Failed marriage, can't get her to agree to divorce

[clueless55 18]

I'll try to summarise our status.

My Chinese wife arrived in the US on a K1 in July 2009, we married two months later.

Our marriage hasn't gone well. She is very stubborn, and hasn't adjusted well. I'm not abusive, but I lose patience.

She is openly rude and disrespectful to me. She values the opinions of her chinese friends over mine, even with situations specific to our life.

'Why you pay this? My friend say you no need to pay this!!' (this about CAR insurance)

I'm often told I'm stupid, and don't know anything about life in America. (On the phone with chinese friends again)

I'm a middleaged man, college graduate, and other than a few years in the military, have lived here all my life.

Her language skills have not improved much, I thought she spoke OK english when we met. She makes no effort to READ english. She's in danger of being thrown out of the ESL classes she has been attending for over a year due to not observing the classroom rules and lack of basic courtesy.

I was totally honest with her about my finances, and life, in general when we met, and tried to assure she understood I had some debts to pay off. I mentioned this during out courtship, verbally.....in emails, etc. REPEATEDLY.

About the time she arrived in the US, the economy took a dump.....( can I blame her?) My work slowed, and eventually I was laid off my job.

We were arguing a bit before then. When I was laid off, she instructed me to move into the spare bedroom. ( I do snore) This was last june, and we have not slept together since then. I was without work for about a month and a half, which gave me more time at home.

I discovered she was chatting with men on Yahoo, and talking to them on her cell phone. Some as close as a few miles away, others a few hundred miles away.

Occasionally she would get rides home from shopping from somebody who dropped her off out of sight of our house.

I've got the cell phone records, and called several of the men who told me she claimed she was single.

Financially, we were struggling at this time.

I mentioned divorce. She claims she doesn't like me. She told me it wasn't fair to her, since we lived in a rented house......I did not own a house she could get half of.

The state we married in, and are residents of, has a one year separation period before divorce, or a one year abandonment provision.

I offered to pay her way back to China, and support her for a year.....at a monthly rate higher than she was earning when we met.

She said 'Not enough'.

She usually screened the incoming mail when it arrived. She handed me 'my mail'. I opened an envelope without looking. It was a bank statement for a secret bank account of hers, at a local bank. She has more savings than I do. (thousands)

A few weeks earlier I had helped her open up another bank account, with a smaller sum of 'her' money. As far as I knew, after 8 months of marriage, that was all she had.

I was still unemployed at this time, with a job interview looming. She wanted to visit a friend in another state. I was disgusted with her. I offered her a one way plane ticket, praying she wouldn't come back.

The new job I was interviewing for meant I had to travel a lot. I started it a few days after she left.

She came back on her own 2 weeks later, while I was gone.

Since then, things have been rockier. I like the lady, sometimes. I understand she is stubborn. I don't understand why she wants to continue to live with me if she thinks I'm so worthless......other than to stay in the US.

I make about 25% less at my current job, and have to be away from home up to 3 weeks at a time. She gets rides to school with a teacher or friend, and sometimes shopping. I know she is bored. She is still chatting with guys on the internet, and I found more strange phone numbers on our cell phone bill.

She also has a profile on a dating site...with a picture I took of her, and giving her age as 4 years younger. I made a screenshot of the profile I've kept.

She tells me she chats with guys because she is lonely, and they are just friends, and she is also trying to find american guys for her friends back in china. I told her to stop it. She hasn't.

I let her see anything on my laptop. i have nothing to hide. When i get near our home PC when she is on it, she is busy hiding things, closing windows, etc.

I don't trust her. She doesn't trust me. She thinks I have money hidden. (I don't)

I'm struggling to pay our bills,and some back debts.

I know she has friends who are telling her angles to work, in case I try to force a divorce. She keeps telling me 'you go out of town and no leave me money for food'. I do, cash, most of the time. I also set up a bank account with a small amount she could access with a debit card I gave her, and I could replenish from my bank account if I was stuck out of town. She has never used this money.

She also tells me she will lose face if she divorces, and has to go back to china. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in the spare bedroom, supporting an stubborn chinese woman who treats me with disdain. I don't care about her 'face'. I sure as hell don't have any.

I'm still pretty broke. I'm trying to summon enough savings to offer her a ticket back to china, and some cash, before we are supposed to apply for her ten year green card. I have no other plan, other than to not cooperate with the paperwork.

