Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[dukeandduchess 141]

Withdraw your petition. You deserve better.

[momof1 205]

Dear VJ

SIGH, where do I begin? This man I thought I knew now is showing the "tell tale" signs of Arab male Islamic supremacy. It's so gut-wrenching. October 30 is his interview. We've come this far to call it quits. We've met twice for a total of 7 weeks in 2 years and have daily skype chat for 2 hours stretch. Here are the situations I am being ordered....

[*]Smiling IS now forbidden, only at home.

[*]Sitting with male co-workers during lunch is forbidden, especially when I have been doing it for 15 plus years and grew up in a dominant male household (tomboy, hunting, fishing, and etc).

[*]Even using my eyes to process and intake information (it's a deaf thing to use my eyes to hear/feel my surroundings) - FORBIDDEN! (This one REALLY hit a sour spot).

[*]Transporting a distant male relative from point A to point B is now forbidden, especially when I've been doing it for YEARS and YEARS.

[*]This is just to list a few.

Talk about cultural clash. I've done my part with modifying, adapting, adjusting... even deleting OLD college male friends from 20 years ago on my facebook. I've gone out this way to dress far more modestly. I have 3 college degrees and hold a respectable job. I've read about HIGH FRAUD MENA men... and never thought this whole facade would materialize right within my grasp. I've educated myself on those "Arab" cultural differences, that I can adjust. BUT, I cannot adjust with the way I communicate which is via the use of my eyes.

My question is.... WHAT would you suggest? Especially for those USC females who have had those experiences. Male input would be appreciated too. I'm rated as an INFP on Myer's Brigg personality test and am the most humblest person on earth.... this is really tearing me up.

Shell-shocked...

I will TAKE any advices with a grain of salt.

~E

Do you really need to ask what to do? If you like being treated this way then, by all means, bring him here. If you don't like being treatedt his way then cancel the petition. It's better to cut your losses now rather than bring him here out of embarrasment or loyalty or whatever. It will get worse if you don't put an end to it.

I'm an outgoing person and while we're in Algeria I always try to make my SIL laugh when we're outside of the house. She gets very mad at me because "she can't laugh outside." That's just not me. If your guys wants a woman like that they he should find someone in Algeria because they are a dime a dozen. It annoys me when I hear of men benefiting from some parts of American culture(women working, paying bills, shopping..etc) while shunning other parts(friendliness, kindness, sharing in household duties, take care of babies..etc). If a multicultural marriage is going to work then there must be compromise on both sides. In our home we try to take the good from both of our cultures. You cannot sustain a relationship when you are the only one being asked to live up to unrealistic expectations and controlling behaviors.

[milimelo 4,167]

Make sure to email both consular and American Citizen Services email address.

[In a tizzy 7]

If your time line is up to date - he has had his interview but it has not yet been approved?

Realizing you have spent time and money in this process up to date and with the miles there are right now between you - I would kindly suggest you send a email to the embassy with his name and the visa numbers you have for him and ask them to stop the process. Tell them what you have told us and tell them you are having second thoughts and then tell them you are going to withdraw your petition. (Someone I am sure can tell you how you go about formally withdrawling your petition on VJ)

Men like your fiance have a way of bouncing back - so do not worry about his feelings. Please do however think of your feelings - you NEED to be TRUE TO YOURSELF first. Do you want to live the rest of your life not being able to be yourself? Personally I was married to a man who was very controlling and believe me you can talk yourself into accepting a lot of stuff even though you know yourself it is not right. Later on all you do is feel very resentful and bitter towards them because you are not being yourself any longer. Please do not make a mistake that could cost you your very soul or life. Remember in some middle eastern countries women are NOTHING.

Hun, you're so right. Men DO bounce back and there are plenty of WONDERFUL Algerian women who are bound by their "customs" not to smile in public and etc. Perhaps I should consider this as my ultimate gift back to the society which would be letting him go free and do as he pleases.

