Is my marriage doomed before it begins?

[Not a user 0]

Is this where rants go? I hope so...

TL;DR/ SHORT VERSION:

Parents think my fiancee isn't good enough for me; so they banish me from their house and I am no longer related to them. give me your opinion.

REGULAR VERSION:

(BTW I am the man and the petitioner)

So here is the deal, I used to live really close to my fiancee; just across the border. I would see her everyday since we worked for the same company. ( Me on the USA she in MX). Company started going down and i was laid off.

On the area I was living, the job market for me (engineer) is pretty much dead, so i made the decision to move with my parents to another city 6 hours away to find a job there.

4 months later I find a very good job with great pay, everything in life is happiness, except that my girlfriend(now fiancee) is away from me and she cannot visit (tourist visa denied)I have made every effort to travel to see her as much as I could so its bearable. I had already made the decision to get married so that I could bring her over and be together and live happily ever after...

As soon as I get my first few paychecks I buy a Ring and propose...

Everything is going smooth... TOO smooth...

So I propose and we are happy, I tell her parents and they agree since they have known me for a while and they know I am a responsible guy ( no drinking, smoking, crazy partying, no drugs etc, typical serious good guy)

unlucky for me, my parents didn't respond the same way.

You see, I am 25, I am an engineer with a bachelors degree making good money working at a great company, I am 'OK' looking, not fat, have my own car, responsible, no drugs or anything like that... I come from a poor family and have worked my own way up to be the first on my family to have a University degree.

She is 20, she did not complete high school and is now working to pay for her own stuff and help her parents since they are not of very big income. She's beautiful in my eyes and MANY other guys' eyes... I know that as a fact. She is very nice person and I like her because she loves me for who I am, she pleases me in every way possible as far as the relationship goes; and she goes out of her way to show that she loves me. Our plan after getting married is for her to come over to the US; where she will get her GED and study to become a school teacher. We don't plan on having kids for now, as we are still young and we rather wait until she is settled on the new big changed that await her ( new language, new country, new HUSBAND, new career, etc)

MY parents are saying that I am COMPLETELY RUINING MY LIFE by getting married to 'HER'.

Basically, my parents kinda have this elitist idea that I should marry this tall, blonde,blue-eyed girl that makes a ton of money and comes from a wealthy family; with perfect body and everything else... Their point is that I am giving EVERYTHING to this girl without anything in exchange... That she doesn't have anything to offer to me and my marriage will fail. They are also enraged that I want to get married since that means that I will move on with my life and they wont be able to do as they wish with me and my money.

Their other point is that i am way too young (25) to get married and that i haven't lived my life, that I need to travel, date many girls, drink, party, etc... things that TO ME;are not appealing AT ALL. I enjoy quietness, being at home and going out once in a while, not everyday, clubbing is not something that I enjoy, I like traveling but I would much rather take her with me, being with her is what MAKES ME HAPPY. I really don't see any reason as to why i should keep being miserable as I am right now, by myself.

it is because of these reasons,that 2 days after i gave them the news, they decided to kick me out of the house right there and then; with no explanation or discussions I was asked to gather my stuff and leave... To be honest, That is exactly what I wanted all along, to be independent from them and live my own life, except that I didn't plan on it being so harshly and with them ending saying that I am no longer their son and that I was always a bad kid. I can assure you, I was not a perfect son in any way, but I also don't think i was the worst there is.

I don't want things to stay this way, needless to say my fiancee is devastated since she already feels unwanted by my family and this is putting even an extra toll on our relationship... as if the distance and the K-1 visa process wasn't enough...

Thanks for reading... even if it was just some of it. ADVICE IS WELCOME.

[Novembro 1,763]

If you truly love the girl and want to spend the rest of your life with her then who cares what your parents think. They aren't the ones getting married to her.

Sheesh. Your parents sound pretty harsh. It sounds like you might actually need the space that them cutting the ties has provided you with.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

It's only doomed if you let it be doomed. Don't forget, you can marry someone from your same race, same educational background, same religion, language and family structure and the marriage can still be doomed.

[Not a user 0]

If you truly love the girl and want to spend the rest of your life with her then who cares what your parents think. They aren't the ones getting married to her.

