am i overreacting about this porn thing?

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

Of course the actors aren't related, we know that. But still the subject matter of incest is flat out wrong. How can a person get aroused and horny watching two actors portray brother and sister, or mom and son, or dad and daughter have sex and fantasize about it? The point of porn is to visually stimilate the person watching, and if you're watching two people portray family members, that's arousing to some people? Also if there are 25k incest stories then there are 25K sick individuals. This isn't an arguement against porn, it's an argument against the subject matter and I see no defense for it.

Matt

I'll take a stab at it.. *my* guess is that she found a ton of stuff and was scanning filenames - it was probably some step-mom / son type thing (a cougar pretense video).. He on the other hand had probably clicked on numerous icons with busty hot things without giving any thought of the pretense.. "Oh! Shes hot!" *click* ... It certainly could be more than that but then I doubt the subject of this thread would be "Am I overreacting about this porn thing?" instead it would be "Husband is watching incest video!!"

This is a couple with a compatibility problem. The bulk of the blame is on him for hiding it and giving false pretense to her about whom she was getting involved. She has a choice to make now that she knows.. I mentioned before there were three basic choices (leave him, turn a blind eye, or get involved in it with him).

There is of course the fourth option that people have mentioned: Change him to be what she wants... That can only work if he sees it as a problem. Most likely he thinks the problem is not the porn but that his wife found out about the porn. That will be the problem he will fix.

[Laure&Colin 340]

I'm sorry, you can't seriously say that porn is "healthy"!

While watching some every once in a while on the web is no biggy, the whole porn industry is NOT something I'd like to support by being a repeat customer, for one thing.

But the most important thing is that porn triggers addiction in unstable people: it's like alcohol, having a glass from time to time is okay, but being compelled to drinking more and more all the time is destructive for health and social life.

Porn addicts generally start watching small "okay" movies but can't help escalating and end up paying for live sex every day, before they finally need disgusting images of violence or whatever to get satisfied. I think OP's husband falls into that category.

It's a mental disorder, not a hobby. Healthy people don't keep incest related material in their computer. The way you describe your husband's personality and behaviour (abusive, closed to discussion) is another sign something's wrong with him.

You're not naive: being naive here would be thinking that your husband's behaviour is acceptable and that everything will be okay. You have healthy limits, it's time to enforce them.

I think your husband needs to see a therapist, I wouldn't go on with our relationship without it if I were you. You can go to counselling together to help you move on as a couple, but he needs help with the terribly distorted vision of women and sex he has developped.

[Luni 3]

I'm sorry, you can't seriously say that porn is "healthy"!

While watching some every once in a while on the web is no biggy, the whole porn industry is NOT something I'd like to support by being a repeat customer, for one thing.

But the most important thing is that porn triggers addiction in unstable people: it's like alcohol, having a glass from time to time is okay, but being compelled to drinking more and more all the time is destructive for health and social life.

Porn addicts generally start watching small "okay" movies but can't help escalating and end up paying for live sex every day, before they finally need disgusting images of violence or whatever to get satisfied. I think OP's husband falls into that category.

It's a mental disorder, not a hobby. Healthy people don't keep incest related material in their computer. The way you describe your husband's personality and behaviour (abusive, closed to discussion) is another sign something's wrong with him.

You're not naive: being naive here would be thinking that your husband's behaviour is acceptable and that everything will be okay. You have healthy limits, it's time to enforce them.

I think your husband needs to see a therapist, I wouldn't go on with our relationship without it if I were you. You can go to counselling together to help you move on as a couple, but he needs help with the terribly distorted vision of women and sex he has developped.

This user sums up everything I feel.

NOT ALL MEN LOOK AT PORN. Women are only lead to believe this and are told to accept it.

WAKE UP!

[alexzy75 1]

I think yor husband has a porn addiction like a lot of american men...unfortunatly it is so common here, that it becomes the standard...when they are being just insane.

it is just like the obesity thing. In france being 20 pounds overweight is maybe 25% of ht epopulation and it is not normal. Here they became all so extrem with food and being so dumbed by accepting thise XL size for food for the same price..thinking they were making a good deal, buying things they dont need, that they became overweight..and it is consider like justr chubby when you have 20 pounds to loose, whereas in fact you are just sooo f***g fat!

so my point is that porn is bad, it is an addiction for a lot of guys because they dont know how to handle that and the porn industry is guilty of make it more and more insane (the porn of the 70s was so romantic compared to now!) and by screwing notion of union, devotion.

