Moved out but now what?

[The Mean Lady 604]

i am sorry for what happen? but i have just one question? before you did your wedding,dont you have sex together?

That is completely inappropriate and nosy.

Not everyone has sex before they're married.

[tuja 0]

That is completely inappropriate and nosy.

Not everyone has sex before they're married.

i understand what you mean,but this is it,when it comes to distance relationship and also for any relationship that is not of the same age,not that they are virgin,i dont think there is any reason for them not to make love for atleast one or two times,in any relationship,there are some things you need to confirm now before going into it,for example,i have a friend,she is a canadian and went down to meet a guy in nigeria and could you believe that the guy didnt touch her for a whole week, with this,it is clearly open that the guy is either hiding something or not having interest in the woman and yet he still thinking of collecting from her, the world is changing and we need to be learning from it,for this what i see in this woman here is that she want to be stable with one man and she got it,but fell for christian thing,which to me it is really not working again.

these are the reason the guy may do what he did,

1. maybe he is a christian and see himself not good having sex with someone of different age,

2,he is a gay

3,he has another woman he has already promised not to have sex with another except her

4.he doesnt like the woman atall,but no matter what,even he doesnt like her,there is no way he wont have sex with her,man will always be man. that is the truth..

am sorry if i say anything wrong but that is the reality. this woman didnt make mistake,but she should have taken the step she is making after marriage before getting married.

[Debbiela2013 23]

Sorry for what happen to you,but i will like to ask,before you got married,dont you have sex? what was his reaction to you and how were you feeling then? where did you do the wedding?

To answer your questions, we didn't have sex before the marriage and we got married in my church. We earlier decided to wait till we got married before having sex.

So sorry for your pain and heartbreak. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I know how you feel. Except in my case he never made it here because I cut it off

after I investigated him throughly because something felt off. I have been on these boards since 2005 when my first visa journey started and ended (under a different user name) and I have seen, heard and read a lot of stories like yours over the years. Yes, I took a big break from VJ after my first journey came to an abrupt halt but here I am again for a second try at real love. A bit wiser may I add.

None of us are promised the certainty of a successful outcome in a relationship, not even those who yell the loudest about " people don't want to see reality."

I have not seen the obnoxious posts and don't know who got thread banned but even they are not guaranteed an everlasting relationship.

Now it is true that some are oblivious to neon -sign- flashing- red- flags, but they are where they are in life's experience and it may not be the area where someone else has

attained growth and wisdom. They loved their fiances and spouses and though they made unwise choices ...don't we all at one time or another have made them in regards to relationships ? Unless you are 16 years old I believe most of us have been around the block a few times coming out scratching our heads and contemplating "what just happened." The finger pointers judging to the OP ....they have been there too. This is not their FIRST rodeo either. So what is all the fuss they make ?

You had a short online dating time due to him coming here after only 6 months. He was able to keep his game going and if it would have taken longer you

would have eventually seen more inconsistencies, not many have the energy to keep the game going for more than a couple of years and their efforts they initially

put into the relationship will fade away and die.

I appreciate your post and what I get from it is that if anyone has a nagging feeling that something does not feel right then they should get out of it.

Personally I prefer to investigate and find out for myself before reaching that conclusion.

I have firm boundaries to begin with. They are rough and tough but neccessary in an online relationship in my opinion. Still no guarantees......but a good guideline. My advice is never settle for less than what you want. You can't change people, if a guy is acting up now he will continue or do worse after he gets here.

No one here should drop their fiance/spouse due to just reading about relationships gone bad from others and I know that is not the intention of this topic.

We all are too uniquely entwined with our individual SO's to make comparisons to someone else's bad ending.

I see the comments about "no one will listen while in their bliss" blah blah....well do these same posters listen and drop their SO's ? Of course not.

What makes these posters so arrogant to say that anyway ? Do they feel exempt from a potential failure down the yellow brick road they are currently skipping on ? It may not have hit them yet and it may not ever hit them. Time will tell but that does not give them the right to point fingers and other countries are not exempt either.

