Fiance with girl friends...

[VivaBaños 2]

you've already received great advice on here, but I for one would NOT be comfortable with the situation as you've described it. Hopefully you can talk through some of your feelings and come to some decisions TOGETHER.

[jundp 191]

I was all up to defend this guy and his friendship until I read this.

He only gets to spend 2 weeks with you and he chooses to spend a week with her right after your engagement????

That's wrong!

I have to agree here. If my then-fiance had flown in from Germany and had only 2 weeks vacation or something and decided to spend 1/2 of it with one of his friends, especially a female, I'd have been very hurt.

I have 2 very very good male friends. I love them sincerely and they me. I would never choose to spend a week every 6 months or so with them unless they came to ME and my husband or he and I both went there.

Just my opinion. But I agree with most of the posters that you need to say something before you get married. If you acquiesce now it's hard to go back on that later.

Good luck!

[NatPatBen 3]

I guess I didn't think married people did this kind of thing, you know?

Agree.

At first, I didn't understand why my fiance (now husband) didn't like me keeping in touch with either any ex's-turned-friends or my best male friend (who's spending a few years in Japan now). I felt like there was no chance of romance happening with any of those guys, and didn't like the idea of him getting upset about my friendships with them.

Then the skies parted & I was hit with a lightning bolt of clarity.

I realized that my relationship with my future HUSBAND was much more important than maintaining friendships with other men.

I cut off contact with my ex's, and reduced my contact with my friend in Japan. At one point, we spoke several times a day, everyday, on the phone. Once he moved to Japan, it changed to a few times a week. Now, it's once every few months & the occasional comment on Facebook.

------

To comment on your particular situation: A married man spending a week alone with a woman other than his wife (unless she is a sick relative) is VERY questionable.

[Allamericankiwi 14]

From what I can glean from all this Im still wondering if you should get married until you are satisfied that;

He is 100% committed to your happiness now and in the long term

You are compatible ie like to do similar things, are well matched and have the same goals for the future

You have similar ideas about what a marriage is and should be

You can trust him implicitly

You are his best friend and soulmate ie he shares his needs/insecurities/hurts/happiness with you not someone else

You can talk to him and him to you about anything

He wants you to be with him wherever he is and vice versa

Im sure you love him and he loves you but love at the start of a long term relationship often just isnt enough. You are the one that is in this situation and it must have been difficult to post about it. I hope it works out for you. I know alot of people on here feel for your situation

[leahandlucas 15]

amen to that!....she has all the helpful information that she needs now, so she is now knowledgeable about how to go about things.

good luck and god speed!

[Emmamama 2]

I agree with what everyone else says.

I also have one more thing to put out there.

Who has "best friends" after age 13??

Of course I have my closest friends and often use the term best friend, but after you're a teenager or whatever, is it necessary to be so exclusive?? Like, I NEED to be ALONE with my BEST FRIEND.

It just seems weird to me.

Like a lot of people have said here before, me and my husband (one of my 'best friends') and my other 'best friends' ALL chill together, not just like I have to go away...

Think twice mama!

[andana_dj 0]

I would be also frustrated and worried if I were you... but at the same time I am thinking that just the fact that he was honest with you from the start about his girlfriend is already a good sign...and that you can trust him...just discuss with him your concerns, make him realize that you don't feel comfortable about this hole visiting thing...

[winifredbee 1]

Your gut is telling you something. I would listen.

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on VJ but posting here anonymously to ask a question.

My fiance and I are getting married some time later this year; we're almost done with the K1 visa process. He's European and we've known each other for about 2.5 years and have dated for a little more than a year and have seen each other multiple times over the last year.

His best friend as he proclaims is a girl who lives on the opposite side of the country from where I do. I was fairly put out by this; shouldn't you marry your best friend? but since I'm his fiance, I'm that, not his best friend. I've met her and she's very nice, she's the type of person who has more guy friends than girl friends. She's going to be my fiance's equivalent of "best man" in our wedding.

But I have to confess that the relationship hasn't always put me at ease. My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by. Though I can feel that he would never cheat on me, it still doesn't make me feel comfortable him staying at her house for that long period of time without me.

If I'm being honest here, I suppose part of this stems from when I had a guy best friend a few years back but we reached a point after a long time that we started treating each other like we were dating each other even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I was so disgusted with myself (we didn't have sex, but some heavy petting) afterwards that it was a good push for me to move out of that city; I was in a life transition at the time and this was the last bit of push I needed to move to another city because I couldn't stand being that girl. I had never ever intended for anything like that to happen, but as we got closer and closer together sharing our thoughts and time together, it just happened (I know, very original).

Do I think this would happen to him?

