Marital woes

[Teddy B 17,251]

Teddy you are talking to someone who isn't even married yet bro. In fact it appears that US entry is in the near future and wedding is in the intermediate future. You know that this makes him an expert on these matters LOL

I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but at 52 years old and on my second marriage I do believe I've learned a bit of what it takes to make a relationship work and what it takes to make one sour. In my opinion having close friendships with members of the opposite sex really has no upside for the relationship. Sure some folks can make it work, but for the most part it's a toxic situation that will eventually rear it's ugly head.

Like you said, it's all about respect and that respect goes both ways.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Teddy B

[jjbandero 39]

For the record, I'm 26 and he's turning 60 in a few days. I have not given anyone my contact details, be it my cell number or my house address. I have not even RSVPed to the event because I did want to see how my husband felt about it. Unfortunately, whatever I said came out wrong and it sounded as if I had already made up my mind. If my husband had just quietly voiced his reservations, I would respect that. However, he now wants me out of the house and is telling me to make plans about staying elsewhere. He keeps on saying he can't trust me anymore. I would suggest counseling but he's been against going for it even before we married. I don't know what to do now. He told me to sleep in a separate bedroom yesterday but I slept in the same bed first and he came in later. So at least he didn't wake me up or push me out.

I'm sorry that you're both going through this. It sounds like he is at a point where he is resistant to listening to suggestions on how to repair the relationship, we obviously don't know any of your past disagreements, there may have been things that were bothering him that he suppressed and chose this particular situation as his only outlet. Based on my experience, not everyone is good at articulating their emotions and prioritizing their explanations in a rational way, rightly or wrongly, he felt hurt, so he chose the easiest way to express it and possibly thinking (or simply reacting) to hurt you so you will know what it feels like. For example, here's a scenario, his sister has been making unpleasant remarks about you, he did not want to pass along her comments and simply defended you, on one hand, he is feeling negative about all these comments, on the other, you did not show your appreciation for his protectiveness (because he never told you), now with this situation, he suddenly feels that all he has done has been for nothing and lashed out.

Perhaps what you can do right now is allow him a little time to cool off (I don't mean not speaking to each other, but rather, not focus on this issue and bring it out all the time) and think about what he has said and what he would like to do, and then find an opportunity to have an open conversation, rather than put counseling as the first option, which he seems not to be open to, let the conversation continue and ask him what he thinks would bring you back to where you both want to be in the relationship. Try not to jump to solutions, but rather figure out why he is saying what he is saying and whether you fundamentally agree with his point of view. If you don't, then ask him about how he thinks such actions/words would make you feel, if he still cares deeply for you, hopefully, he will start to see things from your point of view as well.

The sister-in-law appears to be a significant influence in his life, so I think it's important that when you have your conversations, try not to bring her into it, it is a discussion about your husband's and your feelings and opinions, not what she has told him.

One last thought, I have friends who are very considerate, and they will go out of their way to make sure they do not inconvenience anyone, however, for people who doesn't understand their motives, this type of action may be interpreted as being bossy, contrary, not listening, etc. my point is, it's important not the assume that your communication is received and understood in the exact way you intended, it's better to spell it out and make sure.

Best of luck

Edited June 24, 2015 by jjbandero

[Shauna&Wael 211]

I'm surprised how terrified everybody is about GETTING A LIFT. I have done that plenty of times. Yes, on my female own, accepted lifts from male strangers.

Carpooling is totally normal here - there are internet platforms for this.

Don't be so paranoid!

Says the person who ends up in the bottom of the ditch. It's a roll of the dice, your dumb decision if you want to take it.

[Marco&Bettina 502]

My wife started rooting herself before she even got here. She joined a group on Facebook of other women who came over from Germany also. All of them are Army wives but other than that, they share many commonalities. Once she got here & started to settle some, she met them in person. I had to drive her, since she didn't have a car back then. I basically went with her for the 1st meeting & didn't leave until we both were comfortable enough with that. She has been meeting them virtually every week since. When she hangs out with them, I'm usually hanging out with one of my friends. We both realize that every person needs some healthy space of their own as well. We have no reason not to trust each other. Granted, her friends are female & mine male.

Getting into a car with a stranger is not something I'd be OK with. That's why I went with her to all the meetings in the beginning & picked her up later. Now she has her own car & I trust that she will do the right things just like she trusts that I will.

[Expat1 971]

I'm surprised how terrified everybody is about GETTING A LIFT. I have done that plenty of times. Yes, on my female own, accepted lifts from male strangers.

Carpooling is totally normal here - there are internet platforms for this.

Don't be so paranoid!

Please brief us on how this internet ride with strange men arrangement thing works out for you after (not before) you are actually married and after (not before) you actually live together.

