Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[In a tizzy 7]

I suggest a different thing (y'all can laugh at me) -

Everyone's interpretation of 'Islamic law' and 'Islamic practices' is different, and is based on what they learned from an Imam / Muallah at a mosque or via some electronic connection.

Ask HIM the name and location of the Imam / Muallah that he follows.

Then YOU contact this person, and list your concerns with him, show him 'this list' that you were 'given', and inquire if he thinks that these seems normal for an cross-cultural relationship.

Good Luck ! Let us know the response, as well.

I wish it was that easy. See, his imam is arabic speaker and I ONLY use sign language and do not speak at all (I can if I WANT to).

Someone kind enough sent me an email stating that even in the Hadith that prophet Mohammed said that genuine smiles are one of the acts of charity and it falls under one of the 5 pillars of Islam.

For me smiling helps disarm a person's uncertainty/unease/unknowing (etc), especially when they are having a discourse with a "DEAF" person, ME.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Sincerely, E

p.s. here's a youtube link and you can see me using sign language (I was doing a lesson for my Deaf kids and reminding them to use safety goggles).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzNUSL150sY

[In a tizzy 7]

Speaking from experience....I am scared for you. I am begging you to rethink this. Gone this far or not......think long and hard before you go through with this. The man I married was the sweetest guy ever until I found out who he really was. He started to change before the interview but I refused to see it. Not wanting me to talk to his friends, not wanting me to talk to mine, once he got here, things got sooooo much worse. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. He controlled my every move and thought. Had a VERY strange obsession with my 12 year old daughter that he could not keep his hands off of ( Thank God she says nothing ever happened). My best friend tried to warn me, and I really wish I would have listened before I brought him here. He was here 5 months, wouldnt work, wouldnt help me with anything and treated me like I owed him everything....may I add that I paid for everything? The trips there, the hotels, the spending money, the food, the immigration process and even his ticket here. All he wanted to do was keep me at home, control me, and he could do whatever he wanted. Which was eat, sleep, and stay online all the time. I found porn on my internet, he was all the time in chat rooms talking to other women. When I finally had enough we called his family and told them to send him a ticket back home. But before he left, he made sure to downgrade me in front of my kids and threaten me that if I messed up his "plans", he still had family here in the U.S, that would make my life hell and meanwhile he would go home and be happy with his new wife from Egypt that was truly the one that he really loved and was one of the many that he was talking to when he was here in my home. BTW....he did marry her.....not even 3 months after he left the U.S. Bad news....even after writing everyone in the immigration process, telling them my story and sending them the divorce papers, my family and I are still legally responsible for him if he steps on U.S soil within the next 2 years. Im begging you ......PLZZZZZ Stop and think about this. What he is telling you to do is not right and its not love. Thats control!

I am absorbing EVERY word you're saying. I have a question for you, Dream'nJordan. Was his family SO VERY benevolent towards you in the beginning.... (sort of to the point of pulling wool over your eyes)?

His family is EVER so loving towards me. Now... I am developing a hind-sight about this whole "loving" thing.

Yours, E

[MalaysianGirl 26]

Dear E (OP), after reading your posts and watching your video, I just want to add that I truly wish you the best in life and love. I hope that your situation will be solved as soon and as best as possible. *HUGS.*

[Darnell 8,478]

I wish it was that easy. See, his imam is arabic speaker and I ONLY use sign language and do not speak at all (I can if I WANT to).

Someone kind enough sent me an email stating that even in the Hadith that prophet Mohammed said that genuine smiles are one of the acts of charity and it falls under one of the 5 pillars of Islam.

For me smiling helps disarm a person's uncertainty/unease/unknowing (etc), especially when they are having a discourse with a "DEAF" person, ME.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Sincerely, E

Apparently, you can also use a keyboard, put text into silly things like email and documents. So that's another communication medium available to you.

Find out where the fella is, get someone to translate your written words to other written words [say english to whatever native language the Iman can read] then send him an email or a postal letter.

I'm terribly sorry, but I missed it prior, where yer deaf.

Eye Expressiveness is a huge deal for communication with deaf folksen, yer possible-husband is partially silencing you with his 'edict'.

Edited October 28, 2011 by Darnell

[beejay 123]

I suggest a different thing (y'all can laugh at me) -

Everyone's interpretation of 'Islamic law' and 'Islamic practices' is different, and is based on what they learned from an Imam / Muallah at a mosque or via some electronic connection.

Ask HIM the name and location of the Imam / Muallah that he follows.

Then YOU contact this person, and list your concerns with him, show him 'this list' that you were 'given', and inquire if he thinks that these seems normal for an cross-cultural relationship.

Good Luck ! Let us know the response, as well.

I wish it was that easy. See, his imam is arabic speaker and I ONLY use sign language and do not speak at all (I can if I WANT to).