I feel sorry for her. She's a middleaged Chinese woman with no job or apartment to go back to, but I don't see her changing enough to make my life tolerable.

I almost think she is retarded at times, she's so stubborn. Then I realize it's a mixture of her lack of english skills, and her stubborness.

I have to explain the same things to her, every month. Next month she will claim I never told her about these things, and we start all over again.

She's also taken to investing some of her money in stocks, and has lost about 1/4 of it. When I found out about this secret money, she told me it was from her father. I don't want it. I want her to preserve it in case she needs it to live on...BACK IN CHINA. I'm afraid she'll lose it all.

I don't mean to make this sound like she is totally evil. She is dishonest at times. A 'no go' for me, or at least has a different interpretation of honesty.

I'm not perfect. I'm fat, and broke, but I'm working 7 days a week to try to keep us afloat.

My family is disgusted with her. They advise me to get an attorney, and even offered to lend me the money to send her home, if she will go.

What other options do I have?

[Anh map 2,098]

Nothing you can, or need to, do immigration-wise if AOS is complete.

Divorce is painful, but it is survivable if things come to that.

Sounds like you've got support from family and friends.

File for divorce if that is what you believe is best.

Best of luck

Edited March 8, 2010 by Anh map

[medasman 0]

Nothing you can, or need to, do immigration-wise if AOS is complete.

Divorce is painful, but it is survivable if things come to that.

Sounds like you've got support from family and friends.

File for divorce if that is what you believe is best.

Best of luck

i was there been there and done that but I moved on i have filed 2 129 f in my life

[VanessaTony 3,567]

First I'm very sorry she's doing this and you need to know that you do NOT have to remain married to her.

The best advice would be state reliant so what state are you in?

If you want to divorce her you should start the separation stuff ASAP because you wrote you need to be separated for a year. She can try and ROC by herself as long as the marriage was "bonafide". She needs a divorce certificate for that.

If you have evidence of these fake bank account that's at least some evidence that there is no trust. I would try and get (and hide at a friend/family members house so she can't find it) as much of this evidence as you can. Just in case she tries to sue you down the road.

There's a few issues but the first thing I feel I should mention is there is a common scam where the immigrant will claim abuse to gain residency without having to remain married. This means she could go to police tomorrow with a black eye and tell police you did it and you're locked up and she can stay. I'm not sure that she seems the type to do this but I felt I should mention it.

So to legally separate, what is needed? (I don't know your state so I can't look this up). Can you live together and still be legally separated?

Is she on the lease? If she isn't I would say you can have her forcibly removed, but that opens the next can of worms...

If you leave/move out etc thus leaving her to pay the bills, she can try and use government assistance and then because of the I-864 the government can sue you.

She can contest a divorce (which makes it expensive usually) but if you have next to no possessions this won't really affect you too badly anyway. You need to tell her that whether she WANTS it or not it's going to happen. You need HER to move out or you need to move out. If you can live with family and friends in the meantime that would be good I think but I'd remove anything you're not worried about her keeping/destroying... bearing in mind with the I-864 you are supposed to support her from needing government assistance.

You need to sit down and talk to her (with a lawyer perhaps) to tell her that whether she likes it or not it's going to happen. She needs to decide whether she wants to go back to China now, or wait longer. If she leaves now then she has the chance to meet someone else sooner rather than later to marry. She also has a chance to get a job in China because from your description no-one would hire her with such bad english.

Maybe she's just waiting until you remove conditions on her residency but given your relationship I would tell her that she wouldn't be approved because it's obvious your relationship is strained and she stands a better chance of doing it after divorce OR don't even tell her that and tell her that the sooner she gets out of the US, the sooner she can find another man to marry and start earning money again.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I think you should speak with a lawyer. Some Catholic organisations have free legal advice. You need to get her out though. She's just upsetting you and making you feel bad about yourself. You might need to throw some money at the problem (whatever you can) to get her out. If she leaves and hands over her greencard on leaving it would be better for YOU because it cancel the I-864 and is better for her unless she plans on coming back enough times to maintain residency.

Best of luck!

[belinda63 2,981]

She doesn't have to agree to the divorce in any state I am aware of. One party of the marriage can file although she can fight it and drag it out for a while but what would be the point? Grab documentation of her attending ESL and any other efforts you have made/assistance you have provided to assist her in life skills in the US. Also evidence of her secret bank accounts and talking to other men.

