Has my marriage been ruined by PMS (or rather by my inability to deal with it?)

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Talk about a stereotypical sexist start...but it is most definitely not meant to be. PMS is real and its effects can be serious.

Though we have joked about it the effects on various woman can range from no-existent to debilitating. See:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder

My princess (ogre) left me today, exactly 36 days after our marriage and exactly two days after USCIS Acceptance of AOS.

But back to PMS. We've been together for sixteen months including some Skype "together" months. (You can argue on Skype as easily as in person) From the beginning of our relationship I noticed strange arguments, ones that seemed oddly out of proportion to anything real. Sometimes it was perceived jealousy (she being jealous of my long gone ex's) and sometimes it was "blame," or "shame." (Never, ever judge a Filipina). At first I thought ah--"tampo." (tampo is a sort of culturally based hissy fit peculiar to Filipinas) But after several months of being together I started counting start of menses, to expected start of next menses--to be aware and hopefully to (and successfully I might add) use tactics such as "I need some away time, I'll see you in two days." That worked. But it doesn't work when the person lives with you and there is no place to escape.

How about some Stats, Hey I'm an RN, I document things....:and I predicted menses and noted predicted and actual times on my calendar as well as "fight days."

Fights that occurred some days before start of menses (note: almost all were one day, some were two, so I put the start day):

3 days before February 2012

No fight before March 2012

10 days before April 2012

5 days before May 2012

3 days before June 2012

3 days before July 2012

3 days before August 2012

No data for September 2012?

3 days before October 2012

8 days before November 2012

7 days before December 2012

4 days before January 2013

I'm no statistician but the above looks pretty conclusive to me. I didn't even know that they lined up so well until I just went through my calendar. I wish that I had reviewed that data a few months back.

Last night (4 days before the expected start of menses) things blew up. I can't even exactly say what started it--I'm not quite sure, and I won't go into details. But today, Juliet demanded (in a frightening way which included standing on the porch with her suitcase in 4 degrees Fahrenheit weather with no jacket) that I take her to the airport eventually I did. After an hours drive she casually said: "thank you." and walked away as though I was no more important than a taxi driver. It was her decision to end things and leave, not mine--I made that clear, though if queried today or tomorrow she might have a different take. These blow-ups last for one to three day's and then, bliss--laughter, fun--wonderful times--erotic or simply affectionate until the next episode. So since she's arrived here on November 15th we've had 23 wonderful days and 4 horrific days. Not bad odds really excepting that she's several thousand miles away now.

There is no apportioning "blame," especially when only one side is presented but I am sorely confused and badly emotionally battered. She said things like: "The marriage has ended" "I'm not your wife." I could go on but why bother. I suggested a mediator since divorce clearly necessary but she refused that, and again when the mediator called me back on the way to the airport.

And this--exactly two days after USCIS received my check for the AOS application and exactly one day after it was deducted from my account. $1060 out of my account and my wife out of my life--all in 24 hours. Ouch.

Am I being set up? I suppose it's possible and perhaps love is blind but to what end? Is it possible for the AOS to be accepted and the beneficiary might then go off to get a Green Card alone? (I know for a fact that in California this has happened). Talk about a scary thought. I admit it--I'm scared.

I suggested that we fill out and get notarized an uncontested civil divorce before she left, which really is simple--but she would not sign. I noticed a recent communication of hers to a friend and her advice to the friend related to a divorce before AOS happened appeared to be "don't sign." Coincidence, maybe--but a scary one.

Also during the argument(s) she became very hostile and though I'm not sure about the words or if she really meant it, but to me, they came out as: "you're gonna pay." I've paid quite a lot and have debt to prove it and was quite happy--until today.

Now few things scare me--the IRS scares me. But legal action, especially the vulture lawyers that handle divorce cases frighten the daylights out of me. I've seen lawyers work one person against the other until the only assets left was in the lawyers pockets.

I have no idea what to do. I think I'll wait till early next week as in the past--big offenses became nothing as time passed. Time and again she has apologized. Perhaps that will happen--but $600 flights--that gets costly as well as painful. She would not work with a mediator--she would not agree to a do-it-yourself no contest divorce based on simple "irreconcilable differences." So where does this leave me? How does a person divorce someone thousands of miles away?

I really don't care if she eventually gets a Green Card--that is obviously what her sister desires but the idea of being financially responsible for a person who has left me for no definable reason and who is now thousands of miles away is very frightening.

I offered her $2000 cash if she'd do the non-contested divorce papers (they really are simple) so she could go stay at her sisters and then buy a ticket to the Phils--refused. I handed her $500 for travel cash--refused (still offering to pay a one-way ticked to the Phils). Any scammer would jump on that cash fast. I've called her sister to make sure she has a ticked--no reply. I can't understand Cebuano so I have no idea what was said. The whole thing is so very sad.

I hope that in several days she'll come back and I'd take her back--as long as she'd agree that we do weekly counseling sessions for quite a while but if she does not--what do I need to do to protect myself? I'm far from rich. My unemployment benefits ended Saturday so I have zero income and though I have adequate assets they will draw down fast in any sort of contested divorce.

Any advice would be appreciated. Btw this new account is SteveXXJuliet, by which I meant "without," but some would interpret it as Steve kiss, kiss, (love) Juliet--and that is true too. I miss her. I have no interest in hurting her--I simply want to minimize damage to myself. So ideas of what to do, or what not to do will be very welcome.

