Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Carpe Vinum 2,311]

31 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

It's my wife's money so I will let her decide. In reality, because of her culture and personality, she will always take care of her mother, no matter how her mother treats her.

I think you have enough advice here for two lifetimes))) It seems your eyes are open. I wish you the best of luck.

[Prisonmate 93]

51 minutes ago, Carpe Vinum said:

I think you have enough advice here for two lifetimes))) It seems your eyes are open. I wish you the best of luck.

Yes, you're right.  Thanks to all for giving their insights.

It is what it is. Nothing in life is perfect. Just look at the bright side and don't worry too much about things you can't change. 

[Prisonmate 93]

7 hours ago, Kor2USA said:

If $700 a month is okay with you fair enough. 

But, if you think it is too much you should chat to your wife about the situation. 

I was sending a good chunk of money home every year to my family before I met my husband ( I wasn't able to save). 

We spoke about our future goals and I had to set a boundary with my family and told them I needed to focus on my future. 

It was an incredibly difficult situation for me. But, I made my relationship with my husband a priority. 

I salute you and your husband.  It looks like you have a control of the situation and great communications skills with your husband.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

3 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

It's my wife's money so I will let her decide. In reality, because of her culture and personality, she will always take care of her mother, no matter how her mother treats her.

There is a difference between taking care of her nanay and going overboard about it especially if she isn't thankful for it. 

We help take care of my MIL because she is older with dementia but as I said there is boundaries we set up..

 

If you MIL isn't thankful for it then scale it back to $300

[MarryMe987654 241]

I would stop any sort of support if I ever heard my mom say that to me.

If she ever says that I owe her my life and everything, then we will be in for some eye-openers.

 

I have been supporting my mom and my family for probably 20 years now, and while I don't mind it because they are usually very grateful and do not take advantage of me, I made sure to always keep them in check and never make them think that we had bottomless resources.

 

When I got married to my husband, I set their expectations that things were going to change because I had another family unit to support now. While my husband is very understanding and accepting of my culture and what I do to my family, I also made sure that I shielded my husband from partaking in that part of the culture and made sure that they did not get into the habit of asking my husband for things.

 

As long as my helping my family does not affect our (me and my husband's) finances, my husband does not intervene. He even scolds me when he thinks I do not give enough.

 

As a reference, I pay all the bills in my house online (water and electricity), then I give about $70 a week for groceries (that's what I spent when I was living there), and some extra if needed, which would be about $50 a month. My house has already been built and paid for before I got married.

Edited March 27, 2022 by MarryMe987654

[teddy k 35]

On 3/26/2022 at 3:42 PM, Prisonmate said:

Yes, the numbers sounds right. There is no rent as the other sister is paying the mortgage. There is the mother and two younger sisters living with the mother so three in the household. I know expenses has been going up in the Philippines due to the lock down and Covid pandemic. Plus there are always unexpected expenses to help extended family members.

Yes I know that feeling there's always some emergency and they need money, they think the American husband is a ATM when he's actually working his butt off to pay his own bills,  but like I told them before I send what I can when I can.

[Prisonmate 93]

57 minutes ago, MarryMe987654 said:

I would stop any sort of support if I ever heard my mom say that to me.

If she ever says that I owe her my life and everything, then we will be in for some eye-openers.

 

I have been supporting my mom and my family for probably 20 years now, and while I don't mind it because they are usually very grateful and do not take advantage of me, I made sure to always keep them in check and never make them think that we had bottomless resources.

 

When I got married to my husband, I set their expectations that things were going to change because I had another family unit to support now. While my husband is very understanding and accepting of my culture and what I do to my family, I also made sure that I shielded my husband from partaking in that part of the culture and made sure that they did not get into the habit of asking my husband for things.

 

As long as my helping my family does not affect our (me and my husband's) finances, my husband does not intervene. He even scolds me when he thinks I do not give enough.

 

As a reference, I pay all the bills in my house online (water and electricity), then I give about $70 a week for groceries (that's what I spent when I was living there), and some extra if needed, which would be about $50 a month. My house has already been built and paid for before I got married.

You're a good daughter and your mom and family is fortunate to have you. Not all daughters will do what you and my wife is doing by sending money to their family.  At least, your mother appreciate your contribution to make their lives better.

[MarryMe987654 241]

17 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

You're a good daughter and your mom and family is fortunate to have you. Not all daughters will do what you and my wife is doing by sending money to their family.  At least, your mother appreciate your contribution to make their lives better.

Oh yeah.. I really think that I am lucky with my family. It's not just my mom but my siblings as well. In a way, they make my life easier by always helping me with everything. Since I was the breadwinner, they never let me do any housework or any chores. There's too many of them in the house to do that role.

 

But I think the important thing is, I do not really spoil my family. I let them see and know how much I am paying, how much I am making, my struggles, my worries. I give them the opportunity to do better on their own (sent them to college, help them achieve their dream house/car, sent them to trainings, etc.)I also don't let them feel like they owe me anything and it was a give and take situation, not a martyrdom kind of thing.

