This distance is destroying my relationship

[CanGirl 95]

Being apart for almost a year now has completely destroyed my relationship. My husband is miserable and alone in the US and I am living with my parents. I have people around me and I have a reason to want to be happy every day. I don't want to be depressed and crying in my room all the time so I don't let myself do that. As a result we hardly communicate.

It seems we have a huge difference of opinion on what is important to us in a marriage. I don't want to get into all of the details but it seems he is leaning more toward just ending our relationship. I am supposed to go visit him tomorrow night for 4 weeks and he thinks that 4 weeks is not long enough. I know if I go to visit him we will make up but the minute I have to leave we will get into a huge fight again. I don't think we can resolve our issues properly because this distance is always going to be a huge obstacle to him.

Edited July 11, 2014 by CanGirl

[SennaBrigante 92]

My husband and I have been apart for almost a year too. He lives alone, I live with my mom and our 3mo daughter whom he's never met.

What keeps us together is the belief that there will be an end to the distance and eventually we'll be like your typical wholesome family living under the same roof.

You have to talk to your husband and know for sure where he's at. If he's already on the verge of giving up, try to encourage him to stay strong. This is a long process but based on your timeline, the hard part is over.

[Nick&Diane 32]

Looking at your timeline you are almost done. If you visit for four weeks then your next time apart should be the last. My advice is to hang in there.

Long distance marriages are tough, this process is tough. We all cope in different ways. You are coping by keeping busy and keeping social. Your husband may be coping by keeping to himself. If he's feeling low, he probably doesn't feel very sociable at the moment. It sounds like you have both hit a low point, I wouldn't base your view of your entire marriage on how you both feel right now. Let this time pass, cut yourselves some slack and give yourselves the chance to have a normal marriage living together which isn't very long off.

If there are issues in your marriage which you need to deal with, you will - have patience. In the meantime, celebrate being together when you are re-united, I'm sure you'll remember why you decided to go through this for each other.

[CanGirl 95]

We are so close to the end and that is why I am so surprised that he has brought it up this time so strongly. We have had fights in the past about our issues but we always resolved it by standing by each other. This time just seems completely different. He has it set in his mind that no matter what I do to fix things it won't change. He even told me that word for word. "I love you but I sooo cant take feeling like this every day. And ive felt like this for so long. Its not ok.. and its not something you can change. I dont want to hurt you.. no. But I dont think I want this. Im asking for the simplest thing.. the entire reason ppl get married. You cant force yourself to want to be with me over your family. If you force yourself to talk to me when you dont.. its not what you want.. so it's fake. Thats what I mean.. I have thought about this so much and so long. Thats why im saying it. My expectations and wants for marriage aren't being fulfilled. Im not saying your bad im saying this isn't working."

[CanGirl 95]

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me. He swears that it is all platonic and he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I even made him ask her if she liked him romantically and to show me her reply. She said no that she doesn't think of him in that way at all. They even went out for tea after 9pm Wednesday night after church with another female co-worker. He says he told me about all this so it wouldn't turn into a huge thing later because she is an attractive woman. I just can't believe that she is not influencing his decision to end things with me right now.

[gwenstar 66]

I am sorry to hear that things are really tough right now. I hope that the time you get to spend with him over the next few weeks will help you both find yourselves in a better place regarding the relationship. Don't give up! It is so hard on a relationship to be so far apart, especially during the first year of marriage. My husband and I were apart for 16 months before he was able to move here. its just freaking hard - there is no way around that.

Do you feel like your expectations of marriage are being fulfilled? If you are going to keep trying to save this relationship, think about what you want, what makes you happy, what makes you feel loved and see if those wants/needs are being met. Your feelings, wants and expectations are important in order to be able to work through whatever issues and struggles you are having as a couple. Knowing what you want and being able to express and communicate that can help you see the situation more clearly - whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Anyhow - I wish you both the best and I hope things get better!!!!

[kehills 217]

Your husband is communicating with you. He's telling you what his needs are, and how they're not being met. This? Is part of marriage - listening to one another. An appropriate response is not "be more like me," it's to figure out what you can do to help him have his needs met while also meeting your own.

If you're not willing to work with him to make sure his emotional needs are being met, then it sounds like the problem isn't with him.

[SusieQQQ 11,584]

...Im asking for the simplest thing.. the entire reason ppl get married. You cant force yourself to want to be with me over your family. If you force yourself to talk to me when you dont.. its not what you want.. so it's fake. Thats what I mean.. I have thought about this so much and so long. Thats why im saying it. My expectations and wants for marriage aren't being fulfilled. Im not saying your bad im saying this isn't working."

Ok - this that you quote - this is not about being apart as much as him feeling rejected that you don't want to talk to him as much as you spend time with your family. You don't have to spend 24 hours a day alone in your room crying - but it sounds like he thinks you don't even want to talk to him as it takes you away from what you'd rather be doing. Maybe part of his chatting to these other women is exactly that - he just wants to *talk*. He also doesn't want to be alone in his room all day, and if you won't talk to him he finds someone else to talk to...

Your husband is communicating with you. He's telling you what his needs are, and how they're not being met. This? Is part of marriage - listening to one another. An appropriate response is not "be more like me," it's to figure out what you can do to help him have his needs met while also meeting your own.

