privacy between married couple

[rebeccajo 14]

1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.

1. that's just a fancy way to say he's lying...

2. Perhaps he does owe me an explanation, but if I were in her shoes, I'd feel exceptionally betrayed by it. Couples should have more loyalty to each other rather than to their friends. If I told my man that I felt threatened by a female friend of his, I'd be mortified if he actually told her.

3. He is, but part of being an honorable person is doing the right thing even when it's difficult. He had a choice a or b, not some hybrid to try to appease both.

I do think it's quite ludicrous the way our friendship has become an issue for them...I cannot understand how that happened. But now that it is, he needed to either stand his ground and say 'there's no reason to ask me to do this, and if you can't trust me, then leave'...or he needed to honor her wishes and truly call the friendship quits. This middle of the road is not right, and not fair to anyone.

Or there is the alternative, where you as his friend just cool your jets for awhile and let him sort out (without any input at all from you) the relationship.

[bhajishah 4]

Privacy well maybe, Equality there Should be!!. And why does he have your passwords??? Get new passwords, ask him how he would feel seeing strange mens penisis on your chats and websites??

[GabiandVi 34]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

First, change your passwords, and don't give him your new ones. You both should be allowed to have your own privacy to a point. I have my husband's password, but only because he is even less savvy than I am with these sorts of things and he needs me to do things for him. I don't use it to look through his pages, but there should be nothing there that I would be concerned about.

As for the "baby" thing, I believe it is his obligation to block that user if he asks her not to call him that but she continues to do so. When people try to chat me up online, I tell them that I'm married, I'm old, I'm overweight, and I'm the mother of a toddler. If they continue to make suggestive comments, I ask them not to. If they continue, I block them. I would expect the same of my husband and I'd have no hesitation spelling that out to him.

I won't speculate on your husband's fidelity or try to give you any other advice. Words and letters in black and white cannot tell the whole story. Only you can know the nuances and the subtleties of your relationship and your situation. Any advice I could give you would be based on tiny glimpse of the true situation and I could be way off mark.

[dagnytaggart 0]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion there can be privacy in a marriage but only to a certain extent. If i were to find nude pictures in my husbands messages/emails that would cross a line. If I confronted him about it and he gave me that response I wouldn't be to happy about it. But thats just me I have been burned in the past by similar circumstances. Try to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling and ask him questions as to why he is allowing this woman to send him these messages.

If you are still finding it hard to trust him and are questioning his motives you can always get one of those keystroke trackers and install it on his computer. I am NOT condoning this tactic but if it becomes more of an issue than it already is it's an option.

[DEDixon 39]

As you can see OP, the responses are as wide as the Pacific Ocean so......... you have to decide what is okay with you. Sorry to be blunt, but if you can't take it, leave the guy and go home.

For me, it is a lot less stressful to open my email, keep it open all day, for my wife to see. I got MARRIED so I can't think of anything, not one thing, that I would hide or want to keep private from my wife. Privacy between husband and wife is freaking crazy, in my opinion, unless it has to do with national security. I mean if he goes to the doctor for something embarrassing, does he keep it a secret? Does he hide the balance of the checking accounts or credit cards from you? What other than email won't he let you know about? If he doesn't demand privacy outside of email, you have to seriously wonder, why does email have to be private.

I'm thinking that the only reason your husband won't give you access is because he is afraid of what might arrive in his inbox before he has the opportunity to delete it.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I don't get the 'he won't allow me' bit, nor do I understand his rationale with the 'I told her I'm married' thing. I'd be very bothered.

What I also see though, is a trend of couples to share passwords with things like facebook, for one. Many of my friends' partners will log onto fb and change their SO's status...I don't get that at all. One of my v good friends emailed me and told me his gf had a problem with me, felt insecure, etc...and then he asked me to not contact him thru fb anymore, that he'd chat with me at work. We are old, very close friends, she's a new gf. There is absolutely nothing between us whatsoever. How is that trustworthy? He's essentially betrayed her by telling me, and she prolly thinks it's great that she has his password, but what's that amt to if there's a 'don't msg me on fb anymore, use my email' warning?

The point is, you can 'police' your partner as much as you want, but at the end of the day, there will be a way if (s)he is looking to keep something from you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any answers for you...it certainly is a complicated issue.

1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.

Especially if the nude pics are hot.

[luckytxn 2,263]

You say you trust him but not the babes around him? Bull. You either trust him or not and if you trust him then do not worry about hot babes around.

Going through his private accounts was a huge wrong you did and now you are wanting to put the blame on him. That is wrong and you should be ashamed.

[Nik+Heather 121]

As you can see OP, the responses are as wide as the Pacific Ocean so......... you have to decide what is okay with you. Sorry to be blunt, but if you can't take it, leave the guy and go home.

For me, it is a lot less stressful to open my email, keep it open all day, for my wife to see. I got MARRIED so I can't think of anything, not one thing, that I would hide or want to keep private from my wife. Privacy between husband and wife is freaking crazy, in my opinion, unless it has to do with national security. I mean if he goes to the doctor for something embarrassing, does he keep it a secret? Does he hide the balance of the checking accounts or credit cards from you? What other than email won't he let you know about? If he doesn't demand privacy outside of email, you have to seriously wonder, why does email have to be private.

I'm thinking that the only reason your husband won't give you access is because he is afraid of what might arrive in his inbox before he has the opportunity to delete it.

Here's a less extreme case of wanting email to be private:

Husband buys beautiful anniversary present for wifey online.

Nosey wifey reads the husband's email.

