Not adjusting to new life in the US

[Bug&Bug 143]

Reading so many people had to step down their careers has been really helpful to me in my job search and my expectations, thanks @l-h

[TBoneTX 43,045]

Sometimes one has to take a step back in order to take two (or more) steps forward.  You'll be just fine.  

[Bug&Bug 143]

14 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Sometimes one has to take a step back in order to take two (or more) steps forward.  You'll be just fine.  

Oh absolutely! But its easier to make the right decision and not let opportunities pass or get burned out when you know is just the norm! 

[Sego 31]

On 5/1/2021 at 6:52 PM, l-h said:

Hi! I just wanted to tell you that everything you're feeling is valid! I first lived in the US for two years for grad school (2014-2016). I think it was really easy to adjust because if was "temporary". Whatever seemed odd or weird, however much I missed my family, I knew that it had an end date. After graduation I moved back to Europe, but I had met my future husband at that point and we did two years of long distance. In 2018 I moved to the US more permanently, we got married and we're building our life here in Boston. At first I really struggled with the career aspect--I had a successful career in Europe where I worked in director-level positions. Here in Boston I had to start at an assistant level pretty much and work myself back up again. It's taken me three years, but I'm currently working at a more similar job to what I had in Europe and that increase in satisfaction with my work has REALLY helped my mental health. So I think once you'll figure out your work authorization, you'll immediately feel a sense of relief.

 

The family and baby aspect is hard too. We don't have a child yet, but we are trying to get pregnant. And I do have some moments where I'm panicking thinking about the fact that my family won't be here 24/7 to help me adjust to motherhood. And it makes me sad to think about the fact that my family won't see my child on weekends, etc. When I start thinking like that I immediately want to move back home. But--I also love my husband and we had made the joint decision to live here. So it's definitely a hard balancing act once the family aspect is added to the equation. So don't be hard on yourself when you're second guessing yourself of feeling down--it's totally natural to go through those emotions!

 

I hope you feel better once things open up a bit more and I hope it helps when we can all travel again. If you ever want to chat about the career aspect or adjusting to life here, you can always message me! Sometimes it's just helpful to chat with someone who has gone through some of the same things

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. 

I am definitely looking forward to be back at work and have a more balanced life! Good luck with your baby projects and do not hesitate if you need support, I've been there  

[remotercharm 31]

Living anywhere you are forced to drive is just depressing and dystopian to me.  My husband doesn't drive and isn't comfortable with it.  I am from Los Angeles and have spent a lot of time in the car.  Never again.  Thankfully I had a job in DC when he moved here and it is more european.  You can walk everywhere and there is a Metro.  The city was designed by Parisian, L'Enfant.  I live in Arlington and it is walkable and very safe.  We don't own a car and I doubt I will move anywhere to put him in a situation where he is forced to drive.   He can also visit his family easily and vice versa due to quick and affordable flights from the east coast to europe.  Perhaps you guys should "meet half way" and move to the east coast.  It will probably be more expensive than Sac but there are affordable options like Philly or Baltimore.

 

Also, perhaps you could ask your husband to move to France, instead.  Europe is a better place to raise a child.  We don't plan on having children but if we did, i'd be tempted to leave the US.

Edited May 14, 2021 by remotercharm

[remotercharm 31]

I also forgot to mention there is the Amtrak train here with more cities to visit.  I can be in NYC in around 3 hours.

[Sego 31]

On 5/14/2021 at 4:28 PM, remotercharm said:

Living anywhere you are forced to drive is just depressing and dystopian to me.  My husband doesn't drive and isn't comfortable with it.  I am from Los Angeles and have spent a lot of time in the car.  Never again.  Thankfully I had a job in DC when he moved here and it is more european.  You can walk everywhere and there is a Metro.  The city was designed by Parisian, L'Enfant.  I live in Arlington and it is walkable and very safe.  We don't own a car and I doubt I will move anywhere to put him in a situation where he is forced to drive.   He can also visit his family easily and vice versa due to quick and affordable flights from the east coast to europe.  Perhaps you guys should "meet half way" and move to the east coast.  It will probably be more expensive than Sac but there are affordable options like Philly or Baltimore.

 

Also, perhaps you could ask your husband to move to France, instead.  Europe is a better place to raise a child.  We don't plan on having children but if we did, i'd be tempted to leave the US.

We were thinking about moving to the east coast to make trip to Europe easier. For now we cannot as my husband is finishing his credential and it is with Sacramento City. But also we are thinking moving back to Europe all together as you said, we do not feel US is the best place to raise our daughter. I am actually the one who wants to stay a little longer in the US as the process to get here was so long and painful i feel it will be a waste to have done all of this to stay just for two years but my husband is more leaning towards taking a chance and making changes if we really feel the US is not a place for us. We will keep thinking and see how things evolve!  

[fornabroad 6]

I'm sure you know all this, but for me, a benefit of staying is to get citizenship, which means we could leave the US but also move back if we wanted. If you leave before that you would have to re-apply for residency, so it would come down to how sure you feel (as a family) about moving [almost certainly] permanently back to Europe.