Have a calm reasonable talk with her and explain you do not need her permission to obtain a divorce and ask if she is willing to move out. If the lease is in both your names you will still be responsible even if you move out, talk to your landlord about this and an attorney. Most divorce attorneys will give you a free consult.

Your marriage was over a long time ago and it is time to move on with your life.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

She doesn't have to agree to the divorce in any state I am aware of. One party of the marriage can file although she can fight it and drag it out for a while but what would be the point? Grab documentation of her attending ESL and any other efforts you have made/assistance you have provided to assist her in life skills in the US. Also evidence of her secret bank accounts and talking to other men.

Have a calm reasonable talk with her and explain you do not need her permission to obtain a divorce and ask if she is willing to move out. If the lease is in both your names you will still be responsible even if you move out, talk to your landlord about this and an attorney. Most divorce attorneys will give you a free consult.

Your marriage was over a long time ago and it is time to move on with your life.

[clueless55 18]

Thanks. We are in South Carolina.

When I try to talk calmly and seriously about divorce, she cries, and says she gave up everything to come here. Frankly, she was in a rush for the K1, and I wasn't. I don't want to punish her,but it's like I adopted a special needs child, and not married a wife. She shows no indication she'll ever be able to hold down even a part time job here, or is interested in working, so I'm worried about her staying in the US on my affidavit of support.

She has also told several acquaintances that when she gets her ten year green card she's moving out.

I'm told I'm stupid because I pay taxes, while her smart chinese friends in the US cheat on taxes.

I'd love to tell the IRS, if I knew who they were......

One of her friends owns a local large chinese restaurant which employs a lot of illegal chinese she recruits in NYC. They've been telling my wife how to get 'free health care' in NYC fraudulently.

[Brad and Vika 129]

File for divorce, change the locks, and don't look back. Trust me, arguing with her about settlement or a ticket home is pointless. She is only staying put until she feels secure or finds something better. Pull the chain now - don't wait until the hook is set deeper. Sorry for your troubles.

[TracyTN 237]

Thanks. We are in South Carolina.

When I try to talk calmly and seriously about divorce, she cries, and says she gave up everything to come here. Frankly, she was in a rush for the K1, and I wasn't. I don't want to punish her,but it's like I adopted a special needs child, and not married a wife. She shows no indication she'll ever be able to hold down even a part time job here, or is interested in working, so I'm worried about her staying in the US on my affidavit of support.

She has also told several acquaintances that when she gets her ten year green card she's moving out.

She may have given up a lot to come here, but she sure isn't trying very hard to make this marriage work.

No way in hell would I sponsor her for her 10 year green card. Frankly I'd divorce her and report her statements to this effect to ICE so she won't get the meal ticket she so obviously came here for (sorry to be frank but it sure seems to be the truth). Then you won't have to worry about the affidavit of support either.

[candelari 0]

File for divorce, change the locks, and don't look back. Trust me, arguing with her about settlement or a ticket home is pointless. She is only staying put until she feels secure or finds something better. Pull the chain now - don't wait until the hook is set deeper. Sorry for your troubles.

You will be suprise to see what people are capable of doing it when the need occurs. I am quite postive that when she needs a place to stay and food to eat she will start working and she will make it. No offense but not all the low wages workers are always the smartest but somehow making it.

You are so caught up with, guilt , anger, disappointment. You feel helpless and can not set your prirorities. You are afraid of another (bigger) problem to face... My advice

- get rid of the relationship which is not working- completely disconnect from her (safely)

-She is a grown women, if whe can manage to come home with a stranger and find friends she can survive w/o you.

-start working on the divorce with a lawyer and move out.

-ask divorce lawyer to cover your financials and try to incorporate your financial sponsorship to be her burden in the final decree if it is possible

-She wants more and you don't have more; sorry but there is song " you don't always get what you want...."

-Whether she wants to stay in the U.S or not : NOT YOUR PROBLEM..... Let her to deal with it.

don't you want your own apartment with peace of mind????

Good luck

PS: as others said this marriage is over, sooner or later you need to accept this and move on. Sooner is the better and less damage....

[Brad and Vika 129]

You will be suprise to see what people are capable of doing it when the need occurs. I am quite postive that when she needs a place to stay and food to eat she will start working and she will make it. No offense but not all the low wages workers are always the smartest but somehow making it.