I know my true self. I am one of the most congenial person on earth (I would think so). To take away my smile is like asking the sun to take away its beautiful rays.

I'll update more later on this. More to follow...

[In a tizzy 7]

First Im sorry about your situation. These are HUGE red flags. He's trying to control you over the phone or internet & ya'll arent married yet? Run FAST! Do not allow a man to control when you can smile, what you can look at or which direction you turn! You should be loved & adored, not controlled & abused emotionally, physically or mentally. If you truly want to stop the process, by all means DO IT! Praying for you & this situation!

Hi, you are right. Come to think of it. There were red flags earlier on... At one time, I wanted to go hiking/camping as I've always did ALL my life. He had said that I cannot go without his approval. From that point on, camping has not transpired...

Thank you for your prayers. I know he is a poor representation of "Muslim Men." I refuse to lump ALL of the MENA men to be like him or those horror stories I read. Truly, there are GOOD men out there, regardless of religion.

I will keep y'all posted.

[In a tizzy 7]

Do you really need to ask what to do? If you like being treated this way then, by all means, bring him here. If you don't like being treatedt his way then cancel the petition. It's better to cut your losses now rather than bring him here out of embarrasment or loyalty or whatever. It will get worse if you don't put an end to it.

I'm an outgoing person and while we're in Algeria I always try to make my SIL laugh when we're outside of the house. She gets very mad at me because "she can't laugh outside." That's just not me. If your guys wants a woman like that they he should find someone in Algeria because they are a dime a dozen. It annoys me when I hear of men benefiting from some parts of American culture(women working, paying bills, shopping..etc) while shunning other parts(friendliness, kindness, sharing in household duties, take care of babies..etc). If a multicultural marriage is going to work then there must be compromise on both sides. In our home we try to take the good from both of our cultures. You cannot sustain a relationship when you are the only one being asked to live up to unrealistic expectations and controlling behaviors.

You're right. Some things in both cultures are adaptable. Mine Deafness in my case, it is NOT possible to adapt which would be "looking" on ground when in male presence. HOW can I do that if I cannot hear and am very dependent on my eyes to process my environs, impossible! There is no way am I going to look down and become disoriented and lost within the environs.

I really have nothing to lose here. I have a FANTASTIC job, FANTASTIC dream career, and etc. (Sorry if I am giving myself a pep talk).

More to follow later.

[In a tizzy 7]

Fellow Vjers,

During one late evening last week, I had this vision that appeared in my head while in my quiet meditative moments. It was a vision of him "dying" (not literally, but from my life). Of course, that perturbed me SO DEEPLY that I cried for 3 hours, snots and all . I could not understand the meaning for a few days. But now, I can see the reason for it all.

I have a very deep relationship with God and had so since I was 5 years old. I am going to trust my vision and His purpose.

If my man ever wants me, he WILL appreciate my smiles, my need to use my eyes, and more.

I will keep you posted VERY soon on this and the outcome.

~E

p.s. It is more likely I will trust the Embassy to make the final call.

p.p.s. In my prayers/dua'a, I've always said this, "If it is Your will, keep us together. If he is not the man You planned for me, keep us apart for only God knows best." ~His loving servant.

[In a tizzy 7]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation but if you are serious about cutting your losses then consider this, the 30th is on a Sunday and I have never heard of an embassy open on Sundays. Ok on to the point, call the embassy directly and give them the case and name number and tell them you want to withdraw the visa. Also, send them an email with an attached memorandum stating why you want to withdraw (ended the relationship).

I had the same situation (not the same embassy) and they responded quickly and told me not to worry the interview was cancelled, however it took about 4 months to finally get back correspondence from USCIS stating that the visa request had been returned to them and they had closed out the case.

Consular Section

United States Embassy Algiers, Algeria

05 Chemin Cheikh Bachir Ibrahimi

El-Biar 16030

Alger Algerie

Tel: 0770-08-2240

Email: ConsularAlgiers@state.gov

Web Site: http://algiers.usembassy.gov

For American Citizen Services only

Tel: 0770-08-2032

Email: ACSAlgiers@state.gov

For after-hours emergencies involving U.S. citizens, call the Embassy Duty Officer at 0770-08-2000.

