Should I help possibly cheating wife?

[Pinoylover 6]

She will never change! At this point she would be using you just for the 10 year Green card. As for your son if you think he will not be taken care of right then i would pursue in trying to get him back to you in the states. This is not over by a long shot! because mainly you have a child with her, but i do wish you the best..... good luck.

[Barca 10]

you have to think about your son in this situation and what is best and healthy for him...it is no longer about you both since there is a child involoved!! this really stinks!

[Rob & Monika 87]

There is no "promising not to do it again"...that's like a man promising he will stop watching porn. It's never a simple matter, the temptation is just too great. If she can admit she has a problem, then it's a good start, and I would treat this like an addiction. If her problem starts with talking with men on the internet, then she needs to admit that and be willing to be accountable to you and/or a therapist and possibly even give up the internet. Either way, her issues sound far deeper and it's going to require years of therapy as well as a genuine desire to change to actually pull it off. She's lived in a world where guys drool over her daily as she strips, it is exhilarating to her, it's like a drug.

I've been through the same thing (a cheater, not a stripper). I found out after 5 years of marriage and 1 child that she had another man on the side for 6 years. I was more than willing to stay with her assuming she would stop so that I could be with my daughter. The reality is that she didn't stop, but she never made any genuine change, or even an admission that she had a problem. She sort of inferred it was my fault. Therapy always attempted to deal with the marriage and never her inability to find contentment with what she had in life. Eventually she left, her lover didn't want her and she has been man hopping ever since.

You have a son, do you want to be able to see him regularly? If yes, then either you need to be near her in her country, or she needs to be here. Men don't win custody battles unless they can prove the mother is unfit. Even when they are, they can retake custody after getting out of rehab. Our society overwhelmingly sides with the mother in regards to custody.

I would treat this like she has a drug addiction. If she can admit she has a problem and is willing to get the help she needs, then it can't hurt to try. Otherwise you need to do whatever you need to do to be able to help raise your child.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Sorry for your situation...but I feel more for your child then you two adults...Try to do what is best for your little one. We as adults make bad decisions and can mess up the next generation.

[FinallyDone:) 10]

IMO i think you should walk away while you can. why should you help some one whom has lied to you over and over. someone who doesnt respect you. someone who isnt a good example to your child. i know it may be hard to try and be a father considering the situation but i know people who have done so and have done a good job. you can do it. you deserve better. do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. if she cheated or didnt cheat that i do know think she will ever own up to but what you found is indication that she is either doing it or has thought about doing it. good luck with everything. try to get custody of your son if you can prove she is unfit

[LSnBigBear 61]

First of all I am so sorry about what you are going through. I had similar issues with 2 ex GF's, Ex fiancee and Ex Wife of from the same country. Two of the four were former dancers as well while the other two were around foreigners prior to me. A wise friend of mine in the Philippines told me never look or go back in the event what we went through forces us to walk. I went back on two occasions and had similar issues as you. As much as it hurts move forward and forget her. I am telling you that the women in bars (for the most part) get use to the attention of other men and it is hard for them to break those ties when the newness of their relationship wears off. I can say I FINALLY wised up and found on accident my fiancee which had never dated a foreigner. She also is smart, has a degree with goals and is very good and neurtering to me. You get the total package if you look and be patient of which I never did previously. I can say I never question or worry about my fiancee being unfaithful. This is new for me. After 14 months of dating, living together in Philippines and now having long distant love while we start and process her Visa, I still have no worries. I know you can move on as well.

BTW I have been strangled, almost stabbed all due to jealousy so be aware. I believe if a woman is that jealous of us the they might be hiding some things as well. I say that tongue in cheek as with Filipinas they do have a small tendency to be jealous just based on their Spanish background from my 14 years experience in and around the Philippines and Mexico. Just be careful. You have a child so this makes it all more difficult. But keep in mind staying together for your son is not good for him unless Mom and Dad are living and loving each other the way marriage is suppose to be.

I cannot help you with her removal of conditions as I am not that knowledgable... But I can wish you luck and best wishes!

Take care

Shawn

Edited April 17, 2012 by LSnBigBear

[RickJovi 81]

Well,

i got married with a girl who did some striptease on the side for money while i met her. I guess the lust and her looks attracted me enough to marry and have a son with her. I guess you can say that i did everything wrong and made the wrong decisions in this relationship, so there is no need to tell me that. we got married without really getting to know each other and now we are always fighting. Mostly because she is controlling, in-secured, extremely jealous, and i assume the stripping prevented her from doing any hard work so we even fight about her cleaning up or cooking. If a girl walks in front of me i get accused of cheating, or if i watch a commercial with an attractive girl in it she starts a huge fight and will go as far as to say if i like watching that she will go watch guys at a strip club...