You are so caught up with, guilt , anger, disappointment. You feel helpless and can not set your prirorities. You are afraid of another (bigger) problem to face... My advice

- get rid of the relationship which is not working- completely disconnect from her (safely)

-She is a grown women, if whe can manage to come home with a stranger and find friends she can survive w/o you.

-start working on the divorce with a lawyer and move out.

-ask divorce lawyer to cover your financials and try to incorporate your financial sponsorship to be her burden in the final decree if it is possible

-She wants more and you don't have more; sorry but there is song " you don't always get what you want...."

-Whether she wants to stay in the U.S or not : NOT YOUR PROBLEM..... Let her to deal with it.

don't you want your own apartment with peace of mind????

Good luck

PS: as others said this marriage is over, sooner or later you need to accept this and move on. Sooner is the better and less damage....

Just to echo the advice to move quickly, before your income ramps up.

[justashooter 430]

take it from a guy who has a good chinese wife. you got a bad one.

she is using you and has been from the start. she is pushing you around, and you are letting her. the day you moved out of the bed it was over. she has no respect for you, at all.

you need to see a lawyer and find out how to get this woman out of your life. you need to be physically seperate as soon as possible. you need to deny her the opportunity to use VAWA by setting you up for false domestic violence charges. you need to take control of your life.

good luck with that.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

People who know my responses on this board will be surprised to read this, as it is a first for me:

I'm sorry for the hell you are going though.

That being said, why did you look for a spouse from China in the first place? Was that coincidence?

Now to my advice.

You are a victim of a failed marriage. From your expertly written account of it, I don't see any merit from your perspective to even attempt salvaging what's left of it. Your Chinese wife has everything to gain from keeping it formally alive, despite its early demise, but you don't.

If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce tomorrow morning. I'd try to tell my wife that there's no way for me to stay in this unpleasant relationship. Depending on your State's divorce law, she'll be entitled to some money, so you might want to negotiate a peaceful divorce that goes through uncontested by her. If she doesn't agree, I'd move out of the house, in a trailer if I had to, lock her out of the bank accounts, rescue my valuables, and sit it out.

One way to gain her cooperation, assuming she wants to stay in the US is to tell her that you will not make any trouble for her when filing her I-751 so that she can remove conditions and get her 10-year Green Card, so immigration will. This works both ways, however, as if she gives you a hard time, you'll tell her that you just picked a new hobby: making her life as miserable as possible.

Nothing more to add to his, really.

[doghandler 2]

People who know my responses on this board will be surprised to read this, as it is a first for me:

I'm sorry for the hell you are going though.

That being said, why did you look for a spouse from China in the first place? Was that coincidence?

Now to my advice.

You are a victim of a failed marriage. From your expertly written account of it, I don't see any merit from your perspective to even attempt salvaging what's left of it. Your Chinese wife has everything to gain from keeping it formally alive, despite its early demise, but you don't.

If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce tomorrow morning. I'd try to tell my wife that there's no way for me to stay in this unpleasant relationship. Depending on your State's divorce law, she'll be entitled to some money, so you might want to negotiate a peaceful divorce that goes through uncontested by her. If she doesn't agree, I'd move out of the house, in a trailer if I had to, lock her out of the bank accounts, rescue my valuables, and sit it out.

One way to gain her cooperation, assuming she wants to stay in the US is to tell her that you will not make any trouble for her when filing her I-751 so that she can remove conditions and get her 10-year Green Card, so immigration will. This works both ways, however, as if she gives you a hard time, you'll tell her that you just picked a new hobby: making her life as miserable as possible.

Nothing more to add to his, really.

clueless55,

The advice of all the guys above is the right way to go.

Your wife is clearly not in any way retarded. In fact she sounds highly organised and is one step ahead of you. Her selfish and callous behaviour is not deserving of any of the sympathy your very apparent kind heart and clear sense of integrity is bestowing upon her. She sounds like a morality free zone, goodness knows what she has up her sleeve next. This could get a whole lot worse.

South Carolina is where I will be moving to. If you haven't managed to get her out of your home and life by the time I come over, and she is still shamelessly bleeding you dry, I will happily come over to your house and kick her out myself. And I'm a female.

[John and Camie 39]

If you haven't managed to get her out of your home and life by the time I come over, and she is still shamelessly bleeding you dry, I will happily come over to your house and kick her out myself. And I'm a female.

Girl, I'll help. I have experience in kicking out selfish, cheating, conniving users.

clueless55, I hope you eventually find someone who deserves you. What a ####### situation, at least you know early on what she's all about.