Constant whining about living far effecting my nerves.

[deleted this acco 44]

I think this process is designed to see who can make it. You get to see your spouse in a different way you have never seen before. Red flags may start popping up here and there. Who knows, I survived it my spouse and I are still going five years later. We laugh about those hard times then while we face what is in front of us now. We can look back and say hey we made it through that time maybe we can try again. Try to compromise.

[raven52 233]

it would help to know where you are from. And your wife is from.

I take an opposite view than some of our members.

I think this is a very unreasonable woman, and just wants to "pick on you" regardless of the situation. It is just my opinion.

I personally, would not want to live with someone like this, I did once when married, and swore I would be single the rest of my life. My ex wife was like this. Or worse.

Then I accidentally met my, now, wife from the Philippines. We are very happy, because of the mutual respect and love we have for each other.

OP, I would be careful with this one. Could you live every day of your life with this kind of treatment, would this be any way to live?

I am just thinking of your well-being, as she is the un-happy one. Ask yourself, could you ever make her happy?

[JoBri 545]

You know, I am the one who was born in the USA. But I have lived in other countries on numerous occasions. Thank goodness it was when I was in the military, because I always had a little bit of home with me. I could speak easily with my fellow American soldiers, and always had American food to eat in the mess hall. I always had a little bit of America with me in those countries. And yet it was still a bit frightening, although an adventure too, when I had to pick up and leave all that was home to me behind to go to those places far away.

Your wife is leaving everything behind to be with you. She doesn't have any kind of support system here. No family. Nothing familiar. Nothing. Dont you think it might be just a little bit scary for her? I am sure it is very frightening. You need to listen to her, from the heart, and try to be a little bit understanding. It is hard for her! She needs you to identify with her feelings, and validate her feelings. She needs to know she is going to have unconditional love no matter what. She needs to feel the freedom to talk about what is going on inside of her, and to know that you are patient and love her unconditionally no matter what. Put yourself in her shoes. She will be a woman on the other side of the world, far away from all that is familiar or safe to her. At least I think so, because I don't know what country she is from. But even if she were from Canada, she still would be far away from all that she trusted as her support system and safety net.

Edited June 21, 2015 by JoBri

[marriedguy 34]

You talk about support system and safety net, she wants to be away from every one even her own family, she told, she does not want to see her family, just be far. She says she wants me all to herself. I have a family here in the US, she wants me to leave everyone and live with her in a isolated place, just me and her. What she does not understand is, for all this to happen one needs money and a plan.

You know, I am the one who was born in the USA. But I have lived in other countries on numerous occasions. Thank goodness it was when I was in the military, because I always had a little bit of home with me. I could speak easily with my fellow American soldiers, and always had American food to eat in the mess hall. I always had a little bit of America with me in those countries. And yet it was still a bit frightening, although an adventure too, when I had to pick up and leave all that was home to me behind to go to those places far away.

Your wife is leaving everything behind to be with you. She doesn't have any kind of support system here. No family. Nothing familiar. Nothing. Dont you think it might be just a little bit scary for her? I am sure it is very frightening. You need to listen to her, from the heart, and try to be a little bit understanding. It is hard for her! She needs you to identify with her feelings, and validate her feelings. She needs to know she is going to have unconditional love no matter what. She needs to feel the freedom to talk about what is going on inside of her, and to know that you are patient and love her unconditionally no matter what. Put yourself in her shoes. She will be a woman on the other side of the world, far away from all that is familiar or safe to her. At least I think so, because I don't know what country she is from. But even if she were from Canada, she still would be far away from all that she trusted as her support system and safety net.

