Best marriage ever...

[Barbsco630 1]

My ex, I believe, is a covert narcissist. Me, a codependent. Very bad mix of people. Fireworks at first, wow did I think I was in love. I think emotional abuse can be just as extreme as physical abuse. He set the seed for my own self destruction, basically watched me fall apart while he was Mr. Cool guy with no issues. These long distance relationships have the potential to really blossom and be amazing, but they can also be very dark with someone who shows strong personality disorder tendencies. 

 

The night he left I for once didn't go chasing after him, begging to forgive me for doing nothing wrong. Which he hated and then decided to go back home and throw me away like I don't mean anything to him. He went back and we didn't speak for a week or so. Then we talked and of course it was all my fault. His drinking problem, my fault. His mom kicking him out, not having any money, my fault. His personality did some 180s once he got back, being very vulgar and even putting my mom down. Then he also messaged me a week after that, he had gone to the Philippines with his friend on a vacation. Found a new woman and even sent me pictures of her. What is he 18? No he's 39. He also told me he's going on dating sites and sleeping with woman. Mature. It helps me actually remove all my feelings and not hurt, this is not a person that loves me and I deserve better. 

 

So I have no real idea who this guy is. At all. We would always joke about 90 day fiance and how sorry the relationships were. We would have been stars. 

 

So I'm leaving next month for my new job. Amazing state. I talked to a lawyer and it's going to be 2500 down for the divorce. I know it's not a ton of money, but when you're moving and wanting to buy a home, money is tight. Do I choose to divorce immediately or a better opportunity? I feel like this relationship has already taken enough of me. 3 years of my life I spent trying to fix things and bring us together. Only to be emotionally broken down. He will not corporate at all. He says he will send documents, but then he said he dosnt have the money for postage (victim here, guess he shouldnt have spent all his money on alcohol, clothes, McDonald's and a vacation to find a replacement). Then I've also got the moving issue. Do I fly back for the divorce? Do I just wait and try to do it in my new state later? Is it even possible once I move? If I post it in the paper it takes a month! 

 

I'm actually worried he might try to go after me for something. He has lied to me so many times. His personality changes hourly. I can't trust a word the man says. He tells me I'm abusive. I don't want to go into too much detail but I think I was heavily brainwashed in a very covert way. It's like hes controlling, but not your typical control freak. He would never say, "don't do that", or "you can't go there". It's a completely different technique that makes you question your own sanity and self worth. Flips everything so he's the victim. Me being the codependent, I always fell for it, it was like falling down a never ending hole. He would have allowed me to keep falling too had I stopped feeling sorry for him. He left the country though, I should be in the clear right? Plus he's supposedly broke. Or course when I talk to a lawyer they tell me to do it NOW. Is it really necessary if he's left the country? 

 

 I just don't want things to bite me in the ### later. Also, when he was here he got in a huge fight at the bar. It was one of the many nights he decided to leave his family, told me to off, and went out drinking (with all his bags). Ended up going to the hospital and getting stitches. He owes about 3500 in medical expenses. To be honest this is annoying. I work in healthy care. Insurance is so expensive and it's partly because of this. He'll never pay it. But could I report it to the uscis? I'm not about screwing him over. Or maybe I am. I do feel I was used for a good, fun time.. Not an actual marriage. Which is what he made me believe he wanted. But it's some loser from another country using our system, being a child, and not taking responsibility for his actions. Now I realize why the process is so hard. But it still dosnt keep mentally unwell people out. 

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't want to underestimate how manipulative and deceitful this man truly is. I sometimes still see the cognitive dissonance, he's a horrible guy or, he's not that bad and will change. Should I hold off on the divorce? can I wait until I move states? is it really going to make a difference if I wait another 6 months to file divorce? But then it leaves time and space for him to creep back in, he's already tried. This is my first marriage. The state is beautiful, lower taxes, lots to do outdoors, the work is better and lots of benefits pay wise. Plus I have grown to kind of hate my town. It's a small town and the guy made "friends" with everyone (friends that he would speak badly about all the time). So of course he smeared me to others. In my own town. He's charming and everyone loved his accent. But I think it'll be a great opportunity and a way for me to even move on from this mess. Thanks for reading and if I'm being a baby or horrible let me know. 

