Should I give up or fight for him?

[Sayha or bust. 71]

I hope I'm not too late but before he gets hope I suggest you download/copy/save ALL the evidence of the affair, you might need this if he gets mean with the divorce stuff (if that's the path you go down). I'll write more in another reply but I wanted to make sure you got this BEFORE you talked to him because he'll delete all evidence of it (and then deny he was having an affair).

If it a no fault divorce state, I doubt that will hold water.

[DandT14 272]

Hi Saylin,

I'm sorry for what you've been going through. You were one of the first people who talked to me here and I've always seen you being kind and helpful to other people.

I hope everything works out for you the way you want. I can't resist giving my opinions on a couple things though.

I never fight for anyone. Not friends, not men, not anyone. I don't compete for people's love. Anyone who would put me in a position of needing to compete for them is not someone I want in my life. Saying "fight for him" sounds romantic, but you really shouldn't have to fight for someone who loves you.

Facebook, and other online communities, are very tempting to someone who's confused about their feelings. Marriage is a huge adjustment, it's stressful, and there was a girl there offering stress-free fun, looking all perfect, free of marriage-related annoyances. I'm not saying what he did was ok, but it might be understandable, particularly if there was no in-person follow through. I hope that's all it was for him, and now he's gotten out of his system and realized she's not what he wants. It also sounds like he has an easier time connecting to people at a distance (i.e. online) than in person. He might be struggling with that. Then again, he might just not be ready for marriage. You'll have to watch and see.

Lastly, I want to say that you shouldn't feel bad about "snooping" on his facebook. I believe everyone has a right to privacy, but you had good cause to go looking. You needed information and you got it.

Those are my opinions, I hope it all works out. You seem like a good person who's genuinely in love. And there are few things more painful than being in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Good luck.

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

If it a no fault divorce state, I doubt that will hold water.

I was amazed and shocked reading all the "hang him high" suggestions. Oh well, I guess you have to take the valleys with the hills.

In Texas, which is a no fault state, as far as I know and as an example, they use infidelity as leverage but only for property division. I don't think our couple here has amazed any substantial assets yet.

[kate&javi 26]

I really hope that he is being sincere and truthful with you, but I would not be able to trust him anymore, if I were you.

Just my two cents. Take care of yourself FIRST.

[Neela & Jitu 79]

Saylin please give him another chance and see if he can get your trust back again.If he does the same thing again than you decide what you want to do.For now i think if he realise his mistake than thats the accomplishment.

Wishing for of you a very happy future and happy 2nd anniversary and may 21st is my birthday as well.

May God bless your relationship.

BE Happy for now.I like happy couples..

[Sayha or bust. 71]

I was amazed and shocked reading all the "hang him high" suggestions. Oh well, I guess you have to take the valleys with the hills.

In Texas, which is a no fault state, as far as I know and as an example, they use infidelity as leverage but only for property division. I don't think our couple here has amazed any substantial assets yet.

Me too but I was commenting on a post about saving all this so called damming evidence . I honestly hope they can work it out and go to counseling.

[Visitor 90]

A great many people have trouble expressing their deepest emotions face to face. Yes, they are young, but if texting and email give them a comfort zone for truly expressing themselves then go for it.

I know a great many "senior" men who never learned to verbalize their feelings. And a great many women of all ages who start to talk and then break down in heaps of tears and cannot get their thoughts out to the other.

Get with the present Annie - if this lets each really express themselves what right have you to look down on them. NONE.

Get with the present?? Really???

I think some people should get REAL!!!

Texting and emails have their place to be sure especially for long distance relationships but for people who actually LIVE TOGETHER under the SAME ROOF I think it's quite reasonable and more "present" (and real) to say they should talk face to face.

OK so maybe I'm old fashioned but I still believe that seeing a smile IN PERSON on a person's face stand or sitting in front of me is much better than a little cartoon smiley emoticon. Or maybe you think I'm behind the times for preferring to actually see tears in a person's eyes rather than see this ----> .

Nothing beats seeing the actual body language and expressions on people's faces rather than hiding behind a screen.

It's too easy to hide real feelings and expressions behind a computer screen and if more people came out face to face then maybe more truths would come out indeed.

But hey...that's just me. I like to keep it real when it comes to real life! So call me old fashioned - sticks and stones.

[Saylin 1,605]

Thanks for everyone's responses again. I was at work and came back to a lot more

Like many of you have suggested, I'm definitely treading carefully. The next few days will reveal a lot, I'm sure. Although what he did wasn't great, I'd still like to work on things if possible.

And some good news: my husband finally managed to get a hold of his aunt and I'm getting his old car this weekend!!! Which will definitely relieve some stress off him (for driving me to school and work practically every day), and as a bonus, I'll be able to extend my hours at work since I can go there anytime, instead of waiting for my husband to get off work at 5pm each day.

[PMartin37 161]

I am soooo happy to hear that he is willing to work on the relationship!! That is definitely a great first step and I know you feel some enormous relief from hearing this.

One idea I did want to float by you:

Even thought divorce is no longer looming overhead, you might want to still consider the marriage counseling. As you said communication is key. Actually, marriage counselors are experts on helping couples to communicate more effectively. I'll admit, I have times when I can't fully communicate my feelings... it can be extremely difficult when emotions are running high to pinpoint exactly what you may be feeling and have your hubby UNDERSTAND what you are talking about. I know with my husband, we often times have a cultural and/or language barrier which magnifies this problem and he often winds up looking like

Anyway, I think that we'll heavily consider marriage counseling (in fact, more than likely) because it's not just for a crisis situation.... It's for gathering tools to help you and your husband communicate better so that a situation doesn't escalate to crisis mode. I love my husband dearly as I'm sure that you do, and I don't anticipate having a crisis (who does??!) but I want to educate myself on ways to handle conflicts and/or difficult conversations in a way that will bring about a result of moving the relationship forward and intensifying feelings of love and respect for each other, rather than resentment (and all those negative feelings that tend to fester).

