Dealing with in-laws...is honesty the best policy?

[hobbit 10]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post under, but it's definitely related to my living in the US! Here's the lowdown:

I have known my husband's sister and her husband since July 2011. They live about twenty minutes by car from us, and we spend important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and hang out from time to time. We visit their place from time to time, and it's quaint in its own way. My husband has gone back to Singapore on business, and I had readily agreed to move in with them during this period. I am trying to get into graduate school, and still have an appointment with a professor come Monday. I have a learner's permit, but cannot yet drive myself to anywhere. His sister has been kind enough to drive me to school on her day off, and has been nothing but kind to me. My sister-in-law dropped me back at my place today since I was to attend a dinner at an acquaintance’s home nearby. She is supposed to fetch me tomorrow and get back in time for the SuperBowl, but I am having second thoughts. I do have the professor to meet on Monday but am trying to wriggle out of staying with my sister-in-law for the next 2 1/2 weeks. My only incentive to move back is that I can at least access public transport to go down to campus from their place, which I cannot do from my subdivision. That, and driving lessons..which doesn't seem like such a bargain now when you hear the rest of the story.

Knowing her, I know she would think I'm a snob if I tell I just cannot tolerate her living conditions. I guess on some level, my anxiety is exacerbated by the fact that my husband is not here with me, and she is not able to understand how un-conducive her place is for me to do my online coursework. Sure, I could make the trip down to campus everyday, or stay home while they (she and her husband) are at work, but I cannot work in their house which is roaming with cats, and is infested with cat cooties. And now when I think about it, why should I do my work in that kind of environment or have to go elsewhere when my home is more conducive? Of course I knew they had cats before I came over, but I was not aware of the true lack of any boundaries. The cats literally share our living space, including the countertop which I find particularly unhygienic, considering that they sit with their bums down on where we prepare food! I thought I could cook in their house, but I do not feel good preparing food anywhere there. I feel really constrained even though I am welcomed. I feel bad that I put myself in this situation since I readily had agreed to stay with her, but a lot of that had to do with me feeling very anxious while alone at home (when my husband was at work)and dealing with the graduate school applications (which are over now), and so I thought I would not mind having them for company. Now I appreciate the solitude in my own place because in her house, she even leaves the TV on for the cats to watch while we're away! It's quaint when we visit, but staying there for more than a few days is really an adjustment.

There is an obvious socio-economic difference between her brother and she, and I pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues, such as when I mentioned that my husband and I love the frozen pizzas at Trader Joe's while eating the frozen pizza she bought at Albertson's, and she just said, “Oh?” and that was it. Knowing the way she thinks, I do not want to come across as thinking I'm too good for them. Not that I think that, but I do not think they can empathize with what I am facing, such as school and what that entails (she did not attend college and married straight out of high school).

I really want to maintain good relations with my sister-in-law, but am not sure how this will affect her attitude towards me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do I wriggle out? Someone please help!

Edited February 2, 2014 by hobbit

[Removed030114 48]

The best way to maintain good relations is to become independent and live in your own home. If your husband travels frequently and leaves you alone, then it's his job to make sure that you have a driver's license, a car, money, a home, a place to study, and confident independence. Since you've been in the US more than two years, is there a particular reason why you only have a learner's permit and don't have your own car? Seems like you need to focus on that so you don't have to depend on others.

[Wyld Blu 35]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post under, but it's definitely related to my living in the US! Here's the lowdown:

I have known my husband's sister and her husband since July 2011. They live about twenty minutes by car from us, and we spend important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and hang out from time to time. We visit their place from time to time, and it's quaint in its own way. My husband has gone back to Singapore on business, and I had readily agreed to move in with them during this period. I am trying to get into graduate school, and still have an appointment with a professor come Monday. I have a learner's permit, but cannot yet drive myself to anywhere. His sister has been kind enough to drive me to school on her day off, and has been nothing but kind to me. My sister-in-law dropped me back at my place today since I was to attend a dinner at an acquaintance’s home nearby. She is supposed to fetch me tomorrow and get back in time for the SuperBowl, but I am having second thoughts. I do have the professor to meet on Monday but am trying to wriggle out of staying with my sister-in-law for the next 2 1/2 weeks. My only incentive to move back is that I can at least access public transport to go down to campus from their place, which I cannot do from my subdivision. That, and driving lessons..which doesn't seem like such a bargain now when you hear the rest of the story.