Nosey wifey sees the present receipt, and ruins the surprise.

Perfectly legitimate reason to want email to be, in general, private.

[ScottThuy 140]

As you can see OP, the responses are as wide as the Pacific Ocean so......... you have to decide what is okay with you. Sorry to be blunt, but if you can't take it, leave the guy and go home.

For me, it is a lot less stressful to open my email, keep it open all day, for my wife to see. I got MARRIED so I can't think of anything, not one thing, that I would hide or want to keep private from my wife. Privacy between husband and wife is freaking crazy, in my opinion, unless it has to do with national security. I mean if he goes to the doctor for something embarrassing, does he keep it a secret? Does he hide the balance of the checking accounts or credit cards from you? What other than email won't he let you know about? If he doesn't demand privacy outside of email, you have to seriously wonder, why does email have to be private.

I'm thinking that the only reason your husband won't give you access is because he is afraid of what might arrive in his inbox before he has the opportunity to delete it.

Here's a less extreme case of wanting email to be private:

Husband buys beautiful anniversary present for wifey online.

Nosey wifey reads the husband's email.

Nosey wifey sees the present receipt, and ruins the surprise.

Perfectly legitimate reason to want email to be, in general, private.

Maybe he's gonna surprise her with another woman for a 3-some... researching alternatives... oops the cats outa the bag

[Bobby+Umit 161]

If Umit caught me doing this (having an online "relationship" with another women, who sends nude pictures, and calls me baby), she would leave me.

Prior to getting engaged, we had a heart to heart discussion, and cheating, no matter how small, was grounds for us to divorce.

I'm not saying your hubby is cheating - that is up to you and you alone will have to make that decision.

Now - to the OP, you have a doubt, and like they used to teach in the military,

"when there is a doubt, there is no doubt"

[missmissy 38]

If Umit caught me doing this (having an online "relationship" with another women, who sends nude pictures, and calls me baby), she would leave me.

Prior to getting engaged, we had a heart to heart discussion, and cheating, no matter how small, was grounds for us to divorce.

I'm not saying your hubby is cheating - that is up to you and you alone will have to make that decision.

Now - to the OP, you have a doubt, and like they used to teach in the military,

"when there is a doubt, there is no doubt"

We had the same chat and I agree. Once you have that first doubt, it's very difficult to get over it and move on.....it lingers like a fart in a divers helmut.

Edited July 19, 2009 by missmissy

[JVKn'CVO 11]

There is privacy between a married couple to maintain some individuality. This is not the same as having "privacy" to cheat. Exchanging nude pictures with a woman is a serious deal. You need to address the issue at hand, which is that he has disrespected you and your marriage. Discussing the "right to privacy" is stirring away from the main problem.

Saludos,

Caro

[Ban Hammer 12,840]

I don't get the 'he won't allow me' bit, nor do I understand his rationale with the 'I told her I'm married' thing. I'd be very bothered.

What I also see though, is a trend of couples to share passwords with things like facebook, for one. Many of my friends' partners will log onto fb and change their SO's status...I don't get that at all. One of my v good friends emailed me and told me his gf had a problem with me, felt insecure, etc...and then he asked me to not contact him thru fb anymore, that he'd chat with me at work. We are old, very close friends, she's a new gf. There is absolutely nothing between us whatsoever. How is that trustworthy? He's essentially betrayed her by telling me, and she prolly thinks it's great that she has his password, but what's that amt to if there's a 'don't msg me on fb anymore, use my email' warning?

The point is, you can 'police' your partner as much as you want, but at the end of the day, there will be a way if (s)he is looking to keep something from you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any answers for you...it certainly is a complicated issue.

1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.

Especially if the nude pics are hot.

i was talking about lisa's situation, which i quoted. if you are saying there's nude pics involved in that, i'm heading for my nuclear fallout shelter.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I don't get the 'he won't allow me' bit, nor do I understand his rationale with the 'I told her I'm married' thing. I'd be very bothered.

What I also see though, is a trend of couples to share passwords with things like facebook, for one. Many of my friends' partners will log onto fb and change their SO's status...I don't get that at all. One of my v good friends emailed me and told me his gf had a problem with me, felt insecure, etc...and then he asked me to not contact him thru fb anymore, that he'd chat with me at work. We are old, very close friends, she's a new gf. There is absolutely nothing between us whatsoever. How is that trustworthy? He's essentially betrayed her by telling me, and she prolly thinks it's great that she has his password, but what's that amt to if there's a 'don't msg me on fb anymore, use my email' warning?

The point is, you can 'police' your partner as much as you want, but at the end of the day, there will be a way if (s)he is looking to keep something from you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any answers for you...it certainly is a complicated issue.

1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.

Especially if the nude pics are hot.

i was talking about lisa's situation, which i quoted. if you are saying there's nude pics involved in that, i'm heading for my nuclear fallout shelter.

I meant the OP.

[msu17 0]

I know all of my husbands passwords, and any that I don't know I can easily guess. He has all of mine or can easily guess them. My husband has a knack for attracting women who don't understand boundries such as engagement or marriage... He has always told me every time a person like this contacts him and shows me the text/e-mail/IM. Because he does this, I never feel the need to snoop around in his e-mail or whatever.

I think there does need to be some level of privacy in a marriage (I don't want him knowing every penny I spend, or some weird medical thing or something like that) but if he really wanted to know I would tell him. However, when the privacy issue is regarding some stupid ####### sending gross pics to your husband, there is no acceptable privacy line unless you agreed to an open marriage beforehand.