Sheesh. Your parents sound pretty harsh. It sounds like you might actually need the space that them cutting the ties has provided you with.

Thanks for reading and for your reply, Like i mentioned I DO want and like to be separated, its just the way it happened that its putting a toll on us.

It's only doomed if you let it be doomed. Don't forget, you can marry someone from your same race, same educational background, same religion, language and family structure and the marriage can still be doomed.

Thank you for your reply, you make an OUTSTANDING point. I want to marry her because we love each other; ironically, my parents raised me to always " find a girls that loves you, don't go for looks" go figure, i wish they would follow their own advice...

[Moomin 292]

Makes no sense that your parents claim you have plenty of time to live your life, date and explore when they already have in their minds who you need to marry. Unless you're all for arranged marriages, you won't find a girl they'll approve of completely unless they find her for you.

If she set off some alarm clocks with your parents, ask them directly. Or let them cool off while you re-establish yourself and figure out your next steps.

Everything comes with a sacrifice of something else. Have your parents ever met her, seen you together?

[aaron2020 11,651]

Sometimes it comes down to a very basic choice in life - the woman you love or judgmental parents.

I was in a similar position to yours. I choose the woman I love. We've been together for 3 years. I haven't talked to my parents for 3 years. Kind of ridiculous when I am over 40 years old and well capable of living my own life. Parents are crazy and unreasonable sometimes.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

There is really a couple of things that go into this:

-It is hard for parents to see you making life choices that weren't part of their "dream" for you. Most everyone's parents think that they have a very special little cupcake who must have an impossibly "perfect" partner.

- Sometimes parents have valid concerns. This is my second marriage and I'm 25 with a BS in mathematics. My first husband has his PhD in physics and my parents HATED him and for good reason. They could see he was a manipulative and slimy abuser. My second husband only finished school to age 16 (which is the end of mandatory schooling here). He has had only blue collar non-trade jobs. My dad thought I would get bored with him and my mother thought he might be a little simple. Whilst those are valid concerns about the longevity and stability of our marriage, they aren't "OMG he is a complete jerk" type issues.

How has it turned out? Amazing. My family has grown to love him and he is a great dad and an even better husband. He's catching up on the math he missed to take Calculus this upcoming semester and is doing really well at it. He thinks he'd like to attempt to get a degree in a science or engineering field.

It isn't right for them to judge her based on schooling, as just like my husband she probably wasn't given the chance or the push to get a degree.

If you love her and she loves you, then you'll weather this out. Your family will adjust to her (which is most likely) or you'll have to not have them in your life (which if they can't respect your adult decisions and future wife might be for the best).

[Moomin 292]

Sometimes it comes down to a very basic choice in life - the woman you love or judgmental parents.

I was in a similar position to yours. I choose the woman I love. We've been together for 3 years. I haven't talked to my parents for 3 years. Kind of ridiculous when I am over 40 years old and well capable of living my own life. Parents are crazy and unreasonable sometimes.

Nahh.. It's not unreasonable for parents to have standards, we all do. It's unreasonable that they can't accept your (higher) standards. And your standards must be - otherwise you would've settled for something alot easier than going through pain to be together and deal with small or larger cultural differences on a daily basis.

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I think putting a little space between you and your parents will do you a wonder of good. It will give you a chance to take a good look at things and see how you can try to get your parents to come around and be rational about this. Don't say anything you'll regret, but speak your mind and let them know how you feel. Toss the ball right back in their court and hopefully they will see the error of their ways before it does permanent damage to your relationship with them. Hopefully you will be able to make peace with them. Good luck to you and your fiance. As others have said, it's your life, your choices. As long as you are self sufficient, your parents have no right to dictate terms to you. Hang in there and be the bigger person.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Is this where rants go? I hope so...

SHORT VERSION:

Parents think my fiancee isn't good enough for me; so they banish me from their house and I am no longer related to them. give me your opinion.

My friend had her parents do the same thing. The problem for them is lack of control over her, and the assumption that faced with losing them that she would cave.

