ERGH! Rant!

[bec_goe 4]

Ergh..

I have been with my other half on and off for nearly 2 years - he lives in LA and I live in Australia and we got married last month in Vegas.

I've been getting all our ####### together with the visa stuff and he has done nothing. He says all I talk about is the visa and he is overwhelmed so his reaction is to distance himself from me. He's totally changed; doesn't text me while I'm sleeping, we barely talk, he doesn't like things I put on his FB wall, blah blah blah.

Has anyone's partner done a 180 after getting the whole visa process going??

[Boiler 43,434]

he doesn't like things I put on his FB wall,

Sounds serious.

[bec_goe 4]

Sounds serious.

Awesome. Thanks for the sarcasm.

[Ontarkie 13,916]

Sorry to here about the 180. Some people get so overwhelmed that they shut down, where other times it is a red flag to what is to come.

Since you said off and on it might be a good idea to dig deep and see what issues you had before and see if they play a part in him pulling away.

Can you drop the visa topic for a bit and see if he responds better?

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Men are simple creatures. When they tell you you are dwelling too much on one topic -- especially one that is essentially red tape and frustration -- they mean it. Subtext isn't a game most guys dabble in. He's telling you: "I know this is necessary, but I think it's boring. But do we really need to talk about this to the exclusion of everything else, unless there's some form we need to complete?" On the other hand, not replying to texts and emails is a childish tactic, unless the number of these messages is overwhelming. Don't bombard him with messages. He'll get that his lack of communication is an issue fast enough if you stop.

The whole process is an utter drag. If you have no reason to worry over whether you're going to get your visa (i.e., red flags, not enough money, etc.) beyond how long it takes, why inject drama into it? Take time to talk about, well, everything else! What you're doing with your days, what movies you've seen recently, who's being a jerk at work -- you know, the kind of stuff you'd talk about if you were living together already.

Also, are you seriously worried that your husband doesn't press the like button on everything you post on his FB profile? My dude and I have been together for four and a half years in a rock solid relationship and he still doesn't "like" everything I post on his wall, nor I on his. I must be an ancient crone because I don't get why this is an issue.

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

I have to say I was worried about this happening with my fiance when we started the process!

He is not as... organized and driven.. as I am per see, so the result seems to be constant reminders from me of what he needs to do next.

Thankfully he has been a really good sport though, and if anything I am the one who may have had some personality changes because at times I could get a little overwhelmed and high-strung about everything that had to be done!

Just be patient, and understand that it's a lot of work for both parties involved! If you are genuinely worried about the relationship, I suggest sitting down and having a discussion on how both of you are feeling about the changes up ahead and what both of you can do to help things run a little better and keep communication open.

As for the Facebook thing, try not to put too much importance on social media. It should not be an important and/or definitive factor in a relationship.

Edited December 1, 2015 by MorganandMichael

[Ash.1101 1,755]

There's a big difference between knowing you want to do the visa and actually doing it. It's overwhelming for some people on both sides.

Drop talking about the visa, and what exactly is he not doing that he should be doing? Some people don't see the point of preparing if they know they're in a long wait, or if they know it doesn't have to be done NOW.

Second, it may not seem much to you but he could be worried of having you move in, and if all you're talking about is moving here he might be over whelmed. While yes, marriage means that hopefully ya'll would be living together, talking about marriage and talking about the visa are very separate from ACTUALLY doing it.

To him, ya'll just got married last month and now you're badgering him to get his stuff together and get you in the country, like NOW. That is overwhelming.

I know that I was getting irritable after my fiances visa was approved, not because I wasn't happy, but it was the realization that the life I had been living for almost 3 years (me here, him there) is now completely changing, AND we've known that we wanted to file since he proposed a year ago, it's just the actual knowledge that he would be here in a couple of weeks is a lot to take in. Your life changes and not in the normal way of "oh tee hee, we moved in together".


Did ya'll talk about the process before hand? Did you plan on getting married last month? What are the reasons ya'll have been "off and on"?


Again, as with 99% of relationship issues, you need to talk to him. You may need to calm down on the visa talk as well. While it is important to you that you're there, he might be scared of the entire process and his life becoming different.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Quit focusing on current logjams and become a student of the rest of the process. Doing so yields perspective and builds hope, concurrently.

