am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[giving_up 3]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

[NY_BX 397]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

You tend to your wife duties? I think that's key. Can you define what actually are wife duties? What's the difference between wife duties and spouse duties? If you see a difference, then connect the dots. He is claiming he tends to his husband duties and you should be grateful for that. But there's a difference: spousal duties are about respect, honesty and loyalty on both ends. That comes from within and it starts with yourself.

I will ask, and please do not feel obliged to answer (I'm just incredibly disturbed to say the least), what was the incest accusation about? To tell you the truth, if my now fiance would EVER even mention that word in a casual conversation regarding sex, I'd run away. Unless he is talking about a disturbing crime, there is no reason why incest should come up when talking about porn or sexual preferences. Only you know about this. I'm not judging you, but I must admit, to giev you advice I must judge him. You are a trophy wife and it seems like he can't careless about his relationship. He cares about having a submissive woman, hence the age gap, that'll do as he says. He is indifferent because he does NOT care, period. In his mind, he tends to his husband duties and that's all YOU should care about. He challenges you to find the DVD because he's playing it smart. He knows that, should you NOT find it, you'll stay with him. He took care of that; you're like his daughter. He mentally and verbally abused you and you stayed with him. I don't get this, I must say. You may be conservative, but you're still a woman to be respected. Men, spouses, are NOT allowed to treat anyone like that. Right now, you're disrespecting yourself.

To be frank, and this is me being open minded, I have no problems with porn. Porn is the least of your problems. This sounds like you have a big problem; some skeletons are in a trunk locked in the closet and they most be uncovered and then buried for good. If you decide to have kids with him, please protect them.

I really wish you the best of luck and I apologize in advance if I offended you.

Find strength; its in you.

[DiZZyLoX 114]

i'm so sorry. that would break my heart, too.

[Adriene H 89]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

I would take the porn thing with a grain of salt.

Every guy I've ever met looks at one form of porn or another, and

if they say they don't, they're lying

However, the other behaviour he is exhibiting is unacceptable.

But porn in itself is nothing, it's healthy. Period.

[Liz&Nate 23]

Whether or not you are overreacting depends on what you think the right reaction to this incident is. Some spouses, wouldn't mind if their SO's looked at porn. For others it is an extremely offensive issue. The one thing I would suggest is that you take everything else into account. Don't define your life by a single act.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

I would take the porn thing with a grain of salt.

Every guy I've ever met looks at one form of porn or another, and

if they say they don't, they're lying

However, the other behaviour he is exhibiting is unacceptable.

But porn in itself is nothing, it's healthy. Period.

:thumbs:

[Joandjo 20]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

If you can't be happy with someone doing these behaviors then I would look at information for spouses of sex addicts on the web for my community and at least see a spiritual leader or counsellor (together if possible) it only takes one to change! It's easy for others to give you advice but only you know what you want from your life.

[giving_up 3]

of course I knew that he would be watching porn at night, we've got cinemax and showtime! but the thing is that this was a delicate issue when we first got married and I thought we were done with that. Back then I horrified to find different "sources" of porn everywhere at his place and the incest sites he used to check bothered me the most because he has sisters and nieces plus he had that interracial sex group. We were done with this 4 yrs ago and just now that we're the happiest we have been he just decides to drive all the way to that sex shop and choose a movie, I mean, he got tired of cinemax and showtime, there's porn on-demand and still he's the one that's mad at me? man!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I would take the porn thing with a grain of salt. Every guy I've ever met looks at one form of porn or another, and if they say they don't, they're lying

However, the other behaviour he is exhibiting is unacceptable. But porn in itself is nothing, it's healthy. Period.

There's a difference between HAS looked at porn and IS looking at porn.

I know for 10000% sure that Tony doesn't look at porn. He doesn't go to strip clubs (and wouldn't). I know he DID while he was single. I know he DID while he was in the military. If I found out that even after our discussion on it and our views on the subject that he was watching porn it would rightly p*ss me off.

I don't consider porn healthy for our relationship, neither does my husband. Whether other people do or not is their business. The OP has voiced to her husband her opinion of it and he's dismissing it. Some people are okay with open relationships but if BOTH people aren't it's cheating.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[VanessaTony 3,567]

of course I knew that he would be watching porn at night, we've got cinemax and showtime! but the thing is that this was a delicate issue when we first got married and I thought we were done with that. Back then I horrified to find different "sources" of porn everywhere at his place and the incest sites he used to check bothered me the most because he has sisters and nieces plus he had that interracial sex group. We were done with this 4 yrs ago and just now that we're the happiest we have been he just decides to drive all the way to that sex shop and choose a movie, I mean, he got tired of cinemax and showtime, there's porn on-demand and still he's the one that's mad at me? man!

Ahhhh after seeing this update I understand his confusion. On the one hand you are okay with him watching porn but for some reason you're upset that he went to a movie store? He got it out of the house before you got home.

I think he's partly ticked at himself for being caught but also because it was JUST a movie and something that you already "let" him do so he doesn't think it's a big deal. You don't tell him every TV show you watch so he's not lying to you or anything. He's just watching another movie/show while you're gone. If his porn channels are anything like our regular channels there's a lot of repetition. He probably just wanted something specific or just something different.

In your situation I don't think this is a big deal.

[Boiler 45,670]

Links?????

[Peter_Pan 661]

Watching porn is ok by me, hell, I do it and I am a woman. But going further - that is paying good money and having cyber sex is a sign of something that's not ok and frankly, a sign of cheating.

Now, renting a DVD seems a bit like addiction, especially with so many free online porn.

[giving_up 3]

nope, I didn't say I was okay with him watching porn, I said I knew he'd be watching since we have those channels -unless I had blocked them but of course I wouldn't go that far - what I mean is, we had talked about this 4 yrs ago and had made a commitment, and of course now this makes me wonder if he had been doing any other kind of stuff while I was away. He had been wanting to get a book on politics and I had amazon send it to him while I was back home and he was so thrilled by the surprise, I left him movie tickets too. Uff, If only people would use the time they spend on porn trying to improve themselves their relationships...

[DiZZyLoX 114]

for me it's a big deal. for many couples it's not, but for me it is. you gotta find out what your big deal is and what isn't, then find the partner that holds the same view. finding a man that does is going to be hard, i hear...but as long as they are happy with what they have at home i don't see why it's not possible.

[Peter_Pan 661]

nope, I didn't say I was okay with him watching porn, I said I knew he'd be watching since we have those channels -unless I had blocked them but of course I wouldn't go that far - what I mean is, we had talked about this 4 yrs ago and had made a commitment, and of course now this makes me wonder if he had been doing any other kind of stuff while I was away. He had been wanting to get a book on politics and I had amazon send it to him while I was back home and he was so thrilled by the surprise, I left him movie tickets too. Uff, If only people would use the time they spend on porn trying to improve themselves their relationships...

So you were ok as long as you could pretend it wasn't happening?