My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[Sunshine9 0]

I recommend marriage counseling. Many times counselors talk to both of you, and bring out things in your deep thoughts that you may have a rough time expressing them on your own. Please do not give up quickly. get professional help.

Sunshine

Don't do anything in a hurry,though.

I think this is absolutely the best advice

Not sure if I agree with the time away advice though.

Time away just gives both of you time to wonder what the other is thinking...doing...preparing to do.

I think now is the time to face each other, and get to the bottom of it.

Let it be known, how you feel and what your expectations are.

Give him an opportunity to either come clean, or dig his hole deeper with lies.

From the truth, you can build mountains of love. From lies, you can only dig holes of despair.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I would concur with Sunshine. This is bothering you and you are talking yourself in circles about the issues. You can definitely use the resources of a knowledgeable and compassionate counselor to talk your mutual ways through the issue. You both have to hear what the other is saying, even if you don't like it, and then come to an agreement about how to proceed from here on. Marriage is hard work, especially in the early days, and there is a lot of accommodation that each must make for the other. Throw in different cultures, being miles from home and boredom and you do have a recipe for problems.

Two good friends of mine had what appeared to be the ideal marriage. He idolized her and she knew it and didn't abuse it. One afternoon we were talking and we started to talk about trust in relationships. I commented on how wonderful their relationship was. She told me it wasn't always that way, that earlier in their marriage he had cheated on her. She found out and it nearly tore their marriage apart. When he saw that he was in imminent danger of losing her, reality hit him hard. He knew he had behaved like an idiot. From then on his goal became trying to prove to her that she could trust him if she would only let him try. She loved him and decided she take the chance. The two of them worked on their marriage, she on forgiveness and he on earning her trust. Was it easy? No. But now, many years later they each know it was worth it. He never repeated the offense - never even wanted to - because he knew just how good a woman his wife was and he didn't want to lose her. She knows now in ways she never could before that she can trust him 100%. He learned the value of their relationship the hard way.

Give your husband the opportunity to prove that he can be trustworthy. He made some stupid mistakes but he may have learned a very valuable lesson from this mistake - just how important you are to him. Give him the opportunity to prove to you he can be trusted. If he blows it a second time then perhaps it is time to move on, but for now, give the two of you a chance. Working with a counselor will help you to address your feelings of anger and betrayal and sadness so that you can move on to forgiveness.

Good luck.

Edited January 1, 2009 by Kathryn41

[bhajishah 4]

If you gonna be spying around on him and all , then you will always be mommy to him. Most husband want to be treated and respectected like men When and if he leaves then you will have y our answers. Why go around acting a freak you will drive everyone around including yourself nuts.

[bhajishah 4]

sexy time him to death make him forget his fear of commitment to one and remind him he married and get it for real now!! unless he premature jakulator then you mite have prbs.

[desert_fox 32]

Are any of the keys sticking on the keyboard???

[TBoneTX 43,507]

OK, original poster -- I talked with the wife (Ecuatoriana, as stated). Relevant sidebar: On Gnu Year's Eve, she phoned her dad's half of the family in Quito, and ALL of the women urged her to "serve him -- do everything for him -- serve him well!" (me, husband) so that I will stay with her and stay happy. What a crock, but further evidence of the pervasive Machismo down there. Afterwards, when I told the wife that she should have told those relatives that I had done FOUR (urgh) loads of laundry on Sunday, she looked horrified and said, "Oh, they'd never forgive me -- to them, I would be a very bad wife!" Double crock, but further evidence. I then "commanded" her to serve me, and she said "Shaddap." I shaddapped, si man ("yes, Dear; si, Carino").

The wife, by the way, remained single (all 33 years -- far beyond "old maid" down there!) till she met me, and NEVER would have had the patience to marry an Ecuatoriano, no man. She agrees that Peru is even worse for Machismo, probably worst in all of South America (even more so than Colombia). She says that the couple of lesser macho reactions that you mention (irritation at your spending time out with your amigas, etc.) are evidence that he has been typically affected by the natural macho culture there -- understandable. This requires working with those macho elements that you can stand.

She listened carefully to your situation as I summarized and then detailed it. She says:

1. Above all, do NOT in any way underestimate the culture shock, uprootedness, or fish-out-of-water syndrome. In fact, this could be the root of the whole situation.

(I will add to this my male perspective that, all too often, stuff bugs us, but we can't pinpoint in our heads what it is, much less articulate it or discuss it; therefore, we ACT, too often irresponsibly or stupidly, or at least thoughtlessly in the eyes of women. This elaborates on what I all-too-breezily wrote earlier: "women talk, men act." Now, back to the wife:)

2. Keep your eyes open for any CLEAR (that's an emphasis) further sign of actual (overt) unfaithfulness. Avoid overreacting unless something else happens that's CLEAR. There are obvious positive aspects to your current relationship, and to the situation, aside from his uprootedness.

