Domestiv Violance issue from immigrant

[Krikit 1,163]

Post containing TOS violation following my warning has been removed. Second warning.

[jrmejia 31]

Sorry to hear about your sister. I think you have enough information to help her. Go and do it

[nane1104 146]

I agree with JustBob that you have the moral responibility of helping your sister in a situation she can't help herself (due to the abuse and manipulation by the abusive husband). I also agree with nab that SHE has to want to get out of the abusive marriage.

Now, lets find some common ground here!

I think there are a lot of ways you can be helpful to her; be supportive. Make it clear that what her husband is doing is deadwrong and once she decides to go against him, you will be there no matter what.

You also can collect evidence, photos you can take of her, not sure if you would be allowed to record conversations in which she talks about the abuse?

Give her number and addresses to women's shelters. Sometimes women don't get out because they don't know where to turn to in an emergency.

I don't know much about US law but if YOU called the police, gave them pictures and possibly other evidence, wouldn't they have to investigate?

Call the DA, find out why they never went ahead with their own investigation after she didn't press charges?

Don't be passive and wait for the next incident, it might be the last one...and any help could be to late.

[SimAsh 0]

It sounds like everyone wants to be the policeman and hero in this situation. Based on what? someones allegations? Why is everyone ready to ruin another persons life without evidence or at the minimum hearing the other side? Maybe the woman is provoking the situation or worse yet maybe she is the abuser. Maybe she abuses him emotionally or physically. Some women are very good at manipulating the system and the system along with public sentiment goes right a long with. It is pathetic that a society will forgo finding a just conclusion only to satisfy their desire to be a policeman and a hero. The "heros" themselves have become the abusers.

I have seen it happen to other men. The laws should be changed to give the accused a fair opportunity and the accuser should bear the burden of proof. The current system is extreme feminism at its best.

She is not abuser and she never took advantage of the law but she could have and filed charges against him but she didn't. We went by his house and I asked him if you loved my sister and if he wanted to be with her and his answer was no he didn't want her so I told her to get her stuff and she moved in with me. It's his loss or gain he got what he wanted.

[nab 74]

She is not abuser and she never took advantage of the law but she could have and filed charges against him but she didn't. We went by his house and I asked him if you loved my sister and if he wanted to be with her and his answer was no he didn't want her so I told her to get her stuff and she moved in with me. It's his loss or gain he got what he wanted.

you did right thing by staying calm and talking with your words and not fists. a real man thinks through a situation before he acts... exactly what you did. you asked, got info, then acted. good job! i'm happy she is out of the situation... you will need to reinforce to her daily what a good life she has ahead of her. refrain from throwing in "without him" or anything derogatory regarding him, keep focus positive and on future... she's had enough negative.

keep in mind many women go back, maybe because of the years invested, the love they hold for the person when he is not being abusive, whatever the reason just remember dont say negative things about him because it can make her feel defensive/protective of him ... you do NOT wnat to drive her back into his arms. and if soemthing happens that she does go back (there's always chance he can get counseling and they could end up back together), you do not want her to feel you are agianst him/them as a couple. really it doesnt sound like you are because you thought their marriage had a chance... hate his actions, not him, and any negativity needs to be directed at the actions, never him personally. he can change the way he behaves.... if he chooses.

best wishes for you, your sister, her child, the whole family.

[SimAsh 0]

you did right thing by staying calm and talking with your words and not fists. a real man thinks through a situation before he acts... exactly what you did. you asked, got info, then acted. good job! i'm happy she is out of the situation... you will need to reinforce to her daily what a good life she has ahead of her. refrain from throwing in "without him" or anything derogatory regarding him, keep focus positive and on future... she's had enough negative.

keep in mind many women go back, maybe because of the years invested, the love they hold for the person when he is not being abusive, whatever the reason just remember dont say negative things about him because it can make her feel defensive/protective of him ... you do NOT wnat to drive her back into his arms. and if soemthing happens that she does go back (there's always chance he can get counseling and they could end up back together), you do not want her to feel you are agianst him/them as a couple. really it doesnt sound like you are because you thought their marriage had a chance... hate his actions, not him, and any negativity needs to be directed at the actions, never him personally. he can change the way he behaves.... if he chooses.

best wishes for you, your sister, her child, the whole family.

Nab thank you. No, I never did said anything negative about him to my sister and I would not do it because I want the best life for her like any brother would. She still has bruises after 3 days and no human being would do such coward less act to a defenseless women.

[SimAsh 0]

I agree with JustBob that you have the moral responibility of helping your sister in a situation she can't help herself (due to the abuse and manipulation by the abusive husband). I also agree with nab that SHE has to want to get out of the abusive marriage.

Now, lets find some common ground here!

I think there are a lot of ways you can be helpful to her; be supportive. Make it clear that what her husband is doing is deadwrong and once she decides to go against him, you will be there no matter what.

You also can collect evidence, photos you can take of her, not sure if you would be allowed to record conversations in which she talks about the abuse?

Give her number and addresses to women's shelters. Sometimes women don't get out because they don't know where to turn to in an emergency.

I don't know much about US law but if YOU called the police, gave them pictures and possibly other evidence, wouldn't they have to investigate?

Call the DA, find out why they never went ahead with their own investigation after she didn't press charges?

Don't be passive and wait for the next incident, it might be the last one...and any help could be to late.

Thanks, no DA did not go on with their own investigation but I am going to call and find out. I want to get OK from my sister first before I take any action. Actually incident happen on Friday morning and since it's long week end may be they did not look into it.

Edited October 11, 2010 by SimAsh

[nab 74]

Nab thank you. No, I never did said anything negative about him to my sister and I would not do it because I want the best life for her like any brother would. She still has bruises after 3 days and no human being would do such coward less act to a defenseless women.