No.

But I didn't think it would happen to me. Not in a million years.

He also has a lot of friends a few hours away from here that he'd like to see on a regular basis...he's the type of guy that has more girl friends than guy friends because he's a touchy-feely type, which is what I love about him. Those don't really bother me except for the idea that he goes alone all the time.

I know that people are still individuals in their marriage, but on the other hand I felt it was more like a unit and that one doesn't generally (not always, but generally) go without the other.

What do you guys think? Am I being very silly here?

[winifredbee 1]

Your gut is telling you something. I would listen.

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on VJ but posting here anonymously to ask a question.

My fiance and I are getting married some time later this year; we're almost done with the K1 visa process. He's European and we've known each other for about 2.5 years and have dated for a little more than a year and have seen each other multiple times over the last year.

His best friend as he proclaims is a girl who lives on the opposite side of the country from where I do. I was fairly put out by this; shouldn't you marry your best friend? but since I'm his fiance, I'm that, not his best friend. I've met her and she's very nice, she's the type of person who has more guy friends than girl friends. She's going to be my fiance's equivalent of "best man" in our wedding.

But I have to confess that the relationship hasn't always put me at ease. My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by. Though I can feel that he would never cheat on me, it still doesn't make me feel comfortable him staying at her house for that long period of time without me.

If I'm being honest here, I suppose part of this stems from when I had a guy best friend a few years back but we reached a point after a long time that we started treating each other like we were dating each other even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I was so disgusted with myself (we didn't have sex, but some heavy petting) afterwards that it was a good push for me to move out of that city; I was in a life transition at the time and this was the last bit of push I needed to move to another city because I couldn't stand being that girl. I had never ever intended for anything like that to happen, but as we got closer and closer together sharing our thoughts and time together, it just happened (I know, very original).

Do I think this would happen to him?

No.

But I didn't think it would happen to me. Not in a million years.

He also has a lot of friends a few hours away from here that he'd like to see on a regular basis...he's the type of guy that has more girl friends than guy friends because he's a touchy-feely type, which is what I love about him. Those don't really bother me except for the idea that he goes alone all the time.

I know that people are still individuals in their marriage, but on the other hand I felt it was more like a unit and that one doesn't generally (not always, but generally) go without the other.

What do you guys think? Am I being very silly here?

[MapleLeafBaby 1]

Just out of curiousity....is his 'friend' a USC or are they a PR, or any other status other than an actual citizen...

Not for anything, but with long distance relationships...we are not always privy to their entire life, until we come together and live as one...we always place trust first and hate to be skeptical...i'm not saying that your fiance is anything else but a good man, as you see him...but, just basing it on potential 'immigration' type relationships (and this is just thinking of all potential 'red flags'...sometimes an immigrant cannot be with the person they really want to be with, due to their partners status...and find other means to get here...for example, this girl cannot petition for him because she is not a USC...so the intended immigrant finds an available sponsor (unknowing to the sponsor of course) as a means to get here...gain status, and eventually end up with the person they really wanted to be with, in the future...

Again, i'm not saying this is your situation...but sometimes with our 'love goggles' we don't always see clearly...

Just putting it out there....

I truly hope your situation works out...but I find it weird that your fiance is already mapping out his social requests and requirements...your feelings come first...the 'girlfriends' that my husband has, are one's that we share...meaning that they are just as much my friends as they are his...even if he knew them first....it is not normal for a spouse to have a closer relationship with the opposite sex...and one that you are not 100% a part of....women have good intuitions....it has nothing with you being insecure and if he tells you that your feelings are not valid or that you shouldn't feel that way...that is not good as well....I say that you sort this out before the process is complete....small incidents or situations prior to the union taking place, end up becoming huge situations once you are together....getting married does not trump or make those situations go away.....trying to address a stain on your shirt by wearing a sweater over it...does not make the stain go away...it may not visibly be evident on the outside...but underneath it all...it's still there....don't deny or invalidate your feelings...

Good luck and I hope you find peace....

[Nik+Heather 121]

I too am sorry to hear about your worries and situation.

I think spending "alone" time with one's friends is perfectly acceptable....over lunch. In public. For a couple hours maximum. Weeks, alone, sleeping in the same house, especially when he's using up limited visiting time, is not in any way acceptable. I too am shocked by him choosing to spend one of his two weeks with her instead of you - shortly after being engaged, no less!

You've taken your question to a public forum to look for guidance. You are obviously doubting and uncomfortable. If you don't feel it's appropriate (completely understandable, normal and a commonly held belief) and he doesn't agree, this is a fundamental disconnect in values - the core of your relationship.

