Domestiv Violance issue from immigrant

[SimAsh 0]

Hey All, I have brother-in-law who is abusing my sister without any respect for other human being and not having any concern for his child's mom. Mom sister and his mom does not get alone because my sister grew up here and her mom does not allow her going out shopping or leaving house to enjoy little life because she works full time. She is Registered Nurse and is well educated but she is having to deal with these very uncivilized, cruel and heartless people. As me being her brother I want to help her but really don't want to do anything stupid because he is my sister's husband (but I am so raged and don't want act out of emotion). My sister has to call the police this time on him because he beat her up really bad. However, she still did not file any charges against him because she still does not want any trouble. He came in here on my sister's spousal visa. It's been few years and now he is US citizen because after 5 years you stay here you can become US citizen. Is there anywhere in oath or clause where it says that you will loose your US citizenship and kicked out of house if you misuse your stay here (Specifically domestic violance or using violence against person who petitioned you)

Thank you

[Boiler 43,401]

No

[Anh map 2,098]

Abusers don't change. So do something before permanent injury occurs.

Don't worry about immigration, get him charged and help your sister move on.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Anh map

[aleful 1,905]

Hey All, I have brother-in-law who is abusing my sister without any respect for other human being and not having any concern for his child's mom. Mom sister and his mom does not get alone because my sister grew up here and her mom does not allow her going out shopping or leaving house to enjoy little life because she works full time. She is Registered Nurse and is well educated but she is having to deal with these very uncivilized, cruel and heartless people. As me being her brother I want to help her but really don't want to do anything stupid because he is my sister's husband (but I am so raged and don't want act out of emotion). My sister has to call the police this time on him because he beat her up really bad. However, she still did not file any charges against him because she still does not want any trouble. He came in here on my sister's spousal visa. It's been few years and now he is US citizen because after 5 years you stay here you can become US citizen. Is there anywhere in oath or clause where it says that you will loose your US citizenship and kicked out of house if you misuse your stay here (Specifically domestic violance or using violence against person who petitioned you)

Thank you

not for immigration purposes, but he can go to jail, and she can divorce him.

[nab 74]

Abusers don't change. So do something before permanent injury occurs.

Don't worry about immigration, get him charged ang help your sister move on.

i agree! forget about immigration, get him out of the home!

when she doesnt press charges she ties the hands of the people who can help her

if she does get him out of home:

restraining orders are worthless (it's just a piece of paper, not a gun or other form of "protection"), but still, get one. if he violates it and doenst kill her, that's another charge that can be brought against him. she needs to have a plan in mind for if/when he shows up on her doorstep... cops are not there to "protect", they are there to take picture of your dead body at crime scene.

she needs to understand, many people are killed by their significant other... and she is no exception. many people think "s/he wouldnt do that to me"... but she probably also thought he'd never beat the heck out of her, right?

if they have children she needs to protect them. soemtimes that's not enough to wake up an abused person to reality. so, make her realize if he is also abusing the children, and she knows, and allows it to happen, she can also be charged. both the parents will be in jail while children go to CPS.

do some research about domestic violence and be there for her but know that she will not leave (or throw him out) till SHE is ready... maybe that will be when she sees soemthing on tv that clicks with her, or he beats her to near death, or he begins to abuse the children... something will trigger it and eventually she will leave. dont isolate her, no matter what she or her husband) does or says ALWAYS let her know you are there for her so when she is ready she knows she has a place to go and soemone to turn to. dont be judgemental or she wont want to reach out to you, just be there for her. call her daily, and drop by whenever you can.

wishing you the best outcome.

