Older American woman Younger Algerian man

[Boiler 43,549]

Red flag, red flag!

I have yet to meet the mother of a 22 yo boy that's ok with him marrying someone closer to her age.

Hmm

Nor have I.

[berber_wife 90]

What ultimately matters in the situation of an American woman who is significantly older than her fiancé, with a significantly larger amount of adult life experiences is what that man's life experiences are and his relationship skills and abilities to relate to a wife who is at a completely different place in life, with those life experiences formed in a completely different place from where the guy is coming from.

and

What matters, and what I think Futureberberwife was getting at, is how does the OP plan on dealing and adjusting to that? Can she? Will he contribute and try equally as hard?

Exactly what I was getting at.

Obviously, I do not think badly of MENA men as a whole. If I did, I wouldn't be planning on marrying one. And if I thought all older woman-younger man relationships were doomed to fail, I wouldn't have directed the OP to another member who has a happy marriage and a significant age gap. I'm a skeptical and cautious person by nature and the advice I'm given and questions I've asked in this thread would be similar if I were giving advice to a woman who was in the midst of an online romance with a USC who was 18 years her junior. For that matter, I would be advising ANY woman who was planning marriage with a guy she had never met face-to-face, regardless of age/nationality/religion, to SLOW DOWN.

And really, that's what made up a lot of the advice to the OP. No one is barging in and saying "YOU ARE DOOMED." People advised her to take things slow, get to know him well, not ignore red flags. Several large age difference couples came out of the woodwork and shared happy marriage stories. Go read some of the archives and you'll see that everyone has actually been quite gentle.

[SaharaSunset 165]

Adding, I am actually a couple years older than my husband. (insert token phrase about gee, it's a good thing he's such an old soul and I'm not really all that grown up, and am lucky to look so much younger, etc etc)

Your "token phrase" is classic!

[Madeinmorocco2 15]

The numbers jive. My kid will be nearly as old as the the OP's fiancé when I'm her age. How that's hateful is beyond me, it's just numbers. No one's been rude or hateful about it. On the other hand, you've been rude and snippy since you first chimed in here, as well as being completely off point.

Non MENA people can study MENA norms, cultures, and standards until the cows come home. What ultimately matters in the situation of an American woman who is significantly older than her fiancé, with a significantly larger amount of adult life experiences is what that man's life experiences are and his relationship skills and abilities to relate to a wife who is at a completely different place in life, with those life experiences formed in a completely different place from where the guy is coming from. If he doesn't have the actual experience, as is common in MENA, does he at least seem promising? Squawking at Futureberberwife, like it's anthropology pop quiz time, doesn't have anything to do with what she was asking. Yea, north African norms are way different from north American. Everyone's clear on that. What matters, and what I think Futureberberwife was getting at, is how does the OP plan on dealing and adjusting to that? Can she? Will he contribute and try equally as hard? That'll be up to them. Hopefully it works. Lots of people have tried, and some have succeeded. Lots haven't. But anything less than Pollyanna is like hateful, blah blah blah.

Same story just a different day/year from you.

[sparkles_ 456]

Culturally speaking, I'm 27 and my fiance is 28...I'm already seen as "too old" for him by many in his area, where is it more common for the woman to be a good 5-8yr younger if not more. A lot of us do know what we're talking about when it comes to age gaps. I asked him once about what people really think of the huge age gaps in Egypt, he said it isn't normally acceptable for the woman to be more than 3-4yr older.

OP, do you speak Arabic? I would advise you to learn so you can understand what he is saying to his family and friends around you, and know what he is really saying and family is really saying versus what he tells you and don't let him know you know. I didn't break it to my fiance that I understood about 80% of his conversations until about 6mo in....

Edited October 14, 2013 by beccabecca

[Nasturtium 500]

I know that a week is not long enough time to spend with him. I am not trying to rush into anything. We both just needed to know that it is possible for us to be together or if we needed to end it now before either of us get hurt. We are going to visit with each other more than just once. I have met his mom on Skype and she is very accepting to us. She has said that she wants her son to be happy and if I do that for him then she is ok with it. I was marred for 15 years before so I know what marriage is about. That is why I have to be sure this is what I want and he needs to be sure as well since he is younger. He wants to be with me and I want to be with him. Thanks for you advice, it is appreciated. I hope you have a great vacation.

It depends on how you define success. If a successful relationship means the person gets a visa, then yes, there are several people here who have had successful relationships. If the relationship is successful if they stay together through the whole process and afterward, then very few people have had successful relationships in this forum, scammers involved or not. So again, it depends on how you define success. Making it through various visa stages may help weed out scammers, but it doesn't necessarily account for everything including a natural relationship break down that can occur in any relationship. So as mentioned by momof1 and Sandinista, there have been very few success stories if you measure success as staying together-- even less if looking at large age gaps. Someone somewhere on this forum mentioned that informally they counted about an 85% failure rate in mena. It wouldn't be that surprising to me, but that's not based on any real count of mine.

[Nasturtium 500]

Honestly, it still amazes me after all these years visa journey is still the same. I remember six years ago, women came here including my wife and was given the same advice as it is today. There are so many age difference success stories that are forgotten about but yet we MENA younger men are only out for a Greencard. Amazing just amazing people.

I wish moderators would open a topic for successful stories of younger men married to older women so we don't have to always defend ourselves and have a place to go and tell our successful stories too.

Why don't you open one? moderators don't open topics per se, it's user-generated-- which you should know since you've been here for 6 years. You can define success however you want-- by years, by getting a visa, or whatever, then ask people to post about their successful relationships within whatever guidelines you'd like. I believe Mimo had a thread about this? Or maybe I am remembering wrong. But someone did a bit ago.

