Anyone on VJ ever gone through a divorce? What did it teach you?

[SuperDuper! 230]

never trust a redhead

Charles, you will be the king of Twitter one day, with your succinct and terse postings of wisdom!

[Aubrey 10]

1. Often depression is actually bi-polar undiagnosed. And it is an ugly, terrible thing to be married to. - if they're off their meds.

Nope, my ex-husband was medicated and never skipped. It's the nature of the disease. There are always ups and downs even on medication. Please don't lecture me about bi-polar; I had a long discussion with his psychiatrist prior to the divorce, and I was very involved in the development of his diagnosis, learning about the disease, and his medication changes.

4. Compromise can be worse than leaving things alone.

I disagree. A compromise between you and your spouse doesn't mean you give in to their way....but finding an agreement that you both can live with.

Just because you can live with it doesn't mean it's good for you. After 7 years of compromises, I wasn't myself anymore.

[Nessa 23]

1. Often depression is actually bi-polar undiagnosed. And it is an ugly, terrible thing to be married to. - if they're off their meds.

Nope, my ex-husband was medicated and never skipped. It's the nature of the disease. There are always ups and downs even on medication. Please don't lecture me about bi-polar; I had a long discussion with his psychiatrist prior to the divorce, and I was very involved in the development of his diagnosis, learning about the disease, and his medication changes.

i misunderstood then. when you mentioned undiagnosed, i thought your husband was bipolar and didn't know, was not being treated, then it would make sense the ''terrible thing to be married to''. It takes a lot of effort from both sides dealing with certain diseases. if you couldn't handle it, you're probably better off now.

[jodee 30]

never trust a redhead

I'm a red head!

Sorry, just found this thread,...

[Ban Hammer 14,147]

never trust a redhead

I'm a red head!

Sorry, just found this thread,...

you're a blond.

[rclouse 0]

I've had a starter marriage. It taught me to be stronger, to believe in myself and stand up for myself.

Another lesson learned is that divorce doesn't have to be bad or something to be ashamed of. On TV & in movies often times a divorced man is portrayed as somehow less of a man, or sadder, or emotionally damaged. After my divorce I was proud of it, cause I know I did everything within reason to save it. I had no regrets when I filed, and the day the letter arrived saying it was final was a happy day.

[catknit 144]

Just because you can live with it doesn't mean it's good for you. After 7 years of compromises, I wasn't myself anymore.

Sad, but true; that can easily happen.

Compromising on what's for dinner, the make and model of your new car, which shade of beige to paint your living room...essential for a happy relationship.

However, sometimes compromise can blow up a relationship.

There are other, deeper compromises that can turn you into someone else: If you compromise from A to B, B becomes the new normal and moving to C isn't that tough....next thing you know you're at Z and no longer yourself.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

women suck.

and sometimes, that's why we marry them

And some men suck too. That's why we divorce them.

point for mrscat!

thats three pointer for sure!

[Aubrey 10]

1. Often depression is actually bi-polar undiagnosed. And it is an ugly, terrible thing to be married to. - if they're off their meds.

Nope, my ex-husband was medicated and never skipped. It's the nature of the disease. There are always ups and downs even on medication. Please don't lecture me about bi-polar; I had a long discussion with his psychiatrist prior to the divorce, and I was very involved in the development of his diagnosis, learning about the disease, and his medication changes.

i misunderstood then. when you mentioned undiagnosed, i thought your husband was bipolar and didn't know, was not being treated, then it would make sense the ''terrible thing to be married to''. It takes a lot of effort from both sides dealing with certain diseases. if you couldn't handle it, you're probably better off now.

He was misdiagnosed and treated for depression for years, which as you might imagine tended to make him manic and unfocused, while simultaneously not doing much to help his downs. Even after he was properly diagnosed, it took many drugs before one worked at all. Some were working but he still had a 3 month low, which left him sitting in his truck smoking his pipe and reading every single night, no matter what I tried. That was not what I had in mind for my life, and since I was informed that ups and downs like that are never out of the question with bi-polar patients, I knew it was over. We had too many other problems to keep trying to make it work.

Just because you can live with it doesn't mean it's good for you. After 7 years of compromises, I wasn't myself anymore.

Sad, but true; that can easily happen.

Compromising on what's for dinner, the make and model of your new car, which shade of beige to paint your living room...essential for a happy relationship.

However, sometimes compromise can blow up a relationship.

There are other, deeper compromises that can turn you into someone else: If you compromise from A to B, B becomes the new normal and moving to C isn't that tough....next thing you know you're at Z and no longer yourself.

So sad but so true. Thank you for describing that for me, I couldn't find adequate words myself.

[Emancipation 2]

For me it was

1. Divorce is not the easy way out that so many claim it to be, it's not for quitters, or for the faint of heart. It's a grueling, soul sucking experience that changes how you look at everything. It took me years to recover from it and I would NEVER be so naive as to say it could never happen again. Two free thinking people live in a marriage and without selfless actions and commitment to your relationship no marriage is going to last in the long run.

2. There are worse things than being lonely.. much much much worse things.

3. You can't change anyone. Period.

[ready4ONE 5,400]

I was involved in a long, bitter, and ridiculously extended custody battle. Absolutely the worst ongoing set of experiences ever in my life.

But now I have custody of the kids, a wonderful wife, and while still recovering in many ways, life is good again!

In the interim it has been sad and disturbing watching my ex wife give herself up instantaneously to the next, next guy. Watched the person I loved at one point essentially go nuts with hatred and attempt to destroy my life and that of my children, for the benefit of herself and her abusive second [ex] husband. Divorce is indeed not for the faint of heart.

[*JG* 2]

make-up sex doesn't always do the trick ....

Amen.

[almaty 19]

truer words

[*JG* 2]

People change. It's okay.

Love isn't enough. You have to actually like the person.

You can love someone and NOT be able to live with them.

People sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear. Don't be fooled.

Know who YOU are. What YOU want. Compromise is great and necessary. But, if you lose sight of YOU, it will not work in the end. Marriage should be 2 people comfortable with the very essence of each other. Not one trying to control or turn the other into their ideal of who someone should be.