Should I give up or fight for him?

[BrockUK 26]

Saylin, if I can add my two cents, I believe every situation and every person is different BUT personally I've been there a while back. The guy wasn't my husband, he was my boyfriend. We have been together 1 year, we lived together and done things that married people do, we just didn't have a paper Everything was perfect, we barely fought, we were happy, we had a lot in common, everything was "perfect". Then one day when I was working on his pc a message came up. I didn't even see what was it, I just clicked on it and there was a massage from this girl...I read through the whole conversation and it was a conversation which started months before. He knew the girl, he was telling her things he shouldn't have etc. Of course I confronted him and he had some lame excuse and I forgave him and that was a big mistake on my end. I caught him a few more times talking to her and after few months he told me he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving (and that was like a day after we had a great day and night and he was telling me how he loved me a day before)... Then I talked to his BF and he told me that my ex was telling him how he feels sorry and scared to leave me cause I was so great and he might never find a girl like me bla bla bla...I have a few examples of my girlfriends going through the same! So one thing I've learnt : people like that don't change! I don't know guys but if I had doubts I would talk to my wife/husband, I wouldn't turn to a new guy and sweet talk with him and even worse planning on meeting him! if you love someone you solve the problem or talk ( or email like in your case) but for me he looks like a cheater. I am sorry and I do hope I am wrong and you will be happy but I wouldn't like seeing you writing here in a few weeks/months that he has been doing it again... You don't tell someone one day you don't have feelings for her/him and then the next day what? You suddenly love them again? I know people have doubts, but a doubt doesn't mean no more love!

Good luck and I hope it will work out best for you!

Wow sibi777....Im so sorry that happened to you! You should not have been treated that wasy! I guess I was in the same boat, but me being the guy I was the 'lady' in the relationship.

I was with my ex-partner for 6 years. We were at the same school. We did get along despite having not a lot in common, and I really did beleive that I loved her. However, after we left school and went to different universities, I could see what she was really doing to me.

She basically emotionally blackmailed me for almost everything and anything she wanted. She never came up to see me when I was at university, but I went to see her every 4-6 weeks. I bought her birthday and anniversary presents, she bought me none. She never spent a single penny on me, I was the one buying her nice stuff and treating her. Why? because I had and always will have this belief that I HAVE to be the best boyfriend I could be.

Then the moment of truth (or so I thought) came. I had to be rushed into hospital 3 years ago because I had a minor heart attack (was only 22!). I was in hospital for 2 weeks. Did she or her family come and see me? No. When I got out, I asked her why. She said that she was on work placement and if she left she would not get a job being a vet. Being the naive person, I understood. Basically I was in an abusive relationship.

Then I met my fianceé a few months later. We were friends at the time, but my goodness she really made me smile when I was down. She got me back into my childhood love of wrestling. Lets just say my ex did not take too kindly to that (immature for my age, only fat stupid Americans like it etc...) and she wanted me to change. I mean come on how could I change something I like, does she think I have a switch or soemthing?!

We didnt speak for 3 weeks, then finally she sent me a text saying its over goodbye. After 6 years of being in that sort of relationship, did I shed a single tear? No. I smiled. I was happy. I was free to be myself and be with the person who acted the catalyst of the inevitability of the end of that relationship. My fianceé today. The love of my life, who is the complete opposite despite being the other side of the world. Kind, generous, undertanding, alwasys there for me AND we have made a book called THE BOOK OF COMMON THINGS FOR TEAM MARIOLLY.

This has nothing to do with the original post....i just wanted to share my experience of betrayal...

[sabi 148]

Wow sibi777....Im so sorry that happened to you! You should not have been treated that wasy! I guess I was in the same boat, but me being the guy I was the 'lady' in the relationship.

I was with my ex-partner for 6 years. We were at the same school. We did get along despite having not a lot in common, and I really did beleive that I loved her. However, after we left school and went to different universities, I could see what she was really doing to me.

