Has my marriage been ruined by PMS (or rather by my inability to deal with it?)

[sweet cakes 326]

Talk about a stereotypical sexist start...but it is most definitely not meant to be. PMS is real and its effects can be serious.

Though we have joked about it the effects on various woman can range from no-existent to debilitating. See:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder

My princess (ogre) left me today, exactly 36 days after our marriage and exactly two days after USCIS Acceptance of AOS.

But back to PMS. We've been together for sixteen months including some Skype "together" months. (You can argue on Skype as easily as in person) From the beginning of our relationship I noticed strange arguments, ones that seemed oddly out of proportion to anything real. Sometimes it was perceived jealousy (she being jealous of my long gone ex's) and sometimes it was "blame," or "shame." (Never, ever judge a Filipina). At first I thought ah--"tampo." (tampo is a sort of culturally based hissy fit peculiar to Filipinas) But after several months of being together I started counting start of menses, to expected start of next menses--to be aware and hopefully to (and successfully I might add) use tactics such as "I need some away time, I'll see you in two days." That worked. But it doesn't work when the person lives with you and there is no place to escape.

How about some Stats, Hey I'm an RN, I document things....:and I predicted menses and noted predicted and actual times on my calendar as well as "fight days."

Fights that occurred some days before start of menses (note: almost all were one day, some were two, so I put the start day):

I'm really sorry that this happened to you, Steve. I feel terrible <knowing you have waited so long to get her the K-1 visa>, but at the same time, surprised that you have gone as far as filing for the AOS when you two are having issues after a week of marriage. As a woman, I think your wife's behavior is rather extreme for PMS.

I also believe that your wife made the decision of leaving you a day after making sure that the AOS was filed and paid for, and not her sister in AZ. I'm not a pro here in relationships and on AOS and I'm sure the other guys here have given you good perspectives and ideas, but I am betting,she won't contact you unless she encounters a problem in getting a green card. If you want to test if she's really after the green card (or short of saying, she's a scam <sorry>), maybe it's a good idea to let her know that you have withdrawn the application for AOS? Just a thought. Wishing you the best.

Edited January 9, 2014 by sweet cakes

[David & Diana R 1,005]

usually, during PMS, chocolate and red wine are useful. That's all I'm a gonna say. Oh Wait ! Midol also !

And sex, lots and lots of sex. Well, that's a man's perspective anyway. hahaha

[sparkles_ 456]

I only read 3 pages of replies, but I'll wave my flag of shame and admit I'm guilty of the same as your wife....and I'm American. My fiance has even started to note the pattern and he is from a village in Upper Egypt, not an RN. Does she take birth control?

I have noticed that I was only mildly off the level before I started Nexplanon (Implanon version 1.0 didn't bother me) but after I'm a train wreck. I'm looking into having it removed for this reason. I'm a complete heffer to him on 1-2 days a month. Screaming, crying, cursing, ending things, I hate you, I wish I'd never met you, block from my phone, wanting to break his face.

And then the day after I'm so ashamed I can't even begin to explain myself. It is like a second PMS personality.

I do not think your wife is a scammer, but I feel for you and her and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[yraheem 9]

@B_J

Hi B_J, I deeply apologize to you if what you took out of my list as racist for my list was not intended to be racist. My future wife agrees with me and supports my thoughts about selecting the right Filipina for "ME". in our courtship, my ‘wife to be’ provided me with many of the attributes that comprise of the list you misunderstood. I am African-American and I engage in a discussion with my ‘wife to be’ about African-Americans in America (male and female).

It was a very mature and logical conversation that we had in order to provide each other with an exceptionally understanding of each other including cultural stereotypes.

I love, love, love, love, adore, adore, adore, the history, culture, food, and similarity of the Filipina culture to my own considering the original Filipino where from Africa by way of Malayo-Polynesian prior to the brutality of the Arabs, Spaniards, Japanese and Americans.

