Did anyone go through a depression phase?

[CJlove 147]

My hubby has been in the US for 3 months now. He is trying to adjust. He found a job last month but he is hating it. He said, it is not his field. He is struggling with the language barrier. He misses his friends and family. We are not use to living together for this long period. I mean 3 months is not that long, but considering our past long distance relationship, this has been the longest we have been together. So, we have been arguing and not talking. I am just wondering, is this normal? Or is it just us? 

[M&JB 80]

Completely normal. I have been in the US for 5 years and did not really get to adjust until after a year and a half. Felt homesick, depressed, and even thought of coming home. But got all through it with some new found hobbies, a lot of face time with families back home, and communication with my husband. 

 

Maybe go out more on the weekends and talk more with each other? Has he been talking to his family back home? More communication, maybe? Every story is different, so maybe try to figure out what can help both of you. 

 

Good luck.

[CJlove 147]

1 minute ago, M&JB said:

Has he been talking to his family back home?

Yes, he does talk to his family. They text on whatsapp and FaceTime on weekends. Thank you. I wish things would get better soon... 

[Cryssiekins 976]

Definitely normal.

 

Marriage itself is hard, and going from a long distance relationship where all face time during visits was happy, you get hit with the reality of truly sharing a life pretty hard.  Being homesick is also normal.  Depending on where someone comes from, lifestyles in the US can be a form of shell shock.

 

It DOES get better though.  You have to remember to communicate, and try to remember to be a little more patient when he upsets you since this is a big change.  Things will normalize and balance, and then you’ll remember the love that brought you together in the first place.

[M&JB 80]

4 minutes ago, CJlove said:

Yes, he does talk to his family. They text on whatsapp and FaceTime on weekends. Thank you. I wish things would get better soon... 

Everybody go through the homesickness phase, so I suggest sitting down and talk to each other. Try to remember the long distance relationship you had with each other before you were together. Fights are normal as well, don’t dwell too much on them and instead focus on how to make your relationship work and communicate more. 

[MalinB 51]

As everyone has already said, totally normal. There are five stages a person goes through when moving to a new country, Google “stages of culture shock” and you can read more about it. It is really hard to move to a new place, especially when you depend on one person like many of us do here on VJ. 

 

Tips that have helped me:

- talk to people back home (of course)

- find friends in the new area (attend church, take some type of class, do things where you communicate with others). I found it really important to have my own network of friends, separate from my significant other

- look on for example Facebook (groups) if there is anyone in your area in the same situation. It’s helpful to meet with others who can understand what he is going through, and maybe even speak his language

- plan fun things, I made sure I always had something to look forward to. It didn’t have to be anything major, but a concert, a weekend trip, stuff that would keep me positive

- realize what is going on and that it IS a passing phase. Things will get better, but it takes time so you will just have to be patient with him 😊

 

 

 

[Ontarkie 13,915]

The hard part for me was everything being different. The southern slang/accent still makes it hard for me at times.

I complained and hated it here 99% of the time for the first 3 years. I was ready to go home everyday.

OMG the spiders would freak me out here and I would be a mess. Heck I swore my dog couldn't understand the other dogs here and she never really adjusted either. Couldn't take her for walks or to the dog park. She would just whine and vibrate something she has never done before. Heck we used to live where bears and cougars would be out and she would be fine. But the dogs here she never liked. 

 

It's been like the last 4 out the 10 1/2 years I've been here that it actually feels like home. It gets better, but in the mean time don't take it personally when he complains of everything. I don't know how I didn't drive my husband nuts but he would just agree with me and let me know how he understood the sacrifice we made and what we gave up. It was my kids and I that made this move so he became a family of 6 pretty much over night. 

 

 

[CJlove 147]

15 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

The hard part for me was everything being different. The southern slang/accent still makes it hard for me at times.

I complained and hated it here 99% of the time for the first 3 years. I was ready to go home everyday.

OMG the spiders would freak me out here and I would be a mess. Heck I swore my dog couldn't understand the other dogs here and she never really adjusted either. Couldn't take her for walks or to the dog park. She would just whine and vibrate something she has never done before. Heck we used to live where bears and cougars would be out and she would be fine. But the dogs here she never liked. 

 

It's been like the last 4 out the 10 1/2 years I've been here that it actually feels like home. It gets better, but in the mean time don't take it personally when he complains of everything. I don't know how I didn't drive my husband nuts but he would just agree with me and let me know how he understood the sacrifice we made and what we gave up. It was my kids and I that made this move so he became a family of 6 pretty much over night. 

 

 

Wow, thank you for sharing. Hearing this, I should be more patient with my hubby.

 

We have been fighting so much... 