She basically emotionally blackmailed me for almost everything and anything she wanted. She never came up to see me when I was at university, but I went to see her every 4-6 weeks. I bought her birthday and anniversary presents, she bought me none. She never spent a single penny on me, I was the one buying her nice stuff and treating her. Why? because I had and always will have this belief that I HAVE to be the best boyfriend I could be.

Then the moment of truth (or so I thought) came. I had to be rushed into hospital 3 years ago because I had a minor heart attack (was only 22!). I was in hospital for 2 weeks. Did she or her family come and see me? No. When I got out, I asked her why. She said that she was on work placement and if she left she would not get a job being a vet. Being the naive person, I understood. Basically I was in an abusive relationship.

Then I met my fianceé a few months later. We were friends at the time, but my goodness she really made me smile when I was down. She got me back into my childhood love of wrestling. Lets just say my ex did not take too kindly to that (immature for my age, only fat stupid Americans like it etc...) and she wanted me to change. I mean come on how could I change something I like, does she think I have a switch or soemthing?!

We didnt speak for 3 weeks, then finally she sent me a text saying its over goodbye. After 6 years of being in that sort of relationship, did I shed a single tear? No. I smiled. I was happy. I was free to be myself and be with the person who acted the catalyst of the inevitability of the end of that relationship. My fianceé today. The love of my life, who is the complete opposite despite being the other side of the world. Kind, generous, undertanding, alwasys there for me AND we have made a book called THE BOOK OF COMMON THINGS FOR TEAM MARIOLLY.

This has nothing to do with the original post....i just wanted to share my experience of betrayal...

To be honest? I am pretty happy it has happened to me... That's like over 3 years ago. That situation taught me one thing: not to rush into anything and allowed me to see clearly what is it that I really want and need! Thanks to that I decided to let myself breath for a while (2 years exactly) to get some perspective and thanks to all that I have met the love of my life so it all worked out perfectly for me

I am sorry about what you've been through but those experiences are really important and make us who we are now

[BrockUK 26]

To be honest? I am pretty happy it has happened to me... That's like over 3 years ago. That situation taught me one thing: not to rush into anything and allowed me to see clearly what is it that I really want and need! Thanks to that I decided to let myself breath for a while (2 years exactly) to get some perspective and thanks to all that I have met the love of my life so it all worked out perfectly for me

I am sorry about what you've been through but those experiences are really important and make us who we are now

Exactly! I couldnt agree more with you Sibi777! We are with people who we love and feel so luck to be with, we wouldnt go through all this just to be with them would we?

[sabi 148]

Exactly! I couldnt agree more with you Sibi777! We are with people who we love and feel so luck to be with, we wouldnt go through all this just to be with them would we?

Indeed

Saylin if you decide to work on your marriage and give your husband a chance make sure you don't come back to the past too much, it's usually a killer Once you're deciding you forgive, you need to be strong enough to have a trust in him again without being paranoid and checking him on every single occasion. That usually brings problems and is making things worse. That's why it is so hard for people who were cheated on(in any way) to bring themselves back together and start fresh. Otherwise the wounds will never heal...

Edited May 10, 2012 by sibi777

[Clariz 2]

Indeed

Saylin if you decide to work on your marriage and give your husband a chance make sure you don't come back to the past too much, it's usually a killer Once you're deciding you forgive, you need to be strong enough to have a trust in him again without being paranoid and checking him on every single occasion. That usually brings problems and is making things worse. That's why it is so hard for people who were cheated on(in any way) to bring themselves back together and start fresh. Otherwise the wounds will never heal...

Saylin--- chances are just around the counter-- in one of his peaceful moments let him listen to this american idol masterpiece of Jessica Sanchez-- this will help him go back to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBsnZpT7Vjs

I'm crying for you...

[Peter_Pan 661]

I would never trust him again, but that's just me.

[Fandango 1,439]

You can fight for someone til the cows come home, but if they don't want the same as you, you will be wasting your time.

But any time you do spend fighting will further your resolve if/when you realize you've wasted your time doing so.

This is your path, and only you know how you want to walk down it...no matter what you do, you'll hopefully wind up where you need to be.

Good luck.