I am exceptionally selective in my choice of a Filipina because I live in a country whereby the divorce rate is HIGH. I cannot project the outcome of a marriage however; I can increase the chances of a marriage being success by being realistic, logical and providing conditions prior to becoming an unconditional loving couple. I have been blessed to travel to a variety of counties and enjoy the different cultures, foods, rituals, families, customs, and religions of various cultures within China, Twain, Vietnam, Singapore, Japan and the Philippines. I have discovered that my love, deep respect and honor seems to burn passionately for a “GOOD” Filipina.

In case you didn't notice, I am African-American (preferable 'black'), and there are people contained in my list within my own race, as well as in your race, and all over the world. Since the topic is "Filipina", I stuck with the topic however, my description is befitting of "ALL RACES". The bottom line is that list represents a person who has a different perspective of life and my country in her heart.

So, I truly apologize to you and your wife if that's what you got out of my list. Just to make things fair, I grew up on the south side of Chicago and could have easily adopted several of the attributes that listed.

My intention was to create a list based on my knowledge of interacting with people from all parts of the world for I am no stranger to the Philippines and I reiterate, I selected a Filipina because my personality and character stacks well with a Filipina compared to a woman from my own country, My list doesn't have a face or race however, since the topic was Filipina, my goal was just to stay within the scope of the topic.

[merkin&regine 18]

A big thumbs up to all of you--thanks. This really helps me take an objective view which is difficult.

There is one positive in all this--I've lost seven pounds. (I know...it really is not a healthy way to lose weight)

Reading the above I'm inclined to believe that her intentions may have been good but coming to Northeast America in November--the start of our bleak winter can really make anyone feel isolated. She spends a huge deal of time online at Facebook, often chatting with friends, always in Cebuano. She's actively searched for Filipinas nearby and found one a mere two hours drive away. Last week I suggested that we drive over and spend an afternoon. So she talked with her friend--but received no invitation, so I presume that her friend's guy doesn't desire this.

She's always cold, even though I keep the temperature at 79-82 degrees (which is insane by New England standards, not to mention $200+/week for oil. I set her up with an ESL course, she tested and only got one question wrong, placing her at advanced-intermediate, but then later announced that she did not want to take the course. I remember her recounting what the education counselor told her who was in the class--Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese--but no Filipina.

She grasps but does not really embrace a very important subject that yraheera wrote earlier: "Doesn't seems to grasp DIHH (Dual Income House Hold)" She's always talking about getting a job but contrary to what I expected "any job" (McDonalds) comes to mind. I've explained that I'd much prefer that she educate herself, which I think would be fairly easy, enter college and aim at a $20+/hour job, since Mickey D's $8/hour today is chump change. (Note: I don't intend to demean anyone working for McD's and believe it's actually a great place to work for a year--but if a person does not move up they are in for grief in today's economy).

Looking back, objectively, she's not happy maybe for many reasons but the predominant one is that I think she wants others--Cebuano preferably, but Tagalog speakers are fine, around her and they are not to be found here. When moving to another country one must embrace what one finds and I will agree with her that her family in Bohol and Cebu are treasures.

I suspect that the lure of sis in Phoenix, Arizona, perhaps tied in with the strange thinking (easily irritated--easily angered--not particularly logical) that comes with PMS plus an Ate (elder sister) willing to pay for her ticket such that she's on a plane heading to Arizona within two hours with the added winter, end of unemployment benefits, my difficulty finding a job (it's rumored that there is one job available in NH but nobody knows where it is) and perhaps with my anxiety about the severe costs associated with New England winters became too much.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.

I took my marriage vows seriously and truly believed that this would be the last love of my life. It blows my mind to see it end, so soon--and for no reason that was voiced.

I thought she was Ate (elder sister--which in the Philippines is a very special place, and I think create very special woman--and who would make wonderful mothers and wives) but now am inclined to think that her sister in Arizona is Ate, and in fact she is bebe. (the youngest). That's a generalization but one that, from experience, which is often true. The Ate's are the caretakers--the givers, the bebe's (not always) tend to be self-centered). Anyone who wants to debate this, please feel free to do so--I enjoy learning about Philippine culture).

