In-Laws coming to visit after baby is born

[Kayleigh+Kyle 0]

I'm hoping someone on here has gone through an experience like what I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm the USC, and I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our (and my) first child. DH's family lives in Western Canada, and we see his parents about once a year. I'm due January 5th, and his parents are coming to stay with us in our <1000 sq ft apartment on January 15th for 2 weeks. I'm of course happy that they're coming to visit us and to see their grandson (their first grandchild). However, I'm less than pleased that DH extended them an invitation to stay with us in our apartment. Under normal circumstances, I would be okay with it. However, DH will be working both weeks while they are here, and I'm not fond of the thought of them being here all day every day with me. I am going to be attempting to breastfeed our son, and quite frankly, I'm not comfortable enough around either of them to be doing that while sitting in the same room with them. Also, I'm a very independent person, and I very much want to do as much caregiving as I possibly can in the mere six weeks I get with our child before I have to go back to my job, but I feel like I will be pressured into letting my MIL do things.

DH and I have had a few fights about this situation. He tried to convince my MIL that sleeping on an air mattress and having a baby that will wake at all hours of the night to be fed is not a good way to spend their vacation, but she apparently doesn't care. I'm also very frustrated that they aren't staying at a hotel because DH and I had two free flights that we were unable to use before they expired, so we gave them to his parents so they didn't have to pay to come here (they were already planning on coming, so it was not what persuaded them to visit). They are planning on getting a rental car, but I highly doubt they'll be going anywhere seeing as it will be the middle of January and there isn't much to do.

I'm hoping that someone else has experienced something similar and how you coped. I just feel like I'm going to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and like my every action as a mother will be scrutinized. I also don't feel like it's fair for me to have to play hostess when I should be spending that time to bond with the baby. Can anyone offer up suggestions or share any sort of story they had in a similar situation?

[TBoneTX 43,334]

Gain every iota of knowledge that you can from them, and ignore the rest, si man.

Mrs. T-B.'s mother got here from Ecuador a few hours after we had brought then-2-day-old Mini-Bone home from the hospital. (He's now 9.5 months old.)

Yes, there were semi-lectures on rear-childing and baby care, but it was amidst invaluable assistance.

Especially if your hubby will be largely out of the apartment, you will need all available support. This cannot be emphasized enough, no man. It will also be invaluable to have folks available to run to the store for the inevitably needed baby-supplies, si man.

You'll be exhausted beyond anything that you've ever experienced or comprehended, and Baby will want to eat every two hours. You'll get zero sleep. Drape a thin blanket over yourself for coverage when Baby eats.

There is no substitute for experience, and Grandma has it. Furthermore, there's a bond between grandmothers and grandchildren that's wondrous, and otherwise impossible to describe. You need to see this for yourself, as I have with both of Mini-Bone's grandmothers. As a man of words, I'm at a loss for them when it comes to trying to describe that bond.

I predict that you'll be more grateful for their presence than you ever thought you'd be, and that you'll be sorry to see them leave, si man.

Let us know.

Edited November 8, 2011 by TBoneTX

[MalaysianGirl 26]

Gain every iota of knowledge that you can from them, and ignore the rest, si man.

Mrs. T-B.'s mother got here from Ecuador a few hours after we had brought then-2-day-old Mini-Bone home from the hospital. (He's now 9.5 months old.)

Yes, there were semi-lectures on rear-childing and baby care, but it was amidst invaluable assistance.

Especially if your hubby will be largely out of the apartment, you will need all available support. This cannot be emphasized enough, no man. It will also be invaluable to have folks available to run to the store for the inevitably needed baby-supplies, si man.

You'll be exhausted beyond anything that you've ever experienced or comprehended, and Baby will want to eat every two hours. You'll get zero sleep. Drape a thin blanket over yourself for coverage when Baby eats.

There is no substitute for experience, and Grandma has it. Furthermore, there's a bond between grandmothers and grandchildren that's wondrous, and otherwise impossible to describe. You need to see this for yourself, as I have with both of Mini-Bone's grandmothers. As a man of words, I'm at a loss for them when it comes to trying to describe that bond.

I predict that you'll be more grateful for their presence than you ever thought you'd be, and that you'll be sorry to see them leave, si man.

Let us know.

Love your reply, TBone. :thumbs:

Especially how you name your child I hope Mrs T-B and Mini-Bone are doing great!

[Ontarkie 13,937]

I would ask your husband to gently remind your parents just hard it will be for you at first and how you plan to breastfeed. That way they know ahead of time. As a new mom you will get plenty of parenting advice from everyone including stranger in the stores, just do what you want and ignore the rest.