[Jawaree 717]

Dude there are other issues here, she should not be able to rile you up this way by the sound of your convo,

communications in a better way is needed I guess on both ends...judging from your statements seem you are

both from a part of the world that communicates a bit harshly, and you are feeling like you are being nagged,

however love should be high on your list here, does she have family close by that can talk to her about her

constant complaints?...maybe you should mail her a letter explaining your love 4 her the sacrifice you are making.

uscis process is long, and things you will do when you get together...You say she hates ppl & wants to cut

them up are you serious on this because this paint a bad picture....it says there are serious underlying probs

[marriedguy 34]

I am going to speak to her sister, but it will be of no use I think, she knows how to defend herself and paint me as the bad guy.

part of the problem is she is home always nothing to keep her busy, she wants me constantly on facebook, from morning i sit with her on facebook, i get a sigh of relief only when she goes to sleep. I tell her go and learn English, she does not want to do that as she does not want to see people.

even at work i should be with her on facebook, and i dont respond for 15 mins, she thinks i am ignoring her or says I do not love her, seriously at work ? o.OO

I just cant wait for the visa process to be done, so i dont have to be on facebook 24/7 and hear her nagging.

When i was leaving back to US, I bought her a puppy, I hate dogs, but after she nagged i bought it for her, so she can keep herself busy with something while i am away.

I had to get a job, so i can file for AOS.

Dude there are other issues here, she should not be able to rile you up this way by the sound of your convo,

communications in a better way is needed I guess on both ends...judging from your statements seem you are

both from a part of the world that communicates a bit harshly, and you are feeling like you are being nagged,

however love should be high on your list here, does she have family close by that can talk to her about her

constant complaints?...maybe you should mail her a letter explaining your love 4 her the sacrifice you are making.

uscis process is long, and things you will do when you get together...You say she hates ppl & wants to cut

them up are you serious on this because this paint a bad picture....it says there are serious underlying probs

Edited June 21, 2015 by marriedguy

[marriedguy 34]

she is unreasonable, she thinks she is right.

it would help to know where you are from. And your wife is from.

I take an opposite view than some of our members.

I think this is a very unreasonable woman, and just wants to "pick on you" regardless of the situation. It is just my opinion.

I personally, would not want to live with someone like this, I did once when married, and swore I would be single the rest of my life. My ex wife was like this. Or worse.

Then I accidentally met my, now, wife from the Philippines. We are very happy, because of the mutual respect and love we have for each other.

OP, I would be careful with this one. Could you live every day of your life with this kind of treatment, would this be any way to live?

I am just thinking of your well-being, as she is the un-happy one. Ask yourself, could you ever make her happy?

[Lauren and Kevin 55]

I'm sure there are a lot of other people on here, having left a relationship similar to yours behind, who are reading your words, and looking at the new person next to them and thanking their lucky stars they got away from the nightmare they married, and remembering how much they wished they had the courage at the time to stop it all, and that they would have had a longer life with their new love.

I guess it comes for me down to a few questions.

Do you trust her.

Does she have your back when things are tough for you both.

Are you really on your own even though you are married?

[Unidentified 2,930]

First of all I want to point out that you didn't handle that fight very well though I do understand that you were very frustrated.

Second: she seems very controlling and she sounds like she has issues. It's not healthy behavior to want to cut everyone of, including her and your family to go live out in the middle of nowhere. Why does she not want to be around other people? Why does she not want you to have contact with your own family? What would happen if you started to set boundaries and said: when I am working, I am working and I can't be on facebook. What happens more than that she has a tantrum? You don't have to answer this publicly but think about this for a moment. I think she needs to talk to someone about this. Her behavior are warning signs for quite a few things.

[TBoneTX 43,059]

1. she knows how to defend herself and paint me as the bad guy.

2. i get a sigh of relief only when she goes to sleep.

3. learn English, she does not want to do that as she does not want to see people.

4. even at work i should be with her on facebook

5. I just cant wait for the visa process to be done, so i dont have to be on facebook 24/7 and hear her nagging.

6. after she nagged i bought it for her

All the sweet, emotionally available, well-adjusted, marriageable women in the world who are capable of forming a mature lifelong partnership, and you're sticking with THIS one?

Read your words, aloud, and ruminate on what they signify in terms of this non-relationship.