[nab 74]

something many people dont realize... abusers dont just start beating you, they work on your self-esteem first, so that you will take the abuse. this may take days, weeks, months, or even years. they will verbally "down" you, i.e. "you cant do anything right". they may have anger outbursts, and then blame you i.e. "if you werent so stupid/incompetent/etc they wouldnt get so angry".

they may destroy your favorite things around the home, they may even threaten to harm a pet. they wil humilate you, isolate you from your family and friends (this is a HUGE red flag in any relationship and the beginnings of making you completely dependent upon them). they may make you quit your job, take your vehicle, take your cellphone.

the beginnings of physical abuse they may poke you or grab you too tight or tower over you to intimidate. some may throw things, break things... key is the violence escalates.

each of these steps takes time, depending on how quickly the abused person becomes "under control". once thoroughly "beaten down" mentally, the physical abuse will escalate. when you say he has beaten her, it is very likely that she has been enduring abuse from him for months or even whole time they've been together. definitely her mental state would be that she would be too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone so if she is exposing this then she is beginning to look for help. still, that may take time to break that mindset... see if you can get her out to do things that make her happy and bring her joy, get her out around people, get her back in contact with old friends, let trusted family members know what is going on and ask them for help in boosting ehr self-esteem... once that comes up she will find the strength to leave.

[SimAsh 0]

something many people dont realize... abusers dont just start beating you, they work on your self-esteem first, so that you will take the abuse. this may take days, weeks, months, or even years. they will verbally "down" you, i.e. "you cant do anything right". they may have anger outbursts, and then blame you i.e. "if you werent so stupid/incompetent/etc they wouldnt get so angry".

they may destroy your favorite things around the home, they may even threaten to harm a pet. they wil humilate you, isolate you from your family and friends (this is a HUGE red flag in any relationship and the beginnings of making you completely dependent upon them). they may make you quit your job, take your vehicle, take your cellphone.

the beginnings of physical abuse they may poke you or grab you too tight or tower over you to intimidate. some may throw things, break things... key is the violence escalates.

each of these steps takes time, depending on how quickly the abused person becomes "under control". once thoroughly "beaten down" mentally, the physical abuse will escalate. when you say he has beaten her, it is very likely that she has been enduring abuse from him for months or even whole time they've been together. definitely her mental state would be that she would be too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone so if she is exposing this then she is beginning to look for help. still, that may take time to break that mindset... see if you can get her out to do things that make her happy and bring her joy, get her out around people, get her back in contact with old friends, let trusted family members know what is going on and ask them for help in boosting ehr self-esteem... once that comes up she will find the strength to leave.

Thanks you nab and I want thank all the other kind people on this forum.

[nab 74]

Thanks you nab and I want thank all the other kind people on this forum.

you're welcome ... my heart goes out to her.

here is something thta may help you understand a little better the mindset:

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/part-2.html

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

You, as a brother, have a moral DUTY to help your sister. There are two ways to help her:

1) Grab your brother in law, then take him to a remote place and beat the living daylight out of him. When you're done, tell him if he ever lays hand on your sister, he will have a REAL problem.

2) Document and report abuse to the police.

Solution 1 is against the law, so that leaves you with solution number 2.

If you don't do anything and ignore the problem, and anything bad happens to your sister AGAIN, you are in part responsible for that. Sometimes it takes a man to be a man. Are you a man?

[Deep2009 18]

Hey All, I have brother-in-law who is abusing my sister without any respect for other human being and not having any concern for his child's mom. Mom sister and his mom does not get alone because my sister grew up here and her mom does not allow her going out shopping or leaving house to enjoy little life because she works full time. She is Registered Nurse and is well educated but she is having to deal with these very uncivilized, cruel and heartless people. As me being her brother I want to help her but really don't want to do anything stupid because he is my sister's husband (but I am so raged and don't want act out of emotion). My sister has to call the police this time on him because he beat her up really bad. However, she still did not file any charges against him because she still does not want any trouble. He came in here on my sister's spousal visa. It's been few years and now he is US citizen because after 5 years you stay here you can become US citizen. Is there anywhere in oath or clause where it says that you will loose your US citizenship and kicked out of house if you misuse your stay here (Specifically domestic violance or using violence against person who petitioned you)

Thank you

Sorry to hear that about your sister. I know how you feel, I have a sister too.

I am very much surprised that ...if your sister has called police and she does not want to go forward with the domestic violence charge...

District Attorney does not have to get her consent to go after him. They can do it without her help if there is a visible sign of abuse.

Most (I think all of states) of states have laws to go after the abuser...

I don't think if he is US citizen, he will be deported. But if he is on green card, then, a total different story...

Edited October 10, 2010 by Deep2009

[nab 74]

You, as a brother, have a moral DUTY to help your sister. There are two ways to help her:

1) Grab your brother in law, then take him to a remote place and beat the living daylight out of him. When you're done, tell him if he ever lays hand on your sister, he will have a REAL problem.