Falastin_Qalbi used to keep a record (and it's still maybe here in the archives) of visas as you should remember. That may be a starting place for some stats. Obviously it would only cover those who posted and those who in turn have reported on their relationship. The problem with claiming Sandinista's stats as being wrong is, as far as I know, there is no complete record of stats being kept anywhere. You would have a record of visas issued from USCIS, but no one keeps track of what happens in most of those marriages (if they even get married--- as some people skip out on their K1s when they get here). Also, the data as far as scamming in those failed marriages wouldn't be complete either as I imagine it's often not listed as a cause of divorce.

[Nasturtium 500]

Adding, I am actually a couple years older than my husband. (insert token phrase about gee, it's a good thing he's such an old soul and I'm not really all that grown up, and am lucky to look so much younger, etc etc)

The real sign of success is if he totally gets twss jokes.

OP-- there are a few threads on age gaps in here and you can read the stories of other members who have been with their husbands for various lengths of time. Like I said, I am not sure how you want to define success since people do it differently, but that may help.

[Mithra 1,185]

Can an older woman successfully get a younger man a visa? Yes. Are these relationships always successful? No. Successful = petitioner and beneficiary are still married post citizenship, post him getting on his feet financially, post him finishing school, etc....so let's say 5-7 years after he arrives in the US. According to my personal idea of a successful immigration relationship, most MENA relationships are not successful regardless of the ages of the husband and wife. That shouldn't discourage you, however. Any relationship can succeed or fail depending on the parties involved not depending on how old the parties are.

Edited October 14, 2013 by Mithra

[MouadsWife 161]

I certainly realize that cultural norms are different in MENA. But reading the archives, I have seen these issues come up, particularly men who hang out at the cafe drinking coffee with their friends until all hours of the night, leaving their wives sitting at home, and men that do not know how to be an equal partner in household duties such as cooking and cleaning. In no way did I mean to imply that this is a MENA specific issue since there are many mature and responsible MENA men-and plenty of immature and irresponsible American men. In fact, I would ask the exact same questions of a 40-year old American woman marrying a 22-year old American man.

He doesn't need the experience to have a successful marriage, but he needs to be prepared for the realities of stepparenting/coparenting, possibly dealing with ex-husband issues and differing perspectives on life due to the age gap-all while adjusting to a new country and culture. If he can handle that, great for him (I wouldn't have been able to when I was 22).

I'm glad that your marriage has been successful and I wish you continuing happiness in the years to come.

[MouadsWife 161]

I certainly realize that cultural norms are different in MENA. But reading the archives, I have seen these issues come up, particularly men who hang out at the cafe drinking coffee with their friends until all hours of the night, leaving their wives sitting at home, and men that do not know how to be an equal partner in household duties such as cooking and cleaning. In no way did I mean to imply that this is a MENA specific issue since there are many mature and responsible MENA men-and plenty of immature and irresponsible American men. In fact, I would ask the exact same questions of a 40-year old American woman marrying a 22-year old American man.

He doesn't need the experience to have a successful marriage, but he needs to be prepared for the realities of stepparenting/coparenting, possibly dealing with ex-husband issues and differing perspectives on life due to the age gap-all while adjusting to a new country and culture. If he can handle that, great for him (I wouldn't have been able to when I was 22).

I'm glad that your marriage has been successful and I wish you continuing happiness in the years to come.

"I have seen that a 23 year old boy here in United Stated is more immature than a 23 year old man there. My husband is from Morooco. We have an 18 year difference also. Although he is one of five brothers, third to the youngest, he managed his home there, took care of his family, raised his siblings, owned his own business, and along with his mother managed the family finances. You can not judge or even compare an American man's maturity level to theirs 'in my opinion'. Americans are very spoiled, self indulgent and take things for granted. Yes, there 'might' be a small portion over there who are likewise... but they are hard to find. My husband has been here for 3 and a half years and he nows owns his own business. He does mostly all the cooking and helps me clean. Hes a very generous and loving person. His father is the same way. I could not ask for a more loving husband. Yes going to have coffee is what they do.. does it mean they're lazy in life, uneducated in matters of life? No.

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm sorry but that above is ridiculous. 23 year old men from any country can be capable of being lazy and childish just the same as 23 year old men can be mature and responsible. It's not where they're from that matters, it's how they were raised, their own personality, and what they've been exposed to.

[MouadsWife 161]

I'm sorry but that above is ridiculous. 23 year old men from any country can be capable of being lazy and childish just the same as 23 year old men can be mature and responsible. It's not where they're from that matters, it's how they were raised, their own personality, and what they've been exposed to.

You must not have read my response very well. After I typed that sentence in my post, immediately following, I did a reideration of the sentence you took note of. In laymans terms, some are very responsible men... and some very few are not. Better?

[sandinista! 1,816]

This thread meets all the marks. SuperMENAmen wise beyond their (young) ages, a healthy amount of "My Mohammad is totes different", and a drizzle of "American mens are all lousy slobs". I feel an American Queen lurking out there, just waiting for the right time to

make its entrance though.

Your "token phrase" is classic!

[Mithra 1,185]

Yes, I read it thoroughly. Might be a chance that some aren't that way is a big change from your new layman statement.

You must not have read my response very well. After I typed that sentence in my post, immediately following, I did a reideration of the sentence you took note of. In laymans terms, some are very responsible men... and some very few are not. Better?