 

Okay, patience and understanding his sacrifice to be here with me. Thank you so much for sharing. 😌🥰

[Going through 5,668]

Absolutely normal.  Adjusting to a new marriage/living with someone is hard enough on its own---throw in adjusting to a new culture, new language, new surroundings, new job and new lifestyle at the same time, and it's enough to cause a temporary meltdown in the household.

 

My husband and I fought nearly every day for the first couple of years I was here.  I've been living in the US since 2004, and it's only the last year since getting citizenship that America has started to feel like "home" to me.

 

What can be difficult for the USC to understand is that everything they take for "granted" is completely foreign to the foreigner---I remember, in the early days, being upset because I no longer knew what brands were better than other brands in the grocery store, I had no idea where to get the "best" cup of coffee anymore, even figuring out how to pay to get on public transit was so different.   After a while it can seem very overwhelming and frustrating and you can begin to feel quite alone in your struggles of learning how to do basic everyday things that seem so commonplace to everyone else around you. 

 

I don't know if I ever felt really depressed----but I was always frustrated and feeling like my spouse didn't understand what I was going through.  I'd left my family, my friends, my job, my home, my familiarity, my security, etc. and for a long while I felt "trapped" in a way.  I was also quite clingy with my husband for a while (to the point of him becoming exasperated) because I mean, let's face it---he was literally the ONLY person I knew in this country before I got my first job.

 

It does get better though....and I really think the speed in which things will get better largely depends on the type of support the person receives from their spouse in those early days.

[fip & jim 452]

It's completely normal. At first it's amazing that you can be together, in the same time zone and do 'normal' things that other couples may take for granted. 

 

I began to feel very strange about six weeks after emigrating. I was tired of the food, my toiletries from home had run out so I didn't even smell like myself, my diet was different and that was affecting how I felt, I wasn't walking as much and that was affecting how I coped (walking helps me unwind). My senses felt bombarded constantly by the new environment. The cicadas and grasshoppers incessant noise at night was driving me insane. Every single time we went out someone would zone in on my accent, or the way I dress, and feel the need to point out my differences. I felt like a freak and self-conscious. Then it started to affect my self-esteem. The limitations of the AOS stage meant I couldn't do so many things. I began to feel incompetent and reliant on my husband for so many things. I felt resentful when he went to work and I was stuck at home. Basically, I was constantly irritable and didn't even feel like myself anymore. 

 

Your husband is going through major life changes all at once. Marriage. Moving. Moving to a new country. Changing jobs. One of those changes on its own is a challenge. Emigrating lumps all of them together in one horrible challenge with the added challenge that you are away from all the support and familiarity of your old life. 

 

I can't speak for your husband but I know some of my own feelings that have arisen during this have surprised me and devastated me at times. Guilt is a major feeling - guilt at leaving people behind, guilt over things I never got around to doing, guilt at re-homing our cats. Resentment - resentment that I gave up so much to be with my husband, resentment that he hardly gave up anything to be with me, resentment that this situation drives a wedge between us at times and he just cannot truly know or understand how I feel, resentment that our marriage is put under this strain at the start when I wanted it to be so much better. Resentment and anger that I seem to have become an irritable, angry person. Then there's the fear - what if my husband regrets marrying this crazy mess of a woman who moans at him quite a lot of the time? What if I gave everything up and have made a massive mistake? What if USCIS deport me and I have nothing to go back to? What if my daughter is only pretending she is ok with me moving thousands of miles away, but secretly she thinks I'm selfish and is angry with me? What if she gets sick and I can't get to her when she needs me? All of these feelings can swirl around my head and feed off each other. At other times they punch me in the gut when I least expect it and I am left paralyzed and weeping. It is a grief process. I thought through all of the scenarios before committing to this. I made informed choices. It doesn't lessen the grief or homesickness to remind myself of that. 

 

I can tell you what worked for me. After arguing, at times not talking, and threatening to pack it all in and go back home I told my husband exactly what I needed. Instead of expecting him to know how I feel or what to do I told him how I felt and what to do. I communicated. He listened. And before I began to communicate and he listened I told him what to not do. I asked him to listen to how I felt without interrupting because I had some very difficult things to say that made me feel vulnerable and scared. I asked him not to come up with solutions because I just needed to be heard and understood. I asked him to not get defensive and scared in reaction to what I said, that these feelings were not a reflection of my feelings for him but a reaction to the stress I was feeling. I asked him to be willing to hear the mess of thoughts that were jumbled up in my head. 

 

Communication is the key. You can't make your husband express his feelings but you can show him that you are willing to listen if he does. Be willing to feel scared and disappointed but recognise that it will pass. Good luck to you both. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[CJlove 147]

6 hours ago, Going through said:

frustrated and feeling like my spouse didn't understand what I was going through.  I'd left my family, my friends, my job, my home, my familiarity, my security, etc. and for a long while I felt "trapped" in a way.  I was also quite clingy with my husband for a while (to the point of him becoming exasperated) because I mean, let's face it---he was literally the ONLY person I knew in this country before I got my first job.

