Moved out but now what?

[Debbiela2013 23]

Hello Everyone,

I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.

I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.

I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.

I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.

I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].

Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.

Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.

My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

[GodsGift225 54]

Sorry you are going through this... But at this point it is clear that he want nothing to do with you... I say give it sometime where you both can understand you faults, one more then the other, cause you as a women/his wife did your job, you stood by him, and treated him as one should, but that didn't help. I guess you should let the ball run, until it stops. Eventually he will admit to his bad doing, and have the courage to apologize to what he has caused you. You mention you filed a complain againsit him was that for his Citizenship? Or the green card? Sucks to hear this type of stories after a 10year GC has been issued.

My prayers go out to you.... Keep your head up!

[Ning 619]

Hello Everyone,

I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.

I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.

I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.

I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.

I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].

Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.

Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.

My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

You began this in the way you did and when you got off the plane refused to see what was right in front of you. Now you are warning people not to do what you did over and over again? Do you think anyone in your frame of mind would listen. You didn't want to see the reality yourself. I am sorry this happened but you enabled this guy from day one.

At this point you don't know what to do? Simple. Change your entire way of thinking and don't expect people you don't know to provide you with the answers to very personal problems. You of course are responsible for all of this and what you will do next. Don't allow anyone to use and abuse you again.

There are good people out there that will respect you for who you are as you are. Forget this series of mistakes which you already paid for and move on. Karma will take care of this jerk.

[Nigerian Queen 16]

Red Flag that's more of having no sense. Anybody with common sense know that if a man ain't showing any interest at all to a woman. He is either gay or don't want you. I'm sorry ,but i could never be On that level. You. Saw that that guy wasn't interested in you and you still persude a relationship with him and now you are claiming a broken heart. Im sorry that you went through that, but honey you put yourself in that.You allowed yourself to be used

[Debbiela2013 23]

Red Flag that's more of having no sense. Anybody with common sense know that if a man ain't showing any interest at all to a woman. He is either gay or don't want you. I'm sorry ,but i could never be On that level. You. Saw that that guy wasn't interested in you and you still persude a relationship with him and now you are claiming a broken heart. Im sorry that you went through that, but honey you put yourself in that.You allowed yourself to be used

Thank you for rubbing salt on my wounds. I pray no one close to you have the same experience I had. God bless you.

[Debbiela2013 23]

You began this in the way you did and when you got off the plane refused to see what was right in front of you. Now you are warning people not to do what you did over and over again? Do you think anyone in your frame of mind would listen. You didn't want to see the reality yourself. I am sorry this happened but you enabled this guy from day one.

At this point you don't know what to do? Simple. Change your entire way of thinking and don't expect people you don't know to provide you with the answers to very personal problems. You of course are responsible for all of this and what you will do next. Don't allow anyone to use and abuse you again.

There are good people out there that will respect you for who you are as you are. Forget this series of mistakes which you already paid for and move on. Karma will take care of this jerk.

Thank you. God bless and fyi, there are still some gullible women like me here and this may serve as a warning to them. It might not be for you since you are so smart and won't fall for such things.

Sorry you are going through this... But at this point it is clear that he want nothing to do with you... I say give it sometime where you both can understand you faults, one more then the other, cause you as a women/his wife did your job, you stood by him, and treated him as one should, but that didn't help. I guess you should let the ball run, until it stops. Eventually he will admit to his bad doing, and have the courage to apologize to what he has caused you. You mention you filed a complain againsit him was that for his Citizenship? Or the green card? Sucks to hear this type of stories after a 10year GC has been issued.

My prayers go out to you.... Keep your head up!

Thanks, I do appreciate your kind words. God bless you.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Debbie, when you were swooning could anyone have steered you right? A lot of people on here come back with remorse like you have, and admit they ignored glaring red flags until it was too late. I find that very sad, but any effort to tell them to "be careful" or "listen to your gut" when those red flags can be seen from across the internet is never met warmly.