[Ban Hammer 12,842]

saylin, i'm very sad to read this news. you've been one of the most helpful people i've ever seen on the site.

the only bits of advice i can offer are not to do anything rash. take some time to think things through. and if you two do decide to stay together, strongly consider couples counseling to help work through the issues that arise from this situation.

[SOflaherty 40]

I'm just going to lay this down here and then back away....He got busted cheating, and now says he's sorry, he won't talk to her, whatever. He is about to give you a car so you can work(be away from the house more) and you are going on a week+ long trip soon and he is not going.

What makes you believe he is telling you the truth and not just being a little better about sneaking around? He knows you have been in his Facebook, and you said yourself he deletes his text messages.

I really, TRULY hope he is sincere, and that you guys can work things out and be happy. I'm curious though what he has done to prove he has no intention of contacting her again? Has he removed her from his FB friends? Blocked her on WoW?

[Nikita2Charles 31]

I second the same advice as Charles.

People do dump things and make mistakes, for one reason or another now he's owning up to it, and admitted what he did was wrong, now here's the big challenge

He has to earn that trust, and the respect back

Perfect time to go to the Marriage counseline as a couple, and the most important things keep yourself guarded, and willing to face the eventuality, but at least in your heart you know you gave it more than 100%, then you'll be at peace at whatever decision you make.

saylin, i'm very sad to read this news. you've been one of the most helpful people i've ever seen on the site.

the only bits of advice i can offer are not to do anything rash. take some time to think things through. and if you two do decide to stay together, strongly consider couples counseling to help work through the issues that arise from this situation.

[The Rice King 1]

If people divorce for every single simple problems in a relationship, there would be no one married couple left. Every problem has a fix.

A marriage between two people is not a joke. Sometimes one needs to work harder than the other to keep the relationship going.

I guess you guys lie in front of whomever married you. You raised your right hand and swore that would never get divorced. Did you?

Now I know why the number of divorce keeps on going up and up and up and up. My parents has 65 years together. Ask them if it is is easy? not it is not a piece of cake. it is a lot of work. And yes some needs to work harder than other. But who cares as long that keep your words of sticking together for bad or good..for better or worse...so on.

People say things like "She doesn't need to change in order for him to change" They don't understand that when you SHARE your life with someone you need to CHANGE and ADJUST for the sake of both living in peace and happiness. Everyone is so quick to take her side and advice her to move on. #######! I take neither side but if she wants so save her marriage she should start by taking a closer look at her self first. Encouraging her to move on is a coward lame easy way out of a sticky situation. Yes, her situation sucks but millions of couples go through worse and they manage to save their relationship, learn from the experience and live happily after. Marriage is a roller coaster and the sooner is accepted the better is to deal with situations like these. People need to stop been so proud and humble themselves even when they are the victims. Yes, he probably fell out of love in the same way that others couple do when they get bore with their partner. Is all about evolving as a person to keep the other interested instead boring the partner with the same rabbit trick.

[AYMAN_RINA 92]

I would never trust him again, but that's just me.

I agree with you.I know myself If someone cheated me, The trust is gone and I don't want to live like that.I wouldn't want to live like that always wondering and thinking he's cheating again.It's a awful feeling.I hate cheating and lying

Saylin you seem like a strong person.I know you don't want your marriage to end.Keep faith in GOD he will never let you down

[Staashi 371]

Saylin, I've been in your position and it sucks. I believe he is already fvcking this girl...it happens. If he's driving two hours to see her, he's making a booty call as well. This relationship is a lot more involved than you can probably even imagine.

And one piece of advice: stop sleeping with him. Every time you have sex with him you're going to kill yourself inside.

[CourtneyRox 25]

Forgive someone because you believe they are truly sorry, not just because you want to keep them in your life.

[hikergirl 277]

Saylin, I wish you all the best.

You deserve happiness either with your husband or without and I don't blame you for wanting to try. In the future you will know that you gave it your best shot.

Above all else, please stay true to you. The VJ world is a much better place because of you and I'm sure everywhere you touch is the same.

Take care and know you have many people behind you.