3. It's important to know either your respective ages, or (your preference) what the age-difference is and which of you is younger. If you feel uncomfortable posting this openly, please send me a PM with it.

The wife is a happy-go-lucky loca much of the time (and she's engrossed in her favorite telenovela as I write this), but she is very wise indeed, and I respectfully hope that you'll duly consider her words. Gracias, by the way, for so graciously accepting what I've written thus far and for your attentive replies, si man!

[GiGii 4]

I'm so incredibly surprised with all the empathy for the cheating guy. What a load of #######!

He wasnt passing time, he could have been watching tv, listening to music, talking a walk. While having a sneaky double profile, secret email, saying "I love you" to other women, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's Peruvian or American. His statement "everyone in Peru is in love with someone online" only goes to show this wasnt a big deal to him.

If it were me, I'd give him a piece of my mind. This is not "everyone's" relationship, this is OURS. We have our rules, such as honesty & fidelity. Actually meeting up with the girl & kissing her (or whatever else happened) is not passing time, its cheating, its lieing, its hiding, its deceit.

The sad part in all this, is I dont think he's remorseful, he's just trying to mend the relationship together for whatever reason. I would have a very detailed discussion with him, that he's at fault, and HE needs to correct it. No internet for him, no profile on networking sites for a while. Install the program that lets you know exactly what he's doing on the net to see if he's honest. I know people will say this doesnt build trust, cause she isnt trusting what he says. But he needs to EARN her trust now, its him who has to bear the burdern.

And above all, NO VISITS HOME SOLO. No visits for 2 months. He's in the US, you worked hard to get him here, here is his home. If he doesnt like the conditions, they are too restricting for a cheater, then you know he's not honest in showing you he wont do it again.

On a side note... just cause I'm evil and would want revenge on this #######, I'd make him call the girl, with me next to him, and tell her he's married, he doesnt love her, not to contact him, and all that jazz. Yes make him feel like a piece of #######, you didnt deserve him treating you like this!

[DanielParul 50]

I'm so incredibly surprised with all the empathy for the cheating guy. What a load of #######!

He wasnt passing time, he could have been watching tv, listening to music, talking a walk. While having a sneaky double profile, secret email, saying "I love you" to other women, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's Peruvian or American. His statement "everyone in Peru is in love with someone online" only goes to show this wasnt a big deal to him.

If it were me, I'd give him a piece of my mind. This is not "everyone's" relationship, this is OURS. We have our rules, such as honesty & fidelity. Actually meeting up with the girl & kissing her (or whatever else happened) is not passing time, its cheating, its lieing, its hiding, its deceit.

The sad part in all this, is I dont think he's remorseful, he's just trying to mend the relationship together for whatever reason. I would have a very detailed discussion with him, that he's at fault, and HE needs to correct it. No internet for him, no profile on networking sites for a while. Install the program that lets you know exactly what he's doing on the net to see if he's honest. I know people will say this doesnt build trust, cause she isnt trusting what he says. But he needs to EARN her trust now, its him who has to bear the burdern.

And above all, NO VISITS HOME SOLO. No visits for 2 months. He's in the US, you worked hard to get him here, here is his home. If he doesnt like the conditions, they are too restricting for a cheater, then you know he's not honest in showing you he wont do it again.

On a side note... just cause I'm evil and would want revenge on this #######, I'd make him call the girl, with me next to him, and tell her he's married, he doesnt love her, not to contact him, and all that jazz. Yes make him feel like a piece of #######, you didnt deserve him treating you like this!

There's 100s here who go through the same thing and do not resort to what he did. If he really is remorseful and you both want to work on this relationship, give him a chance but remember, he has to earn the trust back now, u don't hv to give it to him hoping this time he will not break it. All the best

[TBoneTX 43,507]

...IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's Peruvian or American.

The behavior is not acceptable if you're an American. The behavior is very common, even pervasive, in Peru and many other South & Central American countries. The women there don't like it either, understandably, but most will put up with it, for numerous reasons. As stated, the guy needs to be socked between the eyes with this stark cultural difference and with the crucial need to adhere strictly to the American way of behavior if he wishes to be and remain married to a Norteamericana.

We can be as vehement about our own culturally framed opinions of (un)acceptable behavior as we want; however, it is unfair to blame him for how he was raised or where he grew up. Re-read what the original poster said about his earlier life and what a Latina said about such behavior. If we went to most of Latin America and started stating that such behavior IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's [Latino] or American, we would likely be met with blank stares, shrugs, or quizzical looks from both men and women. That's simply the way that society remains in many places down there.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

...IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's Peruvian or American.

The behavior is not acceptable if you're an American. The behavior is very common, even pervasive, in Peru and many other South & Central American countries. The women there don't like it either, understandably, but most will put up with it, for numerous reasons. As stated, the guy needs to be socked between the eyes with this stark cultural difference and with the crucial need to adhere strictly to the American way of behavior if he wishes to be and remain married to a Norteamericana.