 

It's crucial for me to 'train' my family not to demand, not to be snobbish, not to expect, and to always be grateful and helpful in their own ways.

[Dhilman2 5]

Tell her to go to the street markets, and quit the fancy malls.. $700 a month is about $400 to much after living in the Phils for 18mons. Its imo its about "keeping up appearances.."

 

[RO_AH 1,623]

On 3/26/2022 at 9:27 AM, Prisonmate said:

My wife loves her mom too much to cut her off. I do understand what you are saying.  My wife has always been supporting her mother and siblings ever since she started working. I don't want to cut off the relationship between mother and daughter. I just wish there was a way to tell my mother in law that her way of thinking is wrong.  Her daughter is grateful to her mother but don't make the daughter feel like she needs to pay for the rest of her life. Especially when 70% of her income goes to the monthly remittance.

You can't let your wife or her mom equate love with money. Before my wife got here at the end of last year I was sending about 1k USD/mo. Her father cannot work due to health and the mom runs their store and helped my wife a lot with our 2 children. Her younger sister is a student so basically I was supporting 4 adults and 2 children.

 

Now that she is here we send about 200/mo. This is for her sister and 2 parents. They have a sari sari store which helps them make their own money.

 

About 5 years ago her father pulled the "you owe it to me" routine because We (me and my wife) would not pay to send her brother to college. He told her to leave he didn't need her. My wife moved out with the younger sister, and at that time cut her parents off almost completely. (that is love in my opinion, tough love) It took a little over a year for her father to humble himself and apologize. She moved back to their house. Since then we totally rebuilt the house and basically saved her fathers life when he was having kidney failure and needed to be hospitalized. The parents have never asked for anything from that one time and are truly grateful for anything that we do give them. That is how the relationship SHOULD be and it took cutting them off to get the relationship there.

[Prisonmate 93]

9 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

You can't let your wife or her mom equate love with money. Before my wife got here at the end of last year I was sending about 1k USD/mo. Her father cannot work due to health and the mom runs their store and helped my wife a lot with our 2 children. Her younger sister is a student so basically I was supporting 4 adults and 2 children.

 

Now that she is here we send about 200/mo. This is for her sister and 2 parents. They have a sari sari store which helps them make their own money.

 

About 5 years ago her father pulled the "you owe it to me" routine because We (me and my wife) would not pay to send her brother to college. He told her to leave he didn't need her. My wife moved out with the younger sister, and at that time cut her parents off almost completely. (that is love in my opinion, tough love) It took a little over a year for her father to humble himself and apologize. She moved back to their house. Since then we totally rebuilt the house and basically saved her fathers life when he was having kidney failure and needed to be hospitalized. The parents have never asked for anything from that one time and are truly grateful for anything that we do give them. That is how the relationship SHOULD be and it took cutting them off to get the relationship there.

I am glad at the end it worked out for you and your family with tough love. Thank you for telling your story. Tough love is certainly an option.

[RO_AH 1,623]

23 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

I forgot to mention this is all her money that she is makes while working two jobs. I provide for us but she provides for her family in the Philippines.

Wrong thinking IMO. You are married all earned money is joint money for your family. You both have a say in how it gets spent. At this point its really not about the money but more about the emotional blackmail as well as the unhealthy toxic relationship.

[Prisonmate 93]

Just now, RO_AH said:

Wrong thinking IMO. You are married all earned money is joint money for your family. You both have a say in how it gets spent. At this point its really not about the money but more about the emotional blackmail as well as the unhealthy toxic relationship.

Yes, but everyone's financial situations are different. The toxic relationships is with my MIL and my wife. I stay out of the picture and give moral and emotional support to my wife; a third person perspective.

[Redro 4,601]

1 minute ago, Prisonmate said:

Yes, but everyone's financial situations are different. The toxic relationships is with my MIL and my wife. I stay out of the picture and give moral and emotional support to my wife; a third person perspective.

Are you happy with the amount your wife is sending? Is she happy with the amount she is spending?

Your wife is the person earning the money. She gets to dictate how much she sends not her mother. 

Everyone's financial situation is different but the common theme in this thread is a resounding "set boundaries with entitled family members".

And setting boundaries does not mean "stop sending money". 

[Prisonmate 93]

Just now, Kor2USA said:

Are you happy with the amount your wife is sending? Is she happy with the amount she is spending?

Your wife is the person earning the money. She gets to dictate how much she sends not her mother. 

Everyone's financial situation is different but the common theme in this thread is a resounding "set boundaries with entitled family members".

And setting boundaries does not mean "stop sending money". 

 

It's my wife's money and I understand why she is doing it. I respect her that she wants to take care of her mother and siblings. I do tell her she have limited funds even if she is making better wages than in the Philippines. I help her setup a budget and when she sends more than the budget, I tell her that's less money for her own future. If my MIL lives to her nineties, my wife will be sending money to the Philippines even in her 70's.