[livindadream 156]

Sorry this happened to you...and sorry that some people on here throw their two cents in without an ounce of compassion...I hate online gangsters, especially the ones that wont dare to show their picture! I don't blame them though because VJ allows them to bully people that are already feeling down and they reward them with 'platinum status' which they accept proudly as if it's getting them a free room upgrade somewhere. ANYHOW...I went thru something so similar as you, in fact as I was reading it...I had to ask myself if you were somehow married to my ex. lol. I know you are feeling like you wasted so much time and money..I know you are emotionally spent, angry, hurt and confused. I felt all those things when my ex did it to me. I was embarrassed and ashamed! As for you staying and continuing on with the relationship even though you knew something was wrong from the start, don't beat yourself up over that. People do it everyday...for the kids, for finances, etc. My ex came here on a fiancé visa and before he even got here, I felt something was not right but I still went ahead with everything because I felt like if I didn't I'd be letting him and his whole family down. So I convinced myself that everything was fine instead of listening to my gut instinct. You feel like you invest so much to give in, so you just keep going praying for something to turn around. Well, it didn't...in both our cases. But I can tell you, it's not worth dealing with him anymore. Whatever is going to happen with his immigration situation is going to happen with or without you. My ex got to stay cuz he had the nerve to say I put him out and filed that VAWA or whatever it's called. I was so mad at first and all I wanted to do was fight fight fight for my name not to be dragged thru the mud. But at the end of the day, I realized he wasn't worth it. My best advice to you is just let it all go. You moved out of the house and that is a good start. You reported to the right people already that you are no longer with him and that is all you can do. The system does not work in our favor at times and I had to learn to accept that. The best thing I did for myself was to move on and close that chapter in my life. You say you are single with no child...but it's actually better you didn't have a child with him right? You will find someone one day that is worth all the things you do for him....who will appreciate all the things you do for him. Anything that a man sows, he reaps. He'll get his one day! Its been 5 years since my ex formed up his argument and walked out the door. To this day he is single, still trolling dating sites online and working in a factory just to have everyone back home stretching their hand out to be fed. I, on the other hand, am prosperous, happy and married! Every dog has his day, and he will surely have his!

[Debbiela2013 23]

Debbie, when you were swooning could anyone have steered you right? A lot of people on here come back with remorse like you have, and admit they ignored glaring red flags until it was too late. I find that very sad, but any effort to tell them to "be careful" or "listen to your gut" when those red flags can be seen from across the internet is never met warmly.

I understand what you mean and I was really swooning because he actually became really affectionate when we got home from the airport so I felt I was just too suspicious and I should give him a chance but looking back now, all the signs were there all along but I felt things will improve when we get to know each other very well and he made sure that he did everything he could to convince me so anyone who is calling me dumb should realize that if a man wants something from a woman, he will go all out till he gets it and afterwards he will show his true colors and that is exactly what happened to me. So if your guts is telling you there is something wrong, stop and look before you spend all this time, money and resources only to have nothing to show for it.

[Debbiela2013 23]