Come to think of it - same comment applies to M&S

Edited June 24, 2015 by Expat1

[ginnyirishrose 16]

I would not let anyone pick me up in a car male or female I don't know. This is just common sense this is America unfortunately not everyone has good intentions. what bothers me the most is here with his band three years or so you're married to him and he has to take you everywhere and drop you off pick you up after 3 years you don't have your own car and you say you don't have financial problem so why do you feel like you have to be picked up and dropped off everywhere but I just need trust you to get us inexpensive vehicle you would have to deal with this type of scenario

[ginnyirishrose 16]

and I don't see how the age difference is going to be Positive. my fiance is 17 years younger than I am and I asked him many times this really what you want and he said yes. but I've never questions him for trust. provided you've never shown that behavior I think he has some insecurity issues he needs to work out you going someplace how to respect and courtesy you should tell him before you make the arrangements so when you walk out the door he knows you're alright

[ginnyirishrose 16]

also being married in meeting people online cool not without telling someone where you going and when you're coming back and have them know that you're going to be okay I suggest to just meet them in a public place have him go with you the first time if he doesn't agree then you have the opportunity to least have let him know what it was all about but having a strange man pick you up and drop you off really not a right thing to do

[Unidentified 2,930]

also being married in meeting people online cool not without telling someone where you going and when you're coming back and have them know that you're going to be okay I suggest to just meet them in a public place have him go with you the first time if he doesn't agree then you have the opportunity to least have let him know what it was all about but having a strange man pick you up and drop you off really not a right thing to do

It doesn't matter if you're married or not. If you're meeting someone from the internet always meet them in a public place with lots of people around. Tell someone where you'll be, when you leave and when you'll be back. Never agree to go anywhere that is not public and do not ever get into a stranger's car.

[GurkenSalat 48]

I'm surprised how terrified everybody is about GETTING A LIFT. I have done that plenty of times. Yes, on my female own, accepted lifts from male strangers.

Carpooling is totally normal here - there are internet platforms for this.

Don't be so paranoid!

Pfft!

1. Americans are way more horrible than anyone else in the whole world

2. They will rape you, kill you, murder you, and dump your sad remains in a ditch without a second thought.

3. Oh, is the person giving a ride also an immigrant? Upon coming to America, they have turned into this horrible monster. Don't even think about it!

4. All men want and ever think about is having sex with/beginning a relationship with every random female they meet or give a ride to.

What I am trying to say: I would also be apprehensive about getting into a car with a stranger, but also consider the numbers game. It is far more likely that he is a completely normal person than a total psycho. And... maybe arrange a meeting beforehand? But everyone has been blowing this WAY out of proportion. People seem to have a penchant for drama.

What D.Ba is referring to is a thing in Germany (and maybe some other parts of Europe) where you can sign up to carpool with people going to the same destination. Yes, random people (the horror!). Like I said, I'd be apprehensive, but 99.9% of the time, it's just fine, no?

[sara..... 371]

You used the C-word (the one that ends with p not t...), that's why it did it When you get email updates you get the uncensored version so I could see what word got censored.

and thats a swear word? strange well at least i know lol

[Unidentified 2,930]

and thats a swear word? strange well at least i know lol

Not sure it counts as a swear word but more like a bad word that VJ doesn't like us to use

[tolitzpogi 37]

As almost "everyone" have said in this thread, it's not about the guy not allowing his wife to gain new friends and meet new people, it's the way the wife sprung the topic on him and the desire to take a ride with a stranger.

As has been said over and over, it's not about trust, it's about mutual respect and communication. Marriage may not mean you have to do EVERYTHING together, but it does mean you have to do MOST of them together. And don't just do your own thing whenever you want, you're no longer single, y'know... talk to your husband, for pete's sake.

If my wife asks me if she can carpool with a stranger, especially one from the opposite sex, distrust is not the first emotion - it's anxiety and fear for her safety. It's when she doesn't mention beforehand what the purpose was for the meet up and just springs it all on me and then asks me if it was okay to do so... that's when I feel a tinge of distrust.

I sincerely hope those two work it out.

Edited June 25, 2015 by tolitzpogi

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Pfft!

4. All men want and ever think about is having sex with/beginning a relationship with every random female they meet or give a ride to.

Sexist much?

The moral of this all is don't trust strangers. But I'm a little appalled that you dump all men into this kind of a category.

The bottom of you post: My wife did that carpooling with total strangers thing in Germany too, but I would not be OK with her doing that in America.

Edited June 25, 2015 by Marco&Bettina

[usmsbow 795]

Carpooling is done all the time in the USA- safely. My former boss commuted that way. My dad did it for over 20 years. No problems. It's common in many cities. It's a group thing though (pick up 2-3 people) and a bit more organized than arranging a ride via the internet for a single event.