If you're not willing to work with him to make sure his emotional needs are being met, then it sounds like the problem isn't with him.

Agreed.

Sorry, this perspective may not be what you want to hear, but I don't think it's the distance that is the issue.

[flora01 37]

You got married in feb. last year, what took him so long to file for I130?

This is the part of process that both have to wait until application gets approved, I don't understand a story that one wants to end the relationship because of distance now when it's just few more months for the process to be over.

Edited July 11, 2014 by flora01

[gwenstar 66]

Ok - this that you quote - this is not about being apart as much as him feeling rejected that you don't want to talk to him as much as you spend time with your family. You don't have to spend 24 hours a day alone in your room crying - but it sounds like he thinks you don't even want to talk to him as it takes you away from what you'd rather be doing. Maybe part of his chatting to these other women is exactly that - he just wants to *talk*. He also doesn't want to be alone in his room all day, and if you won't talk to him he finds someone else to talk to...

Yeah....

Him letting you know he has hung out with his co-worker and wants to be honest with you about how attractive she is/the times they hung out seems like he literally is trying to avoid having problems in your marriage. Or at least is aware of a potential problem even though the best way to avoid it would be to not hang out with her at all. Of course only you and him know the whole story. Yes, marriage is about communication and it seems like he is or has been trying to communicate and be honest.

[barbara360 6]

it's a hard situation but we expect it going into a relationship long distance. It's not easy but you should finish the paper work process, move in together and see how the marriage will be once it has finally the chance to be a marriage. I don't think you should decide now that you are not on the same page as far as marriage since you are both really emotional because of the stress of being apart. No one has it easy when it comes to waiting. You just have to find a way to survive it.

[rhein 451]

Being apart for almost a year now has completely destroyed my relationship. My husband is miserable and alone in the US and I am living with my parents. I have people around me and I have a reason to want to be happy every day. I don't want to be depressed and crying in my room all the time so I don't let myself do that. As a result we hardly communicate.

It seems we have a huge difference of opinion on what is important to us in a marriage. I don't want to get into all of the details but it seems he is leaning more toward just ending our relationship. I am supposed to go visit him tomorrow night for 4 weeks and he thinks that 4 weeks is not long enough. I know if I go to visit him we will make up but the minute I have to leave we will get into a huge fight again. I don't think we can resolve our issues properly because this distance is always going to be a huge obstacle to him.

Hmm, sounds like you both need to toughen the hell up. I was apart from my wife and son for nearly a year, without the finances to visit during that time - we couldn't just stroll over the border for a visit. We missed each other a lot, but loved each other more than enough to get through it.

If neither of you have the maturity and fortitude to get through this period, how do you suppose you are going to manage to get through the rest of the challenges a couple faces in life when you are together? You might want to think about if you are really ready for this.

[rhein 451]

We are so close to the end and that is why I am so surprised that he has brought it up this time so strongly. We have had fights in the past about our issues but we always resolved it by standing by each other. This time just seems completely different. He has it set in his mind that no matter what I do to fix things it won't change. He even told me that word for word. "I love you but I sooo cant take feeling like this every day. And ive felt like this for so long. Its not ok.. and its not something you can change. I dont want to hurt you.. no. But I dont think I want this. Im asking for the simplest thing.. the entire reason ppl get married. You cant force yourself to want to be with me over your family. If you force yourself to talk to me when you dont.. its not what you want.. so it's fake. Thats what I mean.. I have thought about this so much and so long. Thats why im saying it. My expectations and wants for marriage aren't being fulfilled. Im not saying your bad im saying this isn't working."

So he's saying it's over. Pretty clear.

[Kiwinyc 62]

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me. He swears that it is all platonic and he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I even made him ask her if she liked him romantically and to show me her reply. She said no that she doesn't think of him in that way at all. They even went out for tea after 9pm Wednesday night after church with another female co-worker. He says he told me about all this so it wouldn't turn into a huge thing later because she is an attractive woman. I just can't believe that she is not influencing his decision to end things with me right now.

Your husband is communicating with you. He's telling you what his needs are, and how they're not being met. This? Is part of marriage - listening to one another. An appropriate response is not "be more like me," it's to figure out what you can do to help him have his needs met while also meeting your own.

If you're not willing to work with him to make sure his emotional needs are being met, then it sounds like the problem isn't with him.

Good grief I disagree completely. His needs are not being met because his wife is stuck in another country and he's tired of waiting so he opens up emotionally to some other woman? I think he's realised there are woman on his doorstep right in front of him that he doesn't have to wait for and he wants out of the relationship so he can go play.

CanGirl you don't want to be married to a man who doesn't think you're the highest, most important priority in his life. Don't let him treat you like this and make you think all this is your fault.

[apple21 953]

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me. He swears that it is all platonic and he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I even made him ask her if she liked him romantically and to show me her reply. She said no that she doesn't think of him in that way at all. They even went out for tea after 9pm Wednesday night after church with another female co-worker. He says he told me about all this so it wouldn't turn into a huge thing later because she is an attractive woman. I just can't believe that she is not influencing his decision to end things with me right now.

This is the deal breaker, for me.

Whatever you decide on, good luck.