Foreign Fiance flipping out...

[*Snowdrop* 603]

I came on a CR1 visa so I knew I could get home if there was an emergency and I was able to look for work etc straight away but even so the adjustment period was hard. (And that's with no language issues and I'd already spent several months living in the US with my husband before)

Ignore the tough love posters above - what your fiancee needs is patience, understanding and a little bit of preparation from you to make things easier when she arrives. If she knows how prepared you are for her arrival and that you're going to be supportive for as long as it take her to get used to her new life I'm sure she will calm down.

Things she's probably worried about...and my suggestions for how to help her

1. Being trapped in the US if there's an emergency back home she needs to get to

Lay out for her the process of applying for AP and reassure her that you will be on top of it as soon as she gets there to get it as quickly as possible. Research and let her know you have the info ready for how to apply for emergency AP via Infopass just in case something happens. Reassure her that you understand how she must be feeling but that you'll work it out together.

2. Money - giving up a job and an income can make you feel very vulnerable

Reassure her that you will be supporting her until she finds a job - depending on what you're planning to do with your finances it might help her to know that you will have a joint bank account and that she will be able to have some of her own money until she can find a job.

3. Loss of familiar things from home

Compile useful lists of shops, entertainment options, places to visit, spas, hair and nail salons etc. Create a package with maps and brochures of your area - a fun 'things to do' box. Help her see that this period of not being able to work could be a golden time for relaxing and getting to know her new home.

4. Not feeling 'at home'

My husband let me redecorate our new home and make it feel like ours. He organized lots of family and friends evenings so that I could start to feel part of the community. My mother-in-law took me to museums and shopping once a week for the first few weeks. Get your family and friends involved in welcoming her. Let her have a say in how your new home together will look and feel. Talk about all the fun things you'll do together. Talk about how soon you might be able to have her family and friends from home come and visit. Let her know she will still be able to contact people from home via the internet and phone as often as she needs to.

[AKguy 1]

Some people are a little harsh.

You can always tell her that this is still such a small step and that in the future you both will be able to look behind, and laugh at what you once were so worried about. 2-3 months extra "waiting", when the one you were waiting to be with is right there to do the time with you.

Help her find something to occupy her time as previously said. Get her a hobby. Some English classes if needed. Volunteer work. Both of you need to be creative here.

[Bernie C 24]

Some people are a little harsh.

You can always tell her that this is still such a small step and that in the future you both will be able to look behind, and laugh at what you once were so worried about. 2-3 months extra "waiting", when the one you were waiting to be with is right there to do the time with you.

Help her find something to occupy her time as previously said. Get her a hobby. Some English classes if needed. Volunteer work. Both of you need to be creative here.

right on!

And hey - I'm also the luckiest guy in the world

[Ranger431 0]

Thanks for all the support. Its not a question of not being mature enough, or not thinking this process through. Its more of an anxiety attack, a little fear of not knowing what to expect. Keep in mind she has never been outside her country, she has no parents...just brothers and cousins, and understands little English. I guess its more of a "culture shock".

No, I will not deviate from the whole process, it will take whatever long it takes. It really comes down to fear for bad part, feeling "trapped" meaning what if she can't get use to life here? What if something happens in her family which may require her presence?

I know deeply she will go through with this because its what we've been waiting for all this time. The anxiety is partly due to how fast the process is coming along, which is ahead of schedule. Its been a little over 2 months and she has already received notice from the embassy on her appointment. Its the realization of our plans, and the time has come.

[emmaline_g 2]

I think you should tell your fiancee:

"You knew what this would be like when we signed up for it. I'm sorry that it's not going to be all smooth sailing but we both knew we would have to make sacrifices. It may be an adjustment at first but things will get better. Don't know what else to tell you really."

I am actually the one who has fretted over the process numerous times (from a financial standpoint) and I'm the American. My husband is the immigrant, and after about five times of reassuring me with something like the above words he just refuses to indulge my mental freak out scenarios. Because that's all they are and they will not help anybody.

It's true that your fiance is giving up a lot to be with you, but you have given up a lot too I'm sure.

Just let your fiancee know that you will take care of her and when she gets here try to keep her occupied with ESL classes, show her around, let her meet your friends, so she does not have time to think about being homesick. Also...you are going to be living together as husband and wife! Yay! Remember that part?

edit...The visa is good for 6 months so just if she gets it soon, let her take her time until she's ready to come here. If her presence is absolutely required back in her home country (do you really think it will be in her first months here or is this just a needless freak out?) there are ways she can travel back (read VJ). Good luck to you two =)

Edited May 6, 2010 by emmaline_g

[Iqha 0]

Change is the only constant and whoever said is true. We hate change, especially us ladies. You are the only one who can help her see the beautiful things in your future. I am scared of fiancee to wife status and I am the petitioner. LOL!! But there is a reason we took this step, so keep reminding her of the good times you shared with each other.

