Not adjusting to new life in the US

[Sego 31]

Hi everyone,

I didn't know where to share this but I am thinking a community of people that went or are going through the same process than me might be good eyes on my situation. Maybe there is not a concrete answer but I need to talk.

 

So, my fiance and I applied for our K1 in Spring 2019. We got one RFE but ultimately got approved in December. We went through the ups and downs of being away during the process etc etc. We were so close to be over with being long distance as my K1 interview was scheduled for march 19h 2020 and then borders closed few days before my interview... Shortly after this we learned we were pregnant with our first baby. So I lived my pregnancy alone, during covid stay at home orders etc etc. He managed to be with me for the birth and we were in my country until our baby was one month old. Thanks to now being a mother of a US citizen I got my K1 and we all moved to California at the end of November. We jumped quickly into Christmas break and celebration and I was kind of in a bubble but since January I feel miserable.

Not only I am adapting to a new country but also being postpartum and all of this during COVID, with no friends or family around and very few social interactions, it is extremely difficult. I've been an expat before so I knew that it will not be easy right away but it is now almost 5 months and I still feel I am not adapting at all! Our living situation is not ideal and my husband works from home (we are moving soon and I hope it will help). I have a hard time accepting that I need to drive everywhere to do anything. I do not feel safe walking around by myself with our daughter. I grew up in a village and this is where i was for my pregnancy and after birth but I also lived in major cities like Paris and Tokyo and I had no issues back then but something feels so different now for me, I cannot really explain it. So my days are so long and boring, most of my time home watching TV. I feel very lonely and isolated. I had a great career before (I miss it!!) and it has been on pause but all I want is go back to work but of course the work authorization application we sent along with my green card is being delayed because of COVID backlog. I was looking forward to go home this summer to see my family and recharge but even that I am not sure I will be able to if I do not have my AP card. My father didn't even got a chance to meet with his grand daughter because we had to leave so quickly after birth. I just feel the situation will not get any better and I know it is compromising our long term plans we had here in California as I feel I really do not belong here. I just feel it has been such a battle and it will be until I get my citizenship and doing this during Covid times made it so so so much harder. 

 

I am not sure if anyone felt the same way after moving or if you can share how you managed to recreate a social circle and rebuilt a life from scratch after you move on a K1.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

Edited April 17, 2021 by Sego

[Foibh 39]

Check to see if there’s an adult school in your area. They typically have classes to help you start a new career and they’re free. This is what my husband did when he moved her and now he’s starting a new career in IT. 

[Foibh 39]

There’s an alliance française in Sacramento. Someone from there might be able to point you to more people in the French community if that’s what you’re interested in.

 

 

 

[PaulaCJohnny 712]

57 minutes ago, Sego said:

Hi everyone,

I didn't know where to share this but I am thinking a community of people that went or are going through the same process than me might be good eyes on my situation. Maybe there is not a concrete answer but I need to talk.

 

So, my fiance and I applied for our K1 in Spring 2019. We got one RFE but ultimately got approved in December. We went through the ups and downs of being away during the process etc etc. We were so close to be over with being long distance as my K1 interview was scheduled for march 19h 2020 and then borders closed few days before my interview... Shortly after this we learned we were pregnant with our first baby. So I lived my pregnancy alone, during covid stay at home orders etc etc. He managed to be with me for the birth and we were in my country until our baby was one month old. Thanks to now being a mother of a US citizen I got my K1 and we all moved to California at the end of November. We jumped quickly into Christmas break and celebration and I was kind of in a bubble but since January I feel miserable.

Not only I am adapting to a new country but also being postpartum and all of this during COVID, with no friends or family around and very few social interactions, it is extremely difficult. I've been an expat before so I knew that it will not be easy right away but it is now almost 5 months and I still feel I am not adapting at all! Our living situation is not ideal and my husband works from home (we are moving soon and I hope it will help). I have a hard time accepting that I need to drive everywhere to do anything. I do not feel safe walking around by myself with our daughter. I grew up in a village and this is where i was for my pregnancy and after birth but I also lived in major cities like Paris and Tokyo and I had no issues back then but something feels so different now for me, I cannot really explain it. So my days are so long and boring, most of my time home watching TV. I feel very lonely and isolated. I had a great career before (I miss it!!) and it has been on pause but all I want is go back to work but of course the work authorization application we sent along with my green card is being delayed because of COVID backlog. I was looking forward to go home this summer to see my family and recharge but even that I am not sure I will be able to if I do not have my AP card. My father didn't even got a chance to meet with his grand daughter because we had to leave so quickly after birth. I just feel the situation will not get any better and I know it is compromising our long term plans we had here in California as I feel I really do not belong here. I just feel it has been such a battle and it will be until I get my citizenship and doing this during Covid times made it so so so much harder. 