My friend sees a therapist about it. There's a lot of hurt, her parents haven't apologised for the extremely nasty things they said, she still hasn't forgiven her parents but her wedding is next year and she's trying to find a way to deal with the hurt.

Your relationship with your parents will only hurt your relationship if you let it. Yes they kicked you out, but you said you make good money so its not like you're left penniless and living on the street. It would have been worse if you brought her over here first and they insulted and hurt her and then kicked you BOTH out (similar situation happened to us). They did you a favour by telling you how they feel now, rather than later.

I would tell your fiancee that it is THEIR problem, and not hers. That once they pull their heads out of their butts and take the time to get to know her they will know how wonderful she is and how happy she makes you. They are hurting themselves more than they are hurting you, they just don't realise it yet.

[rlogan 2,036]

Your parents need to grow up.

[Not a user 0]

Makes no sense that your parents claim you have plenty of time to live your life, date and explore when they already have in their minds who you need to marry. Unless you're all for arranged marriages, you won't find a girl they'll approve of completely unless they find her for you.If she set off some alarm clocks with your parents, ask them directly. Or let them cool off while you re-establish yourself and figure out your next steps.Everything comes with a sacrifice of something else. Have your parents ever met her, seen you together?

Funny thing, when they first met her and saw us together, each one on their own, came to me and told me that they have NEVER seen me so happy in my life ( you have guessed it, they didnt like my past girlfriends either.) she became a witch from hell the moment i mentioned marriage... i mean what were they expecting?!?!

Sometimes it comes down to a very basic choice in life - the woman you love or judgmental parents.I was in a similar position to yours. I choose the woman I love. We've been together for 3 years. I haven't talked to my parents for 3 years. Kind of ridiculous when I am over 40 years old and well capable of living my own life. Parents are crazy and unreasonable sometimes.

Thank you, I made my choice when I put that beautiful diamond ring on her finger, the same one that she so proudly wears on her hand everyday since i proposed...

There is really a couple of things that go into this:-It is hard for parents to see you making life choices that weren't part of their "dream" for you. Most everyone's parents think that they have a very special little cupcake who must have an impossibly "perfect" partner.- Sometimes parents have valid concerns. This is my second marriage and I'm 25 with a BS in mathematics. My first husband has his PhD in physics and my parents HATED him and for good reason. They could see he was a manipulative and slimy abuser. My second husband only finished school to age 16 (which is the end of mandatory schooling here). He has had only blue collar non-trade jobs. My dad thought I would get bored with him and my mother thought he might be a little simple. Whilst those are valid concerns about the longevity and stability of our marriage, they aren't "OMG he is a complete jerk" type issues.How has it turned out? Amazing. My family has grown to love him and he is a great dad and an even better husband. He's catching up on the math he missed to take Calculus this upcoming semester and is doing really well at it. He thinks he'd like to attempt to get a degree in a science or engineering field. It isn't right for them to judge her based on schooling, as just like my husband she probably wasn't given the chance or the push to get a degree. If you love her and she loves you, then you'll weather this out. Your family will adjust to her (which is most likely) or you'll have to not have them in your life (which if they can't respect your adult decisions and future wife might be for the best).

Thanks, and it is very refreshing to hear someone with a similar experience doing well on their marriage... I am still debating how long to let time pass by and try to talk to them again and make them understand that there is no "perfect" girl out there for me, but I've found the one that loves me for who I am and I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Nahh.. It's not unreasonable for parents to have standards, we all do. It's unreasonable that they can't accept your (higher) standards. And your standards must be - otherwise you would've settled for something alot easier than going through pain to be together and deal with small or larger cultural differences on a daily basis.

True I understand their point, that is the difference, I see what their are saying; but they refuse to acknowledge my opinion.

I think putting a little space between you and your parents will do you a wonder of good. It will give you a chance to take a good look at things and see how you can try to get your parents to come around and be rational about this. Don't say anything you'll regret, but speak your mind and let them know how you feel. Toss the ball right back in their court and hopefully they will see the error of their ways before it does permanent damage to your relationship with them. Hopefully you will be able to make peace with them. Good luck to you and your fiance. As others have said, it's your life, your choices. As long as you are self sufficient, your parents have no right to dictate terms to you. Hang in there and be the bigger person.

