dawning

If I understand her correctly she is not saying that African men are allowed to be gay by the governments of their countries, rather that commentators here are admitting that some ARE gay, in spite of it not being culturally accepted, and yet do not admit/imagine that an African man might have a thing for older women or dislike children in spite of those being against cultural norms in Africa.  Hence her comment on the double standard.  If some Africans really want to be involved with a member of the same sex, in spite of severe punishment if discovered, why couldn't some also want to be with older women in spite of cultural disapproval? Or not want children?

I think it's best if you speak for yourself.  While I myself am not really interested in practicing polyamory, I don't find consensual sex between adults in any number or combination immoral, and I think that saying "most people would say it's immoral" makes open discourse harder to have and pushes people who might be judged for being outside the norm further into the shadows.  Ten years ago many would have written that about a same-sex relationship, however we are now in a situation where a majority of the US population sees same sex relationships as just as valid as heterosexual ones.   
 
The other point that people sometimes miss is that polyamory isn't just about "what goes on in the bedroom".  As USCIS requirements show, a marriage or long-term relationship is much more than just sex.  I think the OP has a valid point in that if USCIS somehow finds out/knows that she is in a relationship with Adam at the same time as she is married to Steve they might argue that the relationship with Steve is just for immigration benefits, as the more dominant norm in the US is for people to see fidelity and the requirement of fidelity as an evidence of a bonafide relationship. I'm thinking maybe in some ways the question is not just "can I/do I have to hide my relationship to Adam" but also "If they find out will they assume we are not for genuine in our relationship?"  Which is understandable, as many people in polyamorous relationships have that experience with friends and family and casual acquaintances. Friends and family don't have the same power over us as USCIS officers, however.
 
Good luck OP.  If you do proceed perhaps you can come back and tell your experience so that others can learn from it.

I think it's best if you speak for yourself.  While I myself am not really interested in practicing polyamory, I don't find consensual sex between adults in any number or combination immoral, and I think that saying "most people would say it's immoral" makes open discourse harder to have and pushes people who might be judged for being outside the norm further into the shadows.  Ten years ago many would have written that about a same-sex relationship, however we are now in a situation where a majority of the US population sees same sex relationships as just as valid as heterosexual ones.   
 
The other point that people sometimes miss is that polyamory isn't just about "what goes on in the bedroom".  As USCIS requirements show, a marriage or long-term relationship is much more than just sex.  I think the OP has a valid point in that if USCIS somehow finds out/knows that she is in a relationship with Adam at the same time as she is married to Steve they might argue that the relationship with Steve is just for immigration benefits, as the more dominant norm in the US is for people to see fidelity and the requirement of fidelity as an evidence of a bonafide relationship. I'm thinking maybe in some ways the question is not just "can I/do I have to hide my relationship to Adam" but also "If they find out will they assume we are not for genuine in our relationship?"  Which is understandable, as many people in polyamorous relationships have that experience with friends and family and casual acquaintances. Friends and family don't have the same power over us as USCIS officers, however.
 
Good luck OP.  If you do proceed perhaps you can come back and tell your experience so that others can learn from it.

So sorry to hear about what you are both going through. Here are some numbers that might help and I hope you make a call for her even if she is not willing to do so herself. I do not know your County in California so I am including a general number and the California Behavioral Health link (Suicide). Good Luck with everything.
Suicide Prevention
Call 1-800-273-8255         
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/california-suicide-hotlines.html
 

If you don't want to work with a midwife and birthing center, you might talk to local OB/GYN providers and inquire about their pricing for cash pay.  You might be able to negotiate a not-too-high price.  If they tell you what hospital they usually deliver at you may be able to negotiate a flat fee for delivery with the hospital especially if you are able to pre-pay.
 
The problem with this, and also with the birthing center/midwife option, is that while you may be able to find reasonable rates for a routine birth, those may not cover complications like an unplanned cesarean.  However, that is more likely to be an expensive issue for the baby than for you, and s/he, if not on his/her father's insurance, would definitely be eligible for medicaid type assistance as well.
 
Good luck!

Yes, I have definitely heard of people planning a cesarean negotiating the price ahead, so perhaps there could be a contingency in their agreement?
 

I don't think that's strictly accurate.  Yeah, you don't have a RIGHT to be let in to the country as a non-citizen (what about as a citizen?), but hopefully you do have a right not to be tortured, killed, held for ransom, and so forth. 
 
I don't really have anything awful to hide either, in the sense of something like drug-smuggling or child-pornography, but what if they decide not to let me (or anyone) in because they don't like my politics?  Just look at how divisive this discussion has gotten because some think it is blaming the current president for something that was apparently also done during the last administration.  What if the CPB officer has a chip on his shoulder like some of the posters here?
Saying "I don't mind because I have nothing to hide" implies a high level of faith in the ethics of those conducting the surveillance, and I'm not convinced that trust is warranted.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

Perhaps it's better not to comment if you don't have the patience to understand what he's talking about.  He didn't say anything about unauthorized work.  He is talking about being offered a promotion that would involve a long commute or moving, and his wife not being supportive.

I wouldn't be too sure that everyone screaming "fraud" necessarily "did it the right way". Some people simply enjoy pulling up the ladder after they receive a benefit.

I don't understand why you would go there... If she entered into the marriage in good faith, only to find out that her husband has been cheating on her, why shouldn't she have a choice whether to return home or build a life here?  Is it ok for him to import a wife planning to divorce and deport her if she doesn't tolerate infidelity?
 
I think maybe what she is saying is that she would rather be single in her home country than treated disrespectfully in a relationship in the US, but she is trying to figure out if those are really the only choices.  I would imagine that whether she can ROC on her own depends on the quality of her evidence of bona fide marriage more than anything else.  I wouldn't think it would matter if she can prove his infidelity, given that he is threatening to divorce her for raising the question.
 