I especially liked Sandranj's comments:

"With PMS or not she was able to move to another State, probably to stay with her relatives or friends, she will find a job or maybe another man, as you can see PMS won't stop her to live in the US, hey but I thought she came to this Country to be with you.

When she files Vawa and gets Her green card come back here to tell us if you still believe she was suffering PMS.Good luck."

Vawa is frightening. I suggest that anyone interested read this: "http://www.nifvi.org/pdf/ShowingExtremeCrueltyVAWAI-751WaiverApp.pdf"

So much of that is subjective and I'll stand to accuse the writer of this document that much of it is leading/coaching. For instance "(Only answer these questions if you and your case worker think you need to show more abuse to win your case and even then, only if you want to and have a way to cope with the embarrassment and pain it may cause you.)"

I do now wonder if the game is Vawa aimed, but not by Juliet, but possibly by her sister who is admirably cunning (but not particularly bright--as in the 8 hectares of swamp she bought on Bohol that sits there useless). I've called her a "weasel," based upon her dealings and that is meant in a good way (weasels are small and agile animals that are as tough as nails and can stand up to any problem and get into places where others cannot). I'm guilty of some of the items in Vawa--who doesn't get angry sometimes? But I am in no way guilty of a pattern of cruelty--VAWA has its place but I will make every effort to squelch such an action and would then make every effort to actively allege fraud. But the fear of having to fight such a claim far, far exceeds the fear of her actually prevailing (to the lawyer who wrote the document--one does not "win" a legal case--one prevails. "Win" connotes chance (as in a lottery, or dice) and legal arguments are based only upon facts and evidence, one does not "win," rather one party "prevails."). I don't believe that she has any chance in prevailing in a VAWA case--but I know enough about law to realize that much of it is used, not by "frivolous" cases as is often claimed, but rather as in the divorce cases by lawyers whose only goal is to prolong a case to rack up billable hours. And have no doubt about that--like car salespeople, they are very, very good at doing what they do. So I hope it never comes to such a case.

I now recommend that anyone bringing a wife to America read that document and make absolutely sure that you never tread on one aspect of it. Juliet certainly can't get Vawa on the common economic cruelty ploy--she had at least $200 in cash when she left and prior to leaving had a Bank of America Credit Card (in her name) with $15,000 of headroom on it, and freedom to use it. (Which she never abused).

The sister in Arizona may be the kingpin here. From what I understand she is undocumented (illegal) and her drive to bring family to America is powerful. I know that she makes $20+/hour, but wonder how that can be--is that much work done "under the table?" Currently she is sending one of her brothers to school (auto mechanics) with the intent that he come to America. (I never quite understood how that was to happen--if he was an IT specialist he could get an H-1B but an auto mechanic is not one of the H-1B skills as far as I know).

Another alarming thing that sticks out is that I asked her sister to call me after Juliet called her--since I wanted her to know that I offered Juliet $2000 in cash, and offered to pay for a ticket to Cebu and since I don't understand Cebuano I can only wonder what was said. Additionally I asked Juliet to ask her sister to tell me that she was arranging a ticket at the airport, simply a confirmation as I did not want to take her to the airport which seemed like abandonment unless she had a ticket. Since she didn't respond to my calls, I sent sister a text and asked her to simply text me that Juliet had arrived safely. I never got one. This alone smells rotten to me. This alone makes me wonder if sis is the "driver."

I don't particularly mind the ~$12,000 spent but I sorely miss my trashed hopes, plans and dreams with a woman that most of the time was a treat to spend life with. Nonetheless, from any way it is viewed, severe PMS, her being dissatisfied with me/America, fraudulent intent or "grass is greener in Arizona" or a combination the symptoms indicate a terminal condition. I truly envy those of you who advise others here who clearly have good long-term relationships.

Again, thank you all for helping me sort this out.

Hi there,

I am very sorry for what had happen to you , I am Cebuana too but the difference between us is that, my husband is Cebuano too and the USC.

