TBoneTX

Elementary School Christmas Performance Going On Tenth Grueling Minute KENNEWICK, WA- The situation at a local elementary school became dire as the Christmas performance entered its punishing tenth minute. The choral and instrumental performance lead several parents to consider drastic measures such as jumping out a nearby window or faking a heart attack. "I don't know how much more I can take," dad Mark Greyson said. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/elementary-school-christmas-performance-going-on-tenth-grueling-minute

Ten-year-old thread is now locked to future comment. The most recent poster is welcome to start a fresh thread on this topic.

FBI Assures Nation Drones Just U.S. Government Spying On Its Own Citizens U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray sought to reassure Americans that the drones being spotted over New Jersey were simply from the United States government spying on its own citizens. While theories mounted that the drones could be Iranian or even extra-terrestrial in origin, Wray assured the nation that they represented nothing more nefarious than the FBI secretly watching and recording American citizens. "There is no cause for alarm," said Wray. "These are nothing but [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-assures-nation-drones-just-us-government-spying-on-its-own-citizens

RFK Jr. Advises Children To Leave Out 8 Strips of Bacon And A Bowl Of Beef Tallow For Santa This Year WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. continued his campaign to make America healthy again by advising kids to leave out a pile of bacon and some beef tallow for Santa this year. According to Kennedy, the change will help Santa lower his intake of carbs and dairy, which ought to stave off any effects of morbid obesity for a few more years. "Kids, are you trying to kill Santa Claus?" Kennedy said at a press conference Wednesday. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/rfk-jr-advises-children-to-leave-out-4-strips-of-bacon-and-a-glass-of-beef-tallow-for-santa-this-year

This guy might win in a landslide, given his excellent speech here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Canadian Opposition Leader Poilievre: Government Must Work For The People, Not The Ego Of One Man Canadian Conservative Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre delivered this heartfelt speech about the suffering of average Canadians trying to make ends meet. Poilievre appears likely to take power as Justin Trudeau's government teeters in the wake of the Prime Minister's "embarrassing" meeting with Donald Trump. [...] https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2024/12/18/canadian_opposition_leader_poilievre_government_must_work_for_the_people_not_the_ego_of_one_man.html

The Last Lie? The Drone Paradigm It has become a reflex reaction. Tap the Biden administration on the knee with a rubber hammer and it kicks out a lie. And it has never mattered to the likes of Alejandro Mayorkas and John Kirby and Karen Jean-Pierre that their lies are clearly and obviously are lies. The border is secure. Hunter will never be pardoned. Joe is mentally fit. Dumping trillions of made-up dollars into the economy did not cause inflation. The "vaccines" were completely "safe and effective." There was no government censorship program. Over the past years, they perfected the public injection of ignorance, responding – if questioned – with even more lies or, better yet, even more words and words and words, sound and fury, signifying nothing. And they have gotten away with it, in part because [...] https://thomas699.substack.com/p/the-last-lie

The left-wing media created their own crisis and now have to pay the price for repeatedly attacking Donald Trump Even as defeated Democrats try to decide who they are and what they believe in, their media handmaidens face a crisis of their own. The comeuppance against their politically driven bias has arrived — and it's proving to be expensive in more ways than one. Recent days have reconfirmed that their war against Donald Trump is their most egregious assault on truth and fairness, but it was hardly the first or only. CNN was caught this week [...] https://nypost.com/2024/12/17/opinion/michael-goodwin-the-left-wing-media-created-their-own-crisis-and-now-have-to-pay-the-price-for-repeatedly-attacking-donald-trump/

Biden Seals His Legacy As Worst President In History Since the election, not-soon-enough-to-be-former President Joe Biden has provided a steady stream of reminders as to why the nation will be glad to be rid of him. His unique mixture of incompetence, cluelessness, disdain, arrogance, and sleaziness has been on full display. Consider what Biden managed in a few short weeks. [...] https://issuesinsights.com/2024/12/18/biden-seals-his-legacy-as-worst-president-in-history/

Scintillating Wednesday repartee, yawn man. ------- Thrilling Wednesday report, see man: Mini-B. awoke surprisingly full of pep, pep si man. We were ready for a siesta before we awoke, need zzz we man. After skooling Mini-B., we returned for a siesta, zzz we man. Lunch was a handful of pretzels and a beef stick, ingest we man. Din-din was onebag of nuked corn & nuked breaded chicken strips in honey mustard, ingest Two Guys man. Miu had the zoomies much of the day, zooming miu man. Mini-B. has half-days at skool Thurs. & Fri., thurrowlee edj'muhcated wee man. This cramps ES-ing, obviously man. Nothing nearby was available anyway, man. We therefore participated in an on-line ES, successful we man. Report after item pickup on Thurs., report then we man. We have lobbied ex-Mrs.-T-B. to let us keep Mini-B. on Thurs. eve, no Two Guys eve last week man. Ex-Mrs.-T-B., Mini-B., the Rojo, & the Rojo's daughters are flying to Boston & Nueva York on Sunday, sigh man. This means that we can invite the rubias earlier on Saturday night, whee man. ES pickup + errands are itineraried for Thurs., itinerary we man. Party with the rubias tonight, cavort we man. And that was/is our thrilling Wednesday, report we man.