Sorry this happened to you...and sorry that some people on here throw their two cents in without an ounce of compassion...I hate online gangsters, especially the ones that wont dare to show their picture! I don't blame them though because VJ allows them to bully people that are already feeling down and they reward them with 'platinum status' which they accept proudly as if it's getting them a free room upgrade somewhere. ANYHOW...I went thru something so similar as you, in fact as I was reading it...I had to ask myself if you were somehow married to my ex. lol. I know you are feeling like you wasted so much time and money..I know you are emotionally spent, angry, hurt and confused. I felt all those things when my ex did it to me. I was embarrassed and ashamed! As for you staying and continuing on with the relationship even though you knew something was wrong from the start, don't beat yourself up over that. People do it everyday...for the kids, for finances, etc. My ex came here on a fiancé visa and before he even got here, I felt something was not right but I still went ahead with everything because I felt like if I didn't I'd be letting him and his whole family down. So I convinced myself that everything was fine instead of listening to my gut instinct. You feel like you invest so much to give in, so you just keep going praying for something to turn around. Well, it didn't...in both our cases. But I can tell you, it's not worth dealing with him anymore. Whatever is going to happen with his immigration situation is going to happen with or without you. My ex got to stay cuz he had the nerve to say I put him out and filed that VAWA or whatever it's called. I was so mad at first and all I wanted to do was fight fight fight for my name not to be dragged thru the mud. But at the end of the day, I realized he wasn't worth it. My best advice to you is just let it all go. You moved out of the house and that is a good start. You reported to the right people already that you are no longer with him and that is all you can do. The system does not work in our favor at times and I had to learn to accept that. The best thing I did for myself was to move on and close that chapter in my life. You say you are single with no child...but it's actually better you didn't have a child with him right? You will find someone one day that is worth all the things you do for him....who will appreciate all the things you do for him. Anything that a man sows, he reaps. He'll get his one day! Its been 5 years since my ex formed up his argument and walked out the door. To this day he is single, still trolling dating sites online and working in a factory just to have everyone back home stretching their hand out to be fed. I, on the other hand, am prosperous, happy and married! Every dog has his day, and he will surely have his!

You are really an encourager and I do appreciate you. I know God is a rewarder and in due time he will get what comes to him. I have moved on and right now I am just here to warn others to beware. Thank you so much, you are appreciated.

[InHisTime 110]

Hi Debbiela, hope you feel so much better as the days go by. Thank you and I appreciate you for sharing your story here, it takes courage and effort to come out in a public forum to share personal experience. But I'm sure this could also help others. Love can sometimes make lovers blind, especially when you truly have a good loving heart.

Glad that you finally have moved out and now mending your broken heart. In time God will heal your heart completely. Just go on with your life, you deserve to be happy as you are a good person. At least you have done best in your marriage, it's his great lost, not yours. You will reap good karma....and for sure God knows about this. Take care of yourself and hopefully in time you would have the man you truly deserve. You are a good christian woman, so just let him go, never exhaust yourself anymore by doing any revenge, ....just continue trusting the Lord for God's plan for you is the best. God bless.

[tbthree86 34]

Dear Debbie,

I am so very sorry for what happened to you. My heart broke when I read your story, and I quickly began praying for you. I have never posted on this site, but could not resist letting you know that all of us get fooled (blinded) by love at one time or another. My cousin once told me that there were so many red flags in a man I was married to it looked like a chinese parade. I didn't realize how many signs I missed until it was too late. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? Despite the intense sadness and anger you must feel, please let him go and worry only about your precious life. He is a predator and used you for his own selfish purposes. Sometimes our knights in shining armor are just idiots in tin foil (my dad told me that one :-).

However, a setback can be the setup for a great comeback. My life is a testimony to that very fact, and yours will be too.

[livindadream 156]

Dear Debbie,

I am so very sorry for what happened to you. My heart broke when I read your story, and I quickly began praying for you. I have never posted on this site, but could not resist letting you know that all of us get fooled (blinded) by love at one time or another. My cousin once told me that there were so many red flags in a man I was married to it looked like a chinese parade. I didn't realize how many signs I missed until it was too late. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? Despite the intense sadness and anger you must feel, please let him go and worry only about your precious life. He is a predator and used you for his own selfish purposes. Sometimes our knights in shining armor are just idiots in tin foil (my dad told me that one :-).

However, a setback can be the setup for a great comeback. My life is a testimony to that very fact, and yours will be too.

lol..that's classic!

[Penguin_ie 5,986]

**** Several posts attacking others or quoting such posts removed and one member thread banned. The OP was looking for advice, not personal attacks. If you cannot be civil, do not post. ****

[Darnell 8,478]

imo, for what's next..

1. file for divorce . seek an attorney if you think it necessary

2. find a good therapist (no, i'm not kidding)

3. rebuild yer life (this will take some time)

4. contact yer older brother, warn him about this fella, ask him to warn others locally.

5. fire off a letter to USCIS (again) noting the divorce .

6. update yer address with USCIS (immediately)

That's it, for now...