Need Help--Feel Like My Marriage is Already Crumbling

[kssette 30]

Wow.....3 years is a long time. I have only been separated from my husband 9 months and it feels like an eternity. I can't imagine 3 years. I wanted to say that I think being lonely and tired of the fight at this point is probably normal. The long waits alone is enough to create doubts in our minds. Throw in cultural and religious differences to make an already difficult relationship even harder. But it can be overcome.

I believe everyone is right in suggesting that you talk to someone about your feelings and worries. That way you can get some relief and sort out your own feelings before talking to your wife. She may be having the same thoughts. Friends and family can be too bias, though they mean well. Someone objective and professional is a better option.

As I am Muslim, I can tell you divorce is allowed. Islam only encourages couples to try every option to make the marriage work but in the end if divorce is needed their is no shame. Culture is a different story. Often times depending on what country a Muslim is from people confuse the religion with the culture.

While I have dreamed about a happy everafter marriage when my husband gets here I know the reality is that the first year will be hard. Culture shock and home sickness, finding a job, getting a license, etc.......While I was with my husband and happy I never thought about these things. Now as time goes by I do and yes, I worry about the impact on my marriage. We all have doubts at times but we draw strength from our spouses to face obstacles. The separation of the immigration process robs us of that so that you feel like you are in this alone.

Don't feel like you are a villain.......you are only human. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. I will say if you do decide to bring your wife here you are fortunate to live in the DC area where there is a large Muslim community. That will help her through the transition and the Muslim community can be very helpful when possible.

[Boggy1974 124]

Wow! Please get medical help asap!

Your wife will be ok eventually IF you tell her how you feel now. Hope things go well for you!

[Novembro 1,763]

I don't know exactly where you live, but based on your VJ location, I googled and came up with this:

https://www.dbhds.virginia.gov/OMH-default.htm

There are so many options for assistance in times like these, but you have to be the one to search them out. Good luck man, feeling as you do is not fun.

[Husakovic 31]

You MUST go back to see her and THEN decide whether you want a divorce...also tell how about your depression...! I hope it works out for you, I know what it is like to be depressed....good luck!

[Darnell 8,478]

You know what the real kicker is? When I went online to look for advice, most places gave something along these lines: take a 6 month "cooling off period" to see what life will be like without them! HAHA! Well-f*cking_played universe!

For your exact situation,

is OK to seek a solution online,

but you need a human in front of you,

telling you stuff, instead.

Get the @#$ck off of the computer, seek a human. You need face-to-face time.

[TAandNA 13]

Why do I think these things? I am so lonely and desperate. I don't want to leave my wife. But I don't want to stay with her either. Why does the US government do this to their own citizens?????????????

The Dude,

If you love some one, then have a courage to face the consequences, Loving someone is easy to be with the person you love and facing the issues are different thing, if you love her then keep loving her and bring her here and start your life, things get better, day by day ... keep the Faith ...

[Carolinaolina 1]

Pray and ask God to help and guide you..

[Erica & L 50]

Late to the party here and somebody might have already said this but...

Depression can be caused by a lot of things and a lot of times we can somehow let our depression act as a blanket for all the other things we are going through, and then sometimes it's just the opposite. You may be depressed due to the circumstances of your relationship and your marriage, or that could just be another addition and the reason you are handling the stress the way you are is because you're already clinically depressed and may have been for a while. It's a chemical in balance and a lot of the time one incident and one difficult circumstance isn't going to trigger depression, it's a multitude of things.

In my opinion, if you generally feel like your relationship is causing a rift in your mental stability, and you are almost numb feeling to the thought of being in the relationship, to the point where you want to talk to other women etc, you should end it. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her. You can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid to hurt their feelings or afraid of how they will react, that's not a substantial means for carrying on a relationship, and to me, that doesn't even seem like it would be a relationship anymore. You can focus on yourself, maybe talk to a therapist, explore your medical options, and then once you are okay, then you can explore the idea of sharing your life with someone again. Depression is a really REALLY selfish illness and it's out of your control, you can get so consumed with your own thoughts and feelings that even if you wanted to, you can't relate to other people. It's like an imaginary wall. Same with anxiety, it feels like it can hurt you, and ultimately hurt the people around you, and it's out of your hands.