Someone kind enough sent me an email stating that even in the Hadith that prophet Mohammed said that genuine smiles are one of the acts of charity and it falls under one of the 5 pillars of Islam.

For me smiling helps disarm a person's uncertainty/unease/unknowing (etc), especially when they are having a discourse with a "DEAF" person, ME.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Sincerely, E

I don't know that that is completely necessary if the OP has decided to end the relationship. I also don't know that she would get the answer that she wanted. And even if she did what would it change? (Although I do think your response was heartfelt and was coming from a good place. I don't mean to diminish your intent, darnell)

I remember when I was living in a MENA country and a friend of mine was being beaten by her husband. It had taken her awhile to ask for help and when she finally did another friend and I arranged to help her leave the country. She left work in the middle of the day to go home and pack her stuff and then stayed at my apartment until her flight. That evening when she tried to leave the country she was stopped at the gate because her husband and his family had put a block on her passport saying that she had stolen from them. We had to go the police station where the complaint was filed and wait for her husband and his family to come (she was terrified). While waiting one of the local police officers was trying to ask about the situation. The other friend who was with us spoke a little arabic and explained in half english half arabic that her husband beat her. The police officer's response was "Well, is she a bad girl?" My friend (who was also married to an Arab man) didn't miss a beat and said "No, she's a very good girl." To him it was a matter between family and there were perfectly acceptable reasons for a male family member to beat a female one. This is certainly not true of all MENA men but there are circles where this is completely acceptable behavior.

I think you got out just in time, E. It sounds like you were losing your sense of self and it would have only gotten worse once he arrived. You've made the first step to getting back to your old self. Good for you. Time to get on with your life.

[In a tizzy 7]

I don't know that that is completely necessary if the OP has decided to end the relationship. I also don't know that she would get the answer that she wanted. And even if she did what would it change? (Although I do think your response was heartfelt and was coming from a good place. I don't mean to diminish your intent, darnell)

I remember when I was living in a MENA country and a friend of mine was being beaten by her husband. It had taken her awhile to ask for help and when she finally did another friend and I arranged to help her leave the country. She left work in the middle of the day to go home and pack her stuff and then stayed at my apartment until her flight. That evening when she tried to leave the country she was stopped at the gate because her husband and his family had put a block on her passport saying that she had stolen from them. We had to go the police station where the complaint was filed and wait for her husband and his family to come (she was terrified). While waiting one of the local police officers was trying to ask about the situation. The other friend who was with us spoke a little arabic and explained in half english half arabic that her husband beat her. The police officer's response was "Well, is she a bad girl?" My friend (who was also married to an Arab man) didn't miss a beat and said "No, she's a very good girl." To him it was a matter between family and there were perfectly acceptable reasons for a male family member to beat a female one. This is certainly not true of all MENA men but there are circles where this is completely acceptable behavior.

I think you got out just in time, E. It sounds like you were losing your sense of self and it would have only gotten worse once he arrived. You've made the first step to getting back to your old self. Good for you. Time to get on with your life.

WOW! I cannot fathom myself being in place where I AM NOT able to read arabic nor speak it well. I'd be already shut-in if I was in that position.

Being married to the RIGHT person can make everything feel like heaven. Being married to the WRONG person can make everything feel like prison.

More to follow after tonight and tomorrow night.

E

[Moonlight2011 13]

Im very sorry to hear that.

my advice after all this, is RUN, RUn and RUN far ...very far.

Email the embassy as the people adviced u, stop the process, call the embassy.

Im algerian, and i only can give you the best advice on Algerians.

I feel very sorry for you that its happening to you, but i feel if this is happening now its better than later when he will be in the Us, and u will be responsible for him for 10 years.

Im algerian woman, and im very surprised that ure finace didnt show his real algerian caracter earlier than now.Not all algerians are like that,but some are and you got unlucky to pick up this one.

Usually the algerians that are like that, uses women to have a visa and travel, and try to control the foreign woman, if she agrees in everything(like to convert, to wear hidjab, to stop all relation with male and woman friends that are not muslim...stop eating porc ,or drinking..going out alone, shopping alone...)...they will stay married..but in most cases, foreign woman dont accept and feel in prisn after few months or years..and ask for divorce, from that the man will ebhappy to divorce and have a new girlfriend(usually they already planned to marry an algerian (the moms will be happy to find a girl from same town or family to marry to..)

my question to you: is how did you feel about him, his family when u were in Algeria? u came to algeria yes? did he ever asked you to change something before: like religion, drinking...teh way you dress up??friends??what does he do in life?did he studied ?

please dont get me wrong, but im just trying to figure out how this person is, from wich area he is...you know algeria is very big and it contain a lots of different people....!!!

unfortunatly,there are many like the new salafist, that talks about religion all time,there wifes wears burka and they have a beard and wear strange clothes (im not judging them..but this is not our clothes and culture they brought that from pakistan..and excttt countries).

i feel very a shamed to hear that he is treating you that way. please think twice, but i will recomand you to broke up with him and run away, he doesnt deserve you, and believe me youre life is going be a night marre if he gets to the US.

if you need any help just send me an email here on VJ.i will be happy to talk to u and share my thoughts on this situation.

