dawning

Have you tried with a congressperson or senator? 

It's actually kind of ambiguous; just says the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed on, without specifying what kind of arms.
We don't go on and on about the right of people to have bombs, or anthrax, or nuclear weapons, in fact we are mostly eager for those to kept of impulsive hands.  I think it's more cultural norms that have made guns sacred in some peoples minds, and the intent of the framers of the constitution seems like it's open to debate. 
Just a thought, not wanting to get in a war of words or anything.

Illegal means that she doesn't have permission to be here at this time.  A lot of folks come on temporary visas such as student and visitor visas and then stay past the time allotted them, which makes their presence "illegal".  But they are not "Undocumented" because they have a document showing that they were once admitted. 
"Undocumented" immigrants enter the country without going through an immigration checkpoint, often by walking across the border.  Their presence is also "illegal" but they are treated more severely as they never had any official permission to enter.
 
I think a lot of confusion has been caused by some speakers replacing "illegal" with "undocumented" because "illegal" is such a loaded word.  The reality is that it is possible to be documented but not legal with regard to immigration status.

OP, perhaps, I'm too late, but  I would like to add my two cents.
First of all, I'm amazed at how quickly some VJ members jump to conclusions and how eagerly they give advice like "send them back." People are not purchases from Amazon that you don't like, they can't be just "sent back." It is flat out inhuman to say things like that.
Second, it is disheartening to see that the concept of "cultural humility" is so foreign even among immigrants and those who have immigrant spouses. The demands for new immigrants about quick and fully assimilation immediately after moving to the US are unreasonable and unrealistic for the majority of us. Acculturation is a long and painful process. Some it takes months, some spend years trying to adjust to their new country. Most immigrants go through severe mental challenges and need help with their adjustment. Guys, please be kind to each other!
OP, I believe I can understand what your wife is going through right now. I can relate to her low self-esteem and her anxiety regarding her limited English proficiency. It is normal but, at the moment, she might be not able to understand that due to her depression. Acquiring English skills as an adult is a slow process indeed, it takes patience and perseverance. However, it's entirely doable. I'm 45 now, and as you can see my English isn't perfect. Nevertheless, two years ago I couldn't write in English. Currently, I am enrolled in a Master's program in a big university and am doing well. Ever since I moved here, I struggled, cried, and questioned myself a lot. But I am fortunate to have my amazing husband by my side, who never gets tired of reminding me how smart I am and how much he believes in me. Marriage is a team project. It is a long project. 
During past ten months, I learned a lot about coping with a culture shock. Should your wife wish to talk to someone who had the same experience, please PM me.
 
I sincerely wish the best to both of you. 

To be fair you both bought into a dream and not reality.

There are a few things that come into play in my opinion: 
 
1. The good ol' classic American Dream. A lot of people in other countries can't fully grasp that there is a middle and low class in the U.S too! and I'm sure it's partially perpetuated by T.V and movies.
 
2. The struggle of moving, leaving everything behind to start a new life in a foreign country. It's uncertain, it's scary, and it sounds that a language barrier exists.
 
3. The lack of privacy, the struggle of living with your parents, the financial hardship, lack of activities. to name a few. 
 
It sounds that you both had certain expectations that are not being met. Marriage is hard, long distance immigration marriage is 10x times harder and a lot of people don't realize this. Once you're together you start from scratch, on top of having to deal with a lot of issues like the ones mentioned. You basically have two options: You either talk to her, go to marriage counseling and acknowledge your role in this and address your concerns, be open to the mistakes you're both making to find a way to make it work, or divorce and move on, let them go back to Russia. I know it's heartbreaking that your stepdaughter is struggling, but continuing to live under this kind of stress isn't helping her either.
Good luck in all of this, truly.
 

I don't know how doable this is, but might there be a way to limit their tv time?  Most of what's on tv isn't good even for mentally balanced people, and if you add in culture shock and depression I believe it could definitely make things worse.  The only good thing is it helps with English, but there are better options for that.
 
I don't necessarily agree with the folks saying she must have married you only for a green card, that if not she would be supporting you through your crisis. She may have married you for a green card, but she might on the other hand really love you and still be overwhelmed by the difficulty of adjusting to a new place. 
 
If they sit in bed all day crying something is obviously wrong.  It sounds like you've tried a lot of different ways to try and help them, but so far there's a lot of resistance.   Some of that may be cultural.  Not everyone is as eager to see a therapist or pop pills as U.S. people overall are.  I agree with the posters who say have patience, see if things improve once she has her work approval, and if not let them go back if that is what your wife decides. 
 
Good luck!  It sounds tough.

Hi,
I remember you from when you posted about your relationship last time shortly after your wife arrived. I'm sorry to hear things have not improved. I can fully relate to what you are going thru as the first 2 years with my Ethiopian husband were hellish, but we were able to turn things around. A couple of thoughts came up for me when reading your post. ( this is going to be super long lol)
 
1)the last name thing: in Ethiopian culture, as she probably told you, the middle name is the first name of her father, and her last name is the first name of her grandfather. Children in ethiopia don't even carry the same last name as their parents, they have their given first name, then take their father's first name. Women don't take change their name, my husband's parents were married 50 years before he passed away, she never changer her name. I can't front, at first I was not sure how I felt about not taking his name. Now I kinda like the fact that my identity before this marriage get's to stay intact.
 