As for your tiny apartment don't worry it won't be so bad, I had my parents come down to visit for 2 weeks. They arrived the day we got home. 9 ppl in our house (we have 4 older kids) plus visitors and our dogs and cats. Trust me it was a mad house, but I got to rest and relax with all the extra help. I wished they could of stayed longer.

If your son comes early/late or on time you still have a little time before your in-laws show up so hopefully you get into a routine. Good luck and try not to stress about it.

[Alex & Rachel 78]

I don't have any real advice, but I did wish to offer my sympathy! I can completely understand you not being comfortable around in-laws you rarely see.

My mother is coming to live with us for a month when the baby's born, but she's MY mother and I feel very comfortable around her! And my in-laws will probably be on hand, too, but I see them every week and am as close to them as my own parents. But your post does serve as a reminder that things might not be so easy for my husband, who only sees my parents once a year.

[beejay 123]

I think it is a little different situation because these aren't your parents. I can understand how frustrated and overwhelmed it is making you feel. I can only assume their intention is to help and that they are assuming you will appreciate the help and maybe that is why they are not taking the hints of your husband. I would focus on that and ask yourself is it worth the potential hurt feelings (that could take a while to fix) if you bring it up directly? Are these people that have boundary issues or are they usually pretty respectful? I would take that into consideration too.

It sounds like you will have 2 weeks after the baby is born before they come to visit. Can you tell yourself not to worry about it until then? Maybe you will feel differently at that time. Also perhaps there is a compromise, 1 week your place, 1 week hotel. Whatever you do though, I would make it clear that you are absolutely thrilled they want to spend time with their grand baby but that you want to keep the stress from hosting to a minimum.

If they do end up staying maybe the purchase of a tri-fold room divider or something like that could help with the privacy issues while you are breast feeding.

I hope this gets worked out and congratulations!

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

Kayleigh,

I'm with you here. My wife and I and "our" 21-year-old live in our small anno 2+2 1938 Midtown home. As with all homes of the period, the rooms are small, the kitchen is too small, and it's barely okay the way it is. Thankfully, the daughter is in college plus working plus having a boyfriend, so it's mostly just my wife and I.

When we have guests, it's really cozy. With few exceptions, mainly if somebody had too much to drink to drive home, and accepts to sleep on the couch, there's no room for guests. When we have family visiting, they are staying in a nearby Motel, and that works best for everyone. I would suggest you consider the same for your in-laws. Let them sleep in a Motel and come over after breakfast.

[nejma 3]

As a first time mom who did this earlier this year (had in-laws over soon after birth of baby). It was probably the darkest time of my life. My in-laws are great, don't get me wrong. But when you're postpartum and hormonal and as you said, you'll be feeling inexperienced, awkward and like everything you do will be scrutinized - it's just not an ideal situation so soon after the baby. Is there any way to delay them coming until after your maternity leave is done? Then they can spend time with their grandbaby and that's 2 less weeks of childcare you have to worry about.

[nejma 3]

I also sent you a long PM. I have a lot of advice on this topic..lol.

[Golden Gate 530]

Ha ha. Brings back memories. My parents came about 2 weeks after my daughter was born. Then my brother also came, and my sister. Fortunately, they stayed somewhere else, but my Dad was particularly impatient: yelling at me when the baby was crying, and rushing us around. It seemed like they wanted to make most of their vacation to San Francisco, so I didn't get a lot of rest - mostly running around. Then my mom told my two-week old daughter to forgive me, because I don't know what I am doing. That was a lovely time. Glad to see it end.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm hoping someone on here has gone through an experience like what I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm the USC, and I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our (and my) first child. DH's family lives in Western Canada, and we see his parents about once a year. I'm due January 5th, and his parents are coming to stay with us in our <1000 sq ft apartment on January 15th for 2 weeks. I'm of course happy that they're coming to visit us and to see their grandson (their first grandchild). However, I'm less than pleased that DH extended them an invitation to stay with us in our apartment. Under normal circumstances, I would be okay with it. However, DH will be working both weeks while they are here, and I'm not fond of the thought of them being here all day every day with me. I am going to be attempting to breastfeed our son, and quite frankly, I'm not comfortable enough around either of them to be doing that while sitting in the same room with them. Also, I'm a very independent person, and I very much want to do as much caregiving as I possibly can in the mere six weeks I get with our child before I have to go back to my job, but I feel like I will be pressured into letting my MIL do things.

