Form 485 not filed yet

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Vanessa&Tony

Not sure if your qualified to tell anyone "they should be ashamed of themself"..

Secondly, we are in our own way, trying to make a point of how critical it is to consider these things prior to making commitments and up-rooting people from thier lives..

The issue is if whether or not the OP is considering anyone's feelings except his own.. and to point out to anyone else, who hasnt thought out these factors in thier descision..

It's true that the OP maybe having a dificult time with this, but I am more concerned about the wife who gave up everything to be here with this guy.. Your comment clearly is only considering the OP's side and not the other person side which is often the mistake made in many relationships with a selfish partner..

To me, it's not the petitioner making the largest sacrifice in this process, often its the foriegn fiancee or spouse... Thats the point..

And as he charcaterized this many times, it is a "small cultural difference".. It wasnt cheating, it wasn't money, it was a "small cultural difference".. Absoulutely insane to consider anything characterized as a "small cultural difference" as a reason to divorce..

I am the immigrant, if it didn't work it DIDN'T WORK!! OMG seriously? You really think that JUST because my husband imported me he should ignore some small cultural difference or character flaw that would bug him the rest of our marriage and possibly build to resentment? Just like I have every right to leave because of a small cultural difference, as does the OP. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't work at it. We don't know that he didn't. I doubt he's taking divorce lightly. I doubt he's taking the money he spent and is now throwing away seriously. I doubt he's taking the loss of the woman he speaks so highly of lightly, but obviously he has an issue.

You're also assuming the "small cultural difference" IS just a small difference and discounting the idea it could actually be a LARGE cultural difference. Like the guy who married some Filippino that stole his credit card to try and send money home to her family but he caught her in time. Or the guy who married a Filippino, she spent his money like it was going out of fashion, kept insisting on large sums of money to be sent home, lots of presents and when he said no she got a job and sent all HER money home yet contributed nothing to the household. That "small cultural difference" being the money situation WOULD be a deal-breaker for me. I didn't get married to have my husband not support US and OUR marriage and instead support his family back home. I would feel completely used. Here's the thing though, he doesn't OWE YOU an explanation.

You don't know him. You don't know his life. In either event this whole site isn't about judging someone. He asked a question and you all avoided it and instead jumped on him for his life choice/s.

I have reported this thread as it is completely derailed and only 3 or 4 posts actually answer the question and the rest are just judgmental.

Edited September 21, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[kennym 275]

let's focus on answering the op's questions rather than digging around for something to throw at the op.

charles

vj moderation

Sorry, just is soo sad to see this kind of loss...

Kenny

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

one post removed for being irrelevant to the topic and for giving the op grief, thread access removed.

[kennym 275]

I am the immigrant, if it didn't work it DIDN'T WORK!! OMG seriously?

OMG!!! YESS!!!

It's called marriage, which comes with a commitment and resposibity..

There was no Assumption.. the OP Clearly stated "small cultural diference",,,

Those are concepts many immature people dont get but never the less part of the marriage vows..

[duriantaste 44]

I apologize greatly for posting my current situation. I came to this forum because some one @ http://www.***removed***/ recommended me this link. She stated people here are very helpful and stick with the question asked. Either she is wrong or my question was not asked properly.

Everyone is making their own assumption without knowing "the thing that" made me feel uncomfortable. My first post here tells me that I need to be very careful what to post and not post.

[duriantaste 44]

OMG!!! YESS!!!

It's called marriage, which comes with a commitment and resposibity..

There was no Assumption.. the OP Clearly stated "small cultural diference",,,

Those are concepts many immature people dont get but never the less part of the marriage vows..

I forgot to add:

We are back together.

We get alone very well. We are a very healthy couple. We eat well. Exercise together. We are not overweight or anything like that. Our decision not to get divorced involved many factors; 1) our love is very strong 2) We don't want to be include in those who are damaging the society by getting married multiple of times 3) we like to follow the steps of our parents. Never divorced

Thanks for the advice.

[kennym 275]

I forgot to add:

We are back together.

We get alone very well. We are a very healthy couple. We eat well. Exercise together. We are not overweight or anything like that. Our decision not to get divorced involved many factors; 1) our love is very strong 2) We don't want to be include in those who are damaging the society by getting married multiple of times 3) we like to follow the steps of our parents. Never divorced

Thanks for the advice.

Man, that is awesome to hear.. cherish the love you have.. those are great things to build a wonderful relationship on..

[MIDUVIL 34]

Hello,

I just read the entire post.

Yeeeeh, you did the right thing.

Love before aaaallllll

Happy for you. I love to hear that

[kennym 275]

Hello,

I just read the entire post.

