved with an American woman. Some are good, but most are selfish and self-centered. Good luck.

[nurse1967 287]

Did I really just read something about ####### size?? SMH...anyway to the OP, I am sorry for what happened to you. I know you have feelings for her but think about it long and hard. Take the job, work hard, take some time for yourself and when the fog clears you will be able to make a logical decision not based on your emotions. Take care and God bless.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Your situation is the very reason that I made the decision to never get involved with an American woman. Some are good, but most are selfish and self-centered. Good luck.

Oh shush you, there are plenty of stories of this happening with non-Americans on here.

Did I really just read something about ####### size?? SMH...anyway to the OP, I am sorry for what happened to you. I know you have feelings for her but think about it long and hard. Take the job, work hard, take some time for yourself and when the fog clears you will be able to make a logical decision not based on your emotions. Take care and God bless.

Well I didn't say it quite like that, but yah, well it is too late to edit.

[Dumb/Dumber 61]

First off. I never in a million years thought I'd be posting a topic in this part of the forum.

But I guess bad things can happen to anyone. I need help figuring out what to do, and I need this forum to vent and get some advice.

I am an active member on this forum, and I apologize that I’m not posting under my regular username, but quite frankly, I’m too embarrassed and humiliated to. I’ve made many great friends on this forum, some I’ve even met in person. Most of you would recognize me if I posted under my regular username, and many of you will likely figure out who I am from the timelines of this post. But for right now, I want to remain anonymous, and I hope that you all will all respect that. You can PM me if you know who I am.

I apologize in advance if this post becomes repetitive or incoherent. I just need to vent..

Here's the gist of what has happened..

We met 4 years ago, began dating 3.5 years ago. We're 2 months short of our 2 year wedding anniversary. We got married in the US, but did not file for AOS. Instead, she came with me back to my country and stayed. After 10 months, we finally decided that overall, it would be best if we settled in the US. This decision was based on her not speaking the language, me speaking fluent English. Her knowing nothing about my country’s lifestyle, while I had my entire education in the US. And quite frankly, she didn’t like my country, I love this country. We met while I was on an F-1, and got married after I graduated. While we were still young, the decision to get married was taken in part due to her family being skeptical of us living together without being married, in part due to us both knowing that we wouldn't be able to live together, neither in my country nor the US unless we were married, and most of all, because we knew we wanted to spend our lives together. We filed the I-130 11 months after our wedding. (She was "living" in my country as a tourist) - And when we finally decided on a country to file in, she was on her 80th day of 90 allowed in my country. She went back to the US and filed the I-130 immediately. Since then, I visited her on the VWP a couple of times, and she visited me once.

10 months after initial filing, I finally arrived in the US on a CR-1 visa 6 weeks ago.

The distance killed us. It was tough. It was hard. Even though we were lucky enough to see each other for a few weeks with 3 month intervals, it was excruciating. Most members here know what I'm talking about. However, we made it work.

Anyway. I arrived here 6 weeks ago. Things were great. Aside from the normal issues like not knowing anyone here, and having to start from scratch with a job, things were great. I loved it here (still do to an extent). Until this week. I found something I shouldn't have.....

In a nut shell. She had an affair.

Sigh.. It makes me sick to my stomach to even talk about this. I already knew of an "incident" a few years ago where she admitted that she had previously kissed another guy, felt horrible and came clean to me. We fought about it, made up, and forgot about it. This time, it's way more serious. I confronted her about what I found. She got stumped, and she basically said "Does it really matter now?" and literally said "If I confirm this.. What are you going to do?" - I immediately yelled "You just did confirm it!" and broke down. Her first reaction was to apologize while I was crying. When I got mad, her reaction turned defensive arguing that it was only because of the distance, and it wouldn't have happened if I was here. She also tried to blame me for it, because I hadn't done enough sweet things for her during the time apart, and this guy did. Hello!!! You MARRIED ME!!! I must have done something right! This happened during the summer, before she came on a vacation with me and my family. I haven't probed too much into it, I can't for my own sanity's sake, and she keeps telling me "don't ask, it'll only make it worse" but I know enough to know that this wasn't a one time thing either. It was a fling. She has assured me that she doesn't speak to the guy anymore, and that he does not even live in this city. Apparently, this guy was a temporary "step-in" for me. But here's another shocker. The guy, as I came to find out, is married also.

She slept at a coworker's house last night. I've gotten about 6 hours worth of sleep in the last couple of nights combined. I made her breakfast this morning and went to her work to give it to her.. It was slightly awkward, we didn't really speak. I have no idea what to do really..

I love her. I love her to death. I'd take a bullet for this woman. I brought her into my family. I was warmly welcomed into hers. I can't even imagine what her mother would do if she found out. I don't want anyone to find out. This is just so humiliating, embarrassing and painful. I want to work things out, but I just don't trust her. I have no idea if this was a one time thing, or if it has happened before too during other times of separation. There is no reason for me to believe that it hasn't happened before, other than her word. Which I don't trust one bit. And that’s my problem. I love her enough to forgive a mistake. I love her enough to forgive practically anything. But I also love her enough that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And that scares me, because that is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

This is an extremely difficult situation. I love her so much, and I meant what I said when I told her "I do." This is fairly fresh in my head, and not something I was mentally prepared for at all. I still have to pinch myself in the arm to remember that this is real. That it isn't a nightmare.