[mallafri76 1,012]

She has to understand in order to have a future, one needs job and money, she does not work, she stays in her mom's house so everything is free.

That right there is probably one of her problems, although not to be mean, but she does seem to have a lot of problems. But definitely, sitting at home, not working and doing nothing is not good. She has nothing else to do than think, worry and apparently drive you crazy...

I didn't read the whole thread because it's already three pages, so someone might have said this already but... I assume you guys have made plans for the future, how life will be after she moves over?! Where will you live, what will she work with or maybe study, how will she find friends etc... Get her to focus on that. If you're only a couple of months away from her moving over, she should be focusing on that next step, like preparing a CV, looking up classes she might be interested in, are there any groups in your area for foreigners or people from her country.... I've lived in quite a few countries around the world and believe me, your wife can't just move over to you and think everything will be ok now that you're together, that she doesn't have to work to fit in and make friends and stuff...

Yeah, living apart like this is definitely tough, that's why she should try and focus on other things, especially on your future, which you say is only a couple of months away now.

[JedJem2015 0]

I have been there, and still there. It isn't easy. I had wept this morning,but of course, my husband still asleep in the USA. I have tried moving away from people from the place I have lived all my life, still no desired effect. The best option is to be with your spouse at this trying times. But USCIS won't help matters. Please, don't get tired of reasoning with her, be patient. Let her know that her case is even faster than others. We haven't heard any update about our own case.

Please, the whole process can be frustrating, but both parties don't need to vent their anger at the same time. Every hurdle would be over soon

[hyommysone 16]

I think your wife must have a severe social anxiety. My husband has it but he's working hard to fight it. He don't have a consistent job as he has depression and anxiety but he's been self-employed. He goes to church every Sunday and that helps with his social anxiety. He's doing his best to fight it and so far so good. He has taken medications before which helped him for awhile but then it stopped working for him. He's now on natural medications like supplements and vitamins. And that helped him a lot. I think being isolated from everyone helps your wife develop severe anxiety. And you have to be there for her to battle it. She will drag you on her own world but don't let it. You have to help her. She needs to go out and meet more people. Or go out with friends. The more time she's alone. The more she will love it and will see that she don't need anyone outside of her own world. That's just what I see on the behavior of your wife since my hubby is like that too although he's getting a lot better now.

Goodluck on your marriage and immigration journey!

[naire37 53]

OP, the "blame" can certainly go both ways. You have spoken to her like an infantile disobedient child, whose whining has riled you up, so you blast and yell. It does not look good and it surely hurts her. You were rude and thereby probably wrong.

However, having said that - there are a couple of things I want to ask.

1) You probably know she can be childish by now. You say she doesn't work, she wants you to be online the whole day, etc. Does she have any plans to work? Or are you just going to provide and she will continue to do absolutely nothing for the whole day? Having no other things in live then you sounds a bit unhealthy, especially once she's in another country.

2) What does she think about kids, does she want any? Or would she be jealous of time, money and energy that you'd put into kids instead of her?

3) Is being apart the *only* thing she ever complains about? Or is it more like small things can get her really sad and then the whining continues, like "oh the connection is poor today and you can't see me well, that's so sad"?

Just going by those three, you should be able to figure out the most important question: how much of your attention do you think she will need once she's here, and will she be easily made unhappy here (given that there will be a lot more to whine about: missing family, lack of comfort food, you staying at work late)? Will the whining continue once she's here? After you honestly answer that for yourself, think if you can live with it. Maybe she's very good at other things, caring, kind, devoted, so it balances out and you still want to go through with it. Just don't automatically expect that it will ever get better once you're together.

People who whine like there is no tomorrow usually don't stop, they just find other reasons to continue this behavior, because this is how they learned to get attention, emotional support, and everything. It is possible, but very hard to switch a behavioral pattern. So think, if you have to live with this for the rest of your live, would it balance out?

[Boiler 43,445]

If memory serves me right, Chinese.