confused

[Dusty345 3]

My wife is mad at me cos I cooked Nigerian food and she says it smells disgusting and she is also mad at me when my family call from Nigeria and we speak igbo(my native language) . Does anyone have such experience?

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from K-1 Progress to Moving Here and Your New Life in America Forum~

~Inquiry applicable to many visa processes, not K-1 forum related~

[belinda63 2,981]

My spouse always cooks fish and I hate it. He is on the computer and phone (sometimes at the same time) talking Farsi to his family. Just part of the package when you marry someone from another area. Sometimes I get irritated but that's life.

[Caryh 5,206]

My wife knows not to cook the stinky food in the house. Its kind of a matter of respecting who you live with. She may be able to handle those smells inside the house, but she knows I couldn't handle it, even if I enjoy the taste. Heck I even cook some of those foul smelling things, but always outside so the entire house doesn't reek with the smell for days.

As to her speaking her native tongue with family, she's totally welcome to. I just joke with her that if makes me brains leak out my nose if I'm exposed to it for too many hours. Although I know some people feel you should speak in a language all understand when together, technically she's not part of the conversation when you're talking on the phone to family, and she should accept you wanting to speak your native language when on the phone with them. But if her name is coming up frequently, you might want to switch to English for a bit, so she knows negative things are not being said, or she's not being talked about behind her back.

[Dusty345 3]

I never talked bad things about her with my family..i just talk about life in general with my family just yo keep in touch...I have been here in America for 5 months and I have only cooked Nigerian food once and she is mad..

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Did you ask her why she is mad about the food or the conversations?

[OLee 64]

My soon to be husband is very tolerant in this regard. He loves my food, but he is just very easy to please, I guess, so he always says it's delicious. We have been together for 2,5 years so I can predict he won't have problems with me talking in my native language as well. Out of respect we always speak English in his presence, but he reassures it is ok with him if I speak in my native language, as he says he has no problems with it. Actually he is even trying to pick up some words. I think he understands the issue very well as his relatives from his Mother's side are Germans, so they speak German while we visiting them in Germany. Then I try to pick up some words. No problem so far.

[Caryh 5,206]

I never talked bad things about her with my family..i just talk about life in general with my family just yo keep in touch...I have been here in America for 5 months and I have only cooked Nigerian food once and she is mad..

Some people are insecure, which might explain why she's worried about conversations in your native language. She should be learning to accept and trust in you about that though. I was just saying if her name is popping up, possibly you could switch to English just to reassure her. Hopefully she'll get over that insecurity though.

I have no idea what your Nigerian food smells like, possibly it is very hard on the American sense of smell. And women generally have much stronger sense of smell than men. But I do know my wife's culture have some foods that smell horrible. I've developed a taste for these foods too. And while that smell might make me think how good its going to taste, I also know it smells terrible and that smell would last for days in the house. There are some American foods that have the same affect on her, and I make sure she's not subjected to them. We cook those types of things outside, and hope the neighbors are not outside when the wind is blowing their direction. Nothing you can do about the past, but you can change where you cook this type of thing in the future. If she's still mad about the food, she might still be smelling it everywhere in the house, including her clothes. You might feel the same if she brought in an odor you couldn't stand and got stuck having to smell it for days. But with enough time, she might discover that smelly Nigerian dish tastes good and her attitude about the smell may change. Much as mine has to some of the foods from my wife's culture. Although I doubt I ever want to trapped in the house with the smell for days because we cooked it inside.

[Dusty345 3]

We dated for 2 years before we got married..when she visited me in Nigeria she ate Nigerian food and she liked it..I live in Nebraska and it's very cold outside that's why I can't cook outside cos of the weather..I feel she is insecured and it really bothers me..about the language..she said her mum doest like when I talk to my parents with my native language cos they feel we talk about them..which doesn't make any sense to me. I don't have any friends here in Nebraska and I speak English all the time except wen my family calls from Nigeria. And I also explain to her what I discuss with my family each time they call

[Caryh 5,206]

We dated for 2 years before we got married..when she visited me in Nigeria she ate Nigerian food and she liked it..I live in Nebraska and it's very cold outside that's why I can't cook outside cos of the weather..I feel she is insecured and it really bothers me..about the language..she said her mum doest like when I talk to my parents with my native language cos they feel we talk about them..which doesn't make any sense to me. I don't have any friends here in Nebraska and I speak English all the time except wen my family calls from Nigeria. And I also explain to her what I discuss with my family each time they call