[DanielParul 50]

Talking to him might be a good idea however, if he believes it is ok then these kind of situations will keep popping up (I said these kind, not exactly this) even after you are married. You might be able to stop him from seeing this friend but will you be able to change what he believes?

It just sounds like he is going per his convenience, you know, wife at home and a 'best friend' he needs to spend time alone with every now and then......

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I too am sorry to hear about your worries and situation.

I think spending "alone" time with one's friends is perfectly acceptable....over lunch. In public. For a couple hours maximum. Weeks, alone, sleeping in the same house, especially when he's using up limited visiting time, is not in any way acceptable. I too am shocked by him choosing to spend one of his two weeks with her instead of you - shortly after being engaged, no less!

You've taken your question to a public forum to look for guidance. You are obviously doubting and uncomfortable. If you don't feel it's appropriate (completely understandable, normal and a commonly held belief) and he doesn't agree, this is a fundamental disconnect in values - the core of your relationship.

Okay you weren't the only person to mention it but you were the last so far... where did this "one of two weeks" thing come from? She said that he spent a week with his "best friend" after they got engaged, but I didn't see mention of 2 weeks... or that he only spent one week with his fiance and the other with the best friend. Just curious. Thanks

[Brit Abroad 166]

I'm not sure why, but most people seem to assume that there is an underlying attraction between your fiance and his friend. It IS possible to have a platonic friendship, even with an ex.

My husband is deployed, but I went home to the UK for Christmas. While there, I saw my ex (and his girlfriend, they live together, albeit not hugely happily) before Christmas and I spent New Year's Eve with them. I lived with my ex (boyfriend, not husband) for 5 years. When I'm home, I see a lot of him. I enjoy his company, he's interesting and we have many things in common. Because we lived together, I understand who he is, what makes him tick and I'm someone he feels comfortable confiding in, because he knows me.

Was there any sexual interest or innuendo, any longing on either side? Hell, no. Our emotional and sexual relationship was long dead before I met my husband, but I still love my ex as in caring for him, his well-being, hoping he is happy and being able & willing to be someone he can turn to for support. My husband has met my ex, they have some common interests but there were no signs of budding friendship on either side, but no dislike, resentment or hostility either. If my husband asked me to stop visiting and limit my contact to Skype, I'd certainly follow his wishes. A marriage takes precedence over all other relationships, or why bother making a lifetime commitment?

So, please don't jump to any conclusions without understanding what the nature of the relationship is between your man and his friend. Not all opposite sex friendships have sexual undertones. The secret is good communication, everyone knowing where they stand and bringing the "jealousy and concern" issues out in the open. You can't fight an invisible enemy.

Hope this helps to give you another perspective.

[Martyshk 137]

I'm not sure why, but most people seem to assume that there is an underlying attraction between your fiance and his friend. It IS possible to have a platonic friendship, even with an ex.

My husband is deployed, but I went home to the UK for Christmas. While there, I saw my ex (and his girlfriend, they live together, albeit not hugely happily) before Christmas and I spent New Year's Eve with them. I lived with my ex (boyfriend, not husband) for 5 years. When I'm home, I see a lot of him. I enjoy his company, he's interesting and we have many things in common. Because we lived together, I understand who he is, what makes him tick and I'm someone he feels comfortable confiding in, because he knows me.

Was there any sexual interest or innuendo, any longing on either side? Hell, no. Our emotional and sexual relationship was long dead before I met my husband, but I still love my ex as in caring for him, his well-being, hoping he is happy and being able & willing to be someone he can turn to for support. My husband has met my ex, they have some common interests but there were no signs of budding friendship on either side, but no dislike, resentment or hostility either. If my husband asked me to stop visiting and limit my contact to Skype, I'd certainly follow his wishes. A marriage takes precedence over all other relationships, or why bother making a lifetime commitment?

So, please don't jump to any conclusions without understanding what the nature of the relationship is between your man and his friend. Not all opposite sex friendships have sexual undertones. The secret is good communication, everyone knowing where they stand and bringing the "jealousy and concern" issues out in the open. You can't fight an invisible enemy.

Hope this helps to give you another perspective.

I was one of the people (from the personal experience) stating that it's just a little strange to want to spend time away from your wife when you went through the hell, that is K-1 (or any other visa) and are finally together.

When my love is here, I wouldn't wanna spend a minute away from her. F my friends, no matter how close they are.

Plus, she'd rip my head off if I went to see a lady friend alone Same goes for her too.

But, everyone is different. Thing is, OP posted this, being concerned about the situation, means she is not easy with this and she doesn't think the same way her man does, which will lead to issues in the long run unless resolved beforehand.

There's enough advice on these boards. Let's let them figure it out between them two.