Knowing her, I know she would think I'm a snob if I tell I just cannot tolerate her living conditions. I guess on some level, my anxiety is exacerbated by the fact that my husband is not here with me, and she is not able to understand how un-conducive her place is for me to do my online coursework. Sure, I could make the trip down to campus everyday, or stay home while they (she and her husband) are at work, but I cannot work in their house which is roaming with cats, and is infested with cat cooties. And now when I think about it, why should I do my work in that kind of environment or have to go elsewhere when my home is more conducive? Of course I knew they had cats before I came over, but I was not aware of the true lack of any boundaries. The cats literally share our living space, including the countertop which I find particularly unhygienic, considering that they sit with their bums down on where we prepare food! I thought I could cook in their house, but I do not feel good preparing food anywhere there. I feel really constrained even though I am welcomed. I feel bad that I put myself in this situation since I readily had agreed to stay with her, but a lot of that had to do with me feeling very anxious while alone at home (when my husband was at work)and dealing with the graduate school applications (which are over now), and so I thought I would not mind having them for company. Now I appreciate the solitude in my own place because in her house, she even leaves the TV on for the cats to watch while we're away! It's quaint when we visit, but staying there for more than a few days is really an adjustment.

There is an obvious socio-economic difference between her brother and she, and I pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues, such as when I mentioned that my husband and I love the frozen pizzas at Trader Joe's while eating the frozen pizza she bought at Albertson's, and she just said, “Oh?” and that was it. Knowing the way she thinks, I do not want to come across as thinking I'm too good for them. Not that I think that, but I do not think they can empathize with what I am facing, such as school and what that entails (she did not attend college and married straight out of high school).

I really want to maintain good relations with my sister-in-law, but am not sure how this will affect her attitude towards me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do I wriggle out? Someone please help!

I think you should be safe expressing your gratitude for their hospitality, and then letting them know that while you planned on staying longer, you are also longing for your own bed. Let them know how much you enjoy their company and would love them to come visit, but you also feel the need to have some solitude. I would not mention the cats at all. We also have cats and while we do not allow them to climb on counters in the kitchen or elsewhere, when we are not home, we have little control of where they go in the house (no doors to our kitchen). Clearly they love their pets, so I would not make the reason you want to go home about them. They may be a little hurt, but once you are home, you can contact them via phone daily, if you feel the need. But as a grown woman, you should be in your own home.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Wyld Blu

[hobbit 10]

The best way to maintain good relations is to become independent and live in your own home. If your husband travels frequently and leaves you alone, then it's his job to make sure that you have a driver's license, a car, money, a home, a place to study, and confident independence. Since you've been in the US more than two years, is there a particular reason why you only have a learner's permit and don't have your own car? Seems like you need to focus on that so you don't have to depend on others.

I think you've misunderstood. I have not been in the US for two years, but have been visiting on and off. I was only able to get my learner's permit in AZ because they wanted to see an I-797. I couldn't get one as a VWP visitor. I officially moved here in November, and I do have my own car to practise in. Moving in with my sister-in-law was meant to be a convenient arrangement.

I agree with you that had someone been here for two years, they definitely should not just hold a learner's permit! In my case, I am making the best of my circumstances.

[mitchanme 18]

I would think she should totally understand if you said you want to be at home. You aren't just visiting America and it would be only natural to want to be physically at your new home even though your hubby isn't there. Perhaps they could have you to visit one day a week or something while he's away. Just tell her you feel homesick for your (new) home! I think it's completely understandable.

[Darnell 8,478]

sorry, we covered this car stuff before, in an earlier thread.

an in-law being dogsbody for a car trip is usually seen as an inconvenience. So stuff and innuendo all hang round that inconvenience.

spend more money, get yer drivers license, drive the car yer husband left, and soldier on with the rest of the stuff yer doing.