Good luck,

All this pertinent information helps me greatly. I cannot thank you enough! Just an FYI, the Embassy is open from Sunday - Thursday which is considered as their "FULL WORK WEEK". Fridays and Saturdays are considered their "weekend".

[Darnell 8,478]

I suggest a different thing (y'all can laugh at me) -

Everyone's interpretation of 'Islamic law' and 'Islamic practices' is different, and is based on what they learned from an Imam / Muallah at a mosque or via some electronic connection.

Ask HIM the name and location of the Imam / Muallah that he follows.

Then YOU contact this person, and list your concerns with him, show him 'this list' that you were 'given', and inquire if he thinks that these seems normal for an cross-cultural relationship.

Good Luck ! Let us know the response, as well.

[momof1 205]

The embassy will not judge if he's a good man/husband. That's your job. You nedd to be accountable for your own choices and it sounds like you won't leave. That makes me feel sad for you.

[JINNY 2]

Remember there are two in this relationship. He may list his requests and you have your right to reply to them. You may work it out and come to some compromise. He may display dominance but be kind and ask him what he means or to explain why he wants those thing and he may soften up.

You may not know that in their culutre smiling is considered an adornment and is not to be shared with anyone other than friends and families. Sort of like covering the hair. Once here he will see this and come to accept it more, especially around your friends and family

Explain that because you are hearing impaired you depend on your eyes for communication and his request is impossible to meet so it is out of the question.

Tell him the man you transport is a relative and has depended upon you for years.

Tell him you are a more outgoing female who is active and does things like camping and sitting with your co-workers for lunch. He may be having some feelings of insecurity so be gentle with him. Also consider would you like it if he is sitting with female co-workers at lunch that you don't know.

If he is beyond reason and there is no compromising point then I would reconsider. I like the suggestion about speaking with the Imam. I think one in your area may have more perspective on multi-cultural relationships then one in his home country.

It will be rough the first year because they do experience culture shock and are far from everything they've known all their life. You will be getting to know each other and will have to work through things that may seem normal or reasonable to you or him. Try to remember when something seems shocking or unreasonable to not have an emotional reaction but an intellectual one that is curious and seeking meaning behind what is being said. Once you learn more about each other you will have a better understanding of each other and where you both are coming from.

[In a tizzy 7]

The embassy will not judge if he's a good man/husband. That's your job. You nedd to be accountable for your own choices and it sounds like you won't leave. That makes me feel sad for you.

You're correct on the Embassy only doing its job. As for my job, I am definitely accountable for all I do.

Frankly, I have a lot of sustenance and am not taken as a weakling, nor am I easily a push-over. I only seek a community voice/support on this issue as I am not able to speak of this kind of situation with my family nor my friends. They wouldn't understand as they are not the ones going through the K-1 USCIS process. They have never dated or married anyone outside of USA. The lot of them have NEVER traveled out of country. That is why I am here on VJ to seek out wise words, advices, and etc. I do VALUE your input on how to go from here.

I am VERY intuitive and will trust God's plan on this one. I pretty much have made up my mind which is knowing that "a leopard does not lose its' spot"... "Take a man out of his culture, but you can not take the culture out of the man."

I will keep you all posted on what happens after the interview. It is most definite he will have AP. When this happens, the Embassy will contact me or vice versa. The entire situation should unfold ACCORDING to God's plan.

I am taking this blow by blow and quickly getting up on my feet as fast as I can.

Again, I appreciate all your support. VJers, know that you all are the BEST!

More to follow

E

[In a tizzy 7]

Remember there are two in this relationship. He may list his requests and you have your right to reply to them. You may work it out and come to some compromise. He may display dominance but be kind and ask him what he means or to explain why he wants those thing and he may soften up.