I have no money. While I at least have a job here (I started working part-time recently), it isn't a great income. All my financial resources have been spent on this process, moving, and on visits and vacations during the process. I even paid the deposit and rent on her old apartment which I never got to live in.. But that she apparently had a guy visit quite frequently.. I feel like barfing just at the mere thought of this. Seriously, I feel physically ill. I quit my job back home back in August, thinking the interview was at most a month away (turned out to be 3 months away and another month to receive the visa). I have nowhere to go. I don't know anyone in this state, other than my wife and our roommate. I can't face my parents. I can't even face my friends. I struggle to look at her even. In essence, I have nothing for me here, except a wife who.. Yea.. I have nothing to go back to in my country either, except my parents' house.

So far I've only told one member on here in private, and one of my good friends from college back on the west coast. He has offered me a place to at least sleep - But that's thousands of miles away, on the west coast.

I'm really not in a position to be thinking about immigration related matters right now. At this point I don't want to stay. At least not in this city/state. But I know that if I leave, it's over for good. And I'm not ready to make that decision at this time. I want to be firm. But I’m not thinking rationally now. I don’t want to make huge mistakes while I’m in a state of shock. To top this off, I had a job interview last week for a very good job here in this city, full-time and with excellent compensation. They called me back yesterday and I had no idea what to really say to them. One of the things they pushed me on was longevity. “We want to make sure you’re not going to quit anytime soon.” – To which my response was “I’m not going anywhere.” Luckily, I’m only hired on the condition of passing a background check – which I find out the result of in a week or so.. Gives me more time to think..

For now, my options are these:

1. Stay here, try to work things out. (Not sure if I can, though I want to)

2. Stay here, separate, see where time and distance takes me/us. (Not sure if I can stay here without her. This place is tainted to me)

3. Leave, crash at a friend's/aunt's/cousin's house in a different state and see where time and distance takes me/us.

4. Leave, go back home.

If I went home, got a divorce and abandoned my green card, how difficult would it be to come back to visit or for graduate school?

If I chose to stay and work things out, how difficult would it be to file a joint I-751 with a period of separation in the middle?

If I chose to stay in the country, and get a divorce, how difficult would it be to file an I-751 divorce waiver?

I'm shaking right now.. Can't believe I'm posting this..

First of all, let me say that I would never have affair because I do not believe in having your cake and eat it too. If I met someone else I wanted to be with, I would have broken it off with you. But not everyone is the same. I believe you should forgive and forget this and start over from day one right here and right now if you love this girl. Long distance relationships are hard, extremely hard. You two stuck it out and you made it to the finish line. I can tell you this. I was separated for a year from my boyfriend when I was 17 years old and I did date other guys, but all I did was talk about him. I missed him so much I could not stand it. When he found out about the other guys, he never felt the same about me. I was a virgin when I got married so it was not that kind of betrayal, but it still hurt him. If he could have found it in his heart to forgive me, life may have turned out different. If she loves you, forgive her.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Dumb/Dumber

[Villanelle 4,121]

Guys- while I agree with the advice of the the job and take as much time as you need, you do realize because of the fact that he has a conditional GC there are other factors to his his decision.

If he takes the job. Yeah that would be good for him. But that would mean he would have to either live in the same residence as his spouse to maintain his bonafide marriage for ROC- which emotionally he is finding difficult. OR he has to move out to a new residence in the area which would kill his proof of ROC. Hes already stated he feels if he moves out permanently rather then just stepping away for a while the marriage is over.

So while he needs to take time and sort things out where he does this matters. If he permanently separates residences from a ROC standpoint its over.

Submitting a ROC application with a divorce waiver is different from most USCIS applications. There is no 'checklist' of required evidence to show you had a bonafide marriage. Its up to their discretion on whether or not you met the burden of proof. You have to show you entered the marriage in good faith and not for the purpose of obtaining a GC and that you divorced afterwards because the marriage didnt work out, not because you got to the US and have your GC now and have no use for your spouse.

So the OP would need to have his divorce (if he chose that route) granted on the grounds of adultery. His spouse may be reluctant to have it issued that way because its embarrassing. He may have to fight her for it. I would hope he has some sort of proof of it. The same proof he confronted her with that started this thread. He would also need proof of their relationship. Anything he has showing they co-mingled finances and assests during their marriage, proof that theyve cohabitated during their marriage whether its been here or abroad and copies of leases or statements from landlords stating they live together.

Because hes only been in the US a short time he most likely is not going to be approved for ROC if he submits it with a waiver with out an interview. But that doesnt mean hes not going to be approved, it just means he doesnt have tons of overwhelming evidence and theyll call him in for a face to face. Of course I would hope and it doesnt seem the OP is making any decision on 'should I save my marriage or file for ROC' based on whether or not he'll retain his GC, but rather inquiring on the future outcomes and what to expect to not have any surprises.

So I would repeat, filing that way, you most likely will have to go for an interview, with enough supporting evidence you should be approved but there are no guarantees. Theres a chance you could be denied for ROC,even with the divorce granted on adultery. (If you choose to file for divorce and ROC do as much research as you can in the ROC thread) If it is denied youd still be able to return to the US on visitors visas or on student visas which are easy to obtain.