2) Has she has a chance to go home to visit? I don't know how much time you spent in Ethiopia before you married, but it's like completely different planet culturally. My husband had a HUGE identity crisis which lasted almost the whole 2 years before he got a chance to go home for a couple of months. The thing is Ethiopia is pretty much a mono-culture in many ways, the have the strongest/ oldest  national origin story of almost any nation on the planet. To come to the US and be seen as an outsider and be treated like an immigrant/ less than a person devastated him. After he came back from visiting for a couple of months he had so much more perspective and had rebuilt up his confidence. Have you celebrated any of her holy days with her? tried learning any amharic/ oromo/ tegrenya phrases? one turning point for us was when I made Doro Wot for Easter, it was a suggestion from his brother. It was a really big deal for him.
 
3) At the same time, I had to do a lot of internal work to get clear about the type of treatment I was willing to accept. He was mean, and lashed out quite a bit because he was so freaked out. We were staying with my family due to some health issues with my parents. It was incredibly stressful. Still, I had to put strong boundaries on him. I was in the process of leaving him before he really understood that I deserved kindness no mater what was going on with him. When it came down to it, either he loved me , wanted me in his life and was willing to do what it takes
or I was going to leave him. I didn't threaten him with leaving. I told him if he was not willing to be kind to me I would leave. When he didn't, I started the process. Realizing that he could really lose me changed him alot. I also was willing to continue helping him with his immigration journey if that was his only reason for being with me..cuz hey all I did to achieve my USC status was to be born here.... just so he wouldn't waste any more of my time.... I was willing to help him file as diveorced person for his ROC etc.. because really life is too short to be with someone who is trying to use you. He figured out that he did really want this relationship.
 
4) This immigration process creates a very specific power dynamic between the USC and immigrant spouse. It causes so much drama, I wish it wasn't like this. Think about what expectations of a partner you would have if you hadn't sponsored them. One time my husband told me I behaved as if I owned him. It really opened my eyes.
 
5)  The other biggest cultural huddle we had to get over was Ethiopian's tendency to just say whatever to get thru the moment. Culturally for us that is the sign of poor character, and flat out lying. Things are a bit more fluid for them. I seen it with a lot Ethiopians, the face value thing doesn't exist. You always have listen to what they say, watch what they do and call them on their stuff. Having this level of discernment and banter builds their respect for you. It's probably my least favorite cultural difference. So don't take it personal.  But hey.. we could have married a fellow american and not had these kinda issues lol. Cultural or not, I wasn't trying to have to deal with this for the rest of my life..so we had lots of talks about it and things are getting better.
 
I think sometimes when we marry someone from aboard we think we'll instantly get everything we wanted from a partner since we went thru all this paperwork and hoops and stress to be with them. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, but I love my husband more, in a deeper grounded way, than when we first started because we have been thru some stuff. I wish the best for you both. Take good care of yourself no matter what <3
 
 

Perhaps an alternative option is that once your husband naturalizes the two of you could consider moving to Spain to be with her in her last years?  I have no idea if that is doable for you all, but it might be worth thinking about.

Perhaps an alternative option is that once your husband naturalizes the two of you could consider moving to Spain to be with her in her last years?  I have no idea if that is doable for you all, but it might be worth thinking about.

Perhaps an alternative option is that once your husband naturalizes the two of you could consider moving to Spain to be with her in her last years?  I have no idea if that is doable for you all, but it might be worth thinking about.

You may be eligible for VAWA. More expert people will let you know I hope.  Your story sounds like clear-cut abuse to me, however I do know that a lot of evidence is required when applying for VAWA. 
I agree with the people telling you to get out and find a shelter first, and try to figure out the immigration stuff afterward.  Your immigration status won't matter if your husband kills or seriously hurts you.  You sound intelligent and tough, so I would imagine if you put your mind to looking for resources you will find help both with the domestic violence aspects and the immigration aspects of your case. 
If you want to stay and you see your life getting better here, give it your best shot.  I'm not sure why everyone else is so sure going home is the best choice.

I like that quote... I think most of the "go home to your family" people are well intentioned and imagining what they think they might do if the found themselves in an abusive relationship away from their support system.  (Although the imagining and the reality are often quite different.) But taking the stance that going home is what all abused immigrants should do in way creates a permissive attitude for USCs to bring foreign spouse and treat them badly, then send them back home.  Not to mention many are coming from cultures where divorce is taboo, and may have even more difficult situations once they get sent "home".
 
All in all, VAWA exists as an important safety net for abuse victims.  Some people may take unfair advantage of it, however that does not negate the need for it to exist for genuine victims of abuse.