When i left i tried to stay calm and quiet, I was more hurt rather than mad; I really have no idea how long it should be before I speak to them again, But I think a few weeks might just give me/them enough time to put all the facts on the table and work out a deal... I don't want to loose my parents, however; I refuse to let them step all over me.

My friend had her parents do the same thing. The problem for them is lack of control over her, and the assumption that faced with losing them that she would cave.My friend sees a therapist about it. There's a lot of hurt, her parents haven't apologised for the extremely nasty things they said, she still hasn't forgiven her parents but her wedding is next year and she's trying to find a way to deal with the hurt.Your relationship with your parents will only hurt your relationship if you let it. Yes they kicked you out, but you said you make good money so its not like you're left penniless and living on the street. It would have been worse if you brought her over here first and they insulted and hurt her and then kicked you BOTH out (similar situation happened to us). They did you a favour by telling you how they feel now, rather than later.I would tell your fiancee that it is THEIR problem, and not hers. That once they pull their heads out of their butts and take the time to get to know her they will know how wonderful she is and how happy she makes you. They are hurting themselves more than they are hurting you, they just don't realise it yet.

I hope so, That is what i told her, that all we need to do is to continue with our plans; get married, help her settle in, get better English and finally study to become a teacher( she loves kids) ... and then, as we follow our own destiny they either admit their mistake or keep living on their own little world. Im fine with either at this point.

Your parents need to grow up.

That could be the issue, If they would have presented their arguments in a more grown-up fashion... Things would be different. Thanks!

[aaron2020 11,651]

Nahh.. It's not unreasonable for parents to have standards, we all do. It's unreasonable that they can't accept your (higher) standards. And your standards must be - otherwise you would've settled for something alot easier than going through pain to be together and deal with small or larger cultural differences on a daily basis.

Not my point that parents have standards. It is unreasonable for adult parents to emotionally blackmail their ADULT son. Leave her or we will disown you is emotional blackmail. That's unreasonable under any circumstances.

Do you think it is reasonable for his parents to say leave the woman who you want to be your wife or you are no longer our son? HELL NO. THAT'S MEAN. IT'S EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. It's unreasonable to threaten anyone that way. So cruel.

Edited December 4, 2012 by aaron2020

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

I personally agree with your parents. You are too young to get married.

A guy in his 20s is just at the start of getting his fill of excitement. He is ruled in large part by his lower brain and hormones and needs to have fun in life before he can slow down and get married. If you deny yourself this utmost important phase of life, you eventually will want to catch up on it, which is why close to 80% of all marriages between 18 and 25 in the United States are doomed to fail and end up in divorce. That's a fact.

But I also feel that you are old enough to make your own decisions and mistakes, and while you should be respectful to your parents and soak in their input, by no means should you accept everything they say just because they say it.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Brother Hesekiel

[The Mean Lady 604]

I can relate to the way you feel. My husband has no real job and I have been providing for him for 3 years now. Still I know how much he means to me and what he does for me emotionally (not to.mention keeping the house clean lol) but everyone only looks at the fact that he brings in no substantial income.

My family however loves my husband. But I had an unloved boyfriend in the past that got me kicked out. After that I moved to another state with no money and no job sleeping in my car. After about 2 months I would just call my parents and see how things were. Eventually the elephant in the room disappeared And we pretended like it never happened. My bf an I moved back a year later and my parents learned to accept him. We eventually got engaged though never proceeded with a wedding as we were better friends than a couple lol.

I think that even if your marriage failed after a year no one should hold that kind o mistake over your head. Sh*t happens. Divorce happens. Go it on your own and hopefully your parents will come around.

I will however tell you to use caution and make sure you really know someone who you are filing sponsorship for. I've seen too many ppl on this site surprised by finding out their spouse wasn't the person they thought they were (and I'm not even talking about fraud). I'm talkin about only spending "honeymoon" time with people and never seeing their flaws. My husband and I just began filing after 2 years of marriage lol.

I apologize if this is all over the place as it's hard to proof my posts on my iPod but I hope hearing a similar story with an okay outcome made you feel at least a tiny bit better