Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[In a tizzy 7]

Dear VJ

SIGH, where do I begin? This man I thought I knew now is showing the "tell tale" signs of Arab male Islamic supremacy. It's so gut-wrenching. October 30 is his interview. We've come this far to call it quits. We've met twice for a total of 7 weeks in 2 years and have daily skype chat for 2 hours stretch. Here are the situations I am being ordered....

[*]Smiling IS now forbidden, only at home.

[*]Sitting with male co-workers during lunch is forbidden, especially when I have been doing it for 15 plus years and grew up in a dominant male household (tomboy, hunting, fishing, and etc).

[*]Even using my eyes to process and intake information (it's a deaf thing to use my eyes to hear/feel my surroundings) - FORBIDDEN! (This one REALLY hit a sour spot).

[*]Transporting a distant male relative from point A to point B is now forbidden, especially when I've been doing it for YEARS and YEARS.

[*]This is just to list a few.

Talk about cultural clash. I've done my part with modifying, adapting, adjusting... even deleting OLD college male friends from 20 years ago on my facebook. I've gone out this way to dress far more modestly. I have 3 college degrees and hold a respectable job. I've read about HIGH FRAUD MENA men... and never thought this whole facade would materialize right within my grasp. I've educated myself on those "Arab" cultural differences, that I can adjust. BUT, I cannot adjust with the way I communicate which is via the use of my eyes.

My question is.... WHAT would you suggest? Especially for those USC females who have had those experiences. Male input would be appreciated too. I'm rated as an INFP on Myer's Brigg personality test and am the most humblest person on earth.... this is really tearing me up.

Shell-shocked...

I will TAKE any advices with a grain of salt.

~E

[Dan & Jenni 457]

you shouldnt have to do so much adjusting and you shouldnt be expected to live like that... walk away!!!

[Ryan H 3,790]

I'm sorry this is happening to you; you have been willing to meet him more than halfway while he now seems unwilling to me you any way.

My own two cents is that he didn't put all his cards on the table as to what his expectations were as your relationship progressed and I consider that a form of deception.

Granted you have invested so much in this process, however, if he is unwilling to compromise, how happy will you be in the future, do you really see him changing after an arrival in the US?? IMO, if the answers are 'I won't be' and 'no', then it's time to cut him loose, before he gets to the US.

Edited October 28, 2011 by Ryan H

[sachinky 464]

Lady, run like hell. Things will only get worse once he lands in the US.

[Barbara J 115]

Dear VJ

SIGH, where do I begin? This man I thought I knew now is showing the "tell tale" signs of Arab male Islamic supremacy. It's so gut-wrenching. October 30 is his interview. We've come this far to call it quits. We've met twice for a total of 7 weeks in 2 years and have daily skype chat for 2 hours stretch. Here are the situations I am being ordered....

[*]Smiling IS now forbidden, only at home.

[*]Sitting with male co-workers during lunch is forbidden, especially when I have been doing it for 15 plus years and grew up in a dominant male household (tomboy, hunting, fishing, and etc).

[*]Even using my eyes to process and intake information (it's a deaf thing to use my eyes to hear/feel my surroundings) - FORBIDDEN! (This one REALLY hit a sour spot).

[*]Transporting a distant male relative from point A to point B is now forbidden, especially when I've been doing it for YEARS and YEARS.

[*]This is just to list a few.

Talk about cultural clash. I've done my part with modifying, adapting, adjusting... even deleting OLD college male friends from 20 years ago on my facebook. I've gone out this way to dress far more modestly. I have 3 college degrees and hold a respectable job. I've read about HIGH FRAUD MENA men... and never thought this whole facade would materialize right within my grasp. I've educated myself on those "Arab" cultural differences, that I can adjust. BUT, I cannot adjust with the way I communicate which is via the use of my eyes.

My question is.... WHAT would you suggest? Especially for those USC females who have had those experiences. Male input would be appreciated too. I'm rated as an INFP on Myer's Brigg personality test and am the most humblest person on earth.... this is really tearing me up.

Shell-shocked...

I will TAKE any advices with a grain of salt.

~E

First of all 7 weeks in 2 years ? No way can work and you Skype every day so what? What you see on the net and what you live with is 2 different things and I am sorry to say but these cultures will never adapt to our western way of thinking and life. Get out while you can and donlt go ahead with this at all as you are going to be miserable for the rest of yur life and even if you do go through with it divorce is inevitable and he will get GC and be on his way. Good luck to you is all I can say but you don't need this at all.

