Fiance with girl friends...

[Immigrationstuff 0]

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on VJ but posting here anonymously to ask a question.

My fiance and I are getting married some time later this year; we're almost done with the K1 visa process. He's European and we've known each other for about 2.5 years and have dated for a little more than a year and have seen each other multiple times over the last year.

His best friend as he proclaims is a girl who lives on the opposite side of the country from where I do. I was fairly put out by this; shouldn't you marry your best friend? but since I'm his fiance, I'm that, not his best friend. I've met her and she's very nice, she's the type of person who has more guy friends than girl friends. She's going to be my fiance's equivalent of "best man" in our wedding.

But I have to confess that the relationship hasn't always put me at ease. My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by. Though I can feel that he would never cheat on me, it still doesn't make me feel comfortable him staying at her house for that long period of time without me.

If I'm being honest here, I suppose part of this stems from when I had a guy best friend a few years back but we reached a point after a long time that we started treating each other like we were dating each other even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I was so disgusted with myself (we didn't have sex, but some heavy petting) afterwards that it was a good push for me to move out of that city; I was in a life transition at the time and this was the last bit of push I needed to move to another city because I couldn't stand being that girl. I had never ever intended for anything like that to happen, but as we got closer and closer together sharing our thoughts and time together, it just happened (I know, very original).

Do I think this would happen to him?

No.

But I didn't think it would happen to me. Not in a million years.

He also has a lot of friends a few hours away from here that he'd like to see on a regular basis...he's the type of guy that has more girl friends than guy friends because he's a touchy-feely type, which is what I love about him. Those don't really bother me except for the idea that he goes alone all the time.

I know that people are still individuals in their marriage, but on the other hand I felt it was more like a unit and that one doesn't generally (not always, but generally) go without the other.

What do you guys think? Am I being very silly here?

[Darnell 8,478]

a week every sex / six months? yup. he's all about the booty. thats my opinion.

Good Luck !

[Darnell 8,478]

if you need some proof for later - suggest this:

1. he cannot go to them, they must come to your house, sleep there.

2. install video camera system in all rooms prior to him coming over.

3. when the girl(s) visit, leave for a few hours, turn on the recording system.

then review the recordings. go on like this for '5 visits' with the girls.

You should have all the proof you need, by then, yes?

send me a PM if you need info on inhouse video systems.

[Anh map 2,098]

In my opinion this doesn't pass the smell test.

[Deb+Steve 13]

a week every sex / six months? yup. he's all about the booty. thats my opinion.

Good Luck !

A bit harsh but I tend to agree. He's not even here yet, you're not married yet and he is already mapping out the rest of his days based on his social calendar and not your life together. My husband's best friend is female and he (and she) do not feel the need to go away together for a week at a time so they can have alone time.

[canadian_wife 1,823]

No not silly. Here is/was my situation

I have a best guy friend. In fact, we lived together for 2 years when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were dating. I did everything with my best guy friend and told him everything. He was the one I went to for a guy's perspective and he helped me out a lot when dealing with my boyfriend.

These two men are my best friends, but they are my best friends for different reasons. They both get along very well and enjoy each other's company. My boyfriend (again, now husband) is passionate, and full of life, loves extreme sports and has a big personality. My best guy friend is introverted, down to earth, rational and logical (totally not spontaneous). I find both of them bring out the best in me. A fun loving, outgoing person but also one who thinks through decisions and loves 'movie night in'.

I think your projecting your own experiences with your guy friend onto your fiance. Saying 'I never thought it would happen to me therefore I think it could happen to him".

If you are REALLY uncomfortable with this girl friend or the amount of time your boyfriend spends with her, then you need to express that with him and talk about it to make your feelings known - but also respecting his. Maybe this other girl has attributes that bring out the best of his personality. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or you're his best friend. It just means that he loves both of you for different reasons. However, just like in my situation, there is a reason he is with you and not this other girl. He knows that and you need to know that.

I love my husband very much. I also love my best friend (who now lives in New Zealand however). I love them for who they are and what they have taught me and who they are helping me become.

If his relaitonships with this girl troubles you, then express it. Even if it is just a 'why do you feel you should go and spend 1 week every 6 months with her"? But remember, he is also spending the other 50 weeks of the year with you - there is a reason for that too

Good luck.

Edited January 23, 2010 by canadian_wife

[Jenn! 918]

I'd say if you can't trust him, you should reconsider marrying him. Don't expect him to drop his best friend for you, that's not really fair to either of you - he'll end up resenting you for it.

About the "best friend" thing, I wouldn't be offended by that. Some people compartmentalize. I wouldn't term my husband my "best friend". Not sure I've really had a "best friend" since high school.