You may not know that in their culutre smiling is considered an adornment and is not to be shared with anyone other than friends and families. Sort of like covering the hair. Once here he will see this and come to accept it more, especially around your friends and family

Explain that because you are hearing impaired you depend on your eyes for communication and his request is impossible to meet so it is out of the question.

Tell him the man you transport is a relative and has depended upon you for years.

Tell him you are a more outgoing female who is active and does things like camping and sitting with your co-workers for lunch. He may be having some feelings of insecurity so be gentle with him. Also consider would you like it if he is sitting with female co-workers at lunch that you don't know.

If he is beyond reason and there is no compromising point then I would reconsider. I like the suggestion about speaking with the Imam. I think one in your area may have more perspective on multi-cultural relationships then one in his home country.

It will be rough the first year because they do experience culture shock and are far from everything they've known all their life. You will be getting to know each other and will have to work through things that may seem normal or reasonable to you or him. Try to remember when something seems shocking or unreasonable to not have an emotional reaction but an intellectual one that is curious and seeking meaning behind what is being said. Once you learn more about each other you will have a better understanding of each other and where you both are coming from.

A very kind response coming from you means a lot. You're correct on a lot of things.

I shall keep you posted after his interview on Oct. 30.

I'm praying to God for strength to sort this out.

More to follow, E

[msheesha 548]

I'm beginning to think this isn't even a real situation. But if it is..

You're doing a huge disservice to everyone involved, most of all yourself, if you leave it up to a

government worker as to whether or not you marry this guy.

It's not their decision who you marry, and it sounds really sad that you've leave your future in the hands

of a government worker who will talk to your fiance for a few hours at the most.

The irony of all this is that the majority of the people who go through this process lament the fact that

a government worker has such control over the direction their lives go in (i.e. - approving, denying, AP decisions,

etc, etc). Yet, you're freely going to put your future into their decision. That sounds totally bonkers to me,

and it's making me think the situation isn't a real one; it's that unbelievable!!

If it is real, take religion, culture, country of origin, etc, etc, etc, out of the equation.

If you met some guy here in the US and he told you not to smile, not to go camping, etc, etc, etc

would you ask a government worker to decide for you?????

[In a tizzy 7]

I'm beginning to think this isn't even a real situation. But if it is..

You're doing a huge disservice to everyone involved, most of all yourself, if you leave it up to a

government worker as to whether or not you marry this guy.

It's not their decision who you marry, and it sounds really sad that you've leave your future in the hands

of a government worker who will talk to your fiance for a few hours at the most.

The irony of all this is that the majority of the people who go through this process lament the fact that

a government worker has such control over the direction their lives go in (i.e. - approving, denying, AP decisions,

etc, etc). Yet, you're freely going to put your future into their decision. That sounds totally bonkers to me,

and it's making me think the situation isn't a real one; it's that unbelievable!!

If it is real, take religion, culture, country of origin, etc, etc, etc, out of the equation.

If you met some guy here in the US and he told you not to smile, not to go camping, etc, etc, etc

would you ask a government worker to decide for you?????

No, Msheesha, this is real. I have my skype conversation saved. I will be glad to send you an snapshot attachment (after I hide his skype name). As you like, you can decide whether I am being genuine or if I am actually the crazy one.

As I had mentioned before, Embassy will be contacted (either way) and my concerns will be expressed. I am very intuitive with time and with the unknown plan. That's the INFP in me.

You're so right, it sounds BONKERS to me when people lament about the government having a lot of say in relationships. It doesn't faze me one bit. I am pretty sure it's because they are are kept abreast of HUNDREDS of fraud marriages.

Perhaps the naive me was hoping that he is not "one of those" MENA men. But lo behold, it is possible I am mistaken. Educating myself on these issues and am forearmed with information and avenues to make other recourse (THANKS VJ'ers for your support/advice), helps me cope with this better and know what steps to take.

As for right now, I know I have the POWER NOT to marry him. PERIOD. End of story.

Thanks, E