Husband is depressed

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

In regards to driving, you also have to keep in mind in addition to never driving a car before, my husband has also been conditioned to drive on the left side of the road (he has driven motorcycles in India).

I would really like to hear from other members from the UK or other countries where driving is done on the left to get an idea of how difficult it was to get used to driving on the right.

[Mena28 35]

I have done the opposite (right hand traffic to left hand traffic) when moving from AUT to the UK.

After two weeks of walking and biking in traffic I was able to take on driving as well - I had someone with me to make sure I didnt mess up, but the only tricky thing were right turns for a few days and that was it (for him that would be left turns, as he is an the US now). As you are not only driving on the other side of the road, but also sitting on the other side of the car, that has always served as a good reminder. That was just my personal experience, however, I have Australien friends who moved to the US for whom it was similar.

The hardest part was not so much switching the first time, but switching back to right hand traffic when I moved back to AUT. Almost got run over by cars a few times, because I looked the wrong way *ups*

But I understand that driving is only part of what you are trying to find out... Hope it gets better for both of you!

[*Snowdrop* 603]

I was very worried about swapping onto the other side of the road but it doesn't actually take that long to get used to. I'd been driving for over 15 years on the left when I moved. I used to chant out loud - stay on the right, stay on the right, stay on the right to myself as I approached junctions for a little while.

Now I swap quite regularly between the US and the UK - this year I am spending three months in the UK for Christmas - so I've been saying "stay on the left" - I'm actually finding it relatively easy to switch between then two.

I second the idea of getting some online tests to practice the written one. Most states have some online practice ones you can do over and over again until you feel confident.

Re the depression - there's some research which shows that our reactions to major life changes (positive or negative) come in a wave. So with a big move like this there is an initial euphoria at arriving and getting through the big immigration hurdle and then as real life asserts itself we go on a downward wave usually hitting our lowest point about six months later. At this point if we can get over the lows then we go back up the wave and start feeling positive again. Then depending on our situation and personality and character we sometimes repeat the wave down and up a few times before reaching level water.

So it's perfectly natural to struggle with adjustments and need some time and patience to get through it. Also homesickness doesn't always hit immediately it can come and go. I've been in the States six years now and I've had periods every couple of years where I've wanted to go home but they usually pass and I feel happy and content where I am again.

[Brewlin 52]

It took me 2-3 years to get out of homesickness and culture shock, I was 26 at the time. After 4 years and some time in college, my English got so much better and then I felt at home. Now I consider the USA my true home, and want to return. Good luck!

[nitsirk7562 82]

People in the restaurant industry really have it tough. My cousin gave up being a chef because of the hours. It's a very difficult career. If he's open to a career change, I think that would help a lot. He's not too old for school! It sounds like you're encouraging him and being very supportive. Keep encouraging him to follow his interests and apply for positions that intrigue him. National guard is a pretty big commitment though. If you can find out what appeals to him specifically about it, maybe you can suggest similar jobs based on that.

Do you have a good set of snow tires? I just bought some so we can both feel safer when my fiance gets here. I learned to drive first in the snow- it's tough but just remember if you can drive in these conditions, you can drive any time, so it's probably best to learn snow first! I suggest taking him to an empty parking lot when it snows so he can feel how the car handles; my dad and I did this when I was learning.

I think he'll feel better when he has the independence of his own car and license. Hopefully that will make him feel comfortable enough to change jobs. So, I'd focus on the license first.

Quick personal note: my fiance and I are both concerned about this issue when he gets here. The advice on here is very helpful and I plan to take some of your ideas to help my fiance feel more comfortable here- so thank you for sharing.

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree that the restaurant industry is a very tough one in North America. I have friends and family who have all done it at some point or another in some position or another. Cooks have it the hardest. I have a friend that recently quit his job at a 5 star restaurant in a hotel in Louisiana. He was the Day time sous chef, and is amazingly inventive. But the hours and hard work was just taking a toll on him and he couldn't do it anymore. He loves cooking, but hates doing it for other people. And now that your husband has a job, he can afford to look for a better one. Tell him it's the American way. To keep improving yourself and finding something better until you're happy. Maybe he doesn't want to go back to school but that doesn't mean his options are limited either.

I think learning to drive in the winter is the best time. My mother made me have my learners through the winter so she could teach me to drive in snow and ice. If you or he doesn't feel comfortable teaching then by all means, get a friend or driver's ed. And an empty parking lot is a great place to start! I used to drive my mother's car around a huge parking lot at a fair ground, just learning how to go and stop, not even changing gears into 2nd, but just go and stop because it was a manual not an automatic (which I learned to drive 3 years earlier on back roads.)