This is what I hope for you and your hubby. Good luck to you both and keep the faith

[Saylin 1,605]

I am soooo happy to hear that he is willing to work on the relationship!! That is definitely a great first step and I know you feel some enormous relief from hearing this.

One idea I did want to float by you:

Even thought divorce is no longer looming overhead, you might want to still consider the marriage counseling. As you said communication is key. Actually, marriage counselors are experts on helping couples to communicate more effectively. I'll admit, I have times when I can't fully communicate my feelings... it can be extremely difficult when emotions are running high to pinpoint exactly what you may be feeling and have your hubby UNDERSTAND what you are talking about. I know with my husband, we often times have a cultural and/or language barrier which magnifies this problem and he often winds up looking like

Anyway, I think that we'll heavily consider marriage counseling (in fact, more than likely) because it's not just for a crisis situation.... It's for gathering tools to help you and your husband communicate better so that a situation doesn't escalate to crisis mode. I love my husband dearly as I'm sure that you do, and I don't anticipate having a crisis (who does??!) but I want to educate myself on ways to handle conflicts and/or difficult conversations in a way that will bring about a result of moving the relationship forward and intensifying feelings of love and respect for each other, rather than resentment (and all those negative feelings that tend to fester).

This is what I hope for you and your hubby. Good luck to you both and keep the faith

You do have a good point. Even though divorce may not happen right now, marriage counselling still might be a good idea on how we can communicate better which would definitely help our relationship right now.

[Darnell 8,478]

maybe a gamer's de-programming joint counselling, for several months? unplug, rediscover the world around you. In your version of it, there's a spouse, a bed, and the opportunity for nakedness. No ethernet card required.

(just saying)

[Saylin 1,605]

maybe a gamer's de-programming joint counselling, for several months? unplug, rediscover the world around you. In your version of it, there's a spouse, a bed, and the opportunity for nakedness. No ethernet card required.

(just saying)

Thank you for this Darnell. You just brightened up my night. I shall now go to bed with a smile on my face

[R and L 5]

Oh I was so sorry to read what you're going through Saylin!

I know that a lot of people are advising to just let go of him, but personally I'm kind of person who likes to see things fully through so I can accept that I did my absolute best. So that I never need to regret that "what if..."

I've been with my hubby for 4 years and honestly it's been ups and downs and some arguments have been heavy! But we have made all our fights through, even fights that it felt like our relationship has comes to its end, it didn't. Deep down the heavy fights our love has been thankfully stronger.

So I don't know, maybe there truly exists relationships that the couple doesn't have issues, but I've never been in one. The things you're facing are really really heavy, but maybe some marriage counseling would help? I understood your hubby doesn't want to go to one, but maybe you could still try to change his mind in that? And he really does need to stop communicating with this girl! It's really not helping your relationship at all!

(F) keep strong!

[BrockUK 26]

Hey Saylin!

Fantastic news that your husband decided to wake up and smell the coffee (or tea)!! I was reading through our main website (about your journey for the Visa, which I may add is VERY inspiring!), and as I said in my previous post you personally have done SO much to get this far to be with the love of your life that I would one day would love to be in!

Communication and honesty is the key to any successful relationship, business or personal. It just so happens that this time both of them went completely down, but after Ben saw this post and realised he made a terrible mistake he is now opening up to you. Deep inside he knows what he did was wrong and yes even though he is tying to make it up to you, just be careful as the previous VJ members have mentioned.

I understand that you can be a shy woman and cannot your expressions as much as you can, but if you tell him how you feel when you feel it he will respond to it and will do everything that he can to make you happier. Open your heart, and it will encourage him to do the same! People may disagree, but this is just one man's opinion.

Lead the way and others will follow.

[sabi 148]

Saylin, if I can add my two cents, I believe every situation and every person is different BUT personally I've been there a while back. The guy wasn't my husband, he was my boyfriend. We have been together 1 year, we lived together and done things that married people do, we just didn't have a paper Everything was perfect, we barely fought, we were happy, we had a lot in common, everything was "perfect". Then one day when I was working on his pc a message came up. I didn't even see what was it, I just clicked on it and there was a massage from this girl...I read through the whole conversation and it was a conversation which started months before. He knew the girl, he was telling her things he shouldn't have etc. Of course I confronted him and he had some lame excuse and I forgave him and that was a big mistake on my end. I caught him a few more times talking to her and after few months he told me he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving (and that was like a day after we had a great day and night and he was telling me how he loved me a day before)... Then I talked to his BF and he told me that my ex was telling him how he feels sorry and scared to leave me cause I was so great and he might never find a girl like me bla bla bla...I have a few examples of my girlfriends going through the same! So one thing I've learnt : people like that don't change! I don't know guys but if I had doubts I would talk to my wife/husband, I wouldn't turn to a new guy and sweet talk with him and even worse planning on meeting him! if you love someone you solve the problem or talk ( or email like in your case) but for me he looks like a cheater. I am sorry and I do hope I am wrong and you will be happy but I wouldn't like seeing you writing here in a few weeks/months that he has been doing it again... You don't tell someone one day you don't have feelings for her/him and then the next day what? You suddenly love them again? I know people have doubts, but a doubt doesn't mean no more love!

Good luck and I hope it will work out best for you!