I know th epain of the OP for I have been dealing with it, with my ex...and well.

Guys are loosers...

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

The man is addicted to porn; we've all established that. But apparently his problem goes beyond addiction. Incest and violent sex is definetely crossing the line into sadistic behavior.

What? how did we establish that? She mentioned she found some stuff a short while after they were married and then she found a receipt for a DVD when she was gone for a few days. He may or may not have a problem but the 2-3 talked about episodes of watching porn over a five year span does not make him an addict... A perv yes but then the bulk of people fall into that category.

If my wife goes out of town for a weekend I will probably pull an all-nighter on the XBOX and yell "woohoo!" at my 48 hours of "me" time.. Does not make me a video game addict.. Him renting a video and yanking it all weekend while she was gone is hardly a crime. The fact that she is does not approve is a problem they have to work out..

[GnBnL 50]

Hey Matt, its not for me either, I'm just saying its a scary term taken out of context.

[DiZZyLoX 114]

eff that, leave his #### and then go get your serious freak on with someone who appreciates you, respects your feelings and knows you are something to lose. once you feel you've been hurt, betrayed and bested by someone you thought loved and respected you the same way you love and respect them, it's difficult to get that back.

I can't tolerate anyone assuming I'm nothing to lose. I am something to lose, and if you fail to see that we weren't meant for each other anyway. YOU have to respect yourself before you can expect anyone to respect you. You should be able to command respect out of a whole room by saying nothing at all. Anyone that loves and respects you and is even remotely worthy of you would never chance hurting you for their own personal gain, and they have the maturity level to recognize when it is a good fit for them or not. There are billions of women in the world, and no shortage of any of them would sit there and watch incest (and i'm talking brother-sister) porn with your husband. Let him scoop up one of those, while you go get that Romance Novel you deserve and know is out there.

Look at all the different opinions just on this post...6 pages of it. There are all kinds of people out there that could satisfy your and his needs. Why even waste your time?

Don't force yourself to stay with someone based on anyone's opinions but your own. You know what you need, girl. Go get it.

And don't for one second think you're going to get an answer on how to "fix him". You're not. This is who he is. You either accept it (ew) or you move on. He'll call you a crazy prude, and move on. And you'll be happy you don't have to open the computer to a mom f*ing her son.

Edited January 4, 2012 by DiZZyLoX

[GnBnL 50]

What? how did we establish that? She mentioned she found some stuff a short while after they were married and then she found a receipt for a DVD when she was gone for a few days. He may or may not have a problem but the 2-3 talked about episodes of watching porn over a five year span does not make him an addict... A perv yes but then the bulk of people fall into that category.

If my wife goes out of town for a weekend I will probably pull an all-nighter on the XBOX and yell "woohoo!" at my 48 hours of "me" time.. Does not make me a video game addict.. Him renting a video and yanking it all weekend while she was gone is hardly a crime. The fact that she is does not approve is a problem they have to work out..

Yes, I don't know what constitutes a porn addiction and why people seem to think that it will lead to a disaster. The problem with this situation is not his love for porn, but that he has been lying to her! That his solution to her disapproval is to hide it better (a common reaction to not wanting to give something up!) That's what needs to get sorted.

I know tons of men that spend time and money on porn regularly, and they function perfectly fine and you'd never know it from the outside. I think there needs to be a clear definition of "addiction" before tossing it around here.

eff that, leave his #### and then go get your serious freak on with someone who appreciates you, respects your feelings and knows you are something to lose. once you feel you've been hurt, betrayed and bested by someone you thought loved and respected you the same way you love and respect them, it's difficult to get that back.

I can't tolerate anyone assuming I'm nothing to lose. I am something to lose, and if you fail to see that we weren't meant for each other anyway. YOU have to respect yourself before you can expect anyone to respect you. You should be able to command respect out of a whole room by saying nothing at all. Anyone that loves and respects you and is even remotely worthy of you would never chance hurting you for their own personal gain, and they have the maturity level to recognize when it is a good fit for them or not. There are billions of women in the world, and no shortage of any of them would sit there and watch incest (and i'm talking brother-sister) porn with your husband. Let him scoop up one of those, while you go get that Romance Novel you deserve and know is out there.