If it were me, I would want to know more about what was really going on with the husband, maybe try some kind of counseling or mediation before definitively deciding to divorce, whether leaving or staying in the US.  But I don't think wanting to know her options relating to her immigration status as she tries to make that decision is unreasonable or suspicious, rather it's a smart move of protecting herself against potential manipulation or deception.

I don't understand why you would go there... If she entered into the marriage in good faith, only to find out that her husband has been cheating on her, why shouldn't she have a choice whether to return home or build a life here?  Is it ok for him to import a wife planning to divorce and deport her if she doesn't tolerate infidelity?
 
I think maybe what she is saying is that she would rather be single in her home country than treated disrespectfully in a relationship in the US, but she is trying to figure out if those are really the only choices.  I would imagine that whether she can ROC on her own depends on the quality of her evidence of bona fide marriage more than anything else.  I wouldn't think it would matter if she can prove his infidelity, given that he is threatening to divorce her for raising the question.
 
If it were me, I would want to know more about what was really going on with the husband, maybe try some kind of counseling or mediation before definitively deciding to divorce, whether leaving or staying in the US.  But I don't think wanting to know her options relating to her immigration status as she tries to make that decision is unreasonable or suspicious, rather it's a smart move of protecting herself against potential manipulation or deception.

I find this conclusion a little surprising. When my husband had his cr-1 interview, he said they didn't really ask him any questions, it seemed they had already decided to approve the visa ahead of time. I would imagine a k-1 could go the same way? Although probably they are stricter in Pakistan.
It also seems to me that if the description of her situation is close to accurate, she could be considered a victim of human trafficking, and I am surprised to hear that there is no legal protection available for someone who was brought to the country under false pretenses, and then severely abused, regardless of whether she understood that she was participating in fraud. It sounds (again, if her story is true) that she didn't have a lot of choice in either the marriage or the immigration even when she was in her home country. I am also surprised by the number of people saying that she SHOULD be deported, regardless of the circumstance she might face in her home country. Perhaps they just don't believe that severe abuse and human trafficking really exist?
Please note, I am not claiming to be an expert. I am only posing the questions above in an attempt to learn more about the legal implications of the situation.

I find this conclusion a little surprising. When my husband had his cr-1 interview, he said they didn't really ask him any questions, it seemed they had already decided to approve the visa ahead of time. I would imagine a k-1 could go the same way? Although probably they are stricter in Pakistan.
It also seems to me that if the description of her situation is close to accurate, she could be considered a victim of human trafficking, and I am surprised to hear that there is no legal protection available for someone who was brought to the country under false pretenses, and then severely abused, regardless of whether she understood that she was participating in fraud. It sounds (again, if her story is true) that she didn't have a lot of choice in either the marriage or the immigration even when she was in her home country. I am also surprised by the number of people saying that she SHOULD be deported, regardless of the circumstance she might face in her home country. Perhaps they just don't believe that severe abuse and human trafficking really exist?
Please note, I am not claiming to be an expert. I am only posing the questions above in an attempt to learn more about the legal implications of the situation.

Thanks everyone for the input. He received a letter yesterday that I guess is NOA1. While it doesn't have a date other than the date the petition was received, it does say that his conditional green card was extended for one year, and that the fees were waived. So, as info for anyone else filing with a fee waiver, we received the NOA 29 days after the date they counted the petition as received. In other words, if you file a fee waiver be prepared to wait up to 30 days to hear if it was accepted or not.

I find this conclusion a little surprising. When my husband had his cr-1 interview, he said they didn't really ask him any questions, it seemed they had already decided to approve the visa ahead of time. I would imagine a k-1 could go the same way? Although probably they are stricter in Pakistan.
It also seems to me that if the description of her situation is close to accurate, she could be considered a victim of human trafficking, and I am surprised to hear that there is no legal protection available for someone who was brought to the country under false pretenses, and then severely abused, regardless of whether she understood that she was participating in fraud. It sounds (again, if her story is true) that she didn't have a lot of choice in either the marriage or the immigration even when she was in her home country. I am also surprised by the number of people saying that she SHOULD be deported, regardless of the circumstance she might face in her home country. Perhaps they just don't believe that severe abuse and human trafficking really exist?
Please note, I am not claiming to be an expert. I am only posing the questions above in an attempt to learn more about the legal implications of the situation.

I am not an expert, but I tend to think that your husband is right... Just because you have thought of divorcing, if you haven't made that decision you should proceed as though you are expecting to stay together. Relationships are hard, and a lot of people may talk about or think about divorce, but until they actually take the step they are entitled to be treated as a married couple.
I suppose you might have some grounds to worry that if you are engaging in polyamorous situations they might think that your relationship is not legitimate, as "infidelity" (a slippery term) is considered a deal breaker by many couples. However, I don't know how that would come up if you don't volunteer it. Does anyone else have any insight on that front?
Be careful with anxiety pills. I recommend meditation or yoga, although I know it may not work for everyone.
Good luck!
Edit: I saw your post about the pills after I posted... I didn't mean to imply that your use of the pills was dodgy, just that they could have side effects you might not find desirable.

We don't really know this woman's situation, and it's not at all uncommon for an individual's FB profile/postings not to match reality. She may well be a scammer, or a user. But I did want to comment that demanding/pressuring someone who is not interested for sex IS abusive, if that is in fact what occurred. Marriage does not equal consent, having consented in the past does not equal consent at any given moment. While there are a lot of strange things about her story, I would be hesitant to assume that means her husband is a saint.