 

I am not sure if anyone felt the same way after moving or if you can share how you managed to recreate a social circle and rebuilt a life from scratch after you move on a K1.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

I got you 100%.

I came from the same (not the kids), lived in big cities before, amazing career!! I don't drive because of my panic attack,  my husband family is a nightmare (we moved far from them and cut any contact.

The life here is really "different ". You will understand me!

Try to put more energy looking for something that can bring you some happiness (more that you lovely daughter and your husband). Something just for you. Maybe therapy can help to. Is helping me a lot.

If you need talk just send me a message and I will be more than happy to share and learn from you!!

Be strong!! You will definitely find a way out this difficult time!!

Be safe.

 

[Zoeeeeeee 795]

2 hours ago, Sego said:

Hi everyone,

I didn't know where to share this but I am thinking a community of people that went or are going through the same process than me might be good eyes on my situation. Maybe there is not a concrete answer but I need to talk.

 

So, my fiance and I applied for our K1 in Spring 2019. We got one RFE but ultimately got approved in December. We went through the ups and downs of being away during the process etc etc. We were so close to be over with being long distance as my K1 interview was scheduled for march 19h 2020 and then borders closed few days before my interview... Shortly after this we learned we were pregnant with our first baby. So I lived my pregnancy alone, during covid stay at home orders etc etc. He managed to be with me for the birth and we were in my country until our baby was one month old. Thanks to now being a mother of a US citizen I got my K1 and we all moved to California at the end of November. We jumped quickly into Christmas break and celebration and I was kind of in a bubble but since January I feel miserable.

Not only I am adapting to a new country but also being postpartum and all of this during COVID, with no friends or family around and very few social interactions, it is extremely difficult. I've been an expat before so I knew that it will not be easy right away but it is now almost 5 months and I still feel I am not adapting at all! Our living situation is not ideal and my husband works from home (we are moving soon and I hope it will help). I have a hard time accepting that I need to drive everywhere to do anything. I do not feel safe walking around by myself with our daughter. I grew up in a village and this is where i was for my pregnancy and after birth but I also lived in major cities like Paris and Tokyo and I had no issues back then but something feels so different now for me, I cannot really explain it. So my days are so long and boring, most of my time home watching TV. I feel very lonely and isolated. I had a great career before (I miss it!!) and it has been on pause but all I want is go back to work but of course the work authorization application we sent along with my green card is being delayed because of COVID backlog. I was looking forward to go home this summer to see my family and recharge but even that I am not sure I will be able to if I do not have my AP card. My father didn't even got a chance to meet with his grand daughter because we had to leave so quickly after birth. I just feel the situation will not get any better and I know it is compromising our long term plans we had here in California as I feel I really do not belong here. I just feel it has been such a battle and it will be until I get my citizenship and doing this during Covid times made it so so so much harder. 

 

I am not sure if anyone felt the same way after moving or if you can share how you managed to recreate a social circle and rebuilt a life from scratch after you move on a K1.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

Oh my godddd, yes, all of this.

 

I moved here in November 2019 (also on a K1) - but because of covid, I've not worked and I've not really had time to make close friends. I had a good career in the UK and now feel anxious that I'll never get back into that industry here. My husband also works from home now and I realised that apart from speaking with my mum and sister each weekend, my husband is nearly the only person I've spoken to in months. 

 

I don't have any recommendations for you I'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know that I get it. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by Zoeeeeeee

[Sego 31]

15 hours ago, Foibh said:

Check to see if there’s an adult school in your area. They typically have classes to help you start a new career and they’re free. This is what my husband did when he moved her and now he’s starting a new career in IT. 