Our first year was the hardest, but we never gave up. We really don't have much of a cultural difference but we still argue every now and then, even more than once a month.

With this said, I just couldn't imagine the culture shock your wife experienced & would understand if you guys fight. What's missing is the will to pursue the marriage even if it's not easy. You're wife could be guilty of this or you.

Bottom line is... Words that comes out when your angry is most likely to be untrue.

Although, people here tell you to give up & withdraw I-864, I'm still hoping that you guys could smooth up your differences. I can see that you love her & I just wouldn't want that to be in the trash.

If you need translation. Just cut and paste it to my msgs & I'll translate it to English for you.

By the way, google translate already has Cebuano translation but not as accurate as it should be.

Good luck! The final decision is yours.

Edited January 9, 2014 by merkin78

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Since we have no proof that it is a Vawa intention and all the immigration side of it has been discussed here I would like to

say that your observations to pin the 'dark days' on hormonal imbalances are a pointer to an indeed medical issue more so than

a scam issue.

If she comes back I would try again but only if she agrees and commits to a medical and psychiatric evaluation and perhaps a support group

for the long haul. The proper medication, yoga, nutrition, talk therapy just may turn things around in time.
I would not jump on the scam bandwagon just yet, but have to admit the big sister is a driver to whatever destination may loom.

I would not contact her and wait what happens. If she won't contact you in the next week or two pull the plug (affidavit of support),

as that would not fit her previous pattern of apologies 2 days later but it would be a case of abandonment.

Meanwhile keep detailed written records of what transpires. Keep your financial matters secured.

Excuse my English but it is not my first language Best wishes ~

Edited January 9, 2014 by Ebunoluwa

[lasko12 9]

As a RN, I am sure you are aware that winter can cause seasonal depression due to lack of exposure to sunlight since people prefer staying more inside in Winter. That leads to vitamin D deficiency. Winter weather can make PMS worse and cause many mental disorders. Some people may not believe winter weather can cause that many problems but it really does. I hope you take that into account before making any decision.

If this finally works out and you guys are together again, you may wanna have her take vitamin D and vitamin B3 daily.

Edited January 10, 2014 by lasko12

[B_J 2,752]

Well...that is one of the best posts I've ever read on here. Seriously.

Just to explain a little further, in my brief time on this site, I've seen people describe Filipinas in the same way they would describe a breed of dog or their favorite brand of automobile ( loyal, tough, hard working, etc. ) It's always rubbed me the wrong way. So, I guess I became a little thin skinned when it comes to generalization. Funny thing, my wife just lets things go. I'm the one who gets bothered.

I totally understand what you're saying. And I hope you don't feel too bad about the topic of racism being brought up - I was probably a bit out of line. If it makes you feel better, I'm from Texas and most people assume we're all racist anyway.

Good luck on your journey.

@B_J

Hi B_J, I deeply apologize to you if what you took out of my list as racist for my list was not intended to be racist. My future wife agrees with me and supports my thoughts about selecting the right Filipina for "ME". in our courtship, my ‘wife to be’ provided me with many of the attributes that comprise of the list you misunderstood. I am African-American and I engage in a discussion with my ‘wife to be’ about African-Americans in America (male and female).

It was a very mature and logical conversation that we had in order to provide each other with an exceptionally understanding of each other including cultural stereotypes.

I love, love, love, love, adore, adore, adore, the history, culture, food, and similarity of the Filipina culture to my own considering the original Filipino where from Africa by way of Malayo-Polynesian prior to the brutality of the Arabs, Spaniards, Japanese and Americans.

I am exceptionally selective in my choice of a Filipina because I live in a country whereby the divorce rate is HIGH. I cannot project the outcome of a marriage however; I can increase the chances of a marriage being success by being realistic, logical and providing conditions prior to becoming an unconditional loving couple. I have been blessed to travel to a variety of counties and enjoy the different cultures, foods, rituals, families, customs, and religions of various cultures within China, Twain, Vietnam, Singapore, Japan and the Philippines. I have discovered that my love, deep respect and honor seems to burn passionately for a “GOOD” Filipina.