[Going through 5,671]

I'm assuming you're the USC?

What is your husband's legal status now?

[Going through 5,671]

*ex* husband, I mean

[Barbsco630 1]

32 minutes ago, Going through said:

*ex* husband, I mean

Legal status.. I have no idea? He's not in America and left before filing AOS. So he has no legal status. I am the US citizen. It's been 2 months sense he left and I just havnt done much of anything with immigration. Havnt filed divorce. Talked to a lawyer 

[Boiler 45,656]

Asked and answered in your previous thread.

[Barbsco630 1]

21 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Asked and answered in your previous thread.

Well gave up trying to do it by myself. Too complicated 😑

[Boiler 45,656]

Hopefully one of our friendly mods will sort things out.

[Lemonslice 4,885]

1 hour ago, Barbsco630 said:

Thanks for reading and if I'm being a baby or horrible let me know. 

You are a grown up. File for divorce and move on.  If you are mentally unwell, then I also suggest you reach out to your support system or some counselor.

[Villanelle 4,122]

The term is called gaslighting. Seek out some therapy, its clear you have a lot to say.

 

As for the divorce- you can file it with out an attny. If you are not comfortable doing it with out one contact your local legal aid. They have specific residency rules so contact where you live now and where you plan to move about it.

 

Getting a divorce is important. Right now you are legally tied to him. It impacts medical decisions and your estate in general. But if you have to wait, wait. He is not in the US so it makes the divorce a bit more complicated. 

[Barbsco630 1]

9 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

You are a grown up. File for divorce and move on.  If you are mentally unwell, then I also suggest you reach out to your support system or some counselor.

Thanks for thee help

[Barbsco630 1]

4 minutes ago, Damara said:

The term is called gaslighting. Seek out some therapy, its clear you have a lot to say.

 

As for the divorce- you can file it with out an attny. If you are not comfortable doing it with out one contact your local legal aid. They have specific residency rules so contact where you live now and where you plan to move about it.

 

Getting a divorce is important. Right now you are legally tied to him. It impacts medical decisions and your estate in general. But if you have to wait, wait. He is not in the US so it makes the divorce a bit more complicated. 

Therapy check. But clearly there is a lot of people that probably arnt the most mentally well doing this process. Sure there are a lot of success stories. But I've read some pretty horrific things as well. Hopefully someone dosnt find themselves in a similar situation. Long distance does distort things pretty heavily. 

[Villanelle 4,122]

very true. But look up gaslighting. Its not YOU its HIM. It can make you think youre crazy- and you are not.

[Ontarkie 14,270]

~~Please refrain from making more then one thread for related topics. I'm not going to merge this one with your older thread as it's is long. Much of your questions are indeed answered in it. So please go back to it as it can help you.  I am linking that thread for yourself and other members to allow you and them to see what has already been said.~~

 

For reference: 

 

[Jaybird225 3]

27 minutes ago, Damara said:

very true. But look up gaslighting. Its not YOU its HIM. It can make you think youre crazy- and you are not.

Yeah I know alllll about it. And yeah it sucks. Someone actually made me slightly aware of it a year ago. I brought it up to him and guess what he did. More gaslighting to me questioning if he was gaslighting. So I dismissed it at the time until recently. Sick manipulation 

[javadown2 308]

Get the divorce and move on, you might be on the hook already for his medical bills now..but I could be wrong. Sounds like you want more self-assurance from others then a real answer (which is divorce and move on). It sucks that it didn't work out for you but really there is no need to try and drag this out any longer then you need to, google how to do a divorce (you can buy the divorce packets at a book store) and get it filed. End of story. Take a dating break and spend more time with the next guy before you decide to get married, and maybe get some self help while your at it. (this is good for all of us!). Take care