The question is, who will be drunker.

Reaction? Rep. Ramirez needs to lose some weight.

Why -- because you ARE or AREN'T one?

Here is Wednesday's Semiofficial Semiweekly VAWA-Thread Joke: =========================================== THE BLONDE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A blonde woman came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. "Here you go," said the nurse, as she handed the blonde a urine cup. "The bathroom is there on your left. The doctor will see you in a few minutes." Soon, the blonde came out of the bathroom. She handed an empty container back to the nurse. With a relieved look on her face, the blonde said, "Thank you! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all."

Drones Turn Out To Be Elaborate Gender Reveal Party U.S. — Recent drone sightings across the eastern United States are apparently nothing more than an elaborate gender reveal, Pentagon officials announced Monday. The revelation came as [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/drones-turn-out-to-be-elaborate-gender-reveal-party

Joe Biden Pardons Wife Jill For Impersonating A Doctor [...] The pardon reportedly covers "any and all instances" of impersonation as far back as 2007, when Jill Biden first began calling herself a doctor. Ancillary clauses in the pardon are said to also cover the various news organizations that have misleadingly referred to Jill as a doctor, especially during the 2016 and 2020 election seasons. "I am very proud to present this award to my wife... whatever her name is," Biden told reporters when announcing the pardon. "My... my wife... the gal over there... she deserves this pardon, and if you don't think she's a real doctor, then you're... then all it means is you're... the idea... who is this, now?" [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-pardons-wife-jill-for-impersonating-a-doctor

McDonald's Presents Employee Who Caught Shooter With Coupon Good For 1 Free Large Drink With Purchase Of A Food Item ALTOONA, PA — The McDonald's employee credited with identifying Luigi Mangione, a suspect in the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, was honored on Friday with a small ceremony in which he was presented with a coupon good for one free large drink with the purchase of any food item. Logan Jameson said it seemed like any other shift until he noticed the suspicious customer in the corner munching on a hash brown. He then pointed out the individual who turned out to be Mangione to his coworkers before calling the police. The part-time employee and full-time hero was now the proud recipient of a prestigious award. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/mcdonalds-presents-employee-who-caught-shooter-with-coupon-good-for-1-free-large-drink-with-purchase-of-a-food-item

By 2035, All California Vehicles To Be Replaced By Little Tikes Cozy Coupes SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom has adopted a plan set forth by the California Air Resources Board to phase out all gas-powered and EV automobiles and replace them with Little Tikes Cozy Coupes no later than 2035. "California now has a groundbreaking, world-leading plan to achieve 100 percent zero-energy vehicle sales," Newsom said in a statement. "By the year 2035, every new car sold in California will be a Little Tikes Cozy Coup." Government vehicles are exempt from the order. https://babylonbee.com/news/by-2035-all-california-vehicles-to-be-replaced-by-little-tikes-cozy-coupes

Mysterious User 'OrangeMan47' Snatches Up All Border Wall Materials In Online Auction U.S. — Just days after news leaked that President Joe Biden was quietly selling unused border wall construction materials via online auction, presumably as a gesture of defiance against incoming President Donald Trump, a mysterious user named "OrangeMan47" swooped in to purchase every listing. Evidence indicated OrangeMan47 was a new account on GovPlanet, the online auction house used by the Biden administration. The account has zero user feedback and an incomplete profile, but [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/mysterious-user-orangeman47-snatches-up-all-border-wall-materials-in-online-auction

Ray Epps Announces Resignation From FBI WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal agent Ray Epps will step down from his role as head of PSYOPS at the end of the Biden administration, the agency said Thursday, ending a distinguished career of covertly manipulating the American people. Epps said it was important to retire now and preserve his pension before he was forced out by Trump and lost it all. "I've paid my dues," Epps said with a smile. "I've secretly been pulling the strings for the deep state a long time and it's time for me to enjoy my retirement before Trump gets on my case about inciting January 6." FBI Director Christopher Wray, who is also stepping down at the end of the Biden administration, praised Ray Epps for [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/ray-epps-announces-resignation-from-fbi