DH and I have had a few fights about this situation. He tried to convince my MIL that sleeping on an air mattress and having a baby that will wake at all hours of the night to be fed is not a good way to spend their vacation, but she apparently doesn't care. I'm also very frustrated that they aren't staying at a hotel because DH and I had two free flights that we were unable to use before they expired, so we gave them to his parents so they didn't have to pay to come here (they were already planning on coming, so it was not what persuaded them to visit). They are planning on getting a rental car, but I highly doubt they'll be going anywhere seeing as it will be the middle of January and there isn't much to do.

I'm hoping that someone else has experienced something similar and how you coped. I just feel like I'm going to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and like my every action as a mother will be scrutinized. I also don't feel like it's fair for me to have to play hostess when I should be spending that time to bond with the baby. Can anyone offer up suggestions or share any sort of story they had in a similar situation?

Honestly if you're not comfortable with it, book them a hotel. I too couldn't stand the idea if my MIL decided to stay to "help out"... mostly because she's a narcissist who we haven't spoken to in 18 months, but also because I don't think she was a good parent at all and with her around and me stressed out I'm sure I'd forget to be "gentle".

There is a website called motherinlawstories.com and some of the stories are truly horrible BUT there's a lot of things to be learnt. Several deal with this type of situation and the answer is always the same... they're HIS parents so he has to deal with them but he also needs to stand by your side, not theirs. HE needs to tell them that you and he (as a couple, not dumping it all on you) have decided that as this is the first child you want time to bond and start getting into a routine.. That the more he thought about having guests in the small house with a new baby was a bad idea. That he's booked them a hotel room to sleep in. And he CAN'T take no for an answer. The problem with this is it can mean they'd say "####### it we're not coming". But... if you don't start setting ground rules now they'll continue to walk over you (that's what this is).

I have a friend coming to visit and though we live in a 2 br house we have a friend staying already (who lost his house). I suggested to the friend that she might want to stay in a hotel (when actually I would prefer the guy go and she stay) but she said that she was coming to see me, that was the only reason she was coming and she wasn't staying in a hotel. I'm sure, like me, if you were faced with this ultimatum without a new baby to worry about then you'd just let it go. But your hormones are (and still slightly will be) out of whack. You will feel tired from lack of sleep, you'll be irritable and you'll just want your house to yourselves.. Have him explain to them that this visit they can't stay in the house.

No-one can make you do what you don't want to do. They either go by your rules or they don't come. Easier said than done I know :S

[TBoneTX 43,334]

It will be interesting indeed to hear back from you as to which poster above was most "on the mark," si man.

[Golden Gate 530]

I agree with Vanessa. When you are pregnant, that little baby is just yours for 9 months. So, when he/she is born, there is a transition just from the separation of that baby from your body. Every day, he/she is changing and you want to focus on all these little details - the facial expressions, the behavior, your rest and feeding schedule. You are getting to know your little baby and establishing patterns.

So, if the people who come are willing to respect your need to bond with your child, letting you have your space with your baby, and are there to help with other things, that is super. But if they try to get between you and your baby, I think it is important to get them a hotel, and they can visit with you when you are up to it - because you will need time to adjust and be by yourself. Your mother in law is a mom, so she should be able to relate, but maybe she forgot after all this time. You know, better than us, what they are like. What needs to be clear is that it isn't your job to be hostess right then. These things can be made clear without sounding offensive - they just need to be stated matter of factly.

I was so glad that at least I had two weeks for just me and the baby. Who cares about the house at that point??? It isn't a priority. Really, there isn't much for other people to do, besides maybe get you some food from the store, if you can't manage that. It isn't hard to take care of a baby at that point - they eat on demand, they sleep and they poop, and those things aren't too difficult to manage as a mom. I did all these things by myself. It was just me and the baby. There wasn't even the Dad there.

It is a very sensitive time for the mom, which only a mom can truly understand. Think about yourself first, because, believe me, you will be emotional and feeling very exposed. But your husband should handle that with his parents. He should book them a hotel and give them a map of the city and things to do (they can go shopping for baby clothes . Just set aside a certain time for them to enjoy the baby. He should be giving the attention to them and help keep them occupied. He needs to take the initiative here and be the Papa Bear, protecting his Mama and Baby Bear.

Also, see if you can find this lullaby cd with a heartbeat in the background - it is so soothing and will help both you and the baby relax.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Golden Gate

[Krikit 1,163]

I can understand your concern. What about a happy medium? After two weeks with a new baby you're going to be exhausted. That's when a mother/mother-in-law comes in really handy because they'll help out with night feedings and household chores. (It's good to get the baby to take a bottle once in a while.) Let them stay with you for a portion of the vacation.... on weekends or whenever your husband is around or whatever..... and have them stay in a hotel during the rest of the time. Be honest with them. You'll be surprised how understanding people can be.

[Darnell 8,478]

When/If you need privacy, put the parents in the bathroom.