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

As you can see from my timeline, there was 3+ months from the time I married my wife until the time I got my sh- together and filed our I-130 with USCIS. Granted, I had 2 address changes during those 3 months but it still took me a month and a half from the time I had a stable address. TBoneTX has some good advice, above. You're not going to ever love the process, but you might learn more about patience than you ever would have thought, and that can help a lot once you join your husband here in the USA.

p.s. Was definitely annoyed by some of the things my wife posted on Facebook.

[bec_goe 4]

Thank you everyone for putting things into perspective!

I could definitely learn to have a bit more patience and this whole experience is definitely giving me that!

[Ms Hogan 295]

My husband was not involved in the process at all. I did all the work. But to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted both of us doing it and risk us overlapping or contradicting something somehow by missing a detail. I think it is better to have one person put it all together and provide requests to their spouse in terms of what they must get together for you to include. I needed my husband to get a certified copy of his divorce decree and to scan his birth certificate, passport etc. But i did all the rest of the work other than have him sign where needed. He admitted to me later that he could not believe how much I took care of and that there was no way he could have done it. He did get annoyed with what seemed to be me obsessing over the details but there was no way I was going to F it up in my name!! Your husband is likely overwhelmed by the whole idea of the process which is understandable.

As for FB - I think FB is ridiculous so I can't offer any support there. Do you really need your husband's attention on FB? Does it really matter if he LIKES stuff you post? It doesn't mean he DOES NOT like it, maybe it just means he doesn't think that is important... which IMO it probably isn't, because it's on FB... but I come back to my opening of this paragraph which is that I think FB is ridiculous anyway!

My unsolicited advice is this:

If there are things you need him to do, create a list that is easy and straight forward. Don't be bossy. Just say "Here are the things we need from you" and "We need them by this date" and say WE because it is the two of you doing this. You both need it so you can get on with your lives together.

Also keep in mind how strange and sad it feels to be married to someone and not be WITH them. You both have a bunch of time apart to deal with and it's hard to make it feel normal in any way!!

Hang in there. Eventually this will all be done and you won't even remember how awful it felt going through the process!

[Izor 79]

My husband was not involved in the process at all. I did all the work. But to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted both of us doing it and risk us overlapping or contradicting something somehow by missing a detail. I think it is better to have one person put it all together and provide requests to their spouse in terms of what they must get together for you to include. I needed my husband to get a certified copy of his divorce decree and to scan his birth certificate, passport etc. But i did all the rest of the work other than have him sign where needed. He admitted to me later that he could not believe how much I took care of and that there was no way he could have done it. He did get annoyed with what seemed to be me obsessing over the details but there was no way I was going to F it up in my name!! Your husband is likely overwhelmed by the whole idea of the process which is understandable.

As for FB - I think FB is ridiculous so I can't offer any support there. Do you really need your husband's attention on FB? Does it really matter if he LIKES stuff you post? It doesn't mean he DOES NOT like it, maybe it just means he doesn't think that is important... which IMO it probably isn't, because it's on FB... but I come back to my opening of this paragraph which is that I think FB is ridiculous anyway!

My unsolicited advice is this:

If there are things you need him to do, create a list that is easy and straight forward. Don't be bossy. Just say "Here are the things we need from you" and "We need them by this date" and say WE because it is the two of you doing this. You both need it so you can get on with your lives together.

Also keep in mind how strange and sad it feels to be married to someone and not be WITH them. You both have a bunch of time apart to deal with and it's hard to make it feel normal in any way!!

Hang in there. Eventually this will all be done and you won't even remember how awful it felt going through the process!

totally agree and i did the exact same thing:)

[Ryan H 3,790]

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Hi Ms Hogan,

I appreciate your advice! Thank you!

You are right - I was majorly PMS'ing when I wrote my original post and I am kind of embarrassed about it now! lol My husband hates paperwork. *shrug* That's just him. I am from a legal background so it only makes sense that I get it all together and when I need something from my other half, he provide it to me and sign. Done! And if I #### up, I can only blame myself! lol

My daughter and I are going out to LA on Christmas Day for 10 days and I cannot wait! My mother in law is going to meet her (step) granddaughter for the first time and my daughter will meet her 3yo (step) brother so I am really excited!

xx

Edited December 9, 2015 by Ryan H

[Ryan H 3,790]

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