Mother returning home

[amaloveskofi 7]

Hi everyone

I need to vent on here a.little bit and possibly get some advice from u awesome people.

So I filled for my mom and she has been in the States for 7 months now. She came 1 month before I had my baby and she has been of help with the baby till lately. 

I have  2 otjer kids, she doesn't do anything with them . She has only pushed them on the swing a few times and that's about it. We live with my in-laws because my husband was without job for a year , he just got a job abt 2 weeks ago so we are waiting for 6 mo the before we can get a mortgage loan to buy a house. So my mom lives with us in my I laws house. I know it's hard for her.

But my in-laws font have a problem.with her being  there. But all she does everyday is stay in her room and watch TV. There has even been times where I have to take all 3 of my kids out my me because she said she can't watch the baby that her waist hurts. 

She doesn't want to get a part time job either to help my sister back home. She expects me to do everything.

So I have decided to let her go back home.

Is it wrong  that I'm asking her to go?

Because I feel like I brought her here to help me with the kids which she is not and she doesn't want to work either. PS she is in her 50's

Thank u

 

[EandH0904 1,184]

Did she come here on a visitor visa or as a family member? Either way - I'm not sure that she's allowed to work without proper authorization - I am sure others on VJ here will confirm or deny that. I know that on a visitor visa she is NOT allowed to work, but as you have the I-130 in your profile - maybe she can work with permission (???) - anyway - watching your kids is considered "work" - so would be getting a part time job. You say that you brought her here to help with the kids - was that your ONLY purpose for you bringing her here? They are your kids - she already raised her kids. I have been a single mom of 3 my whole life - I get that it is a difficult and sometimes a thankless job - however if you just wanted help with the kids, you could have hired a nanny or someone to help with you. If your husband was without a job for a year, I presume he has been helping you - so what did you need your moms help in addition to your husbands help? 

 

If you sponsored her to come here - isn't it also HER decision where she lives? I mean, of course, you dont HAVE to let her stay with you (well it's your in-laws house, so it's up to them if she stays there or not - not you). 

 

From the way you describe it, she sounds like she could be depressed. I'm sure there are a ton of changes that are difficult for her to deal with and maybe the adjustment has not been what she hoped. Have you made efforts to get her involved in community activities or anything where she can meet others perhaps more her age or her background? Have you taken to her a doctor if she has chronic pain issues? 

 

You probably had a hard time adjusting here, I'm sure it's not easy for her either - but it shouldn't arbitrarily be YOUR decision what happens to mom. 

[amaloveskofi 7]

She has her green card, so she is allowed to work. Evrry time I ask her to go out with us , she doesn't go.  I'm just tired of asking. She doesn't have any where else to go and she doesn't want to work either. My hands are tied. 

[amaloveskofi 7]

I would be happy if she wants to get her own place and look after herself. B she wants me to do it all, work, take care of her and.my sister back home. 

[EandH0904 1,184]

27 minutes ago, amaloveskofi said:

. She doesn't have any where else to go and she doesn't want to work either.

She sounds depressed, like I said. She sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting. What about those possibilities 

[Going through 5,668]

50 minutes ago, amaloveskofi said:

So I have decided to let her go back home.

Is it wrong  that I'm asking her to go?

Since she has her green card already, there is nothing you can do to make her leave the country (if that's what you meant by "letting her go back home") unless she wished to.  

 

50 minutes ago, amaloveskofi said:

PS she is in her 50's

When you're in your 50s, and from a foreign country, it can be more difficult to find work then when you are younger.  

 

50 minutes ago, amaloveskofi said:

Because I feel like I brought her here to help me with the kids which she is not and she doesn't want to work either.

You mean you sponsored her here as a family member, or you sponsored her here as more of an unpaid employee?  Yes, I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really she probably expected that she was coming to live in America with you as your mother---not as your free babysitter.  Before she came to the US did you tell her that she was being brought over by you to help with the kids as the main purpose behind you sponsoring her?  She may be more inclined to help out with 3 small children if you kicked a little bit of money her way here and there.

 

All that being said---you can sit down with her and have a discussion that it would be better if she found at least a part-time job to help make ends meet.  Or offer to help her out with a small loan and set her up in an apartment of her own..at that point she would be forced to find work to be able to maintain her own bills/rent  You said your in-laws have no problem with her living in their house so really the decision is up to them if they want her to move out.

 

Edited October 13, 2017 by Going through

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

1 hour ago, EandH0904 said:

I have been a single mom of 3 my whole life 

Probably not 

 

[geowrian 22,335]

I'd suggest taking a step back and thinking about why she came and if/why she wants to stay. Because at this point, her staying in the US is not about what you want. If she's staying cooped up in the house watching TV all day, then I'm assuming she's not happy. The transition is really hard....and harder on some than others. Figure out what she wants and go from there.

[amaloveskofi 7]

56 minutes ago, geowrian said:

I'd suggest taking a step back and thinking about why she came and if/why she wants to stay. Because at this point, her staying in the US is not about what you want. If she's staying cooped up in the house watching TV all day, then I'm assuming she's not happy. The transition is really hard....and harder on some than others. Figure out what she wants and go from there.

Thank u very much, I appreciate that. That's such a great idea

 

[amaloveskofi 7]

3 hours ago, Going through said:

Since she has her green card already, there is nothing you can do to make her leave the country (if that's what you meant by "letting her go back home") unless she wished to.  

 

When you're in your 50s, and from a foreign country, it can be more difficult to find work then when you are younger.  