Or hire someone else to drive you, on your schedule.

[that's the condensed version, I'm not wanting to write 5000 words on the 'why not' today]

[Removed030114 48]

I think you've misunderstood. I have not been in the US for two years, but have been visiting on and off. I was only able to get my learner's permit in AZ because they wanted to see an I-797. I couldn't get one as a VWP visitor. I officially moved here in November, and I do have my own car to practise in. Moving in with my sister-in-law was meant to be a convenient arrangement.

I agree with you that had someone been here for two years, they definitely should not just hold a learner's permit! In my case, I am making the best of my circumstances.

My apologies as after I posted my comment I looked at your timeline and noticed you have only been in the US since last November. Honestly, there is just no easy way to get through living temporarily with a family member or friend. It's just not an ideal situation. Your comment about making the best of it is about all you can do. Even if they have the kindest demeanor, are very tolerant, and prone not to be impatient, it will still make things uncomfortable after a few days. I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Fish and guests smell after three days."

You're in luck though as it's temporary. It won't be too long before you are legal to drive and will not have to be under the thumb of another family member.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

There are plenty of polite ways to say you prefer to stay at your own place instead of saying "you are poor and your house is a pile." It's called manners.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Harpa Timsah

[*Snowdrop* 603]

Find a nice excuse - "home decorating project you want to get done before your husband gets home", "missing your own bed", "find it easier to get work done at home" - just something simple

You know what it's like having a guest for more than a week, they will probably be relieved too to have their own space and privacy back.

But no, honesty is not the best policy when tact is required to protect both their feelings and your future relationship.

Edited February 2, 2014 by *Lynne*

[skysofialila 45]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post under, but it's definitely related to my living in the US! Here's the lowdown:

I have known my husband's sister and her husband since July 2011. They live about twenty minutes by car from us, and we spend important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and hang out from time to time. We visit their place from time to time, and it's quaint in its own way. My husband has gone back to Singapore on business, and I had readily agreed to move in with them during this period. I am trying to get into graduate school, and still have an appointment with a professor come Monday. I have a learner's permit, but cannot yet drive myself to anywhere. His sister has been kind enough to drive me to school on her day off, and has been nothing but kind to me. My sister-in-law dropped me back at my place today since I was to attend a dinner at an acquaintance’s home nearby. She is supposed to fetch me tomorrow and get back in time for the SuperBowl, but I am having second thoughts. I do have the professor to meet on Monday but am trying to wriggle out of staying with my sister-in-law for the next 2 1/2 weeks. My only incentive to move back is that I can at least access public transport to go down to campus from their place, which I cannot do from my subdivision. That, and driving lessons..which doesn't seem like such a bargain now when you hear the rest of the story.

Knowing her, I know she would think I'm a snob if I tell I just cannot tolerate her living conditions. I guess on some level, my anxiety is exacerbated by the fact that my husband is not here with me, and she is not able to understand how un-conducive her place is for me to do my online coursework. Sure, I could make the trip down to campus everyday, or stay home while they (she and her husband) are at work, but I cannot work in their house which is roaming with cats, and is infested with cat cooties. And now when I think about it, why should I do my work in that kind of environment or have to go elsewhere when my home is more conducive? Of course I knew they had cats before I came over, but I was not aware of the true lack of any boundaries. The cats literally share our living space, including the countertop which I find particularly unhygienic, considering that they sit with their bums down on where we prepare food! I thought I could cook in their house, but I do not feel good preparing food anywhere there. I feel really constrained even though I am welcomed. I feel bad that I put myself in this situation since I readily had agreed to stay with her, but a lot of that had to do with me feeling very anxious while alone at home (when my husband was at work)and dealing with the graduate school applications (which are over now), and so I thought I would not mind having them for company. Now I appreciate the solitude in my own place because in her house, she even leaves the TV on for the cats to watch while we're away! It's quaint when we visit, but staying there for more than a few days is really an adjustment.