[thongd4me 69]

...

Ask her if she really understands that marrying a man who lives thousands of miles away on another continent is an important, kind of life-changing event, and make sure that if she has serious doubts about this step, it would be better to back out now than in a few weeks or months. It would save you both a lot of trouble and headaches.

...

This is putting what I meant to say in a more diplomatic way.

No I didn't mean to be harsh, but I already have the experience

of one failed marriage with a foreign national.

I feel that when people become a married couple, they both have to

practice acceptance, in other words, "what you see (before marriage)

is what you get." In my first marriage I was overly optimistic that she

would change and the stress she was feeling would somehow go away.

No she didn't miss her family, but she had her own demons to deal with

that somehow could not be appeased.

If you are able to find it in yourself to accept her reaction and deal with

it in a way that makes both of you feel good about yourselves and each

other in the end, that's great, but if you can't find common ground before

taking the big leap, you had better re-examine your plans.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

So now that we have about 4-6 weeks before her interview, she is flipping out about coming to the US. She feels "trapped" that she will have to wait several months before she gets her residency, social, job permit, and be able to see her family again. Help! Has anyone else gone through this? This is really wearing me down, I've run out of things to say over this topic! What can I do or say to her to calm her down?

I think all you can do is listen and be patient...the move creates a number of emotions she probably hasn't expected. I'm a big grown up (35), came from Canada, speak english and can drive home when I want to visit and I still went through this.

I think it is helpful for you to initiate making plans about how you will handle these situations since she is in an emotional place...what can she do while she is waiting for her EAD or GC. Maybe she'll catch-up on her reading that she's never had time for,or maybe she'll enjoy having time to sleep-in everyday (she probably works full time now, right?). I look back at that 4 month period between when I arrived and could work and I'm sorry I didn't enjoy it more. It's the only time in my adult life where I was off and didn't have to worry too much. Maybe you can arrange for one of her family members to come visit a month or 2 after she moves? Reassure her that you are going to be there and won't let her go through the stress alone. You're going to be married after all and you want her to lean on you when she is having a hard time. Maybe you'll be able to volunteer together or find a group of folks in your town rfom her home country through Meet-up...who knows, there's so many things you could do. Find a local market where many spanish speaking people are (I see she's from Guatemala).

It isn't that she doesn't love you, more that the sh*t is hitting the proverbial fan and she's feeling stressed about it. I really like the comments above about helping her remember the happy reasons why she is doing this....she needs some stress relief, no matter how much she wants to be with you, leaving your family behind is MONUMENTALLY hard.

Honestly, I see some comments from people here which aren't helpful...stressing her out more is not going to help

[Carolina+James 1]

Does your loved one read good in english, Ranger? I suggest you invite her to participate here in VJ, with her own acc, beign able to read other people's experiences and ask how they felt on their first year in the US. Sometimes reading about other people's experiences makes you less anxious. It's one VJ's purposes: support about moving to another country. Moving here and your new life in America would be a good start too.

If she can't read much in english, she can always use the latin america regional forums, sometimes they have a sticky where people agree to speak in another language.

Edited May 6, 2010 by Carolina+James

[IndigoSkies 168]

I feel so many different emotions now. One part of me tells me to ask you to be careful because if someone is getting you so worked up even before marriage, what's going to happen down the road? Another part of me tells me to ask you to patient with her and reassure her that while she might not easily travel out of USA meanwhile she waits for paper work, she ain't exactly a prisoner of America. She can always leave America for emergencies. It's possible. Well, I'm sure you're a competent person and will know the right things you should say and/or do. Good luck, bruv.

[thongd4me 69]

I feel so many different emotions now. One part of me tells me to ask you to be careful because if someone is getting you so worked up even before marriage, what's going to happen down the road? Another part of me tells me to ask you to patient with her and reassure her that while she might not easily travel out of USA meanwhile she waits for paper work, she ain't exactly a prisoner of America. She can always leave America for emergencies. It's possible. Well, I'm sure you're a competent person and will know the right things you should say and/or do. Good luck, bruv.

Very good point. Only the OP can decide what course to take and questions such as this

don't have an easy answer.