Assassin Luigi Mangione Takes Lead In 2028 Democratic Primary Polls U.S. — Despite currently being in custody and charged with the murder of a health insurance company CEO, alleged assassin Luigi Mangione has now taken the lead in 2028 Democratic primary polls. Though more well-known candidates like Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsom, and Gretchen Whitmer remained in the running, Mangione had surged to the top of the polls in just a matter of days following his rise to stardom among Democrat voters after committing a cold-blooded murder. "He's the perfect representative of everything the Democratic Party stands for," said MSNBC host Rachel Maddow. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/assassin-luigi-mangione-takes-lead-in-2028-democratic-primary-polls

Kamala Harris Named 'Person Of The Year' By Wine Enthusiast VALHALLA, NY — In what the media hailed as the most prestigious award announcement of the season, Vice President Kamala Harris was named "Person of the Year" by Wine Enthusiast magazine. The annual honor, given to a person to recognize outstanding achievement in wine consumption, was voted unanimously to be awarded to Harris after the awe-inspiring work she did throughout 2024 to promote and exemplify the enjoyment of wine. "She blew every other candidate out of the water," said Jacqueline Strum, the magazine's editor and publisher. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-named-person-of-the-year-by-wine-enthusiast

Liberals Sadly Wish Each Other 'Happy Holidays' One Last Time Before Trump Makes It Punishable By Death [...] "Happy Holidays," a tearful Sarah Stone said, holding her children tight. "I love you and I — I just want to tell you Happy Holidays before it's too late. Before Trump kills us all." Though Trump has been silent on the matter, liberals are already preparing for the inevitable day the phrase "Happy Holidays" is replaced with the dark, Christian Nationalist greeting "Merry Christmas." Many experts believe this is everyone's last chance to say the more politically correct "Happy Holidays" before the hammer drops and they are all condemned to death. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/liberals-sadly-wish-each-other-happy-holidays-for-last-time-before-trump-makes-it-punishable-by-death

'Now Now, Let's Not Be So Hasty To Find And Assassinate Everyone Responsible For The Healthcare Crisis,' Says Nervous Obama [...] In an only slightly nervous statement to the nation, a visibly sweating Obama reminded people not to jump into hunting down and killing everyone who might be considered responsible for causing the terrible state of American healthcare. "Now, now, let's not get carried away here," said Obama, tapping the floor faster and faster as an eyebrow inadvertently twitched. "Surely the answer here isn't more violence. After all, we can't [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/now-now-lets-not-be-so-hasty-to-find-and-assassinate-everyone-responsible-for-the-healthcare-crisis-says-nervous-obama

Scintillating Tuesday repartee, yawn man. ----- Thrilling Tuesday report, see man: First doc caucus was orthopedic, need body-transplant we man. Doc refused to inject our aching wrists, case of awristed development man. Instead referred us for Many sessions of Occupational Therapy, man. Lunch was at Panera Bread, first time there man. All staff and most customers looked like rejects from hippie days, weird man. We went to see how much a long-lost gift card had on it, inquire we man. Card was so old that it had too many numbers to check, must call HQ we man. We consumed a Tuna Salad sandwich, ingest we man. Prices nothing to write home about unless gift card ultimately has something on it, conclude we man. Went to Aldi to return unwanted slippers for Mama T-B., long wait inside man. Store was completely mobbed at 1 p.m. on a Tuesday, unbelievable man. Was several minutes late for second doc caucus, sinus CT man. CT normal, They X-Rayed Our Head And Found Nothing man. Had audiology test, The Better To Hear You With man. We have "moderate to moderately severe hearing-loss," man. We went aysheep and were completely depressed, man. They urged us to get hearing-aids, $Many,000 therefor man. We called Mama T-B. about it, we man call senior she man man. Mama T-B. told us to use these results as baseline and to retest in a year, sensible senior she man man. We can still hear if people don't mumble while turned away from us, conclude we man. We are less aysheep than before, si yet sigh man. Returned to casa in time for an under-hour siesta, crucial necessity man. Many (2+1) old guys were out walking, si man. First one said, "Windy, isn't it, huh man?" si man. The second one said, "No, it's Thursday, si man!" si man. The Many'rd one said, "So am I, si man. Let's go get a beer, si man!" si man. Din-din was shepherd's pie from Aldi, new din-din ingest Two Guys man. Mini-B. heartily high-Many'd us afterward, approving wee man man. Movie night was Just Go With It, very good man. Many (2+2+1) -- si man, Many (2+2+1) bowls of Costco popcorn were consumed, ingest Two Guys man. This tallies to Many (2x2x2) popcorns for the week already, just 2 more needed for quota man. Junior Chica from south Texas texted us that she misses us, major admission man. We told her that this made us feel good, admit we man to JC man man. JC responded with smiling foto of JC's self, hope springs eternal in we man man. Nothing formal on calendar for Wednesday, no man. We shall probably take care of nagging administrative poop, si man. And that was/is our thrilling Tuesday, report we man.

Agreed. Poor family.