There is an obvious socio-economic difference between her brother and she, and I pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues, such as when I mentioned that my husband and I love the frozen pizzas at Trader Joe's while eating the frozen pizza she bought at Albertson's, and she just said, “Oh?” and that was it. Knowing the way she thinks, I do not want to come across as thinking I'm too good for them. Not that I think that, but I do not think they can empathize with what I am facing, such as school and what that entails (she did not attend college and married straight out of high school).

I really want to maintain good relations with my sister-in-law, but am not sure how this will affect her attitude towards me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do I wriggle out? Someone please help!

Since you live in Phoenix and you talk about online courses for graduate school, I assume you attend (or will be attending) ASU.. and it's the Main campus?

If so, is your residence (the one with your husband) close to ASU West, ASU Downtown or ASU Poly? They have a free shuttle service that will take you from any campus to any other campus. If you live close to any of the campuses, you can just take public transportation (which ASU subsidizes) to any of those campuses and then shuttle on over to where you need to be.

That way, you can stay in your own home.

PM me if you're not sure what I mean.

Edited February 3, 2014 by skysofialila

[Cathi 5,616]

You're an adult, tell her you would rather stay home. No need to make up any outrageous lies, just say you're more comfortable at home in your own bed. And there's nothing wrong with telling her you're not particularly fond of cats.

[Jawaree 717]

You saw their home with cats B4 U went there, that was your 1st mistake no matter

how nice they are, also the convienence of being taken to where U want to go

as a new-comer must have also appealed to u now tell them U'll be doing stuff

over at your house to make it homey for hubbys return, start spending time in

your own place more often, take public transport, touch base with them by phone

every other day, but still visit...U don't want to cause no bad feelings

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Your penultimate paragraph does come across as being quite snobby, it sounds like they are doing their best for you. Just be tactful, no need to hurt their feelings tell them that its time that you had your own space. You can still see them regularly and maybe you could have them visit for dinner to say thank you.

[hobbit 10]

Well, I guess snobby is relative. My sister-in-law and I drove into a predominantly Hispanic trailer neighborhood today, and she went, "How can people live like this?!" And I reminded her that at least they have homes unlike the transients in the downtown area (we're in a subdivision). I discovered public transport yesterday, and feel good that I managed to work out how to get back! The sense of mobility makes me feel less upset, but upset nonetheless. Yes, I'd like to take them out for dinner at a place where they enjoy, since I don't think my cooking suits their tastebuds (they conveniently forgot about my baked cod). I don't know how "needing my own space" would be more tactful, although it is a possible suggestion. I have a list of reasons for going back for a few days (eg. getting husband's mail, using up the food in the fridge, needing more clothes and doing laundry etc) but I don't have a good-enough reason to tell them why I would like to remain at home for the rest of the two weeks until my husband returns.

Your penultimate paragraph does come across as being quite snobby, it sounds like they are doing their best for you. Just be tactful, no need to hurt their feelings tell them that its time that you had your own space. You can still see them regularly and maybe you could have them visit for dinner to say thank you.

[hobbit 10]

Since you live in Phoenix and you talk about online courses for graduate school, I assume you attend (or will be attending) ASU.. and it's the Main campus?

If so, is your residence (the one with your husband) close to ASU West, ASU Downtown or ASU Poly? They have a free shuttle service that will take you from any campus to any other campus. If you live close to any of the campuses, you can just take public transportation (which ASU subsidizes) to any of those campuses and then shuttle on over to where you need to be.

That way, you can stay in your own home.

PM me if you're not sure what I mean.

Where my husband and I live, there is no public transport unless you walk for 20 minutes, and even then it can you a few hours to get around with the transfers and waiting times. I do know about the free shuttle services, and all that, but getting to them is only accessible from my sister-in-law's place (there is a bus stop within walking distance, and the bus connects to other transport options), which was why it made sense for me to move in with them. Now that I've lost interest in accessing the physical locations on campus, I see little benefit in staying with my in-laws. Not that I would tell them that of course!

Edited February 5, 2014 by hobbit