I am speaking from experience (not the same situation exactly) but I know what it feels like when you cannot even trust your own choices and you have a million different decisions in your head but the depression makes you want to choose the easy way out. It gets better, you just need to make the first step, and sometimes it's healthier to be single in doing so, especially if your partner really isn't in the position to guide you through this.

Best of luck to you.

Edited February 13, 2014 by justfromerica

[Shiobhan 235]

I hope OP seeks and get help but judging from his past posts

it seem that by nature he may be someone with a personality

that's wants it today screw the others....I do sympathize with

his position, but many here wait & have waited longer , sadly,

when going through such pain one should seek therapy also

spiritual guidance & never just spew hate.

[B_J 2,752]

I hope OP seeks and get help but judging from his past posts

it seem that by nature he may be someone with a personality

that's wants it today screw the others....I do sympathize with

his position, but many here wait & have waited longer , sadly,

when going through such pain one should seek therapy also

spiritual guidance & never just spew hate.

Honestly, I don't think there are very many here who have waited as long or longer than him. There may be a few but, for the most part, three years is pretty rare.

[psv57 88]

Dude...

I haven't read through all the pages, so if I missed out the most current, I apologize.

Clinical depression is a killer of all joys. Been there and experienced it all for a long long time. It robs you of so much in your life. You are not in right state of mind to make life decisions like marriage/divorce. What you really need urgently is to get help from a psychiatrist/therapist, maybe both. For those prone to depression, a process as complicated, stressful, as sponsoring your spouse, can take a real toll. I would just advise you to take care of your being by reaching out for help. Life can be full of joy and you will make clearer decisions when it's not all foggy you know. Please reach out.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Read OP's post carefully

"I got hired there in 2013 and saved up enough to go back to India for 2 months (we had originally intended only 1 but getting our civil court marriage proved terribly difficult to do in a timely manner) in August and September of 2013 for the marriage. I returned in October of 2013 and filed my I-130 for my wife in November. "

He was in India during August/Sep 2013 with his wife and started the 1-130 process only in November.

He is not separated from his wife for 3 years without seeing each other or waiting for 3 years for the I-130 approval.

[psv57 88]

I don't know if this is a passing thing for you or not, Dude. I've regretted making the decision to move back here. I've apologized to everyone involved more than once. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if we'd been apart in the beginning of our marriage. At this point, knowing that you're probably dealing with clinical depression, I would not cancel the process. You're not in a good frame of mind to be making massive life-altering changes. Stay the course for now, please, get some help, from someone, and then reassess your thoughts on the situation. Depression can wreak havoc on your thought processes. But I wouldn't make any decisions until I knew I was in a better mental and emotional state.

Oh, and btw, I don't think that a Christian marrying a Muslim is that big of a difference or a big deal, unless you make it one. It might just be a cultural thing? I don't know. From my outsider perspective, it's the same God, just a different form of worshiping Him. As long as you can both refrain from claiming your way is the only right way, I really don't see why it should be a bone of contention.

Just ditto on what Kaylara said about inter-religious marriages. Hubby Christian, me Hindu. It's the same God. It is doable with love, respect, understanding, and compromises.

Depression robs you from being able to view things same as others. Like glasses...you can't even trust yourself anymore. Your self esteem takes a toll. You feel like the bad person you are... Would you really want to make serious decisions when you can't view life/situations the way it really is. please reach out for help. I promise life can be much more different.

[NYC.RSA 25]

your probably missing your wife too much.

[Me_Theo 25]

Are you originally indian too ?

If yes, find a indian professional to help you, She/he knows about your culture. you need at least 6-12 months the professional help to fix yourself.

May be the doctor tells you don't make divorce . May be your wife can help you. If your wife is not strong enough to handle or help to fix your problem. I think divorce make her happy more than other thing.Let's your wife knows about your problem. . She should know what is waiting for her when she arrive in USA.

Anyway if she couldn't help you, your marriage will be in risk in US too.

If she doesn't know about your problem,

Ask yourself.

Divorce before come in US or divorce after she come in US, which one is okay for you.

your brain's hormones start to change by depression, also it is normal your feeling get different about her. Just take a

professional help.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Me_Theo