Look at all the different opinions just on this post...6 pages of it. There are all kinds of people out there that could satisfy your and his needs. Why even waste your time?

Don't force yourself to stay with someone based on anyone's opinions but your own. You know what you need, girl. Go get it.

And don't for one second think you're going to get an answer on how to "fix him". You're not. This is who he is. You either accept it (ew) or you move on. He'll call you a crazy prude, and move on. And you'll be happy you don't have to open the computer to a mom f*ing her son.

[Matt1968 13]

I'll take a stab at it.. *my* guess is that she found a ton of stuff and was scanning filenames - it was probably some step-mom / son type thing (a cougar pretense video).. He on the other hand had probably clicked on numerous icons with busty hot things without giving any thought of the pretense.. "Oh! Shes hot!" *click* ... It certainly could be more than that but then I doubt the subject of this thread would be "Am I overreacting about this porn thing?" instead it would be "Husband is watching incest video!!"

That's quite a streeeeettttccchhhhh. I'm not buying it. She wasn't clear on what it was she found, and you're giving him to much credit. He's already proven he can't be trusted, and he has an obvious obsession with porn that transcends normal desire. If it's "incest" theme videos, it goes beyond normal taste. Til she is more clear about what she found I stand by my intial point. He's sick, and anyone who watches "incest" theme videos are sick. She mentioned finding some stuff about incest along with some porn and grouped them together, which in my opinion is a mistake. Like I said, she wasn't clear on what she found and he's proven to be slimebag to her so he gets no benefit of the doubt from me, maybe from others but not from me. She needs to leave his #### with a quickness. Someone mentioned not having kids with him or around him and I couldn't agree more. You can do better my friend, move on from this lying, sick clown.

Matt

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

[it's Victor from Russia]

Well, I think that porn is kinda personal thing, so it's imposibble to tell in general if OP overreacting or not - somebody can be very strict about porn, somebody not, so for one person it can be overreaction, and for other - normal reaction. I personally don't see anything bad in watching porn, why not to watch it? It doesn't mean that I have any problems with our relationship - I love only Amy and I'm very happy with her, and porn isn't related with love for me - I'm watching it like kind of art or movies. If Amy would tell me that I can't watch it anymore, for me it would sound strange, like "you can't watch comedy genre movies anymore" or "you can't look at cubism-style paintings anymore". Why? Why watching paintings "The Three Graces" of Rubens or "The Naked Maja" by Goya (both of them with a lot of nudity), or statue "Venus de Milo", does mean that you're enjoying the arts, and it's good but if you're watching a nude video of somebody, it's bad? It's the same nudity, just made few centuries later and with modern technology.

I got to be lucky my fiancee Amy absolutely ok with it and doesn't think, that watching porn is anything wrong, so I can keep and watch it without getting in troubles. Of course, I also never mind if she will want to keep or watch porn any time.

At the same time I can see in the first part of original post why OP was really upset. Webcam sex or sexual chatting with another person is a cheating for both of us - for me and Amy, because it's live interaction with somebody, and only one minor difference with "real" cheating - it's a wires preventing physical contact, but it's the same cheating in minds, and it shouldn't be at all in a healthy relationship for us.

Porn by itself - like a story in the internet, videoclip, flash game, DVD or photos - it's just a thing without soul and minds, so for me it's like a style of art, and I can't really understand what can be offensive if your partner watching it.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Porn is not healthy in any relationship. You should pray for your husband. "People's actions often reflect the atitude of their hearts." pornagraphy is a lustfull addiction. This problem he has can be fixed, but he has to be willing to agree that lust is the opposite of love, and to love you with his full potential means that he has to get rid of all the parasites in his life that is distracting him from you.

John

John, (for the most part) I agree with you.

IMO...porn is for the sexually immature, sexually naive, sexually depraved and sexually starved. (but) I don't think someone is automatically addicted to porn but it can certainly become an addiction and pervert / corrupt / pollute / deprive a marriage of true intimacy. I think porn can have a similar affect on a relationship as alcohol consumption. Some can handle a few drinks and others can't stop until the bottle is empty. I believe that an additiction to porn can destroy a relationship just as any other addiction.

In no way is porn "healthy". It is a vice. Period.