2) Document and report abuse to the police.

Solution 1 is against the law, so that leaves you with solution number 2.

If you don't do anything and ignore the problem, and anything bad happens to your sister AGAIN, you are in part responsible for that. Sometimes it takes a man to be a man. Are you a man?

this is such BS

#1 - perfect way for him to promote sympathy for the abuser form the sister. she has her mind twisted up with this guy (i.e. she did not press charges, that shows he has mental hold on her).

#2 - yes he can do that, and should. document document document - write down things because surprisingly you WILL forget things you swear you would never because much worse thigs will happen; take pictures, even if you have to pretend "let me take picture of you in that outfit, it is so lovely" or "hold the baby, i really want to get a pic of the two of you together" ... get any bruises or proof of abuse if you can.

but until SHE is going to press charges, or even just walk away form him, the cops can do nothing.

this "he-man" mentality of "are you a man?" is GARBAGE. what's he gonna do? be a caveman and go in and drag her out? that just makes her pull closer to her abuser. for someone who has never had any XP with this type of thing i understand it doesnt make sense but you have to let it be HER choice to leave, and she may hit a pretty bad place before she does.

Edited October 10, 2010 by nab

[Deep2009 18]

I totally agree with you 'nab', see my earlier post #10.

I am very surprised that DA choose not to go after the abuser and saying victim is not willingly to press charges.

Most of the State laws are like...

DA does not need to have her consent to go after the abuser in domestic disturbance/battery/violence cases.

I can also understand where the brother is coming... he want her to save marriage if she can

And does not want to be reason to destroy her marriage.

BUT the physical/mental abuse has to stop ---- 100%.

If "samash" not going to intervene, some one else has to....

.... may be family / family members. IF not then, LAW... it provides protection to victim.

"samash", look for D.V. laws in your state

Edited October 10, 2010 by Deep2009

[Harsh_77 716]

Immigration wise as everyone said, there is no such clause in oath or anywhere else.... as it was not a business deal.

But since your sister is educated and a RN, she must be used to seeing domestic abuse case in her hospital. Best bet for her would be file the charges next time he hits her she needs to press the charges so there can be record... worst case scenario if the have to file for divorce there will be record in favor of your sister.

[nab 74]

I totally agree with you 'nab', see my earlier post #10.

I am very surprised that DA choose not to go after the abuser and saying victim is not willingly to press charges.

Most of the State laws are like...

DA does not need to have her consent to go after the abuser in domestic disturbance/battery/violence cases.

I can also understand where the brother is coming... he want her to save marriage if she can

And does not want to be reason to destroy her marriage.

BUT the physical/mental abuse has to stop ---- 100%.

If "samash" not going to intervene, some one else has to....

.... may be family / family members. IF not then, LAW... it provides protection to victim.

"samash", look for D.V. laws in your state

yes i agree that DA doesnt NEED her consent, but most times they dont/wont pursue this type of thing (typical of the mindset here in USA that women and children are worthless even though we go to other countries and declare how bad they are for their abuse of women)

depends on the state, and even the area, you live. more help in city than rural areas but DAs have too much on their plate to chase after cases where the victim wont cooperate.

if there is goign to be a "he-man" mentality it is best done BEFORE the wedding... i.e. "you ever lay a hand to my sister /daughter/niece and you wont live long enough to even regret it." BTDT; it works. it lets her know she has somewhere to turn if she is EVER abused and lets the guy know he better treat her decently because she has family behind her.

as for intervening, this is an eggshell thing because you dont want her to feel you are trying to break her relationship (even though you are)... you have to just stay in constant contact and try to get her out from under his thumb and the cycle of abuse. it should be much more easy sicne she works outside the home in a full time job - there are lunchtimes where she can meet with friends and family, after work for coffee, maybe even sign up for a class on weekend or after work... be creative to get her out from under his thumb.

you cant force someone to leave a relationship, thats a decision she has to make herself. you dont want to push her deeper into the arms of this guy.

Edited October 10, 2010 by nab

[lucky Jimmy 7]

People shouldnt give such advice without hearing both sides.