Most people are a combination of problem makers and problem solvers to varying degrees.

My ex-wife was most often a problem maker, although she did solve problems from time to time.

My current wife had a great track record as a problem solver in both areas of work and family

before we married. I could see this because I met her family and co-workers and saw how they

respected her and was told of the problems that transpired and how she so wisely solved them.

I knew virtually nothing of my ex-wife's family or friend relationships before we married and I

played a very dear price for that ignorance.

By the way, if the problem is ME, my current wife always lets me know and I am thankful for that.

[Vivi6 12]

Hello

I am also a foreign fiance who is flipping out!

It is not an easy process, and we really did not expect it to take this long when we first filed. I have been continuously up and down throughout the whole process and we are only really at the beginning.

Also, I actually lived in the US and that is how we met. So, even though I have experienced living there and being away from family it is still worrying from time to time, knowing that this is permanent now (or will be when approved and married)

The whole not being able to work is my biggest concern, worrying about money etc and not being able to live life the way I am used to for a while until I can work again. However, you have to remember the reasons why you did this in the first place. I think these things, when put into perspective, and worth the sacrifice.

I know there will be times when I will miss my hometown and family and friends like crazy, however with the internet and skype its much more manageable. I know that we will all be able to visit each other too, and although it's not the same, if I was to stay here then I would not be able to live with my fiance and have the life that we hope for.

My now husband and I went through so many ups and downs during the K1 process. I was TERRIFIED even though, just like you, I had lived in the US before. I kept wondering if getting married was the right thing to do, we had been together forover 3 years at that point. Being an only child, it's been hard to leave family and friends behind, but I can assure you the day I got here and stepped into our new house, all the worries went away. The moment I said "I do" I knew I was going to be ok. And I am! Still frustrated about USCIS since I am filing for AOS but it should be over soon! My husband is very supportive of me missing family and he is actually making an effort to take days off work this summer and fly to Italy with me even though he will be able to only stay 1 week.

to the OP, show your support to your fiancee and tell her you will be there through thick and thin. After all, that's what marriage is all about!

[Vivi6 12]

Both of you need to be creative here.

Let's not forget more time for "business time" if you know what I mean?

Apart from the joking, the culture shock is going to be pretty massive, and I understand it's hard to feel "trapped" but if you file for AOS as soon as possible, it might be just 3 months before she can get AP. And English classes will help her find a job as soon as she has EAD. There are lots of meetups online, for example I am doing the bake for hoep this week where you bake goods to be sold and the money goes to cancer reasearch. It helps getting involved with the community and meet new people.

I understand the stress and the burden she feels, and I too feel like I have given up a lot to be with my husband but he recognizes that everyday and that really helps!

[Rob and Jill 82]

3. Loss of familiar things from home

Compile useful lists of shops, entertainment options, places to visit, spas, hair and nail salons etc. Create a package with maps and brochures of your area - a fun 'things to do' box. Help her see that this period of not being able to work could be a golden time for relaxing and getting to know her new home.

4. Not feeling 'at home'

My husband let me redecorate our new home and make it feel like ours. He organized lots of family and friends evenings so that I could start to feel part of the community. My mother-in-law took me to museums and shopping once a week for the first few weeks. Get your family and friends involved in welcoming her. Let her have a say in how your new home together will look and feel. Talk about all the fun things you'll do together. Talk about how soon you might be able to have her family and friends from home come and visit. Let her know she will still be able to contact people from home via the internet and phone as often as she needs to.

I agree 100%. Thank you for saving me the trouble of thinking it out on my own...LOL Seriously, this is a fantastic answer.

[Jadenjewel 9]

I think if anyone is truly honest about it, will agree that moving from your home country and starting a new life (even if it is with the most amazing person in the world) is a little or a lot scary.

The only thing familiar is the one you love.

It is so important to reassure, express how much you love them, tell them your hopes and dreams for your future together, and FIND out what their dreams are. Then help them plan these. If everything seems like an unknown, that is scary. Maybe you might check into English speaking courses. Work out a budget for schooling or find info for job searches. You can only decorate for just so long.

I'm Canadian and familiar with the US and will travel back and forth yet I WILL MISS the close proximity of my friends and the ability to just hang out in all my local places. I have done the research and have plans for my new life there and I'm looking forward to this opportunity and joyful life, with my best friend and partner.

Shes has anxiety and I think this is NORMAL. Let her vent and reassure, reassure, and reassure some more.

all the best to you both!