I know people on this forum tend to hate on undocumented immigrants, but I still don't get why it's perhaps acceptable to benefit from someone's brilliant (and highly educated) minds, but it's ok to take advantage of strong backs and financial need of people who cross from poorer countries?  Large parts of our economy are based on having undocumented workers desperate to earn money, but it's considered ok to use 'em up and deport them. 
Sorry, I know this thought is outside what was mostly being discussed so far, but the discussion of what it means to be a community and not just a business made me think of it.

I know people on this forum tend to hate on undocumented immigrants, but I still don't get why it's perhaps acceptable to benefit from someone's brilliant (and highly educated) minds, but it's ok to take advantage of strong backs and financial need of people who cross from poorer countries?  Large parts of our economy are based on having undocumented workers desperate to earn money, but it's considered ok to use 'em up and deport them. 
Sorry, I know this thought is outside what was mostly being discussed so far, but the discussion of what it means to be a community and not just a business made me think of it.

I know people on this forum tend to hate on undocumented immigrants, but I still don't get why it's perhaps acceptable to benefit from someone's brilliant (and highly educated) minds, but it's ok to take advantage of strong backs and financial need of people who cross from poorer countries?  Large parts of our economy are based on having undocumented workers desperate to earn money, but it's considered ok to use 'em up and deport them. 
Sorry, I know this thought is outside what was mostly being discussed so far, but the discussion of what it means to be a community and not just a business made me think of it.

I agree that it's unfortunate that some people feel the need to shame people for asking questions they think are too obvious.  No one has to comment on any given post.  Why not just move on and find one you think is more interesting or challenging?

I agree that it's unfortunate that some people feel the need to shame people for asking questions they think are too obvious.  No one has to comment on any given post.  Why not just move on and find one you think is more interesting or challenging?

I don't for sure know the answer, but I wouldn't think it would be likely that anyone would bother pursuing your husband because you received assistance in the 30 days before your citizenship was final. 
 
Mostly I just wanted to put in a vote of moral support that you should feel comfortable getting assistance if your family needs it.  Your husband is a citizen (I am assuming) and your child will be, so anything that helps to keep you healthy will be benefiting them, and you are becoming a citizen, so  your being supported now will help you to be a more productive citizen in the future for years to come.  And as you said, it is temporary.
 
Good luck!

This is true, it is necessary to make sure not to apply for something for which you don't qualify, and to be careful to avoid any misrepresentation in anyapplication.    I was meaning to say more don't let people shame you for using things for which you legitimately ARE eligible.

This is true, it is necessary to make sure not to apply for something for which you don't qualify, and to be careful to avoid any misrepresentation in anyapplication.    I was meaning to say more don't let people shame you for using things for which you legitimately ARE eligible.

I don't for sure know the answer, but I wouldn't think it would be likely that anyone would bother pursuing your husband because you received assistance in the 30 days before your citizenship was final. 
 
Mostly I just wanted to put in a vote of moral support that you should feel comfortable getting assistance if your family needs it.  Your husband is a citizen (I am assuming) and your child will be, so anything that helps to keep you healthy will be benefiting them, and you are becoming a citizen, so  your being supported now will help you to be a more productive citizen in the future for years to come.  And as you said, it is temporary.
 
Good luck!

I don't think you should wish to be less sensitive.  It would be wrong to bring her privately planning to see if you want to go through with it while she thinks it's a full on commitment.  People on this forum are sometimes cavalier about the fact that the immigrant is changing everything in their life to come and be with a new spouse.  What if she gives up everything to come her and you decide you aren't compatible?   Whether her dream is to be with you or to be in the US or both, bringing her here with the idea that you can send her back if things get hard is disrespectful.
That said, if you don't feel sure you should definitely wait.  It doesn't sound like you have spent much time together yet, and it seems unlikely that she will get a visitor's visa to the US
Would it be possible for you to stay in her country for a long period of time?  Maybe have some kind of couples' counseling there? Or is there a third country where you could live together for a while?

I don't think you should wish to be less sensitive.  It would be wrong to bring her privately planning to see if you want to go through with it while she thinks it's a full on commitment.  People on this forum are sometimes cavalier about the fact that the immigrant is changing everything in their life to come and be with a new spouse.  What if she gives up everything to come her and you decide you aren't compatible?   Whether her dream is to be with you or to be in the US or both, bringing her here with the idea that you can send her back if things get hard is disrespectful.
That said, if you don't feel sure you should definitely wait.  It doesn't sound like you have spent much time together yet, and it seems unlikely that she will get a visitor's visa to the US
Would it be possible for you to stay in her country for a long period of time?  Maybe have some kind of couples' counseling there? Or is there a third country where you could live together for a while?

I think you are right... If you don't feel ready or you are unsure about the relationship the best and most honest thing is to hold off on filing for the visa.
There will be people on here who will tell you that she is probably a scammer and therefore it's ok for you to play around to test her honesty.  I don't agree with that morally as you can see by my answer. 
She may have a very different definition of marriage than you do... cultural expectations can influence people's view of relationships much more than they are aware of.  That's where more time together and maybe some kind of joint counseling with someone that knows about both cultures might help.
 
Good luck!