In case you didn't notice, I am African-American (preferable 'black'), and there are people contained in my list within my own race, as well as in your race, and all over the world. Since the topic is "Filipina", I stuck with the topic however, my description is befitting of "ALL RACES". The bottom line is that list represents a person who has a different perspective of life and my country in her heart.

So, I truly apologize to you and your wife if that's what you got out of my list. Just to make things fair, I grew up on the south side of Chicago and could have easily adopted several of the attributes that listed.

My intention was to create a list based on my knowledge of interacting with people from all parts of the world for I am no stranger to the Philippines and I reiterate, I selected a Filipina because my personality and character stacks well with a Filipina compared to a woman from my own country, My list doesn't have a face or race however, since the topic was Filipina, my goal was just to stay within the scope of the topic.

[VickyP 34]

It's really interesting how some here are jumping the gun so fast and call the other person a racist just because of their own point of view.

I would also take my feet in my hands and run.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

It's really interesting how some here are jumping the gun so fast and call the other person a racist just because of their own point of view.

I would also take my feet in my hands and run.

What?

[VickyP 34]

What?

I wasn't writing about the group in general.

I didn't quote the person who called the other person a racist tho.

If you go to page two I think, you will see what I was writing about lol

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

She grasps but does not really embrace a very important subject that yraheera wrote earlier: "Doesn't seems to grasp DIHH (Dual Income House Hold)" She's always talking about getting a job but contrary to what I expected "any job" (McDonalds) comes to mind. I've explained that I'd much prefer that she educate herself, which I think would be fairly easy, enter college and aim at a $20+/hour job, since Mickey D's $8/hour today is chump change. (Note: I don't intend to demean anyone working for McD's and believe it's actually a great place to work for a year--but if a person does not move up they are in for grief in today's economy).

Frankly, I can see one of the big problems here is that you are out of work and expect your wife to work, perhaps even support you, despite moving half way around the world. I also don't grasp this DIHH nonsense despite living in one of the most liberal and expensive states in the country, Connecticut, not a single household on my street has both members of a married couple working (with an exception of maybe one who works from home).

I moved to my husband's country last year and had he been unemployed and expected me to support him in a country I was unfamiliar with and not fluent in the language of, I would have asked him to drop me back off at the airport too!

[ANA&EDDY2012 4]

Your case is very interesting but I think if I go through my texts you could find my PMS every month documented as well , but no yelling happens. Everyone is different and obviously long distance relationship just adds to the fuel. But I do believe that PMS can be extreme and ruin a relationship. Birth control can help with mood swings, cramps ,headaches ..etc. In case she changes her mind, if she isn't on birth control or oppose to it you should look into it .

Wish you the best!

I'm going to apologize to my husband for my PMS.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Frankly, I can see one of the big problems here is that you are out of work and expect your wife to work, perhaps even support you, despite moving half way around the world. I also don't grasp this DIHH nonsense despite living in one of the most liberal and expensive states in the country, Connecticut, not a single household on my street has both members of a married couple working (with an exception of maybe one who works from home).

I moved to my husband's country last year and had he been unemployed and expected me to support him in a country I was unfamiliar with and not fluent in the language of, I would have asked him to drop me back off at the airport too!

And frankly--you haven't a clue. I have no expection of my wife supporting me. Doesn't it seem odd to you that an unemployed man successfully, with no income managed to have a USCIS K1 granted?

I'm sorry that you ran into such a problem but it does not relate to me. If I wanted to I could go the rest of my life and not work--we call that retirement. I don't collect social security--but I could. I'm not loaded but I own a house with zero mortgage and an apartment house that has positive income and I won't even start to get into other investments, stocks/bonds or cash.

You are very blunt along with a hint of meanness. I hope that he enjoys that.

And you are way, way off base....

[rhein 451]

It's really interesting how some here are jumping the gun so fast and call the other person a racist just because of their own point of view.

I would also take my feet in my hands and run.

"I would also take my feet in my hands and run." ####### does that even mean?