Yeeeeh, you did the right thing.

Love before aaaallllll

Happy for you. I love to hear that

Amen...

There are too many saying "stick a label on e'r, and ship'r back", simply makes me wonder what values and ideals that we have amongst others that are going through this process.. No one should ever encourage anybody to end a relationship unless they know the facts... otherwise, the advise should always be to; work things out..

Kenny

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I apologize greatly for posting my current situation. I came to this forum because some one @ http://www.***removed***/ recommended me this link. She stated people here are very helpful and stick with the question asked. Either she is wrong or my question was not asked properly.

Everyone is making their own assumption without knowing "the thing that" made me feel uncomfortable. My first post here tells me that I need to be very careful what to post and not post.

I would say that most of us were just saying "if it really is something as minor as you classified it then you might want to put a little more effort into overcoming the issue together." I don't see where any assumptions were made but quite the opposite...

I forgot to add:

We are back together.

We get alone very well. We are a very healthy couple. We eat well. Exercise together. We are not overweight or anything like that. Our decision not to get divorced involved many factors; 1) our love is very strong 2) We don't want to be include in those who are damaging the society by getting married multiple of times 3) we like to follow the steps of our parents. Never divorced

Thanks for the advice.

Well reason number one should be enough for the two of you to work together in finding a middle ground that you can both live with. I would say the fact that you guys are giving it another go vindicates those of us who were saying you should put more effort into making it work if the relationship is as you described.

[ronluvme 10]

hi,

i am so glad that yu guys are again together...awesome!love will conquor the world and so overcome anything(strong love)good luck to the rest of your journey in life.....with wifey.

[brownskinned 5]

Im glad my husband and I don't have problems like that especially on my religion and my food. lol

I hope you all can fix it. There's no culture or differences that enough love cannot bridge.

[brownskinned 5]

@ KENNYM

I totally agree with everything you said.

That small cultural differences seemed so BIG I guess.

Edited September 22, 2011 by brownskinned

[kennym 275]

@ brownskinned

Thanks, I felt like the minority.. Which is hard to understand, since people going throught this process, usually seem to value the importance of love and genuine motives, more than than others...

I simply don't understand how people who hardly know this couple or others on VJ and are soo quick to encourage a divorce over seemingly minor issues..

I believe, as fellow Petitioners and Fellow Beneficiaries, we should strongly let people know the challenges that all of us face in our relationships and encourage those to patiently support their spouses as they adjust to a new world, a new culture, a new way of life, and to appreciate the sacrifice your spouse is making and has made to be with you..

I certainly think it can be very dangerous to encourage an otherwise vulnerable person facing dificulty, to just give up and potentially loose the most valuable thing that can happen between two people.. People facing these new situations don't need to be encouraged to make the biggest mistake of thier life.. There's time to let things play it's course and possibly work out for the best..

If the story was diferent, and someone had posted, he was decieved, cheated on, and victimized somehow, but that was not the post.. The OP Clearly stated, it was not about money, or cheating, it was only a "minor cultural issue".. Some assumed that meant, a "Major Cultural Issue" even though it was specifically stated otherwise... Sometimes, we at VJ love to create our own drama... and encourage people to do something stupid sp that can feel superior or something because their situation is soo much better.. I don't know why we do such stupid things or give such stupid advise, but sensible people, shouldn't be soo quick to jump on the "bad advise" band wagon...

It is a a very tough situation because we are having a very GOOD TIME. I have never been this happy before. She can cook well, take care of the house like I could never imagine, sings like a pro, and makes me laugh so much and so healthy. Another thing, She gets alone with my family and friends.

The sad part is that the problem is not about the usual (like money or cheating). It is about a small culture difference that I need to respect but I really can not get over it.

I love her but I think it is the best thing for us to do now before it gets more complicated.

Kenny

[caly 48]

I simply don't understand how people who hardly know this couple or others on VJ and are soo quick to encourage a divorce over seemingly minor issues..

I didn't see anyone encouraging the OP to file for divorce. OP asked how to go about it, and people answered accordingly. Not one person said "you should divorce her immediately!"

Also want to point out that there's a difference between being supportive/encouraging and being judgmental. While I understand that everything that was said about how the OP should reconsider and try to make it work stemmed from good intentions, I felt there was no need to repeatedly insinuate that the OP was a schmuck for wanting to quit the marriage.

That being said, I agree with everyone that an honest attempt should be made to salvage any relationship, especially one like this where cultural differences seems to be the only issue. Only time will tell if a marriage will work out.

To the OP: Happy to hear that you and your wife are willing to stick it out and try to make it work. I wish you both happiness.

Edited September 23, 2011 by caly