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brendon1101rebz

privacy between married couple

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Philippines
Timeline

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.


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Hello Rebz... I am sorry this happened. As a woman, I know exactly how you feel. I am not married to Brian yet and I also have not married someone else in the past. But I have always believed that there should be no secrets between couples, especially those married already. I have grown up with parents who have no secrets between them and being an only child and daughter I always thought that this is the way to be. I really do not know what to say about this, but if you are asking what you feel is right or wrong, then what I will say is it is a feeling, an emotion and it is neither right nor wrong. This is an issue of trust. And yet, honesty in itself is truest when no one is looking.

Here's one thing I am sure of though... anything you do in secret is most often illicitly "suspect"


Life is beautiful!

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Filed: Country: United Kingdom
Timeline
ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

Erm, wut?

He is allowing a girl to send him nude pictures? And it's okay cause he told her he was married?

You shouldn't have checked his emails and stuff but, since you did, the damage is done. He needs to stop accepting emails from this girl - stick your foot down.

If he refuses then he has no respect for you and isn't worth your time.

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Morocco
Timeline

for us yes there is privacy with passwords, he talks to his friends as do i mine. BUT i know neither of us include nude pictures of anyone....I had alot of friends online before i married and they are all very aware I AM MARRRIED and the conversations include such, nothing to hide. He talks to his friends and i have no idea what he is saying (due to language), we have no reason to suspect


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I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, JUST NOT THE ABILITY

LIKE THE MEASLES, LOVE IS MOST DANGEROUS WHEN IT COMES LATER IN LIFE

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I MAY NOT BE WHERE I WANT TO BE BUT IM SURE NOT WHERE I WAS

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Colombia
Timeline

If there is ever just one a key element in a successful marriage, it's trust, without complete trust in each other, you really don't have anything. Not only in playing around, but in all financial matters as well and one thing about marrying a foreigner, USCIS demands to see all of the joint things like shared bank accounts and ownership. That is something you don't have to do if you marry a USC here plus signing that I-864, man, can you get creamed with that.

Trust relies somewhat on having that gut feeling, either everything is okay or little subtle things create doubts, that is the start of it. And if you can't talk these things over, you really have problems. Your spouse is either number one, or zero. Can only ask why is your spouse fooling around with others and not you?

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Filed: Timeline

I don't get the 'he won't allow me' bit, nor do I understand his rationale with the 'I told her I'm married' thing. I'd be very bothered.

What I also see though, is a trend of couples to share passwords with things like facebook, for one. Many of my friends' partners will log onto fb and change their SO's status...I don't get that at all. One of my v good friends emailed me and told me his gf had a problem with me, felt insecure, etc...and then he asked me to not contact him thru fb anymore, that he'd chat with me at work. We are old, very close friends, she's a new gf. There is absolutely nothing between us whatsoever. How is that trustworthy? He's essentially betrayed her by telling me, and she prolly thinks it's great that she has his password, but what's that amt to if there's a 'don't msg me on fb anymore, use my email' warning?

The point is, you can 'police' your partner as much as you want, but at the end of the day, there will be a way if (s)he is looking to keep something from you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any answers for you...it certainly is a complicated issue.

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Filed: Timeline
Personally if I had to 'chat' with my 'friend' at work instead of his home (under those circumstances), I wouldn't 'chat' with him at all.

I haven't talked to him since, actually. Very sad situation indeed.

ETA: He is just a friend...no need for " " there...maybe I'm being overly sensitive in pointing this out, but it's really important to me to stress how platonic it always has been between us.

Edited by Happy Bunny

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Filed: Other Timeline
Personally if I had to 'chat' with my 'friend' at work instead of his home (under those circumstances), I wouldn't 'chat' with him at all.

I haven't talked to him since, actually. Very sad situation indeed.

ETA: He is just a friend...no need for " " there...maybe I'm being overly sensitive in pointing this out, but it's really important to me to stress how platonic it always has been between us.

The quotes have nothing to do with anybody else's perception of your friendship. It has to do with your perception, his perception, and the girlfriend's perception.

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Filed: Timeline
Personally if I had to 'chat' with my 'friend' at work instead of his home (under those circumstances), I wouldn't 'chat' with him at all.

I haven't talked to him since, actually. Very sad situation indeed.

ETA: He is just a friend...no need for " " there...maybe I'm being overly sensitive in pointing this out, but it's really important to me to stress how platonic it always has been between us.

The quotes have nothing to do with anybody else's perception of your friendship. It has to do with your perception, his perception, and the girlfriend's perception.

Okay cool.

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Filed: Country: Philippines
Timeline
ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You didn't do anything wrong, IMO, and he's violating your trust. He should be able to have his own privacy to a point, but not for chatting with other girls online for sex. If I were you, I'd tell him we're going to get couple's counseling or I'm going back home.

Edited by Col. 'Bat' Guano

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Brazil
Timeline
I don't get the 'he won't allow me' bit, nor do I understand his rationale with the 'I told her I'm married' thing. I'd be very bothered.

What I also see though, is a trend of couples to share passwords with things like facebook, for one. Many of my friends' partners will log onto fb and change their SO's status...I don't get that at all. One of my v good friends emailed me and told me his gf had a problem with me, felt insecure, etc...and then he asked me to not contact him thru fb anymore, that he'd chat with me at work. We are old, very close friends, she's a new gf. There is absolutely nothing between us whatsoever. How is that trustworthy? He's essentially betrayed her by telling me, and she prolly thinks it's great that she has his password, but what's that amt to if there's a 'don't msg me on fb anymore, use my email' warning?

The point is, you can 'police' your partner as much as you want, but at the end of the day, there will be a way if (s)he is looking to keep something from you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any answers for you...it certainly is a complicated issue.

1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.


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Filed: Timeline
1. i think he's trying to appease her rather than take the hard line and tell her no.

2. he's telling the why to you rather than leave you wondering, and he feels he owes you an explanation.

3. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. i can understand his actions.

1. that's just a fancy way to say he's lying...

2. Perhaps he does owe me an explanation, but if I were in her shoes, I'd feel exceptionally betrayed by it. Couples should have more loyalty to each other rather than to their friends. If I told my man that I felt threatened by a female friend of his, I'd be mortified if he actually told her.

3. He is, but part of being an honorable person is doing the right thing even when it's difficult. He had a choice a or b, not some hybrid to try to appease both.

I do think it's quite ludicrous the way our friendship has become an issue for them...I cannot understand how that happened. But now that it is, he needed to either stand his ground and say 'there's no reason to ask me to do this, and if you can't trust me, then leave'...or he needed to honor her wishes and truly call the friendship quits. This middle of the road is not right, and not fair to anyone.

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