Thanks, no DA did not go on with their own investigation but I am going to call and find out. I want to get OK from my sister first before I take any action. Actually incident happen on Friday morning and since it's long week end may be they did not look into it.

hopefully you got pictures of the bruises, if not, you should do that now and label with date and how much time has passed when pics were taken from time of abuse. keep an envelope or folder with all documentation together; whether DA follows up or not, whether your sister presses charges or not, keep evidence with your important papers in a lockbox. if she wants the evidence, make copies for her. keep in your mind there is always possibilty he will come crying to her within couple weeks and talk her into dropping this but unless he is dedicated to making sure he never lays hands on her again he WILL. you may need taht evidence later.

i know some will disagree with me but i believe people dont "just change", they have to work at it and constantly be vigilant if they have behavioural issues. a good indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. abusers, cheaters, and so on dont "just change", they have to modify their thought processes and actions.

truly, do document everything because the memory is not as good as you think ... document ALL things, no matter how small they may seem because if things escalate you can show a pattern i.e. a smack on the arm can next time be grabbing the arm and twisting it to next time grabbing the hand and breaking fingers. you dont want your evidence starting at the broken fingers and DA saying there's not a pattern of abuse sso you have to wait til more violent actions occur (start a .doc file on computer or dedicate a notebook solely for this):

all contact - in person/phone, time/date, and what his behaviour was (make sure she stays COOL, CALM, and COLLECTED at all times when dealing with him)

ALL times he takes child for visitation (time/place pickup/dropoff)

any more concerns/incidents (as well as document the past ones) with either your sister OR her child. some men will begin to take out their frustrations on the child when the mother is out of reach and the way the court system is now it is standard thing for mnay years now for parents to have joint custody, so expect that he will get that (a parent has to be pretty bad not to get joint custody, even abusers dont automatically lose custody). sicne she has a child with him, she will be limited to how far away she can move, she will have to consulate with him on everything regarding the child and so on. basically motherhood in our country puts her under the control of the father of the child till the child is 18yo. it can be quite a nightmare depending on how sadistic he wants to be and how much he wants to control her life. abusers can be huge control freaks

she's very blessed to have such good brother... it's nice to know there's good guys out there.

peace be with you

Edited October 11, 2010 by nab

[SimAsh 0]

hopefully you got pictures of the bruises, if not, you should do that now and label with date and how much time has passed when pics were taken from time of abuse. keep an envelope or folder with all documentation together; whether DA follows up or not, whether your sister presses charges or not, keep evidence with your important papers in a lockbox. if she wants the evidence, make copies for her. keep in your mind there is always possibilty he will come crying to her within couple weeks and talk her into dropping this but unless he is dedicated to making sure he never lays hands on her again he WILL. you may need taht evidence later.

i know some will disagree with me but i believe people dont "just change", they have to work at it and constantly be vigilant if they have behavioural issues. a good indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. abusers, cheaters, and so on dont "just change", they have to modify their thought processes and actions.

truly, do document everything because the memory is not as good as you think ... document ALL things, no matter how small they may seem because if things escalate you can show a pattern i.e. a smack on the arm can next time be grabbing the arm and twisting it to next time grabbing the hand and breaking fingers. you dont want your evidence starting at the broken fingers and DA saying there's not a pattern of abuse sso you have to wait til more violent actions occur (start a .doc file on computer or dedicate a notebook solely for this):

all contact - in person/phone, time/date, and what his behaviour was (make sure she stays COOL, CALM, and COLLECTED at all times when dealing with him)

ALL times he takes child for visitation (time/place pickup/dropoff)

any more concerns/incidents (as well as document the past ones) with either your sister OR her child. some men will begin to take out their frustrations on the child when the mother is out of reach and the way the court system is now it is standard thing for mnay years now for parents to have joint custody, so expect that he will get that (a parent has to be pretty bad not to get joint custody, even abusers dont automatically lose custody). sicne she has a child with him, she will be limited to how far away she can move, she will have to consulate with him on everything regarding the child and so on. basically motherhood in our country puts her under the control of the father of the child till the child is 18yo. it can be quite a nightmare depending on how sadistic he wants to be and how much he wants to control her life. abusers can be huge control freaks

she's very blessed to have such good brother... it's nice to know there's good guys out there.

peace be with you

Yes, I am taking the pictures but I don't want to keep reminding her past and just want to help her to move on. Thanks again nab for sharing wise words with me.

[nab 74]

Wondering how your sister and her child are doing?

hope all are well

[SimAsh 0]

Wondering how your sister and her child are doing?

hope all are well

Thanks, Nab. She is doing better and my nephew is well too. She moved in with me and I am going to attend him at the school near me and we will try to work out the legal matters when my sister is ready. Thanks again nab for your kind advice.

[nab 74]

Thanks, Nab. She is doing better and my nephew is well too. She moved in with me and I am going to attend him at the school near me and we will try to work out the legal matters when my sister is ready. Thanks again nab for your kind advice.

relieved to hear that!

you realize that not only did you help your sister, you set an incredible example for your nephew. sometimes we're not aware of the little eyes watching ... but we can make a huge impact on them by our actions.

thanks for keeping us updated. a lot of times people only hear the bad outcomes, while there are wonderful ones that never get mentioned. so glad she is safe.

[together4evr 360]

Sometimes women remain quiet because when they talk or tell the violence escalates and gets worse.

When the police are called and he returns home, his grasp on her deepens and her brainwashing becomes more intense

She remembers the man he was or could be and forgives easily. This just tightens his control over her actions and words and silence

[Nina~ 431]

Closing thread. Please do not resurrect old thread.