ETA: responses so far are interesting. good luck trusting him after reading the guys' opinions on this!

Edited January 23, 2010 by Jenn!

[Allamericankiwi 14]

My opinion as a guy who is looking to marry an American girl. You should get the situation sorted straight away. It will worry you and maybe even lead to feelings of mistrust. Its absolutely not right for him to go and spend a week alone with a female "best friend". When youre married you just dont do that. Its dangerous and you are 100% right feeling unhappy about it. Some things in the old life have to stop when you get married. You do what is best for the happiness of the other person and your best friend is your partner. If not then you need to become best friends by talking more and focussing on each other. Tell him you dont feel comfortable with the situation and ask him would he please agree not to do it for your sake. See whether his priority is you or her. I also believe that when youre married you should have a joint email account and ditch your own private ones. Then both can read all incoming messages. This isnt being distrustful its just a good thing to do for the ongoing safety of the marriage, especially if one partner likes to discuss personal things with a "friend" of the opposite sex. I bet he wouldnt give you access to his emails. Im being suspicious but I bet he msgs her all the time.....you have a right to view those msgs I believe as it affects you and your future happiness. Good luck

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

if you need some proof for later - suggest this:

1. he cannot go to them, they must come to your house, sleep there.

2. install video camera system in all rooms prior to him coming over.

3. when the girl(s) visit, leave for a few hours, turn on the recording system.

then review the recordings. go on like this for '5 visits' with the girls.

You should have all the proof you need, by then, yes?

send me a PM if you need info on inhouse video systems.

Love that idea...hee hee

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on VJ but posting here anonymously to ask a question.

My fiance and I are getting married some time later this year; we're almost done with the K1 visa process. He's European and we've known each other for about 2.5 years and have dated for a little more than a year and have seen each other multiple times over the last year.

His best friend as he proclaims is a girl who lives on the opposite side of the country from where I do. I was fairly put out by this; shouldn't you marry your best friend? but since I'm his fiance, I'm that, not his best friend. I've met her and she's very nice, she's the type of person who has more guy friends than girl friends. She's going to be my fiance's equivalent of "best man" in our wedding.

But I have to confess that the relationship hasn't always put me at ease. My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by. Though I can feel that he would never cheat on me, it still doesn't make me feel comfortable him staying at her house for that long period of time without me.

If I'm being honest here, I suppose part of this stems from when I had a guy best friend a few years back but we reached a point after a long time that we started treating each other like we were dating each other even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I was so disgusted with myself (we didn't have sex, but some heavy petting) afterwards that it was a good push for me to move out of that city; I was in a life transition at the time and this was the last bit of push I needed to move to another city because I couldn't stand being that girl. I had never ever intended for anything like that to happen, but as we got closer and closer together sharing our thoughts and time together, it just happened (I know, very original).

Do I think this would happen to him?

No.

But I didn't think it would happen to me. Not in a million years.

He also has a lot of friends a few hours away from here that he'd like to see on a regular basis...he's the type of guy that has more girl friends than guy friends because he's a touchy-feely type, which is what I love about him. Those don't really bother me except for the idea that he goes alone all the time.

I know that people are still individuals in their marriage, but on the other hand I felt it was more like a unit and that one doesn't generally (not always, but generally) go without the other.

What do you guys think? Am I being very silly here?

OK, I might be a stupid idiot, but this just stinks like a skunk. If she is truly his best friend, then he should be glad for both of you to go see her for a visit. Going alone, geeze, #######???? Someone told me, "Don't put yourself in a situation where there might be trouble," and if this isn't, what is???? You had better get this mapped out before he gets here. I have the feeling this woman isn't married either. I can't think of any of my married friends who would go along with this. Of course, if you call him on it, he will put the blame back on you. But you have a right to your feelings, also. Or, why don't you go spend a week with your best male friend? I'm betting he would have a couple of things to say about that---IF he truly cares about you. Good luck on this!

[Carol and Bruno 0]

OK, I might be a stupid idiot, but this just stinks like a skunk. If she is truly his best friend, then he should be glad for both of you to go see her for a visit. Going alone, geeze, #######???? Someone told me, "Don't put yourself in a situation where there might be trouble," and if this isn't, what is???? You had better get this mapped out before he gets here. I have the feeling this woman isn't married either. I can't think of any of my married friends who would go along with this. Of course, if you call him on it, he will put the blame back on you. But you have a right to your feelings, also. Or, why don't you go spend a week with your best male friend? I'm betting he would have a couple of things to say about that---IF he truly cares about you. Good luck on this!

:thumbs: I agree completely.