[Yagisama 93]

You deserve better.

[Penguin_ie 5,984]

***** Moving from CR-1 to Mena forum as question is not about the immigration process, but cultural issues *****

[In a tizzy 7]

I'm sorry this is happening to you; you have been willing to meet him more than halfway while he now seems unwilling to me you any way.

My own two cents is that he didn't put all his cards on the table as to what his expectations were as your relationship progressed and I consider that a form of deception.

Granted you have invested so much in this process, however, if he is unwilling to compromise, how happy will you be in the future, do you really see him changing after an arrival in the US?? IMO, if the answers are 'I won't be' and 'no', then it's time to cut him loose, before he gets to the US.

Ryan H, I am grateful for your reply. As for cutting him loose, how is this done especially when interview is in 2 days?

[Holly and Patrick 3]

Just E

I'm so sorry to hear you are so torn up. All I can suggest would be to take away the excitement of the upcoming interview and consider how you would respond if you found yourself in this situation at the beginning of the relationship. I think we all find that marrying someone from a different country is full of unexpected cultural differences, but we should never be in a situation in which we are not comfortable.

I'm sure you will make the right decision!

[JudyKCski 12]

If your time line is up to date - he has had his interview but it has not yet been approved?

Realizing you have spent time and money in this process up to date and with the miles there are right now between you - I would kindly suggest you send a email to the embassy with his name and the visa numbers you have for him and ask them to stop the process. Tell them what you have told us and tell them you are having second thoughts and then tell them you are going to withdraw your petition. (Someone I am sure can tell you how you go about formally withdrawling your petition on VJ)

Men like your fiance have a way of bouncing back - so do not worry about his feelings. Please do however think of your feelings - you NEED to be TRUE TO YOURSELF first. Do you want to live the rest of your life not being able to be yourself? Personally I was married to a man who was very controlling and believe me you can talk yourself into accepting a lot of stuff even though you know yourself it is not right. Later on all you do is feel very resentful and bitter towards them because you are not being yourself any longer. Please do not make a mistake that could cost you your very soul or life. Remember in some middle eastern countries women are NOTHING.

Edited October 28, 2011 by JudyKCski

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

First Im sorry about your situation. These are HUGE red flags. He's trying to control you over the phone or internet & ya'll arent married yet? Run FAST! Do not allow a man to control when you can smile, what you can look at or which direction you turn! You should be loved & adored, not controlled & abused emotionally, physically or mentally. If you truly want to stop the process, by all means DO IT! Praying for you & this situation!

[In a tizzy 7]

Thank you VJ fellas... I shall do my prayers and ask for sound guidance from God who is most merciful and all loving.

My question for y'all: What are the appropriate steps for withdrawing my petition/application? That is once a decision has been made.

Thank you all and God bless~

[Holly and Patrick 3]

I think just contact the embassy with which he is having his interview and let them know the situation, they will guide you through the steps. I'm sure applications have been withdrawn last minute in the past and there is a simple protocol.

Good Luck!

[Silverberry1331 25]

Thank you VJ fellas... I shall do my prayers and ask for sound guidance from God who is most merciful and all loving.

My question for y'all: What are the appropriate steps for withdrawing my petition/application? That is once a decision has been made.

Thank you all and God bless~

I am not an expert so, I can only go on intuition. First, I would call the NVC and speak to a representative. Explain to them this situation and ask them what to do. I believe they will go a long way on filling you in. While you do that, email the Consulate and ask them to withdraw the interview.

These are huge red flags as everyone is telling you. You do not need to go through this and since you aren't married yet, there is no legal ramifications, only emotional ones for you. I am so sorry you are going through this but, thank God you found this out now. He overplayed his hand in all of this and that is a lucky aspect for you. Heaven forbid he waited until he got here and sprung this on you. Please keep up posted and just know that we are here for you.

So very sorry.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

I am shocked, myself, at what your fiance is ordering you to do... He had me at the first point: Can't SMILE outside the home?! I hope you are kidding, but at the same time I don't think you are...

Like what others have said, (if you haven't already decided to walk away, I suggest that you) please walk away from this man. In his homeland, the things that he is ordering you to do MAY be the norm, but it doesn't seem at all the norm for YOU!

Thankfully he hasn't arrived in the US yet. I hope the process gets stopped before he ever does.