Anyway we both tried to leave the relationship and both stopped each other several times. If the fight happened in the US i stopped her because i dealt embarrassed and ashamed of what others would say when they found out what a lunatic i had for a wife. When it happened in her country she would stop me, i assume because economic reasons. Anyway, lately we had a big fight in her country while on vacation after i found out she had been in contact with a guys she had an intimate relationship with while stripping. I put a keylogg software in her laptop and read facebook messages with him chatting and planning to meet up and saying inappropriate words to each other, like my love, sweetheart ect.. She had a complete secret account for this. This was not the first time, last time she promised she would stop, since i knew the guy slept with her since he kept calling her when we were dating. I left her country and she stayed there to stay with her daughter, who she had when was 15 or 16, as well as with ym son. Anyway we kept in touch and sent her money for all three of them and she apologized and said she wanted to be with me ect.... She said she had deleted the account and did not meet the guy, so because of my son i took her back again.

I was about to file for removal of conditions for her, but that keylogger was still active, so i got emails of what she used the laptop for in her country. I noticed that she had made two other accounts and added the guy again. This stopped me from doing anything for her and her GC already expired which she knows about since we have been arguing about this until now since she keep denying it, because i haven't told her of the proof that i have.

HEre is the issue that i need advice on. What do you guys think i should do? help her or let her do the paperwork on her own? I am a little confused, sometimes i miss her sometimes i remember what she has pulled on me. I guess i miss her since i am now lonely at home since i spent two years with her, and because i want my son to grown up in a family. At the same time i know when we were together i was not able to show my son a lot of love since my mind was somewhere else form all the fighting. I am at a place of feeling responsible for her which is preventing me from asking her for a divorce. What do you guys think?

First of all I am sorry for you marriage and what you have discovered. You never related her country. Where is your wife from. Secondly, be very careful with trying to use what you obtained against her, especially here in the U.S. witht the keylogger software. It is inadmissable, illegal and charges can be filed against you for invasion of her privacy. THere is a case in Michigan where the wife sued her husband becasue he knew her password and obtained evidence of her having an affair. I am not sure of the outcome, but be very careful and smart with how you handle things legally. Don't want to see you get into trouble. At least you know that she is not wife material, so I would divorce her and be done with it. Also you cannot do anything to help her since she is not living in the U.S. and her GC has already expired. How long was she out of the U.S.? I wish the best for your son and wish you could obtain custody, but it may be very difficult to do. Good Luck. Try to let your feelings go. I have been hurt before, but like me, you can find someone who is better and worth your time. Stay away from strippers and bar girls. THey are not suitable wife material because of their profession and you would only be asking for heart ache again. Best wishes. Stay strong. I know it won't be easy but you can make it through this and survive.

[RickJovi 81]

First of all I am so sorry about what you are going through. I had similar issues with 2 ex GF's, Ex fiancee and Ex Wife of from the same country. Two of the four were former dancers as well while the other two were around foreigners prior to me. A wise friend of mine in the Philippines told me never look or go back in the event what we went through forces us to walk. I went back on two occasions and had similar issues as you. As much as it hurts move forward and forget her. I am telling you that the women in bars (for the most part) get use to the attention of other men and it is hard for them to break those ties when the newness of their relationship wears off. I can say I FINALLY wised up and found on accident my fiancee which had never dated a foreigner. She also is smart, has a degree with goals and is very good and neurtering to me. You get the total package if you look and be patient of which I never did previously. I can say I never question or worry about my fiancee being unfaithful. This is new for me. After 14 months of dating, living together in Philippines and now having long distant love while we start and process her Visa, I still have no worries. I know you can move on as well.

BTW I have been strangled, almost stabbed all due to jealousy so be aware. I believe if a woman is that jealous of us the they might be hiding some things as well. I say that tongue in cheek as with Filipinas they do have a small tendency to be jealous just based on their Spanish background from my 14 years experience in and around the Philippines and Mexico. Just be careful. You have a child so this makes it all more difficult. But keep in mind staying together for your son is not good for him unless Mom and Dad are living and loving each other the way marriage is suppose to be.

I cannot help you with her removal of conditions as I am not that knowledgable... But I can wish you luck and best wishes!

Take care

Shawn

Just curious Shawn. How did you find out his wife is from the Philippines. He has not registered information on where she is from unless I missed it while reading the messages. You are right though, he should stay away from bar girls in the Philippines. THey are nothing but prostitues and not suitable as wives. I lived there for 4 years when in the Air Force, so I know what goes on in the bars. Take care.

[goodgurl 3]

sorry for what you are going through! get rid of her and find someone who will treat you good!!