You're telling me about cold? We live in Minnesota, when we go down to Nebraska in the winter, we switch to our summer clothes

We do actually cook outside all winter long. But this winter was a little colder than normal, so there was less cooking outside. I understand the desire to have comfort foods from home. But think twice about which ones can be cooked safely inside without driving the natives crazy You may even want to see about setting up some form of shelter, like an ice fishing tent if you really need to cook in the winter time. We can't do that ourselves, as we live in a townhome and its against the rules, but if we had a single family home, I know I would have set something up. It may have been it was your wife's mother that the smell drove crazy, and it would have been at least tolerable for your wife. But she jumped on your wife about it, which then went on to you. We've a saying in the USA, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. If you pissed off mama, there's going to be tension until she gets over it.

Oh her mother doesn't like you speaking in your native tongue? Does your family speak English? If possible, I'd try to work on your wife's mother then. Get her more comfortable with your family there. If possible, maybe an elder lady that can speak English there, can speak with her to. Just to give her comfort that people are people regardless of where they come from and the language they learned from birth.

[justojai 53]

We dated for 2 years before we got married..when she visited me in Nigeria she ate Nigerian food and she liked it..I live in Nebraska and it's very cold outside that's why I can't cook outside cos of the weather..I feel she is insecured and it really bothers me..about the language..she said her mum doest like when I talk to my parents with my native language cos they feel we talk about them..which doesn't make any sense to me. I don't have any friends here in Nebraska and I speak English all the time except wen my family calls from Nigeria. And I also explain to her what I discuss with my family each time they call

What exactly did you cook? Hope you didn't dare "ogiri" lol

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

First tell your mother in law and wife that the next time you call your family you will gladly speak English if they will translate it to Igbo for your family. If your provide them with the synopsis afterward then you should be covered. I also think that in a confined space native dishes smell terrible. So what happens is he tried to do the main cooking when I am off doing something without him ( search for a bargain at the sewing store or such ) and then he opens the windows when he is done.

As to making friends there are many Igbo organizations through the US. Which state are you from ?

[malenliam 18]

My husband doesnt like fish...and i respect that. We live in Kuwait for 1 year and 5 months before we applied for my immigrant visa. Everything i cooked he loved it, specially my pork adobo, my pork steak. And actually about my language, he is learning by his own thru google. I guess its how you love the person, how to accept everything about him/her.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

My wife is mad at me cos I cooked Nigerian food and she says it smells disgusting and she is also mad at me when my family call from Nigeria and we speak igbo(my native language) . Does anyone have such experience?

My fiancé is very easy to please about foods. He always keeps telling another people that I am a good cook, lol. Aside that matter, I also want to stressing out that in the relationship you have to understand what is your significant other likes or dislikes.

For instance, my fiancé hates raw onions and I never cooked foods with raw onions in it - he prefers onion powder instead -. I always ask him whenever we went to store what kind spices he doesn't want in the food and tried to substitute to other spices. I also never cooked seafood if it is too fishy for him. In the return, he always choose menus without pork since I don't eat it whether we went to the party or restaurant. Or, even if he chose pork, he never pushed me to taste it.

He always find fascinating about my own language. He never complained if I speak to my family or friends in Bahasa Indonesia. He knows that we were talking about regular daily basis and never asked what kind conversation I had with them. But, I always told him anyway. In fact, he keeps telling me to maintain contacts with my family and friends. Trust is the core of a solid relationship.

Probably it is better to start communication with her about what bothers and both of you can resolved it immediately. Fight over small thing, people are tend to ignore but it can be very destructive when the thin line between love and hate started seem blurry.

Edited March 25, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[rhein 451]

My wife is mad at me cos I cooked Nigerian food and she says it smells disgusting and she is also mad at me when my family call from Nigeria and we speak igbo(my native language) . Does anyone have such experience?

Personally, I'd never get angry at my wife for either cooking Filipino food or for speaking Waray. Of course, I enjoy just about everything she cooks, and pretty much any Filipino food, having lived in the Philippines with her for quite some time in the past.

In my opinion, it is unacceptable for a spouse to be angry/controlling regarding either of those non-issues.