We can be as vehement about our own culturally framed opinions of (un)acceptable behavior as we want; however, it is unfair to blame him for how he was raised or where he grew up. Re-read what the original poster said about his earlier life and what a Latina said about such behavior. If we went to most of Latin America and started stating that such behavior IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's [Latino] or American, we would likely be met with blank stares, shrugs, or quizzical looks from both men and women. That's simply the way that society remains in many places down there.

Could you possibly be more stereotypical? Really, #######.

[TBoneTX 43,507]

Could you possibly be more stereotypical? Really, #######.

Mexican men are known for macho behavior, too. However, Cuban men (as one other Latin American example) are generally not, as I understand. The question is, is the OP's husband automatically and 100% a willful pig who should be dispatched and divorced (likely the most common stereotypical view from a U.S. female standpoint), or are there culturally influenced behavioral adjustments that need to be made (in this instance, by him)? We have heard from both sides.

Other examples of cultural differences (perhaps just as offensive as the husband's behavior, or less so, or more so): In parts of southeastern Asia, people eat dogs. In South America, people eat guinea pigs (called "cuy"). In fast-food restaurants, the cuy is advertised right next to the chicken (pollo) in medium and large sizes, and one can choose how it is cooked. My reaction as an American -- colored by my cultural upbringing -- is that we don't eat PETS! In those other countries, conversely, it's acceptable behavior. Which view is "right"?

Of possible interest: http://gosouthamerica.about.com/od/cuisine/a/cuy.htm

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Could you possibly be more stereotypical? Really, #######.

Mexican men are known for macho behavior, too. However, Cuban men (as one other Latin American example) are generally not, as I understand. The question is, is the OP's husband automatically and 100% a willful pig who should be dispatched and divorced (likely the most common stereotypical view from a U.S. female standpoint), or are there culturally influenced behavioral adjustments that need to be made (in this instance, by him)? We have heard from both sides.

Other examples of cultural differences (perhaps just as offensive as the husband's behavior, or less so, or more so): In parts of southeastern Asia, people eat dogs. In South America, people eat guinea pigs (called "cuy"). In fast-food restaurants, the cuy is advertised right next to the chicken (pollo) in medium and large sizes, and one can choose how it is cooked. My reaction as an American -- colored by my cultural upbringing -- is that we don't eat PETS! In those other countries, conversely, it's acceptable behavior. Which view is "right"?

Of possible interest: http://gosouthamerica.about.com/od/cuisine/a/cuy.htm

Sure. Of course. You would know much better than me . Seriously, you are being stereotypical, just say so. My family has a lot of men, and I still have to see this macho attitude.

[Ling Ling 22]

Could you possibly be more stereotypical? Really, #######.

Mexican men are known for macho behavior, too. However, Cuban men (as one other Latin American example) are generally not, as I understand. The question is, is the OP's husband automatically and 100% a willful pig who should be dispatched and divorced (likely the most common stereotypical view from a U.S. female standpoint), or are there culturally influenced behavioral adjustments that need to be made (in this instance, by him)? We have heard from both sides.

Other examples of cultural differences (perhaps just as offensive as the husband's behavior, or less so, or more so): In parts of southeastern Asia, people eat dogs. In South America, people eat guinea pigs (called "cuy"). In fast-food restaurants, the cuy is advertised right next to the chicken (pollo) in medium and large sizes, and one can choose how it is cooked. My reaction as an American -- colored by my cultural upbringing -- is that we don't eat PETS! In those other countries, conversely, it's acceptable behavior. Which view is "right"?

Of possible interest: http://gosouthamerica.about.com/od/cuisine/a/cuy.htm

Indigenous menus or eating habits are not the same as pre-judging that people from a certain region have a propensity to the ill treatment of women.

Even if it were true, then I still would say, "It's your parents fault for the way you are, it's your fault if you stay that way".

Seriously, what mother would raise her son to look down on women, as tradition?

It's great that your wife found a good guy like you...but had she looked further, she would have found a good guy in her native land.

Random circumstances of birth do not define a person.

[TBoneTX 43,507]

Sure. Of course. You would know much better than me . Seriously, you are being stereotypical, just say so. My family has a lot of men, and I still have to see this macho attitude.

You're fortunate, then. First, please ask yourself now, as I have done with myself: Whether or not you agree with my posted statements, how are your posts possibly helping the OP? Next, please search my previous posts and the OP's responses to them, and -- by cutting & pasting -- cite for all of us exactly where she dismisses my suggestions of cultural influences out-of-hand as unreasonable. Finally, please answer the questions that were posed in my last post. Thank you!

[TBoneTX 43,507]

Random circumstances of birth do not define a person.

You're very right that they SHOULDN'T, yet they can, especially when the person isn't exposed to any other way after he is born and when he is being raised.