Is his best friend married? I doubt she is. If she were married, would she and her husband allow him to come visit so often and without his spouse? Nothing about this makes sense regardless of the country he is from. His best friend is American and she should know better than to even allow him to come to her place without you.

Do what's best for you and good luck with this one. It bothers you so you shouldn't make the decision to settle and accept this. This will eat you up down the road. Just wait until the first time he leaves to go be with her and you're home alone laying in bed at night wondering why he would choose to be with her instead of home with you.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Strange stuff IMO. Who has a wife and leaves her to go to a female"friends" house for 1-2 weeks every six months? Never heard of that! Tell him that while hes gone for 1-2 weeks, you will be having a guy friend over every now and then, that maybe you havent seen in 6 months -to catch up on old times or play cards. LOL totally kidding about that part. Just strange stuff to me.

[rika60607 215]

It could be a a booty call.

It could be a genuine friendship, with no underlying sexual desires.

It could be that he's into her, but she is not into him.

It could be that they like each other, but are in love with somebody else (as in he's in love with you, but if not for you, he'd pursue her).

It could be that he likes her, but can not accept her for a mother of his future children.

Endless possibilities....

I would mostly wonder, what would he be doing there when he visits her? Are we talking a common interest that you don't share? Like they both are into scuba diving but you are afraid of water? Or both are heavy drinkers and you don't approve?

That's the questions I would be asking - what will you be doing there for a week? I'd really like to go with you, can I?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My reply is going to be pretty long because I feel pretty strongly about this:

I personally AM my husband's best friend. He has other best friends of course, some are girls. That said, I have MET them. There was a time where I was uncomfortable with a girl friend, one I had met, and him spending time alone with her. I told him, he stopped seeing her alone. He didn't want me being worried at all. I told him I felt bad stopping him from seeing a friend (she wasn't a BEST friend but still) and he told me that my comfort was more important.

Your fiance on the other hand, European people are known for being emotive, expressive, passionate... well some Europeans anyway. It is about each person. Everyone is an individual, but like you said, you should still work together as a team. That's how I always saw it. Individuals, but a team, a unit, like you said. There's a lot to be said about being on the same page as your "other half" and it doesn't really sound like you are right now...

I sometimes have those panic moments, not scared he's cheating or anything, but you read so many stories I sometimes wonder if this is how those people felt before the ground came out from under them. My husband and I talk about cheating and where both of us stand in that regard. We discussed ex's and he even once, while watching a TV show where a guy was asked to dinner for a chat by an attractive girl he knew from school, said "you'd be coming to that. No way would I be going alone.".

I think you might be having cold feet a little, maybe a panic moment like I mentioned above, BUT when does a panic moment become red flags that you shouldn't ignore? I agree with someone else who said that making plans for his social calendar is bizarre. My husbands friends are in another state and the only reason he's gone back was the wedding in November. Hasn't seen his friends since March 2008 prior to that. He understands they're only a phone call away and though he would love to visit, saving money for US to go on holiday, for OUR lives, is more important.

I don't understand why your fiance needs to see her in person. Someone above said something about talking to best friends and how that is different to husband best friends and that's true, but it doesn't require to be in each other presence. Talking on the phone, on the internet etc should be more than enough.

Can I ask, why don't you go too? Those friends that are only a couple of hours away.. do you feel out of place? Excluded? Like you're not even there? You shouldn't. You should feel included, or at least like an important person. You fiance should make an effort to make sure his friends accept you. Sometimes friends don't like partners, but if that were the case, I KNOW my husband would choose me over the nasty friend, would tell the friend to get over it, and that I'm the most important person in his life. Sometimes friends just get upset when the status quo changes. Obviously if I was being a ###### he would tell me too, in nicer terms than that of course.

I'm forced to ask, what is his "best friends" nationality? Is she a USC? If she IS then there's nothing stopping him from marrying HER, but if she's not, then perhaps there's something else going on here. TALK to him about how you don't like him going alone. Plan to go together so you can all spend time together as a group. He shouldn't need "alone time" with her. His aim should be that you become just as good friends with her. Have her visit YOUR house, on your terms, see how that goes. If he wants to save to buy HER tickets because she can't afford to visit otherwise, then that's cool (still a bit iffy but still), but he shouldn't be baulking at the idea of her coming here. If he does then it's suspicious. There's nothing that he needs to do in HER town unless he wants privacy with her.

Ultimately, any sort of relationship that produces this amount of uncertainty and fear needs to be changed. He is going to be married. His friendships WILL change and they SHOULD change.

Good luck

Edited January 24, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[driver 9]

Since you asked... Dump him.

You marry your best friend. Who you marry does the same.