What would be helpful is a list of inconsistencies that would cause someone to think twice about going forward.

Keep in mind that what may be a red flag for one is not neccessarily a red flag for another. People aren't made out of molds and have different personalities and preferences.

Though a pattern of "games" emerges, it is still not as simple to say he does this and that and therefore must be a scammer.

Generalizations and stereotypical judgements are silly. No one outside of your relationship knows your man/woman better than you (unless someone steps forward

and tells you otherwise as an eye witness.)

Be creative in testing, investigating and let him/her earn your trust little by little, which really goes for any relationship.

Here are a few red flags I can think of:

1. Calls in the middle of the night aren't answered. Ever.

2. Long periods of not checking in like couples do, a pattern of unexplained "where the hell is he" often emerges. Set your own mutual preference time.

3. Sudden deviation from the usual routine.

4. Constant asking for gifts and money.

5. Strange background noises during a phone or web cam conversation that make you wonder....

6. Refusal of PW sharing and social network and email accounts transparency (Negotiate personal preference. )

7. Too many FB friends of the opposite sex are added and make you go WTH who are those people ?

8. Refusal to web cam.

9.No genuine interest and heartfelt sharing about the little things in his/her daily routine. He/she couldn't care less about how your day went.

10. Having the feeling of not being treated as a priority but on the bottom of the barrel with the pond scum.

These are just a few and we all have different flag alerts so please add your own so someone may be able to look deeper into things now while their SO's are still over there

and before they take that final step.

It is early on that this must be done and the ground work and boundaries must be cemented firmly, through negotiation if you will, in full diclosure and transparency and

without lies.

Again....it does not mean that he/she is definitely a player/gamer/scammer if some points apply but it should perhaps cause you to look deeper and re evaluate your

needs in a relationship. Respect and value yourself and set limits. It is ok to have zero tolerance for certain things that go against your grain.

If it does not happen now....it won't happen later ! Now is the time to step out of yourself and take a realistic look at your relationship.

Are your boundaries often overstepped ? Reinforce them or leave is my advice.

When it is over the ending is a new beginning. Soon you will feel lighter and regain new perspective and strength. Time will heal and the longer you have cut everything off with him the easier it gets. Staying in contact and texting because he does not want to answer his phone is something I advise you to stop. What is there to talk about now ?

I actually thank God for unanswered prayer, truly I do. God knows best. Remember the best is yet to come, really it is. Love yourself and enjoy your freedom, it is exciting to think about all the interesting people who will come into your life now that you are single and ready to explore new relationships. It is going to be ok.

God bless

Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for the insights and I pray someone out there is taking notes and reviewing their relationship. God bless you.

[tuja 0]

To answer your questions, we didn't have sex before the marriage and we got married in my church. We earlier decided to wait till we got married before having sex.

that is the mistake,but is not really a mistake,you want to make it holy,but this day,you can be holy by not having sex with someone you are not sure of,but when you do,please make the move before going in,even make a move on everything you will like to do in your marriage and see the reaction of the partner.this is where you wil know what you both want and not. but God will be with you.dont get too hurt, just beliefve something good is coming

[The Mean Lady 604]

This is not the place to tell people what their mistakes were in regards to having or not having sex.

That's none of your business. You can have sex before marriage if you want, OP can not have sex if they don't want.

Edited June 13, 2013 by KDH

[Debbiela2013 23]

This is not the place to tell people what their mistakes were in regards to having or not having sex.

That's none of your business. You can have sex before marriage if you want, OP can not have sex if they don't want.

Thank you

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Why should the OP compromise her convictions about her belief in order to ease her mind that he is genuine ?

Besides, he agreed to it for religeous purposes and she believed he was sincere.
Had she insisted on going the final step with him then what do you think he would have done ? Ran away ?
He would have obliged and agreed in order to not lose her so he could have continued the game of deceit.