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Tell ur husband it's not too late! I went back to school to get my BA it took me 5 years but I graduated at age 47! Been in my new job since. Better hours, more pay, and a real feeling of accomplishment! I was a single mother of 4. Tell him for me....he can do it! I met new friends in school too.

Sounds like you are a very supportive and understanding wife! I wish u both the best!

[mlh 93]

The lack of socialising or exposure to anyone outside the restaurant definitely doesn't sound like it helps. I'm due to move over March/April next year and part of me expects to feel homesick, I think it's only natural to miss the routines you used to have, the people you spoke to daily etc. Being alone in new place is a fear most people moving over will have. And I'm sure if not dealt with could lead to depression - though hopefully it's not too late to help.

While joining the national guard may not be you favoured option, at least it gets him out with new people that might help him feel comfortable.

Even show him this website - i know when i move over I'll be picking up advice on here if it gets tough - talking these things through definitely helps. Even if it is on a website forum,

[M and C 32]

I would really like to hear from other members from the UK or other countries where driving is done on the left to get an idea of how difficult it was to get used to driving on the right.

I'm from the Philippines, and we drive on the right. When I moved to the Bahamas years ago, I had to get used to driving on the left side. It was weird at first, but it didn't take too long before I got used to it. Then I moved here to the US and had to unlearn driving on the left side. It wasn't that bad. I'm sure your husband would do well with constant practice. What I had to learn more was looking at the blind spot before changing lanes because in the Bahamas, there are hardly any multiple lanes to switch to.

Edited December 3, 2014 by M and C

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

As an update, my husband got his learner's permit and has been driving with me here and there. We hope to have a second vehicle by the spring.

As for the work/life balance, things haven't improved much. I have been working long hours on the weekdays and he of course works every weekend so sadly we don't see each other much. When we do spend time together, he is moody and tired. He still has this overwhelming desire to join the National Guard. He has been unable to pass the ASVAB yet but he studies every day and is determined to keep trying. I admit, I am a bit disappointed he has his heart set on joining. He never mentioned joining the military before he got here, now all of the sudden it's his "dream".

All I want is to see him more and be able to spend our weekends together. He misses out on everything because of his job. He loves soccer but is unable to join a league because they play on weekends. We haven't taken any vacations because it's so tough for him to take time off. He missed every single festival this past summer because of work. We live by the beach and didn't go a single time together, again because of work.

He's been looking for other jobs but I know any cooking job will be the same with long weekend hours. I brought up a career change and school again but he cited costs in addition to his age.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I think his end goal is to join the National Guard and make a career out of that. I'm very nervous about this path and know I will probably see him less if he gets accepted.

[TBoneTX 43,057]

He needs to quit the damned job right now. Period.

[msbau764 245]

Your husband has issues if he thinks joining the national guard at his stage of life will afford him better opportunities than going back to school and learning something that will get him an office job with benefits. Is there a way he can go to a career fair or something?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Can you even make a career out of the National Guard? Is he aware that they do quite often get deployed to active war zones and it isn't just a friendly domestic gig?

Like I said before, my husband is the same age and with less than a year of schooling (and part time apprenticeship on the side), he's onwards towards having a good solid career.

If he doesn't want to do 4 years of schooling, going into a trade (my husband is doing plumbing and some HVAC), is a great alternative with lots of earning potential with little upfront costs to get trained. It is Monday to Friday work usually and there is some vacation flexibility.

It is also great for socializing because you meet so many people and you start to integrate into a community.

[msbau764 245]

Can you even make a career out of the National Guard? Is he aware that they do quite often get deployed to active war zones and it isn't just a friendly domestic gig?

Like I said before, my husband is the same age and with less than a year of schooling (and part time apprenticeship on the side), he's onwards towards having a good solid career.

If he doesn't want to do 4 years of schooling, going into a trade (my husband is doing plumbing and some HVAC), is a great alternative with lots of earning potential with little upfront costs to get trained. It is Monday to Friday work usually and there is some vacation flexibility.

It is also great for socializing because you meet so many people and you start to integrate into a community.

her husband is 28 years. he is making excuses about not wanting to go to school. It seems like he wants nothing to do with school or anything but the national guard based on what the OP is saying.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

We had a heart to heart today. He decided to resign from his job. I mentioned going to school for a skilled trade and he said he would consider it.

He is tired of the long hours, weekend schedules and low pay. He told me he's afraid to enter into a new trade because he will most likely be surrounded by Americans and he is embarrassed of his English. He has no reason to be. He has excellent proficiency in English and most people can understand him just fine. His weakness is writing which I am working with him on. But it's a step in the right direction. I am going to keep an eye out for job fairs and we will be looking at certification programs after the holidays.