Precipitous Marriage?

[Germanimmigrant 12]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

[paojack 41]

I agree. I dated my now husband for 2.5 years before we got engaged, which I think it was a little long considering we were in a long distance relationship and was not so easy... but I would NEVER have gotten married after 3 months of meeting him, that's way too fast! I have heard a lot of stories about americans proposing and getting married after 3 months which I think is crazy, I honestly don't think you get to know a person in 3 months. Anyways, everyone has their own reasons I guess...

[nickbits 43]

I don't understand people either. My wife and I dated for 7 years before we got married.

[Alex & Rachel 78]

To sound horribly cliche... sometimes you just know.

There's also an awful lot you can deduce in only a few short weeks! Conversely, you could date for years and, if you don't communicate well, not know that much about each other.

Also, if you are determined, you work really hard through the first few years of marriage, and grow together.

Now, I married more than two years after first meeting my husband (and after four years of talking to him online). But really, we knew after just a few days of being together that we'd end up married.

I have an aunt who married after two weeks... five children and more than twenty years later she is still happily married.

My parents had a typical 6 month courtship and 2 1/2 year engagement... their marriage has been miserable from the start, and they are finally separating.

[nickbits 43]

My parents got married after 3 months. They are miserable together and should have divorced long ago.

[Alex & Rachel 78]

Point is, every case is unique and different.

[DasBoot 7]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

Cultural norms can also be an issue, and western cultural norms are not always universally accepted. In many countries people's marriages are arranged by their parents, and even when they are not, a short courtship is the norm. It's considered immoral to "date" someone before marriage. Many people from India for example get married after meeting their future spouse only once. Many of these people have a long and healthy marriage, so who am I to judge? IMHO what happens after marriage is more important than what happens before anyway.

Also, let me ask you a question. You dated your spouse for more than a year before getting married right? Was there a light bulb that went off in your head that made you realize that you loved your spouse and wanted to get married? Did that light bulb go off exactly 1 year into the relationship, but not before? I don't want to speak for you, but I would guess that you knew in your heart that you wanted to marry your spouse long before you actually officially went through with it.

[nickbits 43]

Point is, every case is unique and different.

I "knew" after a month but I don't see how anyone could think that would be a good idea. Kind of like how some people spend lottery winnings before they receive any money. Just irresponsible and foolish IMHO.

Edited November 8, 2011 by nickbits

[Joandjo 20]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

I think it's a good thing to ask questions. But when I'm comparing myself, my situation to others and making a judgement call like the marriage is for immigration purposes is judgemental and NOT based on any evidence that can be weighed here.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

I would like to extend your question and make Part B of it:

How and why is it that somebody who lives in a country of over 310,000,000 people is looking for a spouse in a foreign country? Please don't use the "I like Thai women" or "I like Russian women" argument, as we have plenty of those in the U.S. already.

Second part of my Part B: why would somebody marry someone they have only met once or twice, total? I, too, have dated my wife for over 2 years before we got engaged. It took us another year 'til I proposed, and then another year 'til we got married. This time was really necessary to learn what we both would be like in normal situations, stress situations, and when we have a really bad day. It's all part of the package one needs to accept when committing to stay together 'til death takes 'em apart.

I can't conceive doing this mail order bride thing. But I'm willing to learn, and I'm listening.

[Anh map 2,098]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

It's similar to asking a person to prove that their version of God exists. We are all entitle to our our own opinions and free to make our own choices (impulsive or exhaustively researched). What you, me, or anyone else thinks about another's reason for marrying doesn't matter.

[beejay 123]

I agree with Alex & Rachel every situation is unique and sometimes you just know.

A long courtship can be just as suspicious as a short courtship to a CO, maybe they were friends who decided to get married to help the other one stay in/move to the US.

There is not set formula that proves a relationship is legit because people are individuals and each relationship is different. Thankfully the USCIS knows that and judges on a case by case basis.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

i dont care what anyone else does... i dont think about there reasons... i dont question them... all i care about is that jenni and i are happy and our relationship is strong.

[Petersburg 5]

Dating 3-5-7-10 years - if there is no marriage, then why are guys wasting each other times? Then what - date the next person for the same period of time?

My opinion (which of course maybe wrong) - the person should know after 6 month, maxiumum 1 year of dating if this is the one for marriage or not. It"s unfortunate that INS requires a marriage with K-1 within 90 days of entry; I personally think K-1 should allow 6 month of stay - even tourist have more time on hand and processing time takes longer than 6 month!!

[Kinito_2k3 5]

It's similar to asking a person to prove that their version of God exists. We are all entitle to our our own opinions and free to make our own choices (impulsive or exhaustively researched). What you, me, or anyone else thinks about another's reason for marrying doesn't matter.

That is not what the OP challenges, no reason to be a d**k about it. We all understand your point, the OP was seeking something else than being told the obvious. IMHO.