[remotercharm 31]

3 hours ago, Sego said:

We were thinking about moving to the east coast to make trip to Europe easier. For now we cannot as my husband is finishing his credential and it is with Sacramento City. But also we are thinking moving back to Europe all together as you said, we do not feel US is the best place to raise our daughter. I am actually the one who wants to stay a little longer in the US as the process to get here was so long and painful i feel it will be a waste to have done all of this to stay just for two years but my husband is more leaning towards taking a chance and making changes if we really feel the US is not a place for us. We will keep thinking and see how things evolve!  

Might be a good idea to stay until you get your citizenship in case you want to come back in the future, you wont have to do this again.  Of course that takes a while... That is our plan.  That will give you enough time to know whether you can really live here after the culture shock has subsided and give you some perspective of your husband's American experience.  I lived in Scotland for maybe 9 months and I think it was important for me to have the experience for the relationship.  We may move there in the future and i'll work on getting my UK citizenship.  It makes more sense for us to stay in the US now for economic reasons.

Edited May 17, 2021 by remotercharm

[Sego 31]

3 hours ago, fornabroad said:

I'm sure you know all this, but for me, a benefit of staying is to get citizenship, which means we could leave the US but also move back if we wanted. If you leave before that you would have to re-apply for residency, so it would come down to how sure you feel (as a family) about moving [almost certainly] permanently back to Europe.

Yes we are aware that is why I am more hesitant that my husband but he is much more of a free spirit than me

[Sego 31]

1 hour ago, remotercharm said:

Might be a good idea to stay until you get your citizenship in case you want to come back in the future, you wont have to do this again.  Of course that takes a while... That is our plan.  That will give you enough time to know whether you can really live here after the culture shock has subsided and give you some perspective of your husband's American experience.  I lived in Scotland for maybe 9 months and I think it was important for me to have the experience for the relationship.  We may move there in the future and i'll work on getting my UK citizenship.  It makes more sense for us to stay in the US now for economic reasons.

That was definitely our initial plan but my husband he is not so attached to staying in his own country so it doesn't help to convince me! We will give it some time and see. We can apply for citizenship 3 years after marriage right ? The US made more sense for us too but we're just thinking is it worth it anymore if I am so terrible ? That's not a way to live life, time is too precious (now that we are married he can basically have a visa in most european countries).  

[remotercharm 31]

40 minutes ago, Sego said:

That was definitely our initial plan but my husband he is not so attached to staying in his own country so it doesn't help to convince me! We will give it some time and see. We can apply for citizenship 3 years after marriage right ? The US made more sense for us too but we're just thinking is it worth it anymore if I am so terrible ? That's not a way to live life, time is too precious (now that we are married he can basically have a visa in most european countries).  

 

From what I know you have to hold the green card for 3 years.  Because it takes a while to get the green card it will be longer...  I think for us it can take a year or two to get the interview apparently, so maybe it could take 5 years to get citizenship?

 

My partner came in August and we did an adjustment of status (unplanned) in December (after our k1 interview was cancelled in March) from a tourist visa and he just got his EAD and AP a few days ago.  It was taking forever so he expedited it and it was really easy to do that.  They didn't even ask us for evidence. Why don't you try that?  It will be much clearer to make a decision once your life is more "normal".  He was really depressed and now he's excited, applying for jobs, and planning his visit back to Scotland.  He's not super keen on living in the US either but he's still giving it a shot by leading a normal life.  He's only experienced life here as unemployed during a pandemic with no friends!

 

Well at least you both agree you'd like to live in France! If he's excited about the idea of it and that's where you want to be, it may not be worth staying until you get US citizenship.  But i'd try to give it a shot like you said you are, so you don't regret leaving too early.  

 

Childcare is very expensive in the US so I'm sure that's going to be a factor in where you eventually decide to go if you can get support from family and friends.  It sounds like you are also probably adjusting to motherhood since you had a baby not long ago which is also quite a shock from what i've heard.  I imagine this is a very challenging time for you both.  I can't imagine going through all this on top of that.

Edited May 17, 2021 by remotercharm

[fornabroad 6]

9 minutes ago, remotercharm said:

From what I know you have to hold the green card for 3 years.  Because it takes a while to get the green card it will be longer...  I think for us it can take a year or two to get the interview apparently, so maybe it could take 5 years to get citizenship?

5 years is more accurate - we married in July 2016, and my citizenship interview will be this summer ( 5 years )

[noname_no 38]

Can I just say that I am feeling homesick? I am in a big town (not a city) with no friends. It makes it twice harder all in the midst of a pandemic. The weather is horrible here. To see a certain health specialists, I am at least 2.5 hours to 3 hours drive away. I am in the desert and I can't really go out for a walk whenever I want. Also, lack of job prospects for the kinda of work I used to do (I was in IT support and over here it is all retail floor jobs or agriculture driven). I am missing home badly. I had experience living in other countries prior but those experiences were no where close to this. I can't drive yet, no EAD nor AP,  let alone GC. There are times I just feel like giving up and go back home. I am not readjusting well. Anyone else in similar boat as me? :( 

[Sego 31]

8 hours ago, fornabroad said:

5 years is more accurate - we married in July 2016, and my citizenship interview will be this summer ( 5 years )

Yes that's what I was thinking; the 3 years are from when I can apply after mariage if I understand correctly