Thank you,

Steve

[C-ma'am 684]

**Post moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

[Darnell 8,478]

there's going to be lots of other advice,

but for now,

the big thing you can do to protect yourself,

is

to withdraw the affadavit of support, form I-864, via postal letter back to the USCIS office that issued the receipt .

Since you've no receipt yet, you've no idea where to send the letter, as the address is in the receipt notice.

So, wait for that receipt notice, and then withdraw the I-864. Without the I-864, she won't be issued a green card.

[cdneh 3,112]

Did she actually fly back home?

[Pitaya 2,576]

Agree with Darnell, protect yourself.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Wow Steve, I don't know what to say. That's a lot of fights. I only remember being moody, but I know every woman is different

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Did she actually fly back home?

No, she flew from New Hampshire and is now enroute, as I write this, to Phoenix, AZ.

She's wanted to visit her sister since she's been here, but the cheapest set of tickets that i could find was about $600 and being unemployed at the moment, I just couldn't do that. I had hoped that once I found a job (which definitely includes my moving as there are few jobs here in NH) I could let her fly to AZ for a week or so.

Her visa is good until February.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Wow Steve, I don't know what to say. That's a lot of fights. I only remember being moody, but I know every woman is different

That's exactly one per month. And for every one that occurred via Skype I have a written apology (which would not be appropriate to post here). She has admitted to having PMS and has even voiced if she has manic-depressive (but she doesn't as the length of time is way too short to fit in that category). It is so easy to see looking back several days--but I don't think she can see it during the "fight" day at all--at that time I'm simply an evil fella. When away from the "time" she can see how tiny things became big, she even jokingly assumes on occasion the screen name Daemon (Daemon's are demons who tend to be useful and helpful).

Other than the once a month fights we've had a great time. So much work, so much effort....so much money..so much hope and plans....

Edited January 9, 2014 by SteveXXJuliet

[Darnell 8,478]

her visa was invalidated at the POE.

It's the I-94 that governs her period of authorized stay, as a K-1 visa holder.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

her visa was invalidated at the POE.

It's the I-94 that governs her period of authorized stay, as a K-1 visa holder.

Thank you Darnell. Once the embassy visit passed by Juliet was the one on top of all that stuff. She's very bright and very competent. I remember her saying that we had to be married by some date early in February--but we are. I thought--why wait. And like many the Social Security card is a golden grail that holds a lot of appeal.

I got the idea that once the AOS was accepted then the February deadline become moot--is that true?

[Darnell 8,478]

deadline? what? can file AOS anytime after marriage - is no rule, reg or law about it.

the only reg for a K-1, is to get married within 90 days of USA entry.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

K1 died at POE. It is only good for entry to the US, which must happen within 6 months of the medical.

I-94 gives you 90 days in which to get married. As long as that happens, she can stay... indefinitely. Lots will argue the ins and outs of "out of status" for a K-1'er, but the gist is... after marriage within 90 days, even after the I-94 expires and prior to filing AOS, she is considered out of status, but won't be deported for that, IF she meets a deadline that will be issued by a judge at the time of her "capture". 30 days, 6 months, 5 years, don't matter. If she can file AOS at that point, she will be allowed to stay. If not, she will be deported, and the appropriate time ban will be applied based on her overstay.

All of that becomes moot if you continue to support her via marriage, AOS, and ROC. But... marrying, filing for AOS, then splitting a few days later, CAN appear like visa fraud, to some. Be careful.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Similar topic but without PMS problem

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/473775-married-yesterday-on-k1-now-my-new-wife-wants-to-leave-to-go-back-home/

To OP:

As a woman, having PMS is very difficult for me, sometimes. I hope some guys can experience that. Bad headache, swing mood, crying without reason, pain all over body. That's just unbearable. But here the difference. When I had PMS, I stayed focus and not let those symptoms ruined my days. Meditation and yoga helped me out of those troubles.

For being jealous, as long as both of man and woman agreed to accept it, I think it is not a big deal. I'm a jealous girl and my fiance accepted and in fact he thinks that endearing. When I tried to communicate about jealousy, I never yelled at him or calling names. I always said, "sweety, I am jealous now and this is the reason".

Each couple has their own rules for the relationship for instance my fiance even told me if I am not jealous it means I don't love him anymore. When we fought, my fiance and I always remind to each other that no matter how big the fight it is, we will never yelling to each other or calling names, go silence for days, or MIA (missing in action). We should stay be civil for our acts.

Edited January 9, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[Darnell 8,478]

usually, during PMS, chocolate and red wine are useful. That's all I'm a gonna say. Oh Wait ! Midol also !

[belinda63 2,981]

Since it appears you have decided the marriage will end here are the posibilities.

You don't pull the affidavit of support

She has an interview at which you don't appear and her GC is denied.

She is not selected for an interview and receives her GC.

You are now on the hook until the requirements such as death, loss of her GC, her working 10 years, etc. are met.

You cancel the affidavit of support.

You can always refile for her AOS at anytime. Just beware her returning to you after she realizes you are the only way for her to obtain a GC without leaving the US. She could just be using you if this happens.

Pull the affidavit of support and go your merry way. File for divorce, she doesn't have to agree with it. If she doesn't appear for the hearing it is a default judgement.

Edited January 9, 2014 by belinda63