[BraveAmnay 56]

Well,

i got married with a girl who did some striptease on the side for money while i met her. I guess the lust and her looks attracted me enough to marry and have a son with her. I guess you can say that i did everything wrong and made the wrong decisions in this relationship, so there is no need to tell me that. we got married without really getting to know each other and now we are always fighting. Mostly because she is controlling, in-secured, extremely jealous, and i assume the stripping prevented her from doing any hard work so we even fight about her cleaning up or cooking. If a girl walks in front of me i get accused of cheating, or if i watch a commercial with an attractive girl in it she starts a huge fight and will go as far as to say if i like watching that she will go watch guys at a strip club...

Anyway we both tried to leave the relationship and both stopped each other several times. If the fight happened in the US i stopped her because i dealt embarrassed and ashamed of what others would say when they found out what a lunatic i had for a wife. When it happened in her country she would stop me, i assume because economic reasons. Anyway, lately we had a big fight in her country while on vacation after i found out she had been in contact with a guys she had an intimate relationship with while stripping. I put a keylogg software in her laptop and read facebook messages with him chatting and planning to meet up and saying inappropriate words to each other, like my love, sweetheart ect.. She had a complete secret account for this. This was not the first time, last time she promised she would stop, since i knew the guy slept with her since he kept calling her when we were dating. I left her country and she stayed there to stay with her daughter, who she had when was 15 or 16, as well as with ym son. Anyway we kept in touch and sent her money for all three of them and she apologized and said she wanted to be with me ect.... She said she had deleted the account and did not meet the guy, so because of my son i took her back again.

I was about to file for removal of conditions for her, but that keylogger was still active, so i got emails of what she used the laptop for in her country. I noticed that she had made two other accounts and added the guy again. This stopped me from doing anything for her and her GC already expired which she knows about since we have been arguing about this until now since she keep denying it, because i haven't told her of the proof that i have.

HEre is the issue that i need advice on. What do you guys think i should do? help her or let her do the paperwork on her own? I am a little confused, sometimes i miss her sometimes i remember what she has pulled on me. I guess i miss her since i am now lonely at home since i spent two years with her, and because i want my son to grown up in a family. At the same time i know when we were together i was not able to show my son a lot of love since my mind was somewhere else form all the fighting. I am at a place of feeling responsible for her which is preventing me from asking her for a divorce. What do you guys think?

Sorry you said you fight ,she cheat on you ,promised you she will stop saying that guy ,then she lie and creat anotehr account ,means cheat again actualy she did nto stop when she said i will,then you said i still love her .0Sorry no matter what otehrs will say you will nto do what they advice you do ,Otherone will not care about her at all & will divorce her without regret & remorse .The right question will be how i will get my son live with me as sorry her mom cheat on me and evrytime she is with diffrenet one.3 Who cheat once will cheta twice ...." Sorry again abouyt what you are living .One thing i am male so i will say this i hate who cheta in both male & female

[Grant PDX 183]

I understand where you are coming from. I am going through a break up with a current fiance, who was not a bar girl, and I was previously married to a girl who was a bar girl. My wife (the bar girl) was very difficult, very similar to your stories. We have 2 beautiful children (one who was hers before we met) and I do have custody of the kids, although she is trying to change that since she needs the child support to live on. I know it is terribly difficult, and people will give you the coarse advice to "Just leave her". While that is very easy to say, and easy to accept in our minds, our hearts have a tough time letting go (the fear of being alone, the investment we've already made). Your mind knows what to do, your heart is struggling...

As others have said, focus on your child. My advice, which is worth everything you pay for it (not much), is to stop the relationship with your wife. Having gone through it I understand your pain, but I also understand what you would be signing up for and I don't believe it is worth it.

That said, my second relationship is having cheating issues. My mind says walk away. My heart isn't ready yet for that. My second isn't due to a wild woman with low morals, it's due to unresolved feelings with an old boyfriend... I am in the same struggle you are. It is not easy.

Since there is nothing that needs to be done urgently, since she couldn't come back immediately anyway, I would recommend to you that you take some time to think. Time, as they say, heals all wounds. In 3 months or 6 months you will have a lot clearer perspective. Then follow your heart. Your heart right now today is not in any position to be dictating to your mind.

Best of luck.

[unlockingsky 94]

get down to business and start facing the facts! it would also help if you can talk to a counselor about this relationship. the counselor would be able to give you some possible guidance.

[Ingalia 0]

I think you should get on your knees and ask God what to do. He will give you the best advice. For one thing never forget about your child. God bless you I wish you the best.

[Sandra G. 5,023]

Your wife is controlling,insecure,lunatic,fight all the time and she is lazy. I think you have enough in your plate to get divorced huh? I don't think you need to add "possible cheater". Your child won't have any benefit growing up in a dysfunction house.My advice remove yourself from this situation before things get worse. You deserve better.

[Alaska2012 462]

Your number one priority should be your child,not your wife...