Thanks for the idea but I do already have a career path, just I cannot work as I do not have my work authorization yet. And yes I am in touch with the French Alliance but with covid everything is online and mostly focusing on people learning french. Looking forward to re-opening so I can attend social events!

[Sego 31]

15 hours ago, Paula&Johnny said:

I got you 100%.

I came from the same (not the kids), lived in big cities before, amazing career!! I don't drive because of my panic attack,  my husband family is a nightmare (we moved far from them and cut any contact.

The life here is really "different ". You will understand me!

Try to put more energy looking for something that can bring you some happiness (more that you lovely daughter and your husband). Something just for you. Maybe therapy can help to. Is helping me a lot.

If you need talk just send me a message and I will be more than happy to share and learn from you!!

Be strong!! You will definitely find a way out this difficult time!!

Be safe.

 

Thanks for the advice, I am definitely trying to do things for myself. I used to workout a lot and go for runs and I am slowly getting back into this. Feels good!  Thanks for your nice words and your support, much appreciated!

[Sego 31]

13 hours ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

Oh my godddd, yes, all of this.

 

I moved here in November 2019 (also on a K1) - but because of covid, I've not worked and I've not really had time to make close friends. I had a good career in the UK and now feel anxious that I'll never get back into that industry here. My husband also works from home now and I realised that apart from speaking with my mum and sister each weekend, my husband is nearly the only person I've spoken to in months. 

 

I don't have any recommendations for you I'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know that I get it. 

Same here, just talking to my husband on a daily basis. And the lest I interact with others the less I want to. Thanks for sharing your perspective, it is nice just to be able to talk about it with people that understand where I am coming from. 

[Zoeeeeeee 795]

15 minutes ago, Sego said:

 And the lest I interact with others the less I want to.

Also yes - and that's totally the covid/lockdown effect. I know I'll have to gradually wean myself back into socializing...but whilst I don't feel like it at the moment, I know I'll enjoy it when I do it. I have a couple of friends who we've gone to visit in their gardens, to have distanced catch ups and eat take out - and every time it's felt like such a huge effort, having to drive down there (we're so used to not driving anywhere), having to put some makeup on, having to swap my yoga pants for jeans, etc...but once I've done it, I've spent hours just talking and laughing and I've loved it. 

 

Another LA issue - everything is so spaced out, so it's hard work to make and maintain friends as driving anywhere takes forever 🙈. 

 

I definitely recommend checking out local running/workout groups in your community - there's a good chance there'll be some free ones (I saw you mentioned working out in a previous comment) and this is a great way to meet people, post covid (or post-vaccine). This is how I met a bunch of people and how I built the friendships I have (though none of them are super close yet, but I'll hopefully work on that).

[JFH 12,189]

My situation was different but similar. There was no COVID when I arrived, I haven’t had to adjust to motherhood and I was able to work from the very beginning. But I went through similar emotions of feeling “lost” and that I would never settle here. It was almost like a grief for my old life. And I’d visited over 40 times before I moved! Case in point that no amount of visits can prepare you for living here. 
 

Anyway, here’s what I did. It may or may not work for you. Stop comparing things to back home. Accept that things are different here and the life you had in Europe has gone for good. Mourn the loss of it, for sure. But convince yourself to start to see things as “different”, not “wrong”. I’m in a group on Facebook for British ex pats and I see posts from people who’ve been here a decade of more still lamenting that they can’t find custard powder or fairy liquid here. Some of them even resort to importing things at huge expense from Europe. Don’t. Just find a new way to make custard or wash your dishes. Find a new way of doing things. I can’t stand the bread here. I grew up in a bakery that my family had owned for generations. Until I went to university I’d never eaten bread that wasn’t made in our own kitchen. The stuff they sell here and call bread, it’s an abomination. Yes, I know they sell so-called artisan stuff here. Still not good enough for me. Much too sweet. So I make my own now. And I actually enjoy it rather than seeing it as the twice-weekly chore that it was throughout my childhood. And much better than ordering from British food suppliers online. It’s my connection to my past and brings fond memories. Allow yourself the memories but don’t be angry that those days are gone. 
 