[BlueBonnet 84]

Ill admit to not reading everyones post here, if my words following are a repeat of someones elses, im sorry. This is my opinion on your situation.

A person should not have to change who they are for someone else.

When someone falls in love, they do so for a reason, they like that person and everything about them, then develop deep feelings for them. They dont find someone then attempt to mold them into something / someone else. They accept them for what they are, all their faults and differences included.

If your partner is already attempting to change who you are into something you are not, then he is suppressing you. Can you live with yourself being someone youre not ?

You have to like who you are, be in a position to take something into a relationship, find that special someone, and both of you give to the relationship. It is never about one person dicating to another the way it is.

I believe that this is the start to a very destructive relationship because his demands will only get greater.

I truly hope you make the best decision here, but I believe that you knew the answer before you wrote your post. I say this because strangers dont go to strangers looking for advice unless they are already unsure of it themselves. I think that you see it, that you know it, that maybe you were hoping that you were wrong and you came here hoping someone would tell you your crazy. Were not telling you your crazy, were telling you that you are right. You need to listen to that little voice in your head that is telling you to think this through, hard ! and you need to listen to the people here who are telling you to run like the wind and stop this petition.

Good luck, I mean it, this isnt an easy decision.

[Darnell 8,478]

I think you got out just in time, E. It sounds like you were losing your sense of self and it would have only gotten worse once he arrived. You've made the first step to getting back to your old self. Good for you. Time to get on with your life.

Yup - the timing is perfect, IMO.

[LaL 418]

If you are still unsure of what you want to do - you can always postpone the interview.

[sachinky 464]

The US Embassy is not in charge of deciding whether or not the beneficiary is a good person or is going to be a good spouse. Their decision solely rests on whether the relationship is a bona-fide one (i.e. not for immigration purposes). And let me tell you, you can have a perfectly bonafide relationship with a jack@ss. Which would be what your fiance sounds like. Nothing to do with his Arabness or Islamicness. He's a controlling jerk and it's just going to get worse. You know what the worst part is, though? That you know it. You just don't want to believe it.

[In a tizzy 7]

If you are still unsure of what you want to do - you can always postpone the interview.

Postpone the interview? Seriously? It can be done?

The embassy does not open until Sunday (their work day begins). THEN the beneficiary has an interview THAT same day - THIS coming Sunday, like in 2 days.

It's 6 hours difference, therefore I will need to call at 2-3am on Sunday.

It's a difficult feat for a deaf person to use a phone, next to impossible. It's gonna be the 11th hour suspending wait.

Tonight, I'm going to be upfront with my beneficiary and PRAY to God I don't falter.

Which is why I usually leave EVERYTHING in His Hands. "Man proposes, God disposes."

E

p.s. More to follow after tonight or tomorrow.

[Moonlight2011 13]

Hi, u can still send ure emails today or before sunday, i heard that the guys at the embassy check there emails..but do not answer to people timely.

also, i guess his interview is teh afternoon, and if they get the email before that, it will be taken in to consideration before the interviw.

Also, if you talk to ure fiance tonight and let him know about ure fears and than after all that u decide to quite this relationship, you can still tell him that u sent and email and talked on teh phne with somebody from embassy about ure fears and that u want stop the process, and from that u can tell him there is no need to go to interview cause for sure he will be denied and maybe banned from US..(in case he still want go to interview and use u to get his visa))))...

what the folks thinks about this??

[In a tizzy 7]

The US Embassy is not in charge of deciding whether or not the beneficiary is a good person or is going to be a good spouse. Their decision solely rests on whether the relationship is a bona-fide one (i.e. not for immigration purposes). And let me tell you, you can have a perfectly bonafide relationship with a jack@ss. Which would be what your fiance sounds like. Nothing to do with his Arabness or Islamicness. He's a controlling jerk and it's just going to get worse. You know what the worst part is, though? That you know it. You just don't want to believe it.

That's the worse part... That I know it.

Well, actually I do believe it. I am just not the "fighting" kind. I'm more of using my wits and charm. (Imagine Barney Fife and/or Linus combined).

Reading everyone's community support and voice really HELPS me a lot. Not that I am seeking validation or affirmation. Perhaps, more of a "self-check" to assure I am NOT crazy for thinking THIS is normal for every relationship.

My "current" friends and family WOULD not understand this. They aren't the ones going through the USCIS process. VJ'ers are the ones I can really count on to partake their input.

Hope this make sense?

[sachinky 464]

Glad we can help! VJ Rocks.