This is what he says, ALL THE TIME!!! His point exactly!! Yes, I admit. I would say to him, “You’re 28. Be independent! Why can’t you be more independent!” I sincerely apologized. I get it now. I understand. I am trying to have more empathy.... 

[Going through 5,668]

1 hour ago, CJlove said:

This is what he says, ALL THE TIME!!! His point exactly!! Yes, I admit. I would say to him, “You’re 28. Be independent! Why can’t you be more independent!” I sincerely apologized. I get it now. I understand. I am trying to have more empathy.... 

My husband complained on an almost daily basis that I "rushed" him at the door before he could even take his coat off, relax, etc. after work before any type of conversation...he never quite understood that I'd spent the entire day by myself not talking to anyone (even if I went shopping, I was still by myself) and I was desperate for interaction.  It was a while before I understood that, myself.

 

It was quite a while before I was authorized to work legally in the country, so I couldn't even go out to work or begin to socialize with other adults---I was 28/29, maybe?  I was independent as a person too in my home country...however when you first arrive in the US you become completely dependent on the other person for everything (financially, emotionally, learning how to get around, etc.), at least at first.

 

It's good that he now has a job (even if he hates it right now)...he'll feel better about himself once he's bringing in a regular pay cheque to contribute to living expenses, plus he's around other people which will also help him in improving his English.

 

Keep talking to each other, find out what's going on inside his head right now---tell him what's going on inside yours...because you're adjusting to having him around, too. 

 

Maybe find a good restaurant that serves up the cuisine that he's used to, and enjoy a night out together in the interim.

Edited March 17, 2019 by Going through

[DBR 36]

Not being able to work for 6 months was the worst thing for me, and it resulted in a LOT of arguments with my wife as she was working two - three contracting jobs to support us financially, I was depressed doing nothing and was not helping out around the house as I should have been with nothing to do and not being able to contribute financially... things got really bad so I decided to look into expediting my EAD and luckily I got it approved. She then rushed me into getting a different part-time job I was not happy with, and I didn't last there too long as a result. Once we sat down and agreed to communicate properly before we had an argument with one another things got better, and once I got a job in my profession things have drastically improved and it's great that I can provide financially and get health benefits for the both of us.

[fip & jim 452]

5 hours ago, CJlove said:

This is what he says, ALL THE TIME!!! His point exactly!! Yes, I admit. I would say to him, “You’re 28. Be independent! Why can’t you be more independent!” I sincerely apologized. I get it now. I understand. I am trying to have more empathy.... 

It's really good that you recognise that and have done something about it. 

 

4 hours ago, Going through said:

Maybe find a good restaurant that serves up the cuisine that he's used to, and enjoy a night out together in the interim.

This is a really good suggestion. My husband is very good at showing me how he appreciates that I'm homesick. For a Christmas gift, he found a store that carried some English food and went there in his lunch break to pick me up some small but very thoughtful things that I was missing and craving. Sometimes I find a bar of chocolate he has hidden in my drawer for me to find, or he researches my culture and suggests we watch a TV show. It doesn't have to be extravagant, it's those thoughtful touches that mean a lot. 

 

4 hours ago, Going through said:

Keep talking to each other, find out what's going on inside his head right now---tell him what's going on inside yours...because you're adjusting to having him around, too. 

This is a very good point. You are both learning how to be together and are put in this stressful situation. He probably dislikes feeling dependent on you and it is a lot of responsibility for you too. It's important for you to take care of yourself. It's the situation that causes the imbalance. 

 

Another thought I had was does your husband connect with other people going through similar experiences? I have found great support on here and I honestly don't know how I would have got through it without that. It's a relief to connect with people that get it and are from your home country. Do you know how to find the Chile portal on here? Even if it's something small, like asking where to find food or recommendations, it can be a good resource to have practically as you adjust. 

[CJlove 147]

3 hours ago, fip & jim said:

Another thought I had was does your husband connect with other people going through similar experiences? I have found great support on here and I honestly don't know how I would have got through it without that. It's a relief to connect with people that get it and are from your home country. Do you know how to find the Chile portal on here? Even if it's something small, like asking where to find food or recommendations, it can be a good resource to have practically as you adjust. 

We have VERY small Latino community here. We have ONE Latino restaurant that serves ONE Chilean dish... My hubby doesn’t like to make new friends. He is very reserved. He can’t seem to make friends at work. By the way, he doesn’t like his work too much and currently, looking for another job. 

 

I did order Chilean TV channel on Spectrum (Latino package), that he watches sometimes. 

 

I think as as everyone said, it is best to have some date nights as we use to when we were in long distance relationship. 

 

After hearing from all fo you, I can understand the level of his stress more. Thank you for sharing your stories everyone. 😌💛