Edited January 4, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[alexzy75 1]

Hello, I moved to this country almost 5 yrs ago, two days after I got here I found porn stuff on the computer, I found out that my husband had been watching (and paying) for webcam sex on some asian site just the night before he went to my home country to marry me. He had an interracial sex group on yahoo and I even found stuff about incest. I was so disgusted since I'm a conservative person, he even used to tell everybody how proud he was of me being a religious person. Anyway, that time, of course he denied it was him the one who did all that, and then after a few weeks he came clean and accepted it and promised me that he wouldn't be doing stuff like that anymore, that this was part of this past and blah blah. Besides this, I had been mentally and emotionally abused by him until last year when he really changed and became a great man and we had been very very happy, even trying to conceive a 2nd baby.

On December 19th, I went to my home country to check on my mom and niece who have been having heart problems, my husband told me not to count on him going, that he would be okay here, and so, I was there for 10 days; just the day I got there they hospitalized my niece due to tachiarhythmia and she's still not well, my husband seemed supportive every time we spoke on the phone. Then, on december 31st, after I came back, I was cleaning the apartment while he was at work and found a receipt to a dvd from a place called "pleasure emporium". My heart stopped. We had just been talking on the phone and we were excited talking about our plans for the new year but then after finding that receipt I didn't know what to do, I tried not to say anything but then when he came home at 11:40pm and I heard him unlocking the door, I simply broke down. I felt disappointed to know he had driven to a place like that and had been looking around like he used to do when he was single. I thought we were done with this type of issue 4 yrs ago.

When he saw me crying he asked me what happened and I told him, he simply scoffed, turned his back and went to take a shower, then he went to lay down on the sofa like nothing happened and this upset me even more. Today we had a heavy argument on the phone because he was telling me that instead of accusing him about this I should appreciate the fact that he has two jobs so I can be home. He even said "yeah, life is good!". He asked me if I have seen the DVD around the apartment, he told me that just because I found the receipt that doesn't mean that there is a dvd, isn't that stupid? he told me to look for it to see if I could find it. I told him of course by now he must have thrown it away.

Sorry about this long post but I feel so lonely, I don't have anybody in this country and no one who I can tell this to. I'm so sad that he had to do something like that, I tend to my wife duties in every possible way, he's almost 15 yrs older than me and he's proud of me being his "young wife" but this thing he did really hit me hard, and not only that, but his indifference makes me feel disrespected as well. What to do now?

You can thank larry flint and his greedy lawyers for your couple issues now...

he is the one that fought so hard in the 70s to make porn legal so that he could become rich!

[NY_BX 397]

What? how did we establish that? She mentioned she found some stuff a short while after they were married and then she found a receipt for a DVD when she was gone for a few days. He may or may not have a problem but the 2-3 talked about episodes of watching porn over a five year span does not make him an addict... A perv yes but then the bulk of people fall into that category.

If my wife goes out of town for a weekend I will probably pull an all-nighter on the XBOX and yell "woohoo!" at my 48 hours of "me" time.. Does not make me a video game addict.. Him renting a video and yanking it all weekend while she was gone is hardly a crime. The fact that she is does not approve is a problem they have to work out..

Actually no, we didn't establish that, the OP did. The man is on Lexapro which is an anti-depressant commonly prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication for recovering addicts. What it does is balances the seratonin levels in the brain. This could've been part of a 12-step rehab program or he simply looked for help.

[giving_up 3]

Oh by the way, I neglected to mention their divorced was because, yes, he cheated on her for 10 years and it resulted in offspring. That's how she found out: he received a RECEIPT in the mail and by mistake, she opened it. It was an OBGYN bill. His addiction was manifested outside the porn.

exactly! I've been thinking, should I walk out before this escalates? this is just too much for me right now...

[giving_up 3]

In her original post, she said she found "stuff about incest." She never mentioned if it was a movie or if it was literature, but whatever. Sorry, i'm not buying it. If you fantasize about watching incest porn, you're sick. I've watched porn before, but never watched nothing about incest. Mom's screwing their son, sisters' screwing their brother, that's flat out wrong.Fantasize all you want about women, positions, places, voyerism, whatever, but incest porn..nah. I have to disagree. Even though it's porn, incest as part of the plot or the main theme is pathetic.

Matt

after I found the web cam site as the last site he had visited before going to my country to marry me, I checked his temporary internet files and that's where I found different video files with the name incest. I never watched anything, so I cannot say if it was real incest or fantasy; there were lots about interracial sex as well(I suppose because we're an interracial couple).