I’m finding that I’m less and less saying “we don’t do it like that at home” and more and more “that’s different. But it obviously works here”. Some things don’t change, and that’s OK. You will still be you. And your homeland will still be your homeland. But start to see it as a favorite vacation destination now, and look forward to going back again, rather than seeing it as a the home you been pulled away from. Carve out a new you. Keep some bits of the old you but accept that some bits are gone for good. When my mum comes to visit all I hear is “well we don’t do/say/have that in the UK”. My response? Well, this isn’t the UK. Things are not “wrong”, just “different”.
 

Last month I became a US citizen. People I work with were thrilled and sent messages of congratulations like I’d run a marathon. To me it was just paperwork. I’m still me. Someone said “how does it feel that you’re now an American?” And I really don’t know. I’m still me. Still can’t understand the rules of baseball. Still need to use a knife and fork to eat and will never be able to cut food with the side of a fork. Still expect “chicken salad” to be a garden salad with slices of grilled chicken rather than chopped chicken in mayonnaise. Still say “Aubergine” and not “eggplant”. But that’s ok. Not everything has to change. But not everything will stay the same either. 

It’s an adventure to be enjoyed. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by JFH

[E&W 146]

I have the exact same timeline as you, except no child. And very very similar feelings. Immigrating to a new country is hard enough, Covid on top of all that is another level. Everyone keeps asking me how I like it living here and if there are big differences, expecting some deep insight. I just stare at them baffled, we barely go anywhere since it's a damn pandemic.
I'm lucky my mother in law is a huge crafter and a wonderful person, so she's helping me pick up a few new hobbies. I have plans for my career, part of which I need to research how to do here, so that's taking up a lot of my time. And those things help. Cleaning helps, organizing  the house helps. Figuring out how to cook foods I know and love with ingredients I get here. Living with a pet, after years of not having one. Getting plants to start a garden, to have something to care for and something to force me to get out of the house.  In short, building a life, or at least building a foundation for a life.

I still have bad days where I am wondering if I should just pack my bags and go home. But then I think of all my plans and everything I get to do and make here, and I start feeling better. Looking forward, not back. Remembering there were things I was unhappy about in my country too, that it wasn't perfect either.  Getting Vitamin D to help with the depressive feelings. Exercise. And sometimes just accept that you are having a bad day and that's just how it is today. And that's ok.
 

[JeanneAdil 6,191]

Daddy was Air Force so we moved a lot

then i married into IBM and we were sent to Belgium for 2 years/ not knowing the language was a huge issue for me so i took to studying French but Belgium is divided into 4 areas with French belgic, French German,  and the other 2 

2 years later back to USA and then 2 years after to Japan where i could not work so i went skiing and to the auto and motorcycle races.  but living there in an apartment the size of my bedroom and needing to go out every day to buy food for dinner was an adjustment

funny but the foreign countries were not that bad   /  not as bad as coming back to NJ and then to California

i find California has a lot to offer if you like the beaches or mountains but people there keep to themselves and making friends is hard

and i ,  a USC ,  did not feel comfortable in California

[G&M’s 4]

Thank you for sharing your experience. For those of you that joined your spouse in the US, any advice for the partner of ways to make them feel more acclimated to the transition? I think about this and want to be supportive and sensitive to the mental and emotional adjustment. 

[Highmystic 234]

19 hours ago, Sego said:

Hi everyone,

 

 

 

I am not sure if anyone felt the same way after moving or if you can share how you managed to recreate a social circle and rebuilt a life from scratch after you move on a K1.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

Most, if not all,  have a hard time adjusting to things.  My wife was a K1, and the wait (both for the visa and again for her work card) were long and trying.  But we managed and just passed our 3rd anniversary!   If you want, check out meetup.com , your area should have dozens of interesting activities, gatherings, etc that you would be interested in.  My wife made a LOT of jewelry!  Now she is on to the plants and our house is full of them!  Happy wife, happy life..   As long as you both love each other you can get through anything.  This only makes you stronger!

[Siggy 42]

Every situation has pros and cons, we all wished to be with our love of life and here we are. When we in the process only thing we wanted was to be with each other and here we are. Just enjoy your free time , learn new language new hobbies. You will see the changes. Change is only constant..😀