Furthermore, if a scammer has no morals to scam someone then why would he promise "his other woman waiting in the shadows" not to have sex with his petitioner ?
He will do what it takes and use the means to the end whatever that happens to be.

Having sex or not having sex is a personal choice, not a yard stick to measure sincerity with. There are plenty of other things to find out if someone is sincere than sex.
Sometimes we see it, sometimes we don't. That is for all relationships, even USC with USC.
The OP would have really lowered her standards had she "used sex" to test him like that when it is something special for her after marriage.
I admire the OP for standing by her convictions. She did the right thing.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Several people had sex before getting married and they were scammed anyway then please let's stop with this bs that the person needs to have sex before marriage to find out if the guy is a scammer or not. If we have to measure love using sex then this world is completely lost.

[M613 6]

This is not the place to tell people what their mistakes were in regards to having or not having sex.

That's none of your business. You can have sex before marriage if you want, OP can not have sex if they don't want.

Word.

[dwheels76 5,463]

Sorry for what happen to you,but i will like to ask,before you got married,dont you have sex? what was his reaction to you and how were you feeling then? where did you do the wedding?

If you go back and read the first few post the OP stated they did not have sex before marriage they didn't want to start off like that So the answer is NO if it matters to you.

Edited June 14, 2013 by dwheels76

[dwheels76 5,463]

i understand what you mean,but this is it,when it comes to distance relationship and also for any relationship that is not of the same age,not that they are virgin,i dont think there is any reason for them not to make love for atleast one or two times,in any relationship,there are some things you need to confirm now before going into it,for example,i have a friend,she is a canadian and went down to meet a guy in nigeria and could you believe that the guy didnt touch her for a whole week, with this,it is clearly open that the guy is either hiding something or not having interest in the woman and yet he still thinking of collecting from her, the world is changing and we need to be learning from it,for this what i see in this woman here is that she want to be stable with one man and she got it,but fell for christian thing,which to me it is really not working again.

these are the reason the guy may do what he did,

1. maybe he is a christian and see himself not good having sex with someone of different age,

2,he is a gay

3,he has another woman he has already promised not to have sex with another except her

4.he doesnt like the woman atall,but no matter what,even he doesnt like her,there is no way he wont have sex with her,man will always be man. that is the truth..

am sorry if i say anything wrong but that is the reality. this woman didnt make mistake,but she should have taken the step she is making after marriage before getting married.

Like having great sex is a barometer for a long lasting loving relationship. Give me a dang break!

This is by far the weakest argument I have ever seen for why something like this could happen. Stop please

[dwheels76 5,463]

Several people had sex before getting married and they were scammed anyway then please let's stop with this bs that the person needs to have sex before marriage to find out if the guy is a scammer or not. If we have to measure love using sex then this world is completely lost.

Sorry sandranj I like totally had the same thought and about same the same thing just now. Than read what you said. hehe I was just seeing read and had to reply to olatuja.

[tuja 0]

am sorry to reply to this,but i think you are not following what this woman is complaining of here,she said the guy didnt have sex with her after marriage,i am not saying sex is love,but what i am saying is that,sometimes,you need to know whom you are dealing with,she want love,make family and to make family with children,you need sex,i dont know if you agree with me on this,but the main issue here that the woman is really not ok with is that the guy doesnt want to have sex with her. that is the main issue here and without that,the woman's plan cant never work out,because she needs her own kids too,want a family.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Amount of sexual contact is not a good relationship measure. Older stable couples have less sex than they did years before yet their relationship is probably stronger. Someone could have 20 episodes daily of 30 second sex and not be as in love than the bi weekly hour long hug cuddle and coitus. Each couple should have more or less matching sexual patterns but it is not the top measure of relationship health

[Jawaree 717]

Hi Deb....sorry about the way things ended up for you after

all you had done in giving this man a good, nurturing and

stability in the USA...You ar not to be blamed, you will find

love again a true love.

For me personally I grew up in a Christian home but I refuse

to purchase a puss in a bag.....I gotta test drive and there has

to be real karma......I wish you the best.