 

You mean you sponsored her here as a family member, or you sponsored her here as more of an unpaid employee?  Yes, I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really she probably expected that she was coming to live in America with you as your mother---not as your free babysitter.  Before she came to the US did you tell her that she was being brought over by you to help with the kids as the main purpose behind you sponsoring her?  She may be more inclined to help out with 3 small children if you kicked a little bit of money her way here and there.

 

All that being said---you can sit down with her and have a discussion that it would be better if she found at least a part-time job to help make ends meet.  Or offer to help her out with a small loan and set her up in an apartment of her own..at that point she would be forced to find work to be able to maintain her own bills/rent  You said your in-laws have no problem with her living in their house so really the decision is up to them if they want her to move out.

 

You are right about everything you have said. How can I help her if she is depressed? I offer to take her out with me to go do stuffs but she doesn't want to. I already told her she can go back home and come back when we get our own place? And she is worried to go back because she doesn't know what to do to make ends meet when she goes back. 

[Going through 5,668]

5 hours ago, amaloveskofi said:

You are right about everything you have said. How can I help her if she is depressed? I offer to take her out with me to go do stuffs but she doesn't want to. I already told her she can go back home and come back when we get our own place? And she is worried to go back because she doesn't know what to do to make ends meet when she goes back. 

You have to think back and remember what it was like when you first came to the US to empathize with her a  bit more.

 

She is experiencing culture shock, depression from being away from her friends and family and familiarity of her surroundings.  You may have gotten over it more quickly, but everyone experiences it differently.  In my opinion, it would be even more a culture shock in a way to live in America for 7 months, and then be shipped back as though she weren't worthy enough in your eyes and then feel abandoned (not saying you said this to her, but how she may take it).  Also, with her green card status, she can also lose it by being back in her country for a lengthy period of time while you move into your new house.  So that concern would also be on her mind, maybe.

 

If you have already mentioned to her about "going back home" so soon after her arriving, that may have made her feel more depressed now and as though she is nothing but a burden on you.  Which would explain why she feels uncomfortable in the house and just watches TV in her room all the time...almost as a way of locking herself apart from others so that she doesn't feel awkward around them or you.  She may be refusing to do things with you because in her mind she may think that you are only asking her out of obligation or feels like she would be intruding somehow (if you have already mentioned sending her back home, it's natural she's going to feel like she is already intruding on you and your family).  I would imagine that after spending most of her life sacrificing things to raise you and your sister as children/teenagers/young adulthood...and then feel all of a sudden unwanted by one of her children struck at her very core.

 

I know it's frustrating for you as well because you are trying to get her out  more and do things with her. You are taking the right step in trying to spend more time with her. Have you thought about setting her up for free classes or social groups in your local community center/church?  Socializing more with people her own age will brighten her spirits a bit, make her feel  more productive and useful, and lift her spirits about herself too.  She also will be in control of what she wants to do in her spare time and get her out of the house more often.  Has she mentioned wanting to go home---or it's only you that ever brings it up?

[Unlockable 7,306]

I think the fact that you and your husband are living in your in-laws house is greatly adding to the anxiety you are feeling. especially if they are no longer happy your mother is there. If you mother is having a difficult time adjusting it may be better for her to return at least until you and your husband can get a place of your own. Maybe she can return then. I am sitting here thinking about the living situation under that roof and it must not feel good.

 

I just wanted to add that it from you first post it seems like had a plan to bring her here to help and now you realize it is not working. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we make plans with good intentions but they just don't work out. If your mother being here has caused more burden than help then I understand your frustration.

Edited October 13, 2017 by NuestraUnion

[Oliversmom 250]

This is a suggestion.  Maybe she doesn't know how to go about looking for a job.  Sit down with her and make up a resume.  Then go online and start looking for jobs.  This is a great time of year to get hired for retail jobs.  Maybe she wants to work but just doesn't know what to do.

 

Just something from my personal perspective.  Only you can know what is best for you and your family and I am not judging you in any way.  But I do want to say that my mother passed away a few years ago.  I took care of her for years and it was not always easy.  But I never regretted at all any sacrifices I made for her.  And I would do anything to see her again. 

 

If you suggest depression, get her to see a doctor ASAP.  If she is diagnosed, there are meds that can do wonders!

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[amaloveskofi 7]

23 hours ago, Going through said:

Since she has her green card already, there is nothing you can do to make her leave the country (if that's what you meant by "letting her go back home") unless she wished to.  

 

When you're in your 50s, and from a foreign country, it can be more difficult to find work then when you are younger.  

 

You mean you sponsored her here as a family member, or you sponsored her here as more of an unpaid employee?  Yes, I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really she probably expected that she was coming to live in America with you as your mother---not as your free babysitter.  Before she came to the US did you tell her that she was being brought over by you to help with the kids as the main purpose behind you sponsoring her?  She may be more inclined to help out with 3 small children if you kicked a little bit of money her way here and there.

 

All that being said---you can sit down with her and have a discussion that it would be better if she found at least a part-time job to help make ends meet.  Or offer to help her out with a small loan and set her up in an apartment of her own..at that point she would be forced to find work to be able to maintain her own bills/rent  You said your in-laws have no problem with her living in their house so really the decision is up to them if they want her to move out.

 

You are right about everything you have said. How can I help her if she is depressed? I offer to take her out with me to go do stuffs but she doesn't want to. I already told her she can go back home and come back when we get our own place? And she is worried to go back because she doesn't know what to do to make ends meet when she goes back. 

[amaloveskofi 7]

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your advice and ideas. You guys have given me a new perspective over the whole thing and I appreciate it a lot.

My mom and I talked and I'm going 

to support her